Everything I say is wrong

I AM A WIFE OF 4 YRS TO A MAN WHOM HAS EVERY SYMPTOM OF ADHD.  WHEN WE MET I COULDN'T ASK FOR A BETTER PERSON OR FRIEND TO MY 3 KIDS FROM A PREVIOUS MARRIAGE.  I COULDN'T ASK FOR MORE.  I AM ALSO A MOTHER OF A CHILD WHO HAS ADHD. WHEN WE GOT MARRIED THE FIRST COUPLE OF YRS WERE GREAT. THEN AFTER THAT EVERYTHING I THOUGHT WE WORKED FOR HAS JUST FALLING DOWN HILL. OUR ARGUEMENTS ARE ALOT MORE FREQUENT. WHEN I TRY TO DISCUSS THINGS WITH HIM HE GETS MAD AND TELLS ME ALL I WANT TO DO IS MAKE HIM MAD OR FUSSING FOR NO REASON. I WORK A FULL TIME JOB 5 DAYS A WEEK AND HAVE ALL MY KIDS ACTIVE IN SPORTS.  I AM CONSTANTLY ON THE GO AND YET I STILL HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AT HOME. WHEN I TELL HIM I NEED HIS HELP HE TELLS ME I WOULD HAVE TO DO IT EVEN IF HE WASN'T HERE. IF I PUSH THE ISSUE HE HOLLARS AT ME AND THREATENS TO LEAVE ME AND TELLS ME HE WISHES HE NEVER MARRIED ME. IT SEEMS AS LONG AS I DONT SAY ANYTHING EVERYTHING IS FINE BUT IF I DO THEM I AM IN THE WRONG. WE NEVER SPEND NO TIME TOGETHER B/C WHEN MY KIDS ARE GONE TO THEIR DADS EVERY OTHER WEEKEND HE THINKS WE HAVE TO HAVE A HOUSE FULL OF PEOPLE. I TRY TO GET HIM TO GO OUT TO EAT WITH ME ALONE OR JUST GO AWAY FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS HE NEVERS FALLS THREW WITH IT.  I COULD GO ALL DAY WITH THE THINGS THAT HE AND I GO THREW BUT MY MAIN CONCERN HERE IS I LOVE HIM AND I DON'T WON'T TO LOOSE THAT LOVE FOR HIM. HE LOST HIS MOM AS A CHILD AND HE HAS HAD A HARD LIFE GROWING UP. EVERYBODY HE COMES IN CONTACT WITH LEAVES HIM OR HE PUSHES THEM AWAY. I KEEP TELLING HIM I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE SO HE NEEDS TO STOP TRYING.  IN ALL HONESTY THIS MARRIAGE HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT COMPLETE TURMOIL. I TOLD HIM HE LOVES TO KEEP SOMETHING ALWAYS GOING B/W US. IT SEEM WHEN EVERYTHING IS GOING GOOD HE HAS TO THROW SOMETHING IN THERE TO MIX IT ALL UP. HE SAYS HE LIKES TO KEEP ME WONDERING. PLEASE IF YOU CAN HELP ME WITH ANY ADVICE I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR IT. I WANT MY MARRIAGE AND THE FAMILY WE HAVE TOGETHER BUT MY PATIENCE IS RUNNING THIN.

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been there too

Your life sounds a lot like mine.  My husband used to constantly start fights with me.  Sometimes I think people like to recreate what they grew up in b/c they feel comfortable in that environment (as crazy as that sounds.) My husband even said that our arguments aren't nearly as bad as his mom and dad's were.  I would hate to have seen them.  I try to tell my husband that we are setting the examples for his son(my step son).  That burdens me more than me getting upset.  Are we teaching this child that this is how to interact with your spouse?  After a long year or two, I finally stood up to my husband.  I told him that I loved him but that I would not fight anymore in front of his son.  If we couldn't do better by him,then we didn't need to be together.  Slowly, things have gotten better.  My husband also used to threaten to leave all of the time.  I think it was just to antagonize me b/c now if he said it I would say BE MY GUEST.  Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, but as soon as I showed him that he had lost the emotional control over me, he changed.  He knows now that if he doesn't treat me right, I won't put up with it.  I just encourage you to love yourself.  I finally told my husband that I knew that I was a good wife, and that I was doing the best I could.  I told him that he must not be happy with himself and that he didn't need to pick fights with me to let out his frustrations.  The only thing you really have control over is how you react to him.  Try to start doing things that will give yourself some peace.

I TRY SO HARD TO LET WHAT HE

I TRY SO HARD TO LET WHAT HE SAYS NOT BOTHER ME BUT HE IS CONSTANTLY BEHIND ME NAGGING. I TRY TO FIGHT THE TEARS SO HE DONT KNOW HOW BAD HE HURTS ME WITH HIS WORDS. I WAS MARRIED FOR 10 YRS MY FIRST TIME AND I THOUGHT I KNEW WHAT LOVE WAS. BUT WHEN I MARRIED MY HUSBAND NOW I GAVE MY WHOLE HEART TO HIM AND WHEN HE SAYS THE THINGS HE SAYS I JUST LOOSE IT. I DON'T UNDERSTAND ONE MOMENT ITS LIKE I LOVE YOU BABY AND THE OTHER ITS FUSSING AND ARGUEING. HOW DO YOU SAY YOU LOVE SOMEONE AND SAY THE THINGS THEY DO. WE DONT HAVE KIDS TOGETHER AND WHEN HE DISCIPLINES MY KIDS I SAY NOTHING. BUT IF ITS SOMETHING I THINK WE SHOULD DISCUSS I TALK TO HIM WHEN THEIR NOT AROUND AND HE BLOWS UP AND THREATENS TO LEAVE. IF I DONT DO SOMETHING IN A TIMELY MANNER HE BLOWS UP AND WHEN HE WALKS IN THE DOOR FROM WORK ITS LIKE HE IS TRYING TO FIND SOMETHING TO ARGUE ABOUT.

Peace at home

I think my husband trys to control a situation by blowing up. That way, I'll back off.  He creates drama but claims he hates drama. Sometimes its like living with a child throwing temper tantrums. I just stopped giving the attention and the blow ups decreased.  He always creates negative attention for  himself.  Maybe it is like an excersise for their brains.  It seems that the blow ups are fewer when his mind is occupied. For me, I've had to find ways to help myself relax.  I get tired of the aura of my house being determined by his mood at that moment.  I've had to find peace within myself and he'll have to find ways of handling his anger other than lashing out at me. Self-preservation is a term I've had to repeat to myself over and over.  

the fights

From reading a lot of articles, it seems that ADD people create the fights to keep their interest in a situation.  It's as though they thrive off the drama.  My partner does this a lot; he create problems when they are none.  Almost as if he needs something to keep him interested because when there is not high energy in the situation he gets easily bored.  I've tried to channel his energy into productive tasks that hold is interest.  It's kind of working, but I'm not sure if it's the end all answer.

I'm the one with ADD

I just wanted to tell you that what you are going through isn't your fault.  I have ADD and my husband does not.  We fight more often than I'd like and I'm pretty sure I know the reason why.  I start fights when I get bored.  It sounds insane to a person without ADD that anyone would intentionaly start a fight.  Sometimes I don't even realize what I'm doing, but I know that the drama of an argument stimulates my brain.  I feel awake and alive while we fight.  The trick with me has been my husband bringing this to my attention when I'm doing it.  He tries very hard not to play into my trap and just difuse the situation instead.  The more you argue with your husband the more he will be stimulated to keep it going.  He sounds really bored to me and that is probably why he argues.  The best thing to do if you want to spend one on one time together is to plan an activity that will excite him.  If he's anything like me going out to eat or going away won't indulge our need for constant stimulation.  Plan something that is thrilling and totaly unexpected for the two of you to do together.  I hope this helps in some way.  Good Luck, and I hope everything works out.