I mentioned early this year that my ex ADHD husband cheated on me with a mutual friend after claiming to be to be traveling on business but went to meet her and she helped him file for an international divorce.
He has been using his new ADHD diagnosis to gain sympathy from our family and friends and exonerate himself from his hurtful behavior while painting me as a villain and I that I emotionally abused him
meanwhile his co- dependency on me was extreme . He uses my strength and capacity for his own survival. He suffers from acute RSD too and every criticism is an attack. He was very envious of me and felt my business success then intimidated him. Ironically I was extremely supportive of all his businesses, he set up 5 businesses in 15yrs, took on huge loans and was deep in debt . I took on a lot of financial responsibilities and also raised and cared for kids and household alone. I stopped expecting his help because it was too exhausting always also him to do things which clearly needed to be done . He only did things that interested him, either he's in front of the TV, in the bedroom or in the study's. The roof could come down and he would not flinch
My biggest hurt now is that though he has acknowledged his ADD and the huge impact on it on the failed marriage , he refuses to acknowledge the pain and agony I went through and even says I deserve it. He's so resentful and bitter especially because he has to pay child support . He wanted to start a new life with his mistress and make no commitments to the children.
He has such a huge victim mentality and because he seems easy going and reserved , many people only se this. I don't bother because those those that matter know the truth
I am about to get order against him now because he's becoming an emotional liability to our teenage daughter, trying to win her over to his side and telling her it's better to come from a broken home than a toxic home. He's so emotionally irresponsible and immature
I’m so sorry this happened, and ADHD is not an excuse
Submitted by ADHDWife-with-A... on
As an ADHDer, I get so tired of people (like your ex) using the ADHD crutch to justify behaviors or actions they think are excusable but require skills/meds/coaching/therapy, or all of the above. I do all these supports, have for years, and I can say yes, ADHD can get in my way but it's so hard to deal with people using this diagnosis as their soapbox for sympathy for crappy actions to others (without plans to change or work on skill building). His actions are wrong. While I try to avoid black-and-white/rigid thinking (which is where this victim mentality can play from (or PTSD): i.e. things are right or wrong/good or bad) his actions and behaviors stink. ADHD or not, which to be fair this diagnosis rarely shows up solo; he's acting really gross.
RSD can make things much harder and without a support system (for him) you will likely be blamed for things perceived as attacks that are not attacks, but get comfortable for the last of the bumpy ride bc you are almost out of this. Best advice is to get comfortable with being misunderstood bc someone with RSD (like BPD) will assume your meaning from things unsaid. He may someday see how he played a role in the dissolution of the marriage, or maybe he won't, but you know exactly where the shoe fell, and how many hats you wore to keep things afloat. And his actions of making you a villain are just as abusive as he is claiming you to be. I'm so sorry that you are being put through this.
Hopefully, he gets some help and therapy for his ADHD to see how his behaviors are only adding to the stress of the situation and making things more complex than they need to be for you and your child.
He needs to stop giving ADHD ALL the blame and take accountability for the role he played. His ND brain may work differently but he is not a victim of his diagnosis YOU are.
Thank you
Submitted by nefun76 on
Thank you so much. It's good to have a forum like this with people of similar experiences . The few people I try to speak with look at me like.a fish out of water , they cannot relate
it's getting harder to co-parent with him . He's out of a job and now dependent on his mistress he cheated with me with. He has missed child support payments and school tuition payments. I feel like this would be my reality till kids are grown.
He is too bitter, envious and resentful so he simply refuses ro appreciate or acknowledge the effect his diagnosis has/had on me so like you said I have to learn to live with that .
He is happy now with a life without day to day responsibilities or commitments . It's such a pity
Use the system as much as you can
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
If he won't pay willingly all you can do is maximize your use of lawyers and the courts to hold him accountable. He still may find ways to reduce or delay or get out of some things, but there also may be ways that courts can garnish his future wages, etc. until you are paid what you're due. It may be a long road though and I'm so sorry for you and your children.