I just joined this forum after my adult daughter was diagnosed ADHD and shared info that made me think that my husband is ADHD. Classic ADHD/non-ADHD marraige... 35 years (plus 7 years of dating before that. My husband is a creative and lovely person who, to the outside world, is the utmost gentleman; life together has been a series of roller coaster rides where, when I ask for more participation in family responsibilities like managing finances, planning for retirement, shopping and household projects that require planning, the conversation devolves into glaring at me, defensiveness, physical expressions of anger(towards things, not towards me) and threats to leave me. Last fall, his anger came out in the workplace and he was fired by a long time client. He doesn't really think he did anything wrong in that situation, because he "didn't swear, didn't direct anger directly at the supervisor", but he did storm out. I realize that this is probably what I experience from him, and he has no idea how abusive it feels. I think this behavior was modeled for him growing up. I am fearful of talking about important things because I fear it will devolve into extreme behavior. As a side note-- his parents have both asked me to handle the responsibilities of being a trustee/executor, one for a Special Needs trust for a disabled brother; the other was to be executor of my mother in law's estate. Mother in law had a stroke 3 years ago so I became her POA and financial manager; Father in law just passed, and in addition to the grief, I now have full responsibility for managing the Special Needs Trust. All because I am the "capable" one. I'm "good at these things". I just want to scream... We are finally getting couples counseling and I have mentioned the idea of getting screened for ADHD but no action so far.
Explosions of extreme Anger in my partner, and my despair
Submitted by FrustratedSpouse on 03/04/2024.
Hugs
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I know how hard it is to already be adulting for two and then the people around you have no idea of the strain you're under so they pile more obligations on. I really understand why you've assumed those responsibilities from your in-laws because they are important, however, don't forget that you can say no even if people don't understand why. Who would they ask if you weren't around? They would figure it out, even if it was a paid lawyer. And if saying no there doesn't feel possible, are there any other responsibilities you can afford to outsource (hiring for repairs, cleaning service, etc.). I left my own 20-year marriage, but in the latter third, I started hiring out and it made a difference. He didn't like it, but I did it anyway. It's great that you're in therapy and addressing the ADHD is going to be important if anything is going to improve for you. Unfortunately, only he can do that. I hope he will be open to it.
It is not okay that he physically expresses his anger (maybe he throws things or punches things or slams doors, etc.) and threatens to leave. If you have anywhere to go, you may want to consider drawing a line in the sand... "I don't feel safe when you do that/yell at me that way and if you don't stop, I will be staying at X tonight." And then if he doesn't stop, you do exactly that. Go stay at Mom's... a sister's... a friend's... a hotel... and don't return until he really sees what he did, apologies (and knows what he's apologizing for) and commits to acting differently in the future. Then if he does it again, you don't warn... you just leave... and don't come back until/unless he begins his diagnosis/meds/therapy.
Individual therapy for yourself may really help you see how you feel about things and what you have the power to change.
Hugs. I'm really sorry for the situation you're in.
I feel your pain. Long term
Submitted by Wheretonext on
I feel your pain. Long term marriage too and have tried every approach to discuss issues but he always runs off when a subject is too difficult. It puts me off bringing anything up which leads to a cold atmosphere between us. He has been diagnosed but he still doesn't accept his approach to everyday activities are different so no advantage to his diagnosis even though he takes medication. I'm just exhausted after 47 years together