Submitted by dalanak on 01/15/2024.
My husband has ADHD. Yesterday it turned out again that he forgot to turn off the auto-renewal of the unnecessary service, and a sum of money was deducted from us just like that. Because it ignores warning messages. I was on nerves all day yesterday. Today I was involved in a traffic accident. And it turned out that my husband mixed up the dates and we don’t have car insurance for this week. We'll have to pay for the repairs yourself. This has been going on for many years. He doesn't exercise, he doesn't meditate, he doesn't take any obvious steps to work with his ADHD. At the same time, he says at every trouble - I have ADHD. Leave me alone. You don't understand how hard it is for me.
Sometimes it's the little things...
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
I understand this. I really do. This morning it is FREEZING where we are. I asked my husband if he had emptied the pool pump last fall (I had gently reminded him many times because the year before we had to buy a new pump when ours froze and then exploded). Of course he hadn't. I wasn't mean or rude, but he got mad and said he's working all the time to take care of this family and he didn't do it on purpose. He wasn't stressed or working all the time when I'd asked him to do it in the fall. It could be worse. He could be a serial cheater or have a drug problem, but these kinds of things pile up, too. As in your case with things like insurance lapses or auto-renewals for something you don't need (we had one of those for 3 years once that I constantly begged him to cancel), I am frustrated and overwhelmed with knowing I simply can't do everything, but I feel like I have to if I want it to be done. I am sorry. I woke up sorely disappointed this morning bc I am so afraid that pump is gonna explode. My husband tries extra hard (minus any real managing strategies with his ADHD, so it's fortunate he works a very physically and mentally challenging job), but his go to is always, "I didn't do it on purpose!" or "It was an accident!" Sometimes it's so difficult to hear that yet again when there's been too many damaging ADHD related incidents close together. I feel ya. Hang in there.
Thanks for your reply. I
Submitted by dalanak on
Thanks for your reply. I understand you. Oh... My husband constantly says “this is all a POOR”, “I won’t succeed”, “you’re trying to make a man without legs walk”, “you’re a sadist, you’re making fun of me”, “I’m tired”... He never said the phrase, yes, I will try, I can do anything. “I see how much of a nuisance I am, I will work on myself”... No. He searches the Internet for a new book instead of finding ways to live with ADHD
"Not on purpose"
Submitted by Dagmar on
Those words are enraging to me. I feel, hell, I know that 90% of the time I hear that something wasn't done on purpose that it's going to happen again and again. I've started telling my spouse that I need him to acknowledge that the thing happened and he needs to take steps to not do it again. Because that's the problem. He decides it's an accident and, poof, it's gone from his mind.
He gets angry with me when I call him out on this, but it helps. For instance, we got new floors and they were slippery and he just kept falling all the time. All the time. Yes, he wasn't slipping on purpose, I slipped a couple of times, myself. But after I slipped twice, I was aware that the floor was slippery and would be extra careful. I finally lost it and told him that I didn't want to see him falling anymore and that he was going to get hurt. He got mad because he wasn't doing it "on purpose," but you know what? After I got mad about it, he paid attention to where he was walking and hasn't slipped since.
What is with that?
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
Your floor story actually made me laugh, but I have noticed over the years that unless I make a really big, loud, ugly scene about something, you are correct that it kinda tends to happen "On accident" or "Not on purpose" over and over again. Thing is, that is PARENTING, and I don't want to do it! But I also don't want to incur the loss or suffer the consequences of letting the chips fall where they may when I don't intervene.
Wow!
Submitted by CANTGOBACK on
https://www.donefirst.com/blog/what-causes-the-adhd-walk
So you got floors that are so slippery, you and your husband both were falling. That's crazy, and sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen. Do you have good liability insurance for guests who dont have practice walking on your floor? I'm glad you two learned how to walk on your floor to avoid injury. He may have had additional struggles because of adhd, not because he enjoys falling or wants to piss you off. The fact that your anger motivated him to walk on eggshells to avoid falling says quite a bit about the power of your anger I guess, he doesn't want to encounter that even more than he doesn't want to fall it sounds like.
Do you recognize that people with this brain disorder have difficulty making connections that are simple for neurotypicals? What do you get out of living with someone who seems to disgust you so much?
That's a question that could be asked of many here. I got super curious about your situation because you used the word "enraging". And your lack of empathy for someone falling frequently...(edited out). Living with someone one can't love or respect can create real toxicity in a person, and it can be pretty ugly. (edited out). Check yourself before you wreck yourself, this isn't healthy for either of you.
Wow Yourself!
Submitted by Dagmar on
First off, you are the one calling people names. That is bullying. Not me being frustrated with a 50-year-old man whose brain disorder has caused him to ruin me financially, cheat on me, and destroy my career.
Yes, I yelled at my husband for slipping. I also yelled at him because every time he sat down on the sofa for a month he would bang his head on the wall. As soon as I got frustrated and explained he had to adjust for it, it stopped. I have also yelled at him for running stop signs, pulling into traffic without looking, and for refusing to put his foot on the break as we were rolling down a hill because "it's an automatic, it's not supposed to roll backwards." Would you rather I let him break his leg? Give himself a concussion? Kill me and himself in an auto accident?
What's funny is that most of that stuff has stopped recently. Why? Because I have a daughter with ADHD, and now he has learned what I mean when I say "I know you weren't trying to do that. I need you to try not to do that." He can now see how frustrating it is to live with someone like that and is actually making changes.
I am literally on this site because this behavior isn't healthy for either of us. I tried to leave him earlier this year and we're in marriage counseling again.
So please take your own advice and "check yourself before you wreck yourself"
And another thing
Submitted by Dagmar on
He doesn't have a "postural gait." Everyone slipped on the floor for a while. It's just that he lived here and so did it every time he went into the kitchen.
We are bound to disagree
Submitted by CANTGOBACK on
Dagmar, we are posting on a public, moderated forum. My comments were reviewed and permitted, which doesn't imply agreement by the admin but does imply that my comments did not violate any standard for posting.
When posting on a public forum, you are likely to encounter dissenting views which you are free to respond to with further dissent of your own. I take disagreement in stride as well, but maintain my original position.
I find the martyr position to be equally as damaging and toxic as the adhd/add partner. We can agree to disagree.
This isn't a disagreement
Submitted by Dagmar on
You sarcastically told me that my husband, whom you've never met as a neurological problem with walking that only appears when he walks across a three-foot section of my dining room, which you've never been to.
Then you called me a bully and a toxic martyr and told me I was in an unhealthy relationship.
I agree with you that I'm in an unhealthy relationship. Do you know who disagrees with you on all of these accounts? My husband.
We can only agree to disagree when facts are involved. You are making personal attacks and we will see which of us the moderator agrees with.
I do disagree, and I will explain
Submitted by CANTGOBACK on
Dagmar, the purpose of the link was not to diagnose your husband, but to bring up the fact that an adhd brain can have provl3ms with proprioception. In the case of someone who repeatedly falls or bangs their head in a familiar environment, I don't think it's way off base to point out a neurodivergent trait that could contribute.
I think where I disagree with you is a matter of perception, and from my perspective I believe that yelling is bullying behavior. That is also not a ridiculous concept. Yes, you're angry and frustrated, and not without reason. But if you have resorted to yelling yelling yelling as you describe, your level of anger and yelling is toxic to YOU as well as to your husband. That's not a mystery, it's something that any mental health practioner or layperson could understand.
If your post included any reference to solutions other than yelling, I didn't see it. A floor so slippery people fall down would warrant a rug in my opinion, and it's just my opinion but rugs are better than percolating and exploding with anger. A couch positioned so that a person sitting down could bang their head over and over again might easily be repositioned away from a wall by just inches and life gets easier for all. Of course I haven't been in your house, but alternative solutions than yelling do come to mind especially when your posts are full of such discontent and despair. The suggestion is FOR you as much as it is critical of your behavior. I really do mean to ask... is this what you want to be? Angry with an ugly attitude? Ugly is something we all can become when we are trying to control things outside of our control. I've been ugly, you've been ugly, adhd partners have been ugly. Every person has. Being constantly in arousal states in the nervous system (fight or flight, functional freeze) take us far away from who we are. They are survival states, fighting is a survival state and it's something more people don't feel good about. Yelling is objectively ugly, expressing rage is objectively ugly in the context of intimate relationships, is it not? Is the probelm that I used the word "ugly"? I can replace it with "negative", and that might be less offensive. The question "is this what you want to be?" Is rhetorical but also important. Of course you don't want to be that way, but does that imply that he is the only one who has to adjust in order for you not to be enraged and yelling at him for his behaviors that have gone on for years?
All the yelling isn't good for you, and that's what I am questioning. And even if you feel justified to feel angry and yell and yell over all the things he does, it does begin to look like bullying. Yelling at a person who is falling down "not on purpose" looks like bullying to me, but it may not be a welcome observation (I will accept the the admin's take on that should they wishbto review ). The reason I say this is you are well aware of his patterns, and are using aggression verbally in order to control him.
He's got a literal diagnosable disorder that contributes to his patterns. I've read accounts of the adhd partners here who are deeply depressed and despair over the non adhd reactions to behaviors and traits that are extremely difficult to improve. It's a brain based disorder and while living with it is extremely difficult its also your choice. You may feel driven mad by it. Ok. Where I live, both partners are accountable for their actions say in a court action... two wrongs don't make a right and people are held to account for their actions even if they are reacting to what they feel is an egregious violation. Even in criminal cases, there is a standard that needs to be made for the justification of self defense... but that's a more extreme example.
My point is, in reaction to his behavior you have developed problematic behavior of your own and it may be habitual and comfortable to relate that here on the forum. But as a newcomer here, I find it shocking. This kind of venting and vitriol is not normal for me in my life, at least not since I left a diagnosed pathological abuser. I had found my own responses getting harmful and dysfunctional, and was reminded in the divorce process that my behaviors can and will be judged separately from what may have been done to provoke me. Radical responsibility for my behavior has enabled me to not become something I don't want to be in response to another person's failings. It's a hard pill to swallow but does a lot of good in the end.
I'm not a saint and don't claim to be. I've yelled way more than I am comfortable with in my life, and that fact coupled with the fact that I'm not a yeller any more underscores my position here. Change is possible, and it's uncomfortable, but it's rewarding and the right thing. I stand by that assertion, that personal responsibly entails admitting when we have gone astray and swallowing that bitter pill for our ultimate healing.
I am of the opinion that spite is normalized somewhat here, as an outsider coming in. That may make me very unpopular and hasten my exit, but while I'm here I'll point it out because its a discussion forum. If the moderators wish to ban me, they may, of course, and I will simply move on and disengage. My comments to you however were vetted by admins. I would have taken a refusal to post them as a correction, and still will if there is a review and they are found to be inappropriate. Same goes with any correction offered through a response from the admins. I am new to the culture on the forum. All kinds of negative comments about spouses are permissible, if calling out anger and what I perceive as bullying are not permissible then I'll take my lumps. It's just a forum, after all.
As for driving... I've been there done that and found that even there, yelling in order to be safe isn't the healthy choice for me, and I doubt is imfor anyone. I've made boundaries around that. I can't make someone drive in a way that is safe. I can choose whether or not to be in the passenger seat. I can drive. I can refuse to accompany a bad driver. When I did all that, my ex actually improved his awareness. If he hadn't, I wouldn't risk myself, and I wouldn't want to resort to being in fight or flight being terrified and enraged over something I can't change. I'd change what I could. People do die in accidents and I can only control me. It's sad and distressing but true as far as I can see.
If finding alternatives to yelling and being enraged (your word) is not possible, then the situation is truly toxic. Again, that's not a point I am ashamed to make. It's not unreasonable.
The forum may not be a good fit for me, its triggering I'll admit because the overall culture seems to be outright hostile to adhd partners and it just feels like a lot of hate and disgust. I of course can withdraw and not be a part of it, I am weighing that out. It's all a learning process.
I'm not going to be a victim of your meltdown
Submitted by Dagmar on
I get it . (edited out - outside of posting rules).
Nope!
Submitted by CANTGOBACK on
No adhd here. I'll leave you to it as well, good luck!
A note on moderation
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
We lightly moderate in this forum. Which means we don't carefully read and approve each post. We hope that people will pay attention to the posting rules and, when we notice that they aren't doing so, or when someone brings intolerable behavior to our attention, we will do something about it. For iteration, the posting rules are:
Thank you Melissa
Submitted by CANTGOBACK on
I appreciate the guidance and also the ability to express authentically even when there is strong disagreement.
I agree
Submitted by sickandtired on
I agree with Dagmar. You should not judge her because you are not in her shoes. You have no idea how hard it is for her.
What she writes sounds just
Submitted by CANTGOBACK on
What she writes sounds just plain mean. I'd stand up for anybody against the tone she uses about her husband.
Agreed.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Even if we've been through a similar situation none of us can know what someone else is going through.
No judging?
Submitted by CANTGOBACK on
I read loads of judgement and criticism here about partners, written by people not in the other's shoes with adhd. Loads! I don't think it's fair.
Someone without adhd does not know how hard it is for someone who does have adhd. But adhd partners get skewered here constantly.
You are
Submitted by sickandtired on
You are literally attacking Dagmar and now me I guess. This is supposed to be a forum where folks feel safe to express their pain and anger without this kind of negativity aimed at them. Please don't minimize someone's feelings, thinking you know their life circumstances better than they do.
Ok, I'll leave you to it.
Submitted by CANTGOBACK on
Ok, I'll leave you to it.