Hello everyone... came across this quote and I immediately reflected upon my ADHD and its problems upon my marriage.
"The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention." - Richard Moss
ADHD, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, is what I have. I'm a man with ADHD and going thru a divorce because of it. My thread is here http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/find-volunteer-slapper-your-husband-and-reason
Attention is the greatest gift for anyone to give. One must simply give attention to a spouse, before a spouse will surely get one's attention with a divorce. This concept of giving attention sounds so simple, it should be and is for most... but it's the very reason so many ADD/ADHD people and their marriages are doomed from the start. It's an awful, cursed disorder upon a once happy, loving couple/family. At first, it doesn't seem fair to have ADHD, but I guess life isn't fair... one can just choose to live with it.... or one can choose to live, learn and make it better for all. Once knowing that we all already possess the greatest gift, it is so wise to start giving it to those that matter most in our lives.
another aspect of "attention purity"
Submitted by arwen on
Great post, Dan. You offer perspective of an ADD spouse on the importance of "attention purity". As the non-ADD partner in my marriage, I've had some experiences from a different and possibly suprising perspective.
I'm a person who multitasks easily and very well (I know, I'm very lucky). And because I have a lot to do, in a limited amount of time, I want to use my time as efficiently as possible -- so I multitask a LOT. Fortunately, my husband has always understood that just because I may be multitasking while we interact doesn't mean he doesn't have all the attention he wants and needs.
When my husband and I were first married, his hormonally-influenced ADD was "in remission", but he "grew back in" to his ADD in middle age. Once he was diagnosed, and I learned about ADD, I understood why it had become so much harder for him to give me his attention, and I didn't blame him for it (although I certainly did miss it!!!). But what I didn't realize was that my ability to multitask now adversely affected him.
It wasn't a question of jealousy or me being a constant reminder of a skill he'd lost -- it was that my multitasking had become a terrible distraction to him, despite the help of his meds. Even if all I was doing was knitting while we discussed matters, it took his attention away from the conversation so that he couldn't order his thoughts. If we were working on anything together, my other multitasking activities made him lose focus on the part he was doing, and things would get overlooked or forgotten or left incompleted. If we were on a car trip and he was driving, I would want to read my backlogged periodicals or papers from work, but the constant movement of papers or magazines broke his concentration on the traffic -- even casual conversation was a problem. It became clear over time that if I wanted his attention on me -- or anything else-- I had to give him my complete and pure attention.
I was completely flabbergasted by this development. How in the world was I supposed to get everything done if I couldn't multitask when I was interacting with him? Also, because my husband has trouble communicating and thinking through complex interpersonal issues, there are often times in our discussions where I have to wait a long time for him to respond -- having to just sit and do nothing during these minutes was maddening. I'm impatient to begin with, and this really didn't improve my temper! But I'm also a realist -- and it was very clear that there just really was no help for it, just like you can't fight the law of gravity. So, I stopped the multitasking during our interactions and "wasted" all that time "doing nothing".
Of course, ultimately, it wasn't a complete waste. Because it made it easier for him to focus, there came to be fewer problems, fewer arguments, fewer misunderstandings, so we probably saved time in the long run. More important, as he began practicing his new thinking and communications skills, over time he was able to begin tolerating low-level multitasking distractions again. I still can't read papers and magazines on car trips, but a book is OK, and we can have casual conversations as long as the traffic isn't too congested. I still can't knit when we are having formal meetings, but I can at least think about other things while I'm waiting for his responses and discreetly jot down a few notes.
So, sometimes the purity of attention isn't just needed by the non-ADD spouse. And sometimes it's not ony a gift of love and respect -- sometimes it's a necessity for the functioning of everyday life together with ADD!
I agree. Great post, Dan.
Submitted by newfdogswife on
I agree. Great post, Dan.