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Is he doing things Purposely to piss me off ,,,or hurt me,,, or does he know he is?

example:#(1)

A few weeks ago we went out to the casino where they serve free drinks and food while anyone gamble the slots machines or play poker...it had a very attractive girl working the night shift that night,he was starring down the little girl of whom could have been his sister(SHAME ON HIM)apparently he loves younger women and even his ex wife explained this to me in one of her emails to me...well...I kicked brass when we got home telling him that I know what he was doing and we had a fight over it...

right..

then we took a 10 days vacation and had the most wonderful time together,everything seemed bad with him just disappeared instantly right away during that time on our vacation and we really was almost back in love as if it was the first time we met..

all fine and dandy..

then we went back to the casino after the vacation and the same girl was on duty that night and she is a waitress.I thought? just thought? that since he knew how I felt and how he was caught that he would not ask her to serve him drinks(WRONG) she brought him a drink just as soon as I turn my back and went on the other side of the casino to play a slot machine.I told him:"wow!! babe you just love to hurt me,you take pleasure in hurting me and watching me suffer,but I would show you how strong I am and you can't bring me down".he told me:"no babe that's not true."

example:#(2)

After our vacation at the airport he bought some really nice treats to take back, one in particular I loved,well when we got home it had two of them,one we shared earlier on in the day and I was ready for the other one later down in the night,he said to me :"Oh no,,,,why do you want to eat it now,you moving like I am going to give it away or something"...that never even crossed my mind.in fact ,next day after he finished work and we got home by him..guess what,he gave it away and his explanation was"I had to babe,that was to bribe the girl in the parole department b/c I took all those days off and I want to get pay for it.

what!!! excuse me!! if it is you have to get paid for your holidays then you would...you don't have to bribe a girl that pays you for it...she is also working for the same man he is working for.

does he think that I am dumb,maybe...I am learning to trust but verify,one of Melissa's great advice...this is madness boy.

I pray to god to help me remember to accept the things that I cannot change and change the things I can.In the lord above I pray and thank him for health and life the rest is history..

lovehurts.

Comments

Example #1...

Pbartender's picture

Your example #1, is a good example of the whole symptom-response-response cycle and how to invalidate another person's feelings....

  1. So, he ogles a cute, young girl who's serving drinks at a casino (note that this exactly the reason they hire cute, young girls to serve drinks at casinos).  (Symptom)
  2. You shame him for it.  (Response)
  3. He gets defensive and the two of you get into a fight.  (Response)

The next time...

  1. He again ogles the same cute, young girl who's serving drinks at a casino.  (Symptom)
  2. You shame him again for it, and invalidate him by accusing him of thinking and feeling things that you could not know for certain unless you could read his mind. (Response)
  3. He again gets defensive, and invalidates your feelings by telling you are wrong.  (Response)

So, shaming him and accusing him didn't work the first time...  Why should it work the second?

Instead, let him know how you're feeling in a respectful way, and try figuring out why he's ogling her...

"I noticed you were looking up and down at that cute, young girl serving you drinks tonight.  I feel jealous and unappreciated when you do that.  Is there a reason you do it?"

And a good response from him might sound something like...

"Oh, I'm sorry you feel that way.  I didn't realize.  She's pretty and young and she was flirting with me, and I know she gets paid to do that.  But it was a little exciting and flattering, and made me feel good about myself.  I would never do anything beyond that, though, because I love you too much.  If it makes you feel that bad, I'll try to be more careful about it in the future.  Feel free to give me a kick in the shin, if I'm going too far."

It's not a skill that's easy to learn...  Talking to a counselor or a coach helps a lot.  And you both have to be aware of the problem and working to make it better.

 

Pb.

Or How about after he knew

Or How about after he knew she was upset the first time so he NOT do #1 again. now that would have avoided the symptom - response - response also.  Sorry i AM SOOO tired of always being the one to say the right thing, not ruffle his feathers because he will get pissed off. Walk on egg shells, soothe his ego, while he do whatever the hell he feels..... hmm it wasn't a good morning can you tell ?

Oh, I won't deny that...  He

Pbartender's picture

Oh, I won't deny that...  He has to do a better job managing the symptoms, but she also has to do a better job managing her response.  Just one or the other won't do it...  It's a mutual thing.

Also...  If shouting at him and shaming him doesn't work (it wouldn't work with me, and it wouldn't work with my non-ADHD wife, either...), why spend all that time and effort and anger to shame him?  You don't have to be a wishy-washy push-over, but a respectful attitude, rather than an antagonistic one, might get a better response, and understanding why he's doing it and why it makes you upset might provide insight toward a better solution.

 

Pb.

funnyfarm,

I agree with you all the way...Pb is trying to pass wrong judgment but he too has his own faults and is trying maybe to cover for his own self..The thing about that whole situation is that my H knew that I was not happy with him ogling that girl..or any woman for that matter and he keeps doing it...once I put down my feet he stopped a bit then he started back again..it's like he is my child where I have to constantly remind him to tie his shoe lace...this is getting very old for me and overwhelming.I am tired of it!!! and is trying but getting fed up...he does not respect me and he is always hurting me in this way...that is such a stupid thing to just let him do what the hell he wants according to Pb I shamed him....lol....lol....he never even respected me at first and then come back around to harm my feelings a second time around after knowing how I felt...double whammy..

that is soo stupid...

lovehurts.

I am the non-ADHD spouse and

I am the non-ADHD spouse and just wanted to say that I really cannot see where you interpreted PB's post this way. I think you're reading everything through your angry lenses right now, and missing a good point.

What I feel he is saying is that you have to stop "kicking brass" and sit down and say "this behavior hurts...are you willing to do what it takes to stop this behavior?" and then decide if you're either going to leave (if the answer is no) or stay and continue to expect nothing to change if NOTHING changes. He isn't getting treatment, I KNOW how frustrating and down right devastating that feels...but your anger helps NOTHING and logically I know you have to know this. 

You're tired and overwhelmed...many of us can relate. But until you start setting some boundaries for yourself, with some REAL consequences for him, then nothing is going to change. If he couldn't go to the casino and behave in a way that is respectful to your marriage, then why does he go? I would never have returned with him a second time to the casino knowing that his oogling other women is an ongoing issue. It is like taking an active alcoholic to a bar and expecting him not to drink. 

You said "once I put my foot down he stopped a bit..but then started back again". This is because the solution to this problem isn't going to come from anything you do, say, or feel...it will have to come from within him and from a strong desire to behave in a way that isn't hurtful to his wife. Your anger will not solve this problem..or any other problem..I think that is all PB was saying. You are very, very angry. Rightfully so. But be angry, be upset, and then move onto figuring out what you really want and need and what you're going to do if you don't get these from him.

 

SherriW13,not angry,

I am not angry...I am hurt and tired...this is not ever ending...but I get what you are saying..will try to let him know and set boundaries.

god help me,I hate confrontation like these.

thanks

lovehurts.

I totally agree with Sherri.

I totally agree with Sherri. You can't go back to the scene of the crime and not expect a similar response. Not only are you setting yourself up for angry and hurt fall, you're putting him in a bad situation. I interpreted the second casino trip as him not ogling her but you getting mad simply because he allowed her to serve him drinks. It's her job and who would be comfortable looking at someone and saying, "You know what? My wife doesn't like you serving me so send someone else." You are correct in that he shouldn't ogle other women, but saying something like that just makes you (and him) look incredibly stupid. 

I'm sorry that he doesn't have any impulse control though and that you may have to give up certain things in order to keep him on the straight and narrow. But I definitely agree that you have to control your response. I've found that my ADDer doesn't respond to me haranguing him about things. I'm lucky in that he never seems to notice other women (except to make fun of them) but other topics such as the "get a job" talk or "I don't approve of your friends" talk never goes well when I'm nagging him with the intention of "kicking brass."

"Don't try harder, try differently"

I'm agree with SherrieW13 and PB's posts. Is like Dr. Hollowell and Melissa Orlov's book said;"  don't try harder ,  try differently". Also, Orlov's said; "Assume you don't know your spouse's motives. If something makes you feel bad, ask questions so you can better understand the underlying motives......Keep the questions neutral....better approches......tone of voice really matters...." Create verbal cues to redirect conversations before they become a chaos,also a boundary action plan that will  guided you to make healthy changes......  I'm sorry to hear all your struggles. I think Orlov's book is a great resource that will help  you both. This book is a most have for all of us. I learned a lot from it. Hope your husband recognized that he needs some help as you and that you both can be able to work on this together as a team.   Wish you the best! Good luck!  (My first language is not English, so, please, excuse any mistakes)  

Yep

I hear ya...when does it end?

PB,I admit to a few,

I admit that maybe I was being a little to over reacting about the whole symptom-response-response.

H was very much in that same state I was in just last week when again we attend the same casino and only this time he had the issue of the symptom-response-response.And only then I understood what you were really trying to say to me,I may have misunderstood you to A great level.The thing that really had me pissed at your post to me was when you stated that,,, "that's why they hired pretty girls for in the first place"and that is what really had me pissed off....instead I got so aggravated I missed the entire reason and point of your post...do forgive me....G:)...

Lovehurts.

 

Pb...I am not shock at your response..

If you don't have anything good to say....don't say it....you make absolutely no sense...you don't even know how much I have been putting up with...I understand the symptom and concept of the response-response,I never once shamed him...he shamed himself...he has no respect for me as his wife,and his partner,maybe I should start ogling men!! but that's not me..

I have been having constant problems with his undressing other women with his eyes for as long as I can remember,and this is starting to get worse.

he has no control over his sex drive and watching porn,and I think that is why he constantly stares down other women..He is a sex addict.

Now before you go on passing wrong comments,try to fix yourself first..and if you don't have anything good to say...don't say it!!!

he has un-medicated ADHD and anger problems plus he has loads of depressions and anxiety also heavily distracted,and he takes his distractions to bed...try to give some comforting advice rather than spill out your frustrations from your own relations on someone's else threads...that's not what this marriage forum is here for...it's to encourage and help ...not criticize and condemn or pass judgment.

lovehurts.

My Own Brand of ADHD Kicking In...

Pbartender's picture

Lovehurts,

I'm sorry if that all came across wrong...  It can be tough to understand the entire situation from a few paragraphs on a message board.  Perhaps I misinterpreted your original post.

I wasn't spilling out frustrations or scrutinizing or condemning -- or at least I wasn't intending to -- though I can see how it might have looked that way.  I was simply trying to offer an explanation for why you aren't having any success with the situation, and perhaps offer an alternative solution.  But...

That's not what you were really looking for.  You are exceptionally angry over it all, you're venting, and you want some sympathy and validation...  Sorry if I missed that.  That's my own brand of ADHD kicking in.

 

Pb.

pb..it's okay...we both misundertood..

It's okay I am sorry too....thanks though...I ma really having a hard time with this for as long as we are married,maybe we really need to go for counseling,but he won't go..

lovehurts.

If he is 'undressing women

If he is 'undressing women with his eyes', and to top it off right in front of you, that isn't ADHD, he is just a pig and rude.  Sorry if that upsets you, as much as my H gets me mad I still don't like to hear others insult him...  I have been living/loving people with ADHD my whole life, my Mom, My H, My kids, and sorry there are some things that can be explained as ADHD, I do get it, and others that are simply bad behavior, every bad behavior cannot get a free pass. I am tired of every behavior being blamed on 'i can't help it I have ADHD'...sorry again not to piss everyone with that comment either, BUT I have heard that excuse too many times myself.   My H doesn't ogle women, at least not to my knowledge-not in front of me, however I USED to be a pretty attractive woman (now i feel old and dried up, I'm sure a wart will appear on my nose eventually too), and when we went out to dinner if a man smiled at me or if I smiled at our waiter...a simple friendly smile, not flirting or anything, he would get furious. It would get me upset that he got mad because i simply smiled...SO I was very careful NOT to even glance at a man when we went out, so as not to hurt his ego. Your H knows this upsets you and i think it would most women yet you say he continues to do it....thats is just disrespectful.

Oggling, porn, sex addiction, etc.

Hey lovehurts,

I wanted to write you privately about this, I hate ongoing comments that aren't relevant to everyone else and people just keep saying more about a subject best left to rest LOL, but anyways...here goes:

My husband and I are both very strong Christians and we worked together for a number of years in a recovery ministry. He was "sober" for a long time (or so I thought) and then confessed to relapse 2 years ago. Well, long story short, it came out that one of the MAIN reasons for his relapse was a hidden SEX addiction. He never ever addressed it during his substance abuse recovery, but it sent him down that road again. He came clean with me and it was literally the worst year of my life. I wanted to kill him and then go stick my head in an oven. Super painful. Still hurts some to this day when I think about it too much. BUT to help you sort through what you are facing, there is a difference between someone's nature (which can be healthy and balanced) and a person's willful bad behavior that is hurtful to others and themselves (aka in my world SIN, but you can just ignore me if you don't agree LOL :0) So we taught for years that yes, it may be hard for a person with emotional issues, baggage, mental health issues, etc. etc. etc. to turn from their addictions, but it is NOT impossible if they want to clean up their life, there is HELP!

So for my husband this coming clean was a HUGE relief. He knows that it may be HARDER for him than a non-ADD person to LOOK AWAY, stay away from Cosmo, and be accountable on the internet and his iPhone, but it is NOT impossible. He wants to stay married. He wants to be faithful to me his first and only wife. He wants to live his life free from that bondage to lusting after other women's body's at their expense and his detriment. Sooooooo..... The question is, IF your husband wants to be married to you and only to you, are his eyes and heart married to you, or is it only lip service? Does he want to stop looking at other women lustfully? Does he want to stop watching porn? If so AWESOME there is help for him!!!

IF not, like most men in an addiction, HE WILL continue to do it. No matter what you do say, think, yell, scream, cry, or threaten. My husband is walking it out HIMSELF, not because of me. I fail him miserable all the time in other ways. I am not a perfect wife. He's not doing this to LIVE UP TO me his pedestal girl. He is doing this for HIM. He wants to be pure in looking at other women. I hope he decides to keep wanting that.

Cause if not, I won't be his wife ANY more. If you get my drift. Support can only be true support if you have STRONG boundaries and self esteem. You can't have a one sided marriage or 1 sided support system. It gets unstable and will crash and fall. No matter what faith you are in, have FAITH in yourself enough to be strong and courageous for YOU. Look at your situation not with wishful thinking, or codependent thinking, but with a reality based thinking founded in truth! The truth will set you free!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

RE:porn,sex addiction..seejay..

Thank you for your great insight...I appreciate it..

I have had this problem with him for the entire time we are married for...when we first met,it was soo amazing(the hyper focused courtship) and we got married almost instantly.and I really had no time to know him that good,and that was b/c I fell head over heels in love with him and him also.So we tied the knot.Then I figured out after one month into the marriage something was wrong with him.At first he would not trust me with any male person or friends.(he still does not)but it was getting to the point of almost a big thing..when I really was only focused on work,kids,house,bills,and him.I was so happy to have a husband and a companion,something I was rubbed of.I loved the grounds he stood on and took care of him for 6 months when he was not working..I gave him my car to drive and a whole lot more...(to much to go in to right now)....

The thing about him was the starting of his huge complains over everything that took place in my home that was not even his concern since I ran my home to suit me a certain way for so many years, and he found issues with everything that was not called for...he complained non-stop...we almost broke up b/c my son was on the phone at 2 in the morning and he got mad for that and created a big scene.My son was 15 then,and now 16 and I know it was wrong but it was not a school night and I would leave him at times.H found problems after problems..then, when he got his job he moved out b/c his insecurities and anti-social ways was to much for him to stick around my family...he got his apartment and left...(THANK GOD) he gave me sooo much hell that he made my daughter cry one night saying that she has a eating disorder,not knowing my daughter might be ADHD too...taking in to considering the father's history of my daughter....and now seeing constant symptoms.

any ways....

concerning the porn thing...he has been doing that since he got his own apartment and I don't live there with him,,,I only go up on weekends and sometimes during the week after work...he lives 5 min away from me so it's not far to get to him...but,,,he would buy porn of the cable company and the bill is very ridiculous,it's $500 last month then this month it would be $1000,every month it gets higher and higher,till he was unable to pay the full amount and they threaten to cut the cable,he went in to panic mood and paid it.He has always been watching women for as long as he started working..and I think before as well I saw him starring down a woman at my cafe...this is insane...tooo much to bear...I love goes deeper than the ocean for him and I don't want to be with out him but he continues to make me miserable and for serious things that could have me wined up in health issues...

but,,,I would not let that happen,I get what you say about he has to do this for himself...that's true...he must want this as much as I do...else....nothing would work....soooo true...

I am learning to thrive with this..soon it might not even bother me again,,,have  a choice to leave or stay...and I chose to stay right now..for now atr least..

thank you....

lovehurts.

 

daz,well,

it's like this,me kicking brass was just my feelings,just the same he can't control his ADHD,I can't control my feelings,maybe I should not have kicked brass,but when I said that I never got on in any bad manner with him,it was me telling him how I felt,and as far as the girl is concern in the casino,it has like 20 other's there working,why chose the one you are starring down (ONLY)to serve you drinks????.

and well,you are lucky your husband does not oogle women,then you would really know how that felt.

lovehurts.

Not sure who this was

Not sure who this was to...

You should not feel bad for your feelings...it is completely reasonable to be upset about his oogling other women. It's hurtful, disrespectful, and just flat out rude. You can, however, control whether or not you accept this behavior from him...and so far, you have. Whether you see it that way or not, you do...by staying with him as he continues to do it.

No,  my husband doesn't oogle other women when we are together...but he has inappropriate friendships, was accused of 'hitting on' a woman once, and has had a one night stand with his ex-wife, and a full blown 2 month affair with someone he knew from high school...so I do know how it feels to some degree. He isn't addicted to 'sex' so much as he is addicted to feeling 'good' and when our marriage doesn't fill that need for him (due to BOTH of us not making the effort...not just ME), he looks elsewhere. God help him, he better get it right this time...I've made it clear that he's completely out of second chances...and I mean it. I have drawn the line...you need to as well.

 

sherriW13,post not for you,but thanks for that insight.

Thanks for sharing that with me I appreciate that a whole lot,it helps to know I am not alone in this and how this affects me,It really is very hard for me.

I know I need to work on areas with my self as well ,but then when I get better he stays the same and then I fall right out of line again.I hope that things can really be different for everyone on these marriage forums,but hey we all suffer at some level or another and I am happy to find the comfort from you guys..thanks a lot.

lovehurts.

PS to be funny

Hey and people ALWAYS say "It's NORMAL for men to act like this. They wouldn't be men if they didn't." I want to say in return: "Oh sorry I kicked you in the crotch. It's NORMAL for women to do that. I wouldn't be a woman if I didn't boot you in the groin!"  Sorry if that is INAPPROPRIATE! Ha ha ha ha! You can flag me. BUT seriously it hurts us that bad emotionally. It is so hurtful, degrading, rude, disgusting, and demeaning. So if it hurts us as women that bad it should be normal for us to kick them where the sun don't shine NORMALLY too. LOL Sorry guys, but it IS very hurtful and insensitive.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

"...but then when I get

Pbartender's picture

"...but then when I get better he stays the same and then I fall right out of line again."

I know how that feels...  Before I was diagnosed, that seemed to be half our problem.  As soon as one of us would be getting better while the other was still feeling down for whatever reason.  And then whoever was down would drag the other back down.  It's a tough cycle to break.

Now that I've been diagnosed, I am determined to, and am focusing all the unwavering, methodical, patient stubborness of my Austrian-German ancestors toward that goal!

 

Pb.

Yeah, Sherri...she was

Yeah, Sherri...she was directing her comment to me. 

LoveHurts... I wasn't saying that you shouldn't be angry. I was just suggesting that it's always best to calm down and approach the situation from a different angle. It is inappropriate for him to ogle women...he CAN control it as you CAN control your reactions (not necessarily feelings). 

For example, yesterday my hubby asked me for money. "I don't get paid until tomorrow, but I have to go to this interview tonight at the pool hall. Can I have some gas money?" My response was "no" because Friday's my payday and I only had $5 in my bank account. I felt bad all day. Even though I know that he barely makes a pittance for cooking and DJing the bar he works in and can't manage money for crap, I still felt bad for saying no. I get home and make dinner and we have a nice time and when he gets ready to leave, it becomes clear to me that he has enough money for gas AND to play pool when he gets there. So I ask him why he asked me for money. He was very patronizing in his response (he left out crucial details from his initial request that morning) and ended the whole thing by trying to manipulate me into feeling bad for him (it didn't work) and then insulting me for "interrogating" him. I didn't take the bait (he was using his neutral, but with the intent to wound voice) and he went on his way. I thought even more about the exchange and it made me mad; I almost picked up my phone and called him to bless him out. But I didn't. I started to cry. But I stopped myself. What would be the point? In his mind, he has every right to ask me for money even though I pay all the bills on my salary and he rarely (if ever) helps me out. He thinks because he feels like he's not "man enough" (his words, not mine) then that should be enough for me to excuse him. 

So in the end I didn't say anything. I got a little childish and didn't send him a good night text (though he texted me way past the time I went to bed to say that he loved me). When he finally came to bed, the first thing he did was pull me into his arms. When I got up this morning, there was $10 on the table for me. I knew then that I had gotten the better shake. I could have reacted to his jabbing me with insults and I'm fairly confident that I wouldn't have gotten the $10 or the bear hug in the middle of the night. 

I say all of this for one point: I've found that the more time that I spend "picking my battles", the more he seems to appreciate me. Yes, I have my meltdowns that I don't control so well. But the fewer I have, the more he says and tries to show me how he appreciates me. 

And on the subject of other women--no he doesn't ogle them, but he has put himself into some bad situations where he's been accused of cheating on me (one time not three months after our wedding). Every case was unfounded, and deep down, I know he hasn't cheated. But it has made me more sensitive to his interactions with other women. But I usually take issue with the women and not him. I once asked him to ask a girl to not text him and he said it was a stupid way to react. "Don't text me because my wife doesn't like it" only makes him look foolish and those girls out there who like to push other girls' buttons will only get off on messing with me (even if I don't know them). 

All I was saying to you was that you can't go to town on him for ogling another woman (a lot of men do...ADHD or not) and then put him right back into the same situation. It's like you were testing him...and rarely does that turn out well.

I was not testing him...of course not...

I was not testing him, of course not...he knew how uncomfortable these oogling women makes me feel and yet he continues...I never once stood there and wait to see it happen,it just does and I just happened to noticed b/c I am very good at analyzing these things..Maybe you are misunderstanding me like some on here...I have never gotten in to any fights with him to the point of this and maybe I should stand my grounds then it might stop..We have no concrete boundaries,he would be the only one to set boundaries on me when I am not doing anything to have boundaries..The thing about this is that you are right about it's normal for men to watch other women,I agree,ADHD or not...but his own is very chronic and disturbing,it's all in his eyes when I look at him..all over his body language everything changes..I think he has cheated on his Ex wife before and I am certain he most definitely could do it to me..I am not going to just stay clam while he oogles other women in my presence...very disrespectful and shameful..I always leave him to do what he wants but after a certain degree there is a line to draw and he does not know when to draw lines...

actually it's the man we have to confront about there action not the other women,,,sometimes the other women might just want to push our buttons..but why did our spouses encourage that in the first place???

exactly....

lovehurts...

 

I don't necessarily think of

I don't necessarily think of it as "encouraging". It's more like avoidance. I still maintain that a second trip to the casino was a bad idea.

BUT...

I just read the rest of this thread (I had skimmed over some posts). It sounds like your husband has more problems than just ogling women. The porn thing is very upsetting. I wouldn't tolerate that sort of behavior. I know some women don't have an issue with it, but I think it's degrading (not to mention morally repugnant). And I have to ask...why are you so insistent on staying with this guy? Yeah, you may love him, but he doesn't appear to have any respect or regard for you. You've mentioned that you wanted a partner but he's not your partner. He doesn't even live with you. I couldn't tell if his moving out was your idea or his. It sounds like you maintain two separate households so what's the point of staying married? Are you guys receiving counseling? I can't really pick at the idea of being separated since my hubby and I split up for a while, but at least we were seeking help for our problems. And as mentioned, he does not suffered from some of the more demoralizing aspects of ADHD. If he was the type to ogle other women or be constantly disrespectful in his behavior to me, I wouldn't have bothered.

I just don't understand why you would continue to enable this guy to walk all over you. You shouldn't have to "kick brass" to get his attention or his respect.

dazedandconfused,I thank you...

wow!! you are very consistent with my postings I thank you for trying to help me ...but....

I am the one who is facing this and only from what I write then anyone who reads my post only gets a piece of the story and not the full blow of it..

You have mention that we don't live together and that makes us not to be partner's...thats so not true,,he has done a lot to hurt me...but he is also very kind and sweet,,I mention some of the good times we have on a next thread and this was just my way of venting out what I felt in my frustrations since I really don't discuss this with anyone really..I mostly blog it out...we are very good together actually...he is very good with taking care of me when I am sick and he does ALL the cooking,well,at least almost all the time...he takes me out dancing,he took me on a 10 day vacation and all expenses was paid by him,he dived up lobster's for me and we were very much happy during the whole period of the vacation and even when we are not on vacations..I am not going to leave him for oogling women or watching porn...it just hurts me to know that he would do the things to not make me happy that is it!! I don't understand certain things in him,but learning to accept it for now until maybe time would heal my wounds..or change him I pray...if there were real physical infidelity then maybe I would leave him..or for sure...

try to understand dazedandconfused,that all marriages are not the same and there are circumstances in some,, and just b/c we don't live together,doesn't make us a lesser couple than those who live together,,I totally disagree with most of the things you have stated,but thank you for your time..

many reasons for us not living together is..(1)I have my business at home,(2)my kids live with me(3)he has a small apartment,no room for my kids(4)my mother lives with me..and the house really is just not at all so roomy right now.....plenty details do not wish to go in to right now...

we always go to the casino,and there will be lots of women all over not only in the casino,,if we stopped going to the casino and went to the mall,,what if he starts starring down a woman at the mall,,then what I should not go there too?  this does not make any sense to me..but I still thank you again..may god bless you always and help you in your marriage as well...

lovehurts.

 

 

 

 

integrity in communication

MagicSandwich's picture

Flirting, making deals and giving "gifts" are all part of that juvenile ADHD coping mechanism. Unfortunately, this type of behavior also typifies bimbos and mimbos. Girl I feel your pain, I really do.

I've dated some real winners (with and without ADHD) whose behavior went way way beyond the stereotypical construction worker. Their habitual flirtations were more like a a lifestyle choice. I have some girlfriends that act this way too, where meeting them for drinks and conversation after work amounts me to sipping my G&T in silence while they flirt with every bartender and male patron in the place. One girlfriend in particular seriously cannot or will not dial it down - not even at the post office when I was helping her fill out her passport application. Did her obnoxious eye contact, singsong voice and careful head tilting get her to the front of the line faster? You bet it did. But going through life like that is sad and maladaptive. She's been dumped too many times to count and never seems to understand why. 

MagicS

Magicsandwich...

flirting...oogling.....gets you no where..and to tell you the truth I have done that too,,,many of us has I am sure,,but not since I am married,, and not as often,,,but,,,..trust me when i say...it really gets you dumped as many times you might not even remember...

I thank you for sharing..

lovehurts..

Look at yourself

Lovehurts, you over and over describe a man who treats you like sh1t. And still you often end your posts with comments like "Love him to pieces". That is to me a total mystery! Can't you see you are worth something better?!

Karinda

(apologize for my English, not my first language)

karinda...

I really do deserve much better....

thank you....

lovehurts...

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