Is there any tips or tricks I can try to not take my gf's burnout personally.. I feel like I am bearing the brunt of all the negativity at the moment and it is really taking a toll on me.
I feel like a tiny priority of her life and the resentment I am getting is not making me feel in a good place at all.. I understand that she is overwhelmed, anxious, stressed etc but she does nothing to help herself.
Am I stuck in this whirlpool.. as this happens 4 times a year minimum and she says our relationship is to blame but our relationship gets strained as she has zero boundaries towards work. It's consuming her life and because of this we have no life but she doesn't acknowledge this she just picks up on when I challenge her regarding being snappy with me.. off with me.. short with me..
Doesn't feel like a life anymore.
How do I be a good partner even when pushed to the brink of leaving for my own mental health.
Can relate
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
I hear you big time. I'm gonna sound very cliched right now but being a good partner means that you are looking after yourself FIRST and foremost and if you need to leave for a bit for your own mental health, then that is what you need and there's nothing wrong with fulfilling your needs. Your brain & body are probably screaming at you now but it sounds like you are pushing it down and trying to push more with your partner - when taking a breather is sometimes one of the best things you can do for yourself. I'm not talking about going nuclear and breaking up or moving out or something major, but there is a lot of space between the nuclear end of things (blowing it all up with no take-backs) and just sitting there letting the resement, anger and frustration build.
One practical tip I can give as I've been there where you are too many times, is to find a way to regulate your emotions in the moment...for me, I've found great solace in the 'Start Here' section of the articles on this site and just go through them and read the topic of the ones that resonate with at that time. And the comments too bc you will feel less alone and sometimes the comments give very good solace and practical advice - and at the very least, it can help to regulate your emotions so you are thinking and seeing clearly. Perhaps you do need to leave, but perhaps there's another way too for you to move forward but it's hard to see this without clearing your head.
good luck. you are in the right place
Absorbing her stress
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
If you're like me, you find it hard not to absorb the emotions and stress of people around you, especially when you care about them. What I found helpful was physically leaving as much as possible so I couldn't act as the receptacle for my partner's emotions. I went on walks, went shopping, took a bath and locked the door and joined a weekly group I enjoyed. When I was home, I would offer a reasonable amount of sympathy as a partner, but desperately tried not to let his mood or choices affect mine. Of course this only works to a degree... you can't be around a thundercloud all the time and not get wet, no matter how sturdy your umbrella. I should note that I did also leave eventually for my mental health (due to more than this issue). If this is not something your gf sees as a problem (or even sees at all!), it is unlikely to change.
we have no life
Submitted by honestly on
I noticed this in particular about what you say - you have no life; it doesn't feel like a life. This is exactly how I've felt - no life - decades of partner's work as his hyperfocus, me picking up everything else, including his (to me, seemingly unprovoked) snappiness and bad temper and no sense of their being anything beyond that for us. No fun. Increasing isolation and depression on my part. In our case he only really notices my needs if I really strongly assert myself (and I don't find this easy). You could try telling her what you need (something simple like a day together at the weekend doing something you enjoy) in the most direct and factual way. See if they can meet you there. If they can't take on something like that for you, then maybe you have to accept they ultimately won't meet your needs. They might not mean to let you down, it might not be 'personal', but as far as the effect on you goes, does that really ultimately matter?