We stumbled into ADHD just a few weeks ago. Until then it was understood in our marriage that I was a very critical, negative person. None of my friends would recognize this portrait of me at all (I have asked!) but this is what he'd say about me and to me. Until very recently I was really trying to make things work. I'd try to be more generous, kinder, tolerant, not complain about the stuff he didn't do and the work it landed on me. I'd try not to annoy him. I prioritized him and his needs so much. When things were bad, I'd try to devise clear and simple ways of making things better, but he'd not stick to them. I felt lonely, ignored, and that when I brought stuff up it was dismissed as part of what was wrong with me. I felt that I really must be a horrible person. Meanwhile I'd brought up our kids mostly by myself - while he hyper-focused, I now understand, on work (I work too). Things had got pretty bad. I'm not the kind of person to share this kind of thing even with my closest friends - it feels like disloyalty - so I was on my own with it. We tried couples therapy. It was horrendous - I felt like I was a monster, complaining about this charming, twinkly, busy, successful man in the therapist's office. I barely recognized him as the same person who was snarling at me, ignoring me, or hurt and offended over nothing and demanding affirmation from me at home. Then my partner came upon something online, followed it up, and now here we are with him self-diagnosed with ADHD. He is pursuing a proper diagnosis and probably medication. He's quite shaken by the possibility that he might have, as he says, 'something wrong with him', though I don't see it as that - I just see it as an explanation of all the tiny wounds over the years, that I struggled to get over, but he could so readily move on from. Meanwhile something is definitely wrong with me. I have hypertension and it has been getting worse; it's caused by stress. My meds have been upped and upped and I've made all the lifestyle changes and it's still not under control, so I'm now at a high risk of stroke and heart attack. And now he has a condition, and is exploring it, and seeking treatment (including talking therapy with is at least in part about how critical and negative I have been to him) I am expected to continue to manage his symptoms and my reactions to them, because they are 'symptoms'. He doesn't seem that concerned about my physical health, or that I am at genuine risk of serious harm. I don't mean to be melodramatic - that's just true. I thought I came here with questions but now I'm looking back over this and realizing I don't have questions. I just needed to share with people who might understand.
I think this is making me ill
Submitted by honestly on 02/09/2024.
Likely use the diagnosis as a crutch
Submitted by adhd32 on
Be prepared for him to now have an excuse for every undone thing. You need boundaries as things change. Don't put all your hope in an improvement in your relationship, managing this takes work and dedication from him. You can't fix this.
thank you for this. It does
Submitted by honestly on
thank you for this. It does feel like I have to be sympathetic and set myself aside again; years while he gets the meds etc. I struggle with boundaries for my own reasons. I'll work on this - my boundaries- as a priority. Thank you.
Set yourself aside?
Submitted by adhd32 on
No, no, no!!!
You prioritize yourself!!! HE must do the work on himself by himself...that should be your boundary. No work or follow through on his part means he isn't going to change. You need to figure out what your plan will be if he remains as his is now. You cannot change him or do the work for him.
I'm sorry you have to be here
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Your story is so similar to my own - I can relate to all of it. This new realization that ADHD is at the heart of your difficulties is so important. From here, he can choose to acknowledge and address the impact his symptoms have on your relationship or continue to make this relationship about fulfilling only his needs while you drown.
I'm so glad you found a safe place to share. Please stick around and keep reaching out. I highly suggest the adhd_partners subreddit as well for very real talk from people who are or who have been in your situation. I know you didn't really ask for advice, but if I could offer one bit, it would be to start ruthlessly putting yourself first. No matter how he chooses his path from here, you can't keep lighting yourself on fire to keep him warm. Your health is at serious risk. I was there too and I have lifelong physical repercussions as a result. I regret very much that I medicated MYself and endured years of illness to manage HIS disorder. He neither noticed nor cared what his behaviour did to me or our daughter. I finally left my 20-year marriage 3 years ago and my physical health is night and day.
Hugs. You sound like you've been a wonderful partner who deserves (a lot) better than this.
You left, and even with all
Submitted by honestly on
You left, and even with all the stress of separation, your health is already much improved?
Health very much improved
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Yes. Honestly, it got worse before it got better. The process of leaving was very stressful as it all fell to me to prepare the house to sell, parent our child alone and keep the separation process moving along legally. All while working full time still. I thought I knew what bottom looked like until then.
BUT, once I was officially out, the cloud started to lift. It definitely took a year until I felt a noticeable emotional improvement, but in only a couple of months, I felt noticeably better physically. With hindsight, I can say that I didn't fully understand the gravity of stress I actually counted on my mind and body to manage every second of every day by staying in an unhealthy, imbalanced relationship. My daughter and I have a wonderful, fun, orderly life on our own now. When he comes to visit, it quite often turns to chaos and my body instantly responds - stomach lurching, heart racing, head pounding. And it's a reminder to me that I used to live in that heightened physical state ALL THE TIME - it had just become my normal. Now that it's not my normal, I am shocked by how unacceptable it all really was and grateful I'm not subjected to it daily anymore.
I'm not a doctor and don't know your ailments, but it might be worth talking to your GP about your relationship situation and asking for their professional opinion about how much circumstance and unrelenting stress can play a part in the physical challenges you're experiencing.
Selfish people
Submitted by nefun76 on
My ex and your ex- partner could just be brothers ..lol...morbidly selfish, self centered ( also charismatic, gentle and can be sweet) and have no willingness to prioritize other people , for my ex even for his children . He is more concerned about preserving himself and his money than even the welfare of his kids.
He cheated on me with a mutual friend , living with her now and is trying to reduce child support so he can spend more money on her and her kid to please her .
Pls don't continue the co-dependency , if tables were turned they would not blink an eye especially as you have uncontrolled hypertension . Pls extricate your self from that situation even if it means staying with your parents or family for some time You need to re- calibrate and reduce the stress levels. Your kids need you to stay alive .
this is the thing!
Submitted by honestly on
Oh my word that's awful for you. I really don't understand where or how we draw a line between 'symptoms' and just plain old fashioned selfishness? And does it really matter in the end, if the results are the same?
Jumping In Here...
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I want to jump in here and suggest that there are a number of different directions things could go here. Finding out that ADHD has been a factor explains a whole lot in one's relationship past. It doesn't necessarily mean you have a specific future ahead. It is possible, for example, that the ADHD partner starts to own his ADHD, works hard to manage it, and that things on his side change dramatically. He would still have ADHD, but your relationship would calm down, and he would be able to be more reliable, etc etc. You could potentially connect again in a way that would be satisfying.
If he doesn't own the ADHD and decides he doesn't wish to do the hard work, then things are much less likely to change.
In the meantime, it is critically important that you do take care of your health and that you do start to put yourself and your needs ahead of where they have been in the past. Only you can really take care of you. (Even in a strong relationship with a really giving partner, you are still ultimately responsible for yourself.). This will mean doing some intense work around building up a better set of boundaries. I would suggest you read Boundary Boss for a start and dig into her boundary intensity exercises.
You say that your partner sees you as the bad guy. This is likely due to both the parent-child dynamic, in which he feels you exert too much control and/or critique him too much (read The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD for more info) AND ALSO that those with ADHD generally are exceptionally sensitive to real or perceived criticism. This can be a difficult area for non-ADHD partners to explore at first, because things delivered as fact "you didn't take out the trash this morning" are also, actually, critiques of the ADHD partner. It's hard to hear that your really emotionally dysregulated, chaotic partner who might be defiant, emotionally punishing or otherwise incredibly hard to live with also has a point on the controlling/critiquing pushback. The (very) delicate balance comes with how to get your thoughts/wants/desires expressed in respectful ways...which is where the boundaries work comes in.
If your partner really does have ADHD (sounds as if you've both concluded that) then get educated; and seek to make ADHD a 'third party' in your relationship. Hopefully it's the ADHD that is the issue, not your partner. Understand it takes a while to make ADHD more neutral (again - he has to be fully on board with taking on improving his side, just as you have to be fully on board with improving your own side of things. It's quite possible that you could have been acting differently with him than with your friends, just as he was acting differently with you than with his friends ,business partners, and therapists.)
You will find much needed support here...but resist the urge to blame your partner for all that has happened. Whatever work that needs to be done to help support better health (for you and the relationship) will happen faster if you focus on your own needs and shifts rather than on what he is or is not doing.
Welcome!
Thank you
Submitted by honestly on
Thank you - this is all very helpful. One thing I really do struggle to understand though is how to communicate without triggering RSD. I can be agreeing with him and he'll take offense. I find this stressful, which is bad for my health, so I do want to fix my side of this, because as you say I have to take responsibility for my own health. Just how do you do it? I don't expect him to do much in the way of practical things (I've always known he was not a practical man) so I don't nag when he doesn't do them. He said this himself after reading your book: 'Well you don't nag.' I just have in the past got on with stuff. The kids have noticed and remarked on it - that I do all the traditionally female and all the traditionally male jobs too. Is me doing this the problem? I don't think he's internalized that as criticism - he's always had the approach that if he's not interested in it it's not important. I've read elsewhere that having RSD is like having sunburn - the slightest touch hurts. I know this hurts him, but it's got so I avoid speaking in order to avoid hurting him and to avoid the stress of being made to feel like I'm horrible. I'm sorry if this comes over as defensive but this is what I find so hard - speaking kindly to someone who's supposed to love me and them snapping back. How do you speak in such a way that you don't trigger RSD?
There's only so much you can do and then it's boundary time
Submitted by CANTGOBACK on
What I have found is there is only so far I can go with taking responsibility for the tone of the conversation. I have done a lot to improve my communication. If he still becomes defensive I firmly say something like "I am not criticizing you, please don't become defensive with me because this is not about you, it's about my feelings (or whatever the topic is). I have been firm about this, assertive I guess is the word. I continue to be caring and dont switch into negativity just because he does. If the conversation devolves into RSD circular insanity I remove myself. Although with time the issue has become far less of a problem.
'assertive' is useful. I do
Submitted by honestly on
'assertive' is useful. I do think a danger is that you crush yourself to stop offending them. I think I've done this.
I did for a while
Submitted by CANTGOBACK on
But of course it's unsustainable, not to mention ineffective. I push back gently while also making sure to express something positive, loving or supportive. I try not to placate or be overly accommodating to it, I treat him like a grown man who swerved into my lane and I try to push him back into his lane and move on with things rather than get tangled up in his reactions if you know what I mean. He's got to be able to get back into a fair communicating space or I'm not going to engage.
Being the man and the woman
Submitted by Swedish coast on
The combined male and female family responsibilities I've had to take too. It's lonely, terrible, and unfair.
I'm also very familiar with having a partner react violently to soft inquiries of good intent. That is also unfair.
RSD may be ever so painful for an ADHD partner. That doesn't mean you have no right to express your point of view, or indeed exist. Please don't feel you should mold your entire existence around his disability.
I want to second what Melissa said
Submitted by CANTGOBACK on
Specifically, there is more than one outcome possible. People tend to project their own experience onto others, and might adamantly insist that your experience will be like theirs. But there are MANY factors at play in every situation, not just adhd. These include but are not limited to:
Severity of the presentation
Attachment styles of each partner, and awareness of said
Trauma histories and personal experiences that contribute to individual narratives
The presence or absence of comorbidities
Psychological health of BOTH partners
Interpersonal skill development in each partner
Personal values and beliefs
Willingness on both sides coupled with action or not
External support systems (choose carefully and avoid those who support victim mentality and blame)
External stressors
Individual temperaments
General physical health in each partner
Conflict resolution skills and the capacity to develop them
Etc etc
There truly is no cookie cutter outcome. Also, there can be a kind of group think or bands of individuals who share common experiences and so develop a group mentality and operate out of that. Birds of a feather flock together. I would venture to say that online forums foster/attract these kinds of groups, although I can't back that up with any kind of evidence it's just an observation. I'd also venture to guess there are lots of adhd/non relationships that are functional and more "average" in terms of the intensity of couple issues to resolve. Not every couple is going to get to and remain in these extremely toxic ruts, it's all on a spectrum and influenced by the factors listed above, and numerous other factors.
Just stuff to be aware of because confirmation bias can be a slippery slope. If you're triggered and upset then what you most fear may be what you see, instead of other possibilities.
None of this is to say that you should minimize or deny very real circumstances and conditions in your own relationship, but try to consider other angles than doom and gloom. Horrific outcomes are possible but so are more positive outcomes that involve healing, recovery, and growth. This is your own journey.
It feels like disloyalty to tell your friends about your pain?
Submitted by CANTGOBACK on
That's something I'd encourage you to explore, because not being able to seek support due to some misplaced loyalty is a deep issue, and unpacking that first might help you have clarity about how to take good care of yourself, how to be loyal to you.
This is relatable
Submitted by LongHauler (not verified) on
My husband only recently acknowledged that he "might" have ADHD and so he is in therapy and when he comes home he dumps all his epiphanies on me. "My therapist says..." and it makes me want to scream. His therapist says ONE TIME something I have been saying for over 15 years (together over 25) and he just accepts it. I guess because she is an expert and I am just the stupid woman he married. The stupid woman who has invested 25 years ensuring his success at work and with his children and making sure we are not only not bankrupt but actually prepared for retirement.
I used to consider divorce regularly but I had given up so much to keep the ship righted that I had financial dependency and also didn't trust that he would keep on track enough to support our children if I left. So I stayed to protect my children's interests but they are all grown.
My strategy right now is that I am focusing on myself and letting him do whatever he wants to do. I started taking knitting lessons and doing things for myself like going to the salon and getting new clothes. I'm living a parallel life rather than an enmeshed one. It's lonely sometimes but I am happier. I still do all the housework and financial work but I just treat it like a job. When I want him to do something I assign it to him like a manager. I want to take a small vacation soon and I will choose it and book it and if he wants to come fine but I've decided to go alone if that's what it takes. No more putting myself on the back burner.
If you are young enough, get out. Don't let the "sunk cost fallacy" happen to your relationship. I used to think it would kill me to leave and see him get his act together with the next wife but maybe that would have been better for all of us. I don't think either of us is our best self right now.