So living with my ADHD husband there are so many phrases that I hear that make me want to run screaming into the street. Some of the phrases I could live without ever hearing again include: I just didn't think about it. I didn't do it on purpose. I've got it covered (when the opposite is true). No, did you ask me to? No, did you tell me to? I can't remember saying/doing that. I can't remember you saying/doing that. I didn't finish...whatever. I'll do it tomorrow/later (when we know it's NEVER). And my most favorite: I forgot. Man am I tired of hearing all of those phrases. Here's an analogy: when I was in college I minored in poly sci and I took a number of classes in Russian politics and the prof talked about how the KGD functioned before the cold war--a Russian citizen could get arrested for doing something on a Tuesday that was not illegal on a Monday. He said trying to figure out the laws at that time was like trying to grab smoke. THAT is how I think about my husband and trying to communicate with him. If I ask a question I may get a straightforward answer OR it may take a number of follow up questions and I STILL may be no closer to an answer than before I ever began asking. I just don't get it. Ditto with the amount of things he "just didn't think about". How does that work in your job? What happens when you drop the ball at work because you "just didn't think about it". But of course how can I get angry when it's not his fault?? He is not a malicious person, doesn't have a mean bone in his body, never does anything on purpose, so I come off as the bitch who is upset that whatever didn't get done despite the fact that he "didn't do it on purpose". How do others deal with this??? It's like being mad at smoke--if NOTHING is ever his fault how can I possibly be mad??? Any phrases that you could happily never hear again?
if I never hear these phrases again...
Submitted by dvance on 03/30/2015.
"I was going to do that"
Submitted by learningtoloveadd on
Ahhhh dvance....you struck a chord with this one. My ADD hubs is constantly telling me about what "he's going to do today." I nod, like a always do, and it just goes in one ear and out the other. My expectations are so low on him actually following through on anything that "he's going to do." The worst for me is the dishes and mowing the lawn....he'll often say in the morning, "leave the dishes in the sink, I'll do them when I get home." Yeah right. I've been fooled (and let down) by his commitments one too many time to ever believe him. I don't ever think I've done the dishes when he's been around without him saying, as I rinse the last dish, "oh, I was going to do those myself." All I can think is, yeah, and I have some ocean-front property in Arizona to sell you!!! I wish he would just leave well enough alone and simply thank me for doing things that he's committed to and didn't follow through on!
I will do it
Submitted by jennalemone on
I learned that if I am in the middle of doing something, THEN Dh will offer to DO it....that thing that I am already doing! It's nice to have a project all laid out...like a neat kit....ready to go. Like when we buy a model kit with all the pieces and tools and materials pre-arranged. Well, I have done this a few times with projects I need done by him. I don't ask dh to do it. But, I gather all the materials and tools and make sure he is around. Then I act like it is going to be my fun for the day to do this project....like painting or sanding or gardening. He will then say, "I'll do that if you want me to." I used to get sort of resentful that I had to do prep work for him. Now I just find ways that work. It's like Tom Sawyer painting a fence. Gee....this is fun!
Hahahah My ex always did that
Submitted by lauren07 on
Hahahah My ex always did that too. I'd remind him repeatedly to give our son a bath, and he would just sit there promising to get up. As soon as I stood up to do it, he would bolt out of the chair.
oh yes!!!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
>>>
Some of the phrases I could live without ever hearing again include:
I just didn't think about it.
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Plain ole ADHD going on here.
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I didn't do it on purpose.
>>>>>
I often hear this when H has knocked something over or has broken something by not being careful or he hasn't used any foresight.
H will walk out of the house with his big fat gym bag over one shoulder and his laptop case over the other....and he'll knock over everything in his path. Because he hasn't learned from this mistake, at some point, he can't keep claiming that "it was an accident."
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I've got it covered (when the opposite is true).
>>>>
That is just their way to put off any nagging.
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No, did you ask me to?
No, did you tell me to?
I can't remember saying/doing that.
>>>
H would just say, "you didn't ask me to". He wouldn't even say, "did". lol. So, I began texting and emailing requests and asking for a response to verify. That way when he'd insist that I never told him, or that he never saw the text/email, I could show him...."see, you responded right there." (I had to do this because H would accuse me of LYING and he'd scream at me for "lying".
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I can't remember you saying/doing that.
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More reasons to text/email verification.
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I didn't finish...whatever. I'll do it tomorrow/later (when we know it's NEVER).
<<<<
I would HATE it when H would say that he's going to do something (fix something) over the weekend. He'd insist that it would only take 5-10 minutes. Then he'd procrastinate and say he'd do it Sunday afternoon, then evening....then that would come and it would take too long to do and he wouldn't finish. .
>>>>>
And my most favorite: I forgot.
<<<<
Text reminders with verifications help with that.
Just doing his own thang.
Submitted by jennalemone on
I started cleaning the grout between the tiles in the kitchen. Dh said "I'll do that if you want me to." I have gotten smart with him now. I know that if I said OK....the project would turn into something where the kitchen would be unusable for the next 2 months!. Instead, I said....I'm good. (It took me an hour or so to finish the project), ..."but you could clean the grout in your downstairs bathroom. I would appreciate that." He started that, then started taking the shower drain apart. Then chopped a hole in the wall to get at the pipes to the drain. Then traveled to a few "Home Depot" type places....he never calls or uses internet...he must VISIT the actual store to ask if they have the right part. After doing this a few times and ordering a part and spending money on parts and adhesives....I don't know how much time and money he has spent. But I kept reminding him that we were having a house full of people on Easter...and we need that bathroom to be working.....The day before Easter he feverishly is working on putting the bathroom back together..... He spent 2 months working on that project.....I only wanted the grout between the tiles cleaned.....(an hour's worth of work). Then he wants me to thank him. He is in his own independent world where time does not exist, responsibility does not exist, care and love for another have an entirely different definition to him than to me. He seems to want to be independent of marriage, time, responsibility, or union. He just wants to do his own thang and not be talked to.. Terribly lonely for me who just wants to share a life.
"I can do that online!"
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
"I can do that online!" Uttered before spending at least an hour on the computer to set up an account with the U.S. Postal Service so he could print a priority mail tag and save approximately 75 cents, versus me driving to the post office, buying the tag, and mailing the package, total time approximately 20 minutes.
all of those are part of my
Submitted by ADHDgirl1978 (not verified) on
all of those are part of my list of typical responces as well. to be honest, i have never realized how often i use them. until i met and married my husband i was single and lived on my own since i was 18, i am not 36. so thus no one there to see my bad habits and get on my ass if i forgot where my keys were for the zillionth time or didnt do the dishes for a week due to my laziness or question my purchase of more Danskos i didnt need. then he came into my life and start to notice these things and tell me when things i did were a little odd or questions things. and currently when i say things like " i didnt do it on purpose" i really didnt do it on purpose but i also do not know why i did what i did or said what i said all too often. how else can you explain it? but you cannot explain either why you did what you did or said what you said most of the time. its like sometimes you just cannot win no matter how hard you try and what you do.....just my thoughts/2 cents on it.
lies and excuses
Submitted by kaycee_michelle on
Yeah, I get all those too, but I think I have come to prefer these which seem more honest above lies and excuses. That hurts more, like I can physically watch him do something then I will ask him about it and he will lie to my face. Do you really think I am that stupid? Seriously!?!? Just man up and tell me the truth! I am trying to get less upset with the excuses and look at them as "explanations" but gawd it can be so hard! I've also gotten to the point in an argument or disagreement to stop when we are in the middle of it and ask him, what are we trying to accomplish here? How can we reach a resolution? What needs to be done to fix ____ matter at hand? It refocuses him and helps him stay on task and keep me from feeling as if I am going mad *sigh* notice of course the questions don't place blame/point at one party. They are a point of compromise for both of us HOWEVER I DO make him think of the solutions and I go along with it and play out the scenario with him. Since ADD/ADHD don't see future consequences very well...if at all, it takes a couple of tries most of the time but at least we are no longer at each others throats and working together as a married couple towards a mutual goal!
The reason I don't like those responses is:
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
1) They think it gives them a "hall pass".
2) They would never accept those excuses from us.
"That wasn't my intention"
Submitted by Vivien on
As if it's ok to never get the oil changed in your car as long as you didn't intend on the car blowing up. Recently we had a discussion where I told him never to ever utter that phrase. We will now only deal with results of actions, not intentions. I told him his intentions don't mean anything when his actions result in damage to our relationship.
lol....I hear you..
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
H's favorite thing to say when he's caused a big problem is: "I didn't know that would happen.". and sometimes he adds in...."You didn't tell me that would happen." ugh. As if I'm supposed to be omnipresent and omnipotent so that I can swoop in and warn him about everything. And If I did, he'd be annoyed at that, too.
H is very rough with stuff (even tho I'm frequently telling him to be gentle and not "force" things), and he frequently breaks things. Then I hear, "I didn't know it was that fragile." or "I didn't know ........" "nobody told me......" ugh.
ugh.
Mine breaks stuff too!
Submitted by Vivien on
I will watch him try to open a clamshell package and know he will cut himself or break the toy or whatever inside as he is opening it! Why?? I don't understand why he is such a bull in a china shop. He is constantly denting walls, scratching furniture, breaking stuff. Is that part of ADHD? It's like he has no ability to calibrate his movements and strength.
It's the impulsive nature.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Being impulsive, not being careful, etc.
My H can't even open a pack of gum without destroying it. And how he opens mail??? Ugh.
"he will cut himself or break
Submitted by dedelight4 on
"he will cut himself or break the toy or whatever inside as he is opening it! Why?? I don't understand why he is such a bull in a china shop. He is constantly denting walls, scratching furniture, breaking stuff. Is that part of ADHD? It's like he has no ability to calibrate his movements and strength."
LOL.....my ADHD husband has been this way all his life.( He's now 58 ) I can't tell you HOW many things he's broken due to forcing something or putting something together wrong, or upside down, or backwards, or tried to fix something totally ass backwards. lol......He also has no ability to calibrate his movements or strength. He's learned to be a bit more careful when handling our granddaughter, but had to LEARN that, because he was too rough for a long time.
I really used to cringe when a package would come, or we would purchase something that said on the box..."Some Assembly Required". It was NEVER, ever put together the correct way, and usually broken or damaged in some way. But, if our daughters or I would do that, he would get SO angry about anything getting broken. It's been difficult that he's allowed himself so much leeway, and us so little. But, in answer to your question...."Is that part of ADHD?".......I think it IS part of ADHD, of course not ALL folks, but it holds true for most I think. They just seem to be very rough on things due to impatience, not paying attention to the project at hand, and not having a clear awareness of consequences of their actions.
OMG...I had no idea the bull
Submitted by Vivien on
OMG...I had no idea the bull in a china shop was part of ADHD!! It makes perfect sense. Impulse control! I am sitting here just stunned. My husband is constantly banging, denting and breaking stuff. He also doesn't know when to stop playing with kids and dogs. My sister asked me to ask him to cool it with roughousing with her dogs...he gets them going and next thing you know, something is broken, or the dogs are so wound up they have to be put outside. Same with kids. He will be roughbousing and either someone gets hurt, or it becomes too much and the kids run away from him. He can't read people's reactions!
Yep Vivien you've got it...LOL
Submitted by c ur self on
All the chronic injuries gleaned from structural damage due to spontaneous (poor) decision making. Mixed w/ the stumbling, bubbling hoarding lifestyle...Mix that w/ low self esteem, and the desire to control, mix that w/ profound need for numerous strokes of affirmation daily, mix that with screaming and drama every time she bumps into to something which is pretty regular and there you have it:)...It's enough to make a body want to go for a peaceful walk or bike ride....Thanks I believe I will before she gets up and the cycle starts...
I said all this w/ a smile because its just who she is...I love her, but since I don't try to fix it or change it anymore it is so peaceful....Inside me at least:) Ha Ha....
Like Getting Angry at Your Cat.....C Ur Self
Submitted by kellyj on
for scratching the furniture and being cat? (inside joke....I know you get this one:) lol
J
This one hit a nerve.
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
This one hit a nerve. "Profound need for numerous strokes of affirmation daily". The daily part is exhausting and draining. I have been married 25 yrs and have been the clown, cheerleader and "Bounty- the quicker picker upper" for my mopey, negative, sulking, "I suck", clumsy and temperamental husband. I love him dearly and I am still here despite a brief one month separation last month when I reached my breaking point and almost my sanity. It is a cycle and I say that the "game" begins fresh everyday. We can never pick up where we left off. This is hard for a girl who is smiling and positive all the time. Everything you said, the whole concoction, is exactly my husband. All I ache for is peace and a day when I don't have to initiate the smiles, laughs, positivity. Seems like too much to ask. I keep smiling though because I won't lose who I am to this. He has so much to be grateful for, great family and friends and a wife that won't give up trying her best to be understanding and compassionate. These days I wonder if he can ever be compassionate to me and put himself in my shoes- why is it always us having to do all the work and get no reciprocation? My husband went to ONE therapy session while we were separate which was huge after 25 yrs of begging him to go, since I was 17. So I came back and he stopped claiming not to like the therapist and said he is "looking" for another one. He puts on the drama and sulky face for our friends but is fine when he has to impress his clients. All I can do is improve on myself until he gets the help he needs. Yes, I need to go for walks, go to the gym, sing my heart out at Karaoke, get massages and pedis for me, to keep me happy because tomorrow, it all starts again. I think it's time for me not to try fix it anymore...I can only help myself now. That will be my peace. Thank you c ur self.
Hi notgonnalosemyself....
Submitted by c ur self on
That's the key for me...Have a life, do my gym stuff, biking, loving on my grown children and precious Grand Children:) etc.......You kind of just described my day's and probably many people's days on this site.....
I've let my wife's life style overwhelm my thinking in the past...Still do dadgummit...:)...It's not healthy! All it becomes is mothering or worse...And when I quit trying intervene and think for her, and remind her and all the other things....She does better and I definitely do... To be perfectly honest if I didn't mention sex or sex related things it would almost never happen.
So it's hard to just live at peace, and not engage at all....Because it can get pretty lonely:)....That's not how marriage works is it ?......Just kidding....Priority List's.....It all comes down to what is important to person....My wife like myself, will pursue what is high on our priority list....Add or not....
Just remember if it helps you are definitely not alone....
It does help to know I am not alone...
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
You just made me cry at my desk at work. Ahhhh....it feels good to know I am not crazy and making this up. It does get pretty lonely. I have spent most of my marriage sleeping alone and getting what feels like leftovers. But he is a night owl, loves tv and any "blue light" that keeps him awake and going until 2AM. I have nagged him enough to come to bed so we can have quality time and intimate time but it feels forced so now I save the energy and hope one day he just comes because he wants to. I won't lie, this goes against my grain. I am a romantic and mushy person and he is not. I thought he was but that was while we dated. I end up suffering because I wanted so much more for myself and my marriage than being a caregiver and wondering what mood he will be in when I get home. Will he be happy or moody? Will my happy day at work end up gloomy because he is not in a good mood? I have to remember who I am and that I can control my feelings. A Debbie Downer in my own house is rough. Intimacy? Well, that is not what I imagined either. I have stopped wearing anything beautiful to bed, first because he is not there and second because it doesn't get me more than 5 minutes. I prefer the sweet things that I don't get anyway like thoughtfulness, concern, a text to make me feel special, a gift more than on our anniversary. But I go out of my way to do those things daily so that he can feel special even if I don't. Sometimes I fight myself because I want to rebel and make him pay and I want to make him feel as lonely as I do but then I try remember, he already does. It not me making him feel this though, he was like this before me. He however, is making me feel this way. I was just fine before. I try to look at his good traits, there are many. But those traits aren't enough at times to make me love being married to him and I do love the idea of being married. I know I will never have the things that I want or desire or even need and perhaps its unfair to ask these things of someone that is not capable of even loving themselves. Lots of pain in my heart and at times I feel like I missed out on a great opportunity to be with someone that could love me as I want to be loved. But then I wonder: who wold be married to him right now and would they be terrible to him? I feel very bad for him and anyone dealing with ADHD- his mother and brothers are bipolar. I also sympathize with people in a relationship like this and were blind-sided. I truly love this forum, this website. I am reading all of Orlov's books currently and these posts make me feel, not like things will get better, but that I will be ok.
Your living my life....
Submitted by c ur self on
Everything you said here about your feelings truly is exactly the way it is for me also.....Let me just make two points to try and give you some peace and comfort....Why would we be so subjected to the exact same behavior...Night owls, coldness, forgetfulness if they could do anything with in themselves to be any different?
And two...What you said about how somebody else would treat him....(NOW you've got me crying) some men do that you know:)....It would kill me if she was ever taken advantage of.....It would be like abandoning my child....She never married until she met and married me....But, she was abused by men....She's my Angel, and by God's help I plan to Love her....Lonely or not....
I will pray for you....Her's a big hug...()....
Thank you. I pray for us all.
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
Thank you. I pray for us all. Stay strong. Love yourself and smile through it all. That's my fave song "Smile" by Charlie Chaplin.
some assembly required
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
I'm actually really good at assembling things; my husband usually defers to me. I view the fact I must follow directions as a challenge. Years ago, I bought my husband a rather large grill, and I assembled it myself. From that moment on, I had more confidence in my ability to perform tasks like that. I do read the directions on a NEW project over several times before I proceed with each step. Know thyself, I guess!
But yes, as a child, especially, I broke A LOT of things. My son does as well. My husband is trying to teach him the difference between an accident and a mistake-but it's challenging to remember not to be impulsive in the heat of the moment-especially as a child with ADHD. He'll get there, eventually. Glad to know I have made a change that not all ADHD adults can do. It gives me hope of what can be learned, even when impulsive.
medicated bull in a china shop
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
I think that might be part of the ADHD thing, for sure. My ADHD students who are more severe do drop things a lot more often. I used to as well. I have made some stupid and time-sucking mistakes during home maintenance and minor improvement projects, which has resulted in me obsessively checking things so I DON'T make the same mistakes. In fact, last week, I was putting up some curtain tie backs on the wall, and I told myself, "You've done this before, STOP going so slowly so you don't make a mistake. You know what you are doing, so just get it done. It will never be perfect anyways. Just get it done."
And I did. Goldilocks finally found the middle ground :).
By the way, I used to catch frogs as a kid, I killed a few from squeezing them too hard-completely by accident. My parents laughed at me (as a parent, I TOTALLY get this now), and I would cry. It's funny to me now :). Poor frogs.
Guilty as charged.
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Guilty of pretty much everything you said. I wish I never heard them again, either. I wish I never committed the offenses leading up to my words.
It is tough being reprimanded for something you truly didn't mean to do. I don't know what to do differently. It sucks to have to continually take responsibility for a neurological condition. If you all have any advice on that, I would appreciate it. I know my husband hates it as much as all of you. He tells me he doesn't care if I meant to do it or not; it's the point that I did it (or didn't) that matters. If you all had ADHD (and try to imagine you lack the same skill sets as your spouses) what would you think appropriate to do differently?
I hate when I forget or disappoint my husband. It's disheartening. It happens a number of times in a week. I try not to get down about it, but some weeks are easier than others.
Great Post Momof2
Submitted by c ur self on
One that show's your heart, and one that has a question we all need to think about...I think my wife could have written it.:)...I don't care that you didn't mean to because the fact is the ramifications are the same regardless if there was any intent or not...Sadly I've thought this way also when I just can't understand, Why?...I really want to show Grace, I do not want to be a butt hole to my wife...she didn't ask for this stuff...So hear is a few answers to your question....
1) Stay single....If a person feels that there lifestyle is going to be so intrusive...( or just so different)...I think the best answer is to not marry...Side note: I probably would not stay single, because I love being married...
2) Educate my spouse while all is calm...Let her/him know what is going on in my head, and how it effects me....Give them permission to give me signals (loving of course) if I need them...This takes complete trust that your spouse truly loves you and wants the very best for you...Side note: Sadly i think because of the initial hell we put each other through it is hard for many couples where add and non's are married to get to this stage of complete trust in each others love...
3) I personally think it's a good idea to set down and set up boundaries, the earlier the better...I think things that FIT the marriage needs instituted so that no one feels overwhelmed....A few things come to my mind is finances in many cases should not be shared...each should be accountable, take memory and blame out of the picture...I also thing in many cases each need their own get away room (not to be abused, but respected)...I want my clean...Here's well it would probably be different:)...Love and faithfulness does not have to be effected, to live smarter...As a matter of fact when we humble ourselves and open up we can solve some things w/o arguments and competition and all the other night mare crap that we look up and say how in the blank did we get to this point...
Some times it's easy to forget how different we are, so we just put on our rose colored glasses and wade on in....Lamb to the slaughter....I just want me and my wife to be open, puke up our realities, whether we ever understand completely or not.....Of course Grace and Patients are always a +.....
So hard to remain humble when feeling defensive
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
As a matter of fact when we humble ourselves and open up we can solve some things w/o arguments and competition and all the other night mare crap that we look up and say how in the blank did we get to this point...
I like this, c ur self. It is so hard for me to humble myself whenever I feel attacked by my spouse. So funny, I'm the opposite with all other people.
I just started a journal where I shall chronicle all of our disagreements to see if I can see a pattern. I'm already starting to get somewhere. I just need to remember to use it regularly. Perhaps it will help me prevent future mistakes. Perhaps that will make him less likely to get upset. Perhaps I will be less defensive. I am hoping to circumvent my short-term memory so that I can LEARN, really learn from my mistakes. My memory just isn't cutting it, especially if he tells me we just had this conversation. I may be onto something here...
ADHDMomof2
Your Just Like my wife...and rightly so.
Submitted by c ur self on
My wife like you is the opposite w/ her co-workers and most all other people also....She will come home with her feelings hurt, before she would stand up for herself. But the reason you and her are defensive with us is because the person you deep down want to please the most, keeps finding different ways to fix you, but what your hearing is your life style just don't cut it, you do not measure up!
I would say that can produce a little baggage and resistance to trust and openness...Any time we don't recognize the feelings of other's regardless of our intent things will never be "good"...It will always be an up hill battle to have complete trust and peace between us...
My efforts to bring light to my wife about her "Ways" was done with the best of intentions,,,But, because life isn't Black and White and All X's and O's...Because things like Add/Adhd does exist, there is no way my speaking at her about what I might term as: Common Sense Rationalization could possibly benefit us...
Efforts to change, control or HELP, will always just produce more baggage in a heart...Who just want's to be Loved and Accepted.....
I think that it has to start when they are YOUNG....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I think training when ADHD people are young can make a world of difference. It won't "cure" it, but it will mitigate a lot.
My H will admit that he was never told to "be careful" or "go slowly" or "don't force things, ". His parents both had ADHD so they weren't tuned into teaching, correcting, guiding. They wanted to spend every free moment doing what THEY wanted.
I don't remember hearing my wife use these terms...LOL
Submitted by c ur self on
"be careful" or "go slowly" or "don't force things, ".....When she can talk me into going to White Water, Six Flags or things of that nature....The first thing she wants to do is look for the most dangerous things there and ride it..LOL....
I find myself using these terms a lot...Esp...when she heads off to work or somewhere...She measure's the amount of time she can drive to work, park, and run to the time clock in seconds...It pisses her off I think if she get's there with over a minute to spare...
She's my Angel...and I don't have to understand:)
C UR SELF, had to smile with this one
Submitted by dedelight4 on
My ADHD husband does the same thing when we go to an amusement park. He has to find the scariest and most wild ride at the place and go on it. (but yet he is scared to DEATH of heights) don't understand this one. He TOO will race somewhere with only a minute to spare, or (more than not) be LATE to whatever event we are supposed to be at. He used to be VERY EARLY when we were first together and first married, but then it changed to being LATE all the time. (which he speeds and races to)
He didn't hear the words either "go slowly, or don't FORCE it'.....until he met me. I was patient with him and tried to get him to slow down so that he wouldn't force something and break it. But, most things got broken because he wasn't patient enough to slow down. He's gotten MUCH BETTER about that lately, and I'm SO THANKFUL about that. I just feel bad because as much as I want to now BE WITH HIM physically and enjoy our lives together since he's doing SO WELL NOW, I can't physically do it. I don't know WHY things have turned out this way, but it is what it is, and can only pray the Lord strengthens me and delivers me from this disability.
Thank you for your posts and always your encouraging words.
Funny. I recently joked with
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Funny. I recently joked with my family that the next time we go to an amusement park, I am taking a family who actually wants to go on the scary rides.
I have learned that since I hate waiting so damn much, I have to bring something to read or do if I arrive early. I do arrive early, especially for work (an improvement), but...sometimes I get distracted, especially if it is a new or aberrant routine.
Have been working on that with my DS
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Long before he was diagnosed and medicated, he would run around the house in the morning like a tiny tornado and wake my husband up. I had to draw sandwich board-style pictures him running with a big X through it and put it on a chair in the kitchen. The chair was in the middle of his running path. He would always slam the toilet lid down and run out without washing his hands, so there was a sign in there, too! I knew nagging wasn't doing the trick, but my pictures got his attention!
:)
Submitted by c ur self on
He sounds like a cutie pie!...My wife raised two boys by herself...When she tells me stories about falling a sleep breast feeding and all the other things...I know my eye's get huge...I'm like and people believe there is no God....
I was just thinking about what would be the most useless statement I could ever make to my wife...I think this it...."Hey could you get a handle on that? ".....Now that's funny, I don't care what you say...LOL...
I think I spend to much time alone...I've got to start fishing or something..:)
SPD Sensory Processing Disorder
Submitted by kellyj on
Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD, formerly known as "sensory integration dysfunction") is a condition that exists when sensory signals don't get organized into appropriate responses. Does this sound familiar? I recently ran across this while browsing on the internet. It is a childhood disorder from my brief overview, and it said that ADHD many times gets misdiagnosed when it is really SPD. What little I read sounded astounding similar to ADHD only having more to do with motor functions instead of impulse or hyperactivity control....still, a processing and integration disorder none the less? Children apparently are clumsy, break things, run into things etc.....
I find this fascinating since I was not clumsy at all and still am not. In fact, assembly things...taking them apart and putting them together have always been on my strongest suits ever since I was a child (high mechanical aptitude both physically and cognitively?) I rarely read instructions and could usually figure things out like this in a matter of minutes without any help. I remember distinctly my father, who was not mechanically adept at all, trying to teach me how to build my first car plastic model (one of my favorite childhood pass times ) getting stuck at one point and just leaving me hanging, never coming back to help me again. ( he was rather Narcissist and being shown at fault or in error was the worst thing you could possibly to with him. Unfortunately, he did this to himself many times thinking he was better or could do more than he really could do....a bit grandiose in thinking. Father and son projects were always a disaster especially as I got a little older and started making suggestions to him on better ways to cut a board rather than me holding one end of the board while he tried hacking away at it with a saw and getting angry at me for not holding it better.. "like...how about using a saw horse Dad like Mr XXX down the street?" Wham!! Either the flame thrower or the back of his hand in those moments!! This one was actually one in a real life example:(
Anyway....I figured out how to finish the model car on my own ( first one with no help after that) I also took my first engine apart on my first car when it broke down and I couldn't afford a complete new engine at the time..(more than the cost of the car)....and put it back together and drove it for 4 years after that and sold it still working fine. No manual and a simple socket set and crescent wrench. I had worked on cars before with other people and watched it done. That was it though. This is not a brag so much as making a distinction here (even though I was a little proud and boastful of myself back then since my parents said I would never be able to do it...one of those F&%K You moments and a bit passive aggressive I will admit however, converted into a productive channel. I guess you'd call that a success? more stubbornness! :)
Anyway...the point being. I never realized that breaking things and being clumsy was and ADHD thing either? Based on myself....I thought just the opposite since this is one my strongest areas and still is ie: working in the physical, tactile and visual sense? What accounts for the difference here between me ADHD, and the bull in the China Shop descriptions that are being made in this thread? I always used this analogy for other areas of my personality but not as it's being described here? Anyone know?
I am famous for stepping on things and breaking them but that's usually from me leaving them there in the first place:) Wondering if this is just carelessness or not being mindful rather than diminished motor skills?
Wondering also (speculating) since SPD and ADHD have an overlap in symptoms .... might they be possibly neurologically related? Seems like a reasonable hypothesis? I know nothing more than what I recently read in just one article, I'd be curious to know from the descriptions made in this thread.....they do sound remarkably similar?
J
SPD Sensory Processing Disorder ..Occams Razor
Submitted by kellyj on
Just as one other possible speculations to make here.......I know a lot of clumsy adults who are not very mechanically adept and break things if they try doing things who don't have ADHD. Add impulsiveness to one of these people and you get a person who tries things anyway but just not very talented in these areas compared to another person who may try once or twice and resign themselves that they are just not cut out to try anymore after that? That is another possibility here?
J
I was going to buy you that.
Submitted by Hysterical37 (not verified) on
One Theory Here? Hysterical37
Submitted by kellyj on
I've read a lot of posts saying that their partners say things out loud but never do them. I do this (or at least have in the past)...and, usually wondered myself why I didn't do it? Not that I was just blowing smoke up anyones ( ), but I really meant it. But I would always do it at some point in time and say...you see, I did do what I said ( see Mommy...look what I've done. Sound familiar? ) But it's not that....it just looks like that. The problem is in the interim time.....that moment for the other person is done and gone. The impact it had was zilch and only looked like another excuse (and lying) I really believe at this point, if I stand back and look at myself now.....I see this as just another delay in process (ADHD)........
speaking intent in one moment (out loud processing).............................................................thinking about it...................................................thinking some more about it.....................................................planning to do it......................forgetting to do it............................remembering to do it again.............................getting ready to do it............................finding the right time to do ..................forgetting to do it again...........................remembering to do it again a 2nd time...............finding another time to do it.............forgetting to do it again...........then seeing the thing you forgot about at the store when you are there for something else and buying it, and then coming home and saying, here I bought you something. Oops, that one didn't work out very well? See what I mean?
Or it could be just the impulse to use as an excuse because your already in hot water too? (BS)
I'm betting on door number one because this is exactly what happens to me in this case. I always follow through but.......time is you enemy.
I'm learning to keep my mouth shut and never say you are going to do anything until it's done. Better to hear any complaints in the mean time than what I just went through.....for obvious reasons:)
The only way you can know which one is to just bide your time and see what happens....that'll give you your answer? If you come unglued in the interim time.....he will never have the chance to prove to you in either case. If you start demanding it from him, his good intention and motivation will gone. Or.....you could try an intervene this process with him nicely (calmly without judgment and without leading him or beating around the bush) and ask him if this is what he thinks too? I'm really good at putting 2 + 2 together when people start asking leading questions and being evasive. That will only piss me off when people start doing that. He may realize it if you give him the answer first. Light bulb time!! In the big picture. If you stay focused on the gift itself.....he's not going to make this connection. Better to see this in the long run for all the next times and let the one time go Keep in mind.....in my case at least. I always work backwards from the solution to the problem. Give me the solution (the answer).....and I'll figure out the problem on my own. If you keep starting from the problem and expecting him to get to the solution that way......your working in reverse as far as he is concerned. Deductive reasoning. ( like a puzzle or a riddle )
Is this a pain in the ass for you? Yes.
PS....you could always look at it like he's buying stock in futures in you.....especially if he's feeling insecure about you right now? if this is what he's doing? Another way to look at it in the short term until he figures this out? Better late than never? Not that this does you any good but at least, it won't mean that he's just completely full of shit (just ADHD).
J
commitment
Submitted by Hysterical37 (not verified) on
Feedback Hyterical37
Submitted by kellyj on
Yes....looking out for yourself and not counting on him in one respect is what you need to do for yourself. But on his end ( as I have been too ....trying very hard not to be right now ) all he is going to see from that as you moving away from him. From his perspective, when he does that says you're giving up or rejecting him. I've got to say for myself here. This is how I gage other people.....it means there moving on or planning too and it's only a matter of time until they do. That's comes from this experience happening many times from other people and he's probably pretty aware of that much. This likely won't make him defensive.....it's likely going to send him into depression. Thinking this is not the desired effect you want.
I would do what your saying for yourself....but not leave it at that ( what everyone does ). This is where I really believe in what Melissa has repeatedly said about Lobbying for change. Keep your self whole and don't follow him down every rabbit hole he goes into....but keep selling him on being with you but just differently. That way he will still feel like there is hope and won't say Fuck It. That's my own self talk speaking because that's the attitude I get when this happens. Try and avoid Fuck It at all costs. It's not what you want. With me, Fuck It means I don't give a shit any more because why waste my time? I already know the out come so any effort I put in will be in vain. That doesn't mean I don't care. I'm just protecting my feelings the same as you are from being hurt. It's just projection of the future and responding accordingly.
Feedback will tell him where he stands with you so you need to give the Feedback that says your still with him however you choose to do it. He may go up and down but you need to stay level. If that makes sense.
That's the tentative commitment your seeing.....he still accessing whether he's in or out by the Feedback your giving him. Like I said, if all he see's in you as moving away by only focusing on yourself entirely.....that will mean to him he's out. If this is not what you want....then the active Lobbying is a better choice. Remember, he's probably avoidant so that's how he's going to read you too by what you do. Think like him....that's your clue.
J
I've Got the Perfect Analogy Hysterical37
Submitted by kellyj on
Of course with me ...it comes with a story.....as usual;)
So......when I was 17....I got certified to scuba dive with a buddy of mine. Between the two of us...we only had one thing on our minds. Fish!! We wanted fish BAAAD! We had fish fever and we were rabid! As soon as we could. We got spear guns and started hunting. Being that we only knew how to fish from above....we figured, just go down there and hunt em down and shoot em. We were hunters of the sea....rapers of the deep! Pillage and Plunder' and get those fish!
After about 6 or 7 completely unsuccessful attempts of seeing nothing but sand and kelp but no fish, we decide to take a private spear fishing class from our ex-navy seal instructor....thinking he'd really now where all the fish were? Both of us were approaching hunting fish like you would hunting anything else......sneak up on'em and shoot'em right? Wrong. What we neglected to think about was that fish live by one simple rule....anything bigger than you is a preditor and therefore you are food to them..... flight is the only option in that case. So...if you think about two large swimming objects approaching you and you can hear them, feel them (by sensing) and see them coming long before they ever get to you....you swim in the other direction as fast as you can. Which is why we never saw any fish to shoot....like "0". We were thinking we were just in the wrong place and there were no fish in that location. We kept moving around from place to place and still never saw any fish???
So...our instructor showed us the way to hunt fish is to get a nice comfortable place near some rocks.....relaxe an breath slowly ( so you don't make as much noise) and just sit and wait. Low and behold....Fish every where!! There were more fish than we knew what to do with and they would just swim right up to you to see what you are? Not very bright in that respect....but, at the end of the day....all we had to do is just sit and be patient and they would just come right to you instead of the other way around. It was too easy.....like shooting fish in a barrel and you didn't have to do anything but just sit still and wait.
This is what you need to be..... a spear fisher-woman. Just sit still and be patient and wait and let the fish(him) come to you. If you are like we were all rabid and fish crazy.....wanting them soooo Bad that you can't stand it....the fish will swim away before you even see them.
Anyway....it's a good story at least but I think there is some truth in there for you too.
J
Thanks
Submitted by Hysterical37 (not verified) on
Hysterical I see your point
Submitted by Geese on
Tired
Submitted by Hysterical37 (not verified) on
really replying to the entire thread
Submitted by dvance on
It has been so interesting to read all the replies to my initial post! The saying you are going to do whatever and never ACTUALLY doing it is really hard for me. It reminds me of raising little kids. Everyone knows you do NOT tell a little kid something you MIGHT do because all they hear is YES this is going to happen and then they are devastated when it doesn't happen. Clearly I am not a little kid, but it gets really old hearing all these plans, both small and mundane and huge and grandiose, knowing that it is unlikely ANY of them will ever happen. The beer keg we paid money for that DH was going to make into a cool lamp to sell at an art fair?? Never got made, in fact got thrown out. The art fair he was all gung ho about getting a booth at? Never happened. It's hard to hear all the plans knowing they are never going to happen and then be told "you don't believe in me" or "you don't think I'm capable of anything". What am I supposed to think when all the evidence is very little of what you say actually comes to fruition? Just last night this happened: our front door lock has been hard to close-one of the parts is loose--I don't know if it's the flat thing attached to the door jamb or something in the door itself, but DH said a week ago he would fix it. He left for out of town this morning and when I walked in the door at 10pm last night after a full day of teaching and three meetings, it was not done. I asked him to leave me the screwdriver so I could do it and only then did he get off the couch and do it himself. At 10:15 last night. So at least it's done.
Hey Dvance A Quick Question
Submitted by kellyj on
More just curiosity to something you asked me a long time ago.......like a year ago or more? You were frustrated about how we are like kids (raising them).....and I responded with something like..." I am a big kid but not in my thinking. Something like that." Anyway....I just read what you said and remembered you are a principle( or teacher?) Something occurred to me as I thought of this remembering....when I buy a new car how suddenly....I notice that same car everywhere? Like......"I don't remember so many cars like mine out there before?"
In my thinking....especially you in this case but for any mother out there. Do you think you associate your H's behavior more to children for the same reason since....this is where your focus is already. (and you are surrounded by them and have to deal with them all day etc.....) I totally understand why you asked and I would agree on all levels ( back then and now). I was just wondering this because I'm still curious why women with ADHD husbands (it seems) have more issue with us than men who are with ADHD wives ( taking exception to C Ur Self here on this forum). Why is that? Or is it because they are less likely to come here for example and want to discuss it with others and just try and "fix" it themselves? Just curious...that's all really?
J
Not for me
Submitted by lauren07 on
I had never been around kids and had my first kid with my adhd ex, and I totally related his behavior to having another child.
Just like with the door lock story, my ex wouldn't do anything until I got up to do it myself. And sometimes not even then.
I am so glad to now be with a dependable, grown man who is a real father figure to my son.
Hello J!!!
Submitted by dvance on
I am indeed a teacher-have been for 14 years-and in March was appointed the Assistant Principal of my school. You raise many interesting points. Both of my boys (ages 16 and 13) have ADHD and the 13 YO is also an Asperger's person--I do a LOT of managing of other people!!!! You may be right that I see my DH as a kid because all I do is manage kids! That's something for me to think about. What I do find interesting is that many of the techniques I use with 6th graders (difficult or otherwise) apply to my DH. With a room full of 12 year olds, clear, simple, concise directions work--lengthy convoluted explanations do not. So too with my ADHD DH. One thing at a time--works for kids and him. Giving clear deadlines: this assignment is due on Thursday in class. For DH--the (whatever) needs to be fixed by Friday or I will pay someone else to do it. My counselor even calls my attention to the ways I am successful at managing my students (I am a really good teacher) and how I can use those same methods at home with DH. It totally works, but it feels so patronizing to me. I do it anyway, because it works, but most adults I know would find it mildly insulting to be spoken to or managed the way I manage DH but he does not seem to notice. It's really important to me in my personal life and in my professional teaching life that people believe that I will do what I say. That is not important to DH. He may or may not call someone back that has called him and asked for a return call, he may or may not run the errand he said he was going to run, he may or may not answer his cell when I call, he may or may not open mail that he gets (ever, not just right away-literally ever). For example, if a parent contacts me with an issue, I am not only required by my principal to get back to them in a timely manner and do what I can to address their concerns, but for myself-I want them to see me as a competent professional who is doing a good job with their child. For DH, those things are not on his radar. If someone repeatedly says they are going to do (whatever) in many different contexts--at work, at home, for a hobby--and then rarely does, likely you will stop expecting them to do anything. That to me is very childish, immature behavior. Not child LIKE--child-ISH--two different things in my mind. If a person says they are going to do (whatever) and then does it wrong or halfway, likely you will quit asking them to do similar tasks. Last year DH did my son's taxes--first time the 15 year old HAD taxes!!!--and he did them wrong. Now, how you do the taxes of a 15 year old with one minimum-wage-paying job incorrectly is a mystery to me, but the IRS sent them back. So I paid our accountant to redo them correctly and it's taken care of. He has no idea that even happened. This year, I took all the taxes to the accountant in the first place and the taxes were done and the refund in our bank before DH even knew I had done it. On so many occasions and with so many situations I end up untangling what he did or redoing or finishing something he started, it's just easier to do it myself right from the get go. That feels like a child to me, not like an equal adult partner. When on many occasions DH gets up and leaves in the middle of a conversation that is not going his way, that seems childish to me. When he makes faces or uses a "sassy" baby voice to imitate me that seems childish to me. When he says "fine, you did (whatever), I will too and see how you like it", that seems childish to me. When he does something odd and tells me he is an adult, he can do whatever he wants, that seems childish to me--more like a kid having a tantrum than an adult. Maybe that's why I at least see DH as a child. As far as mostly women being on here, I suspect it's because women are by and large more "share-ful" about personal type stuff and likely to seek out help from a larger community than men are. I know--big generalization, but pretty much true!!! I do think it's harder for men to admit weakness of any kind. My DH is 6 feet tall and a good 250 pounds. Former Military Police in the Air Force. He would sooner take a bullet than admit weakness--you would NEVER find him on a site like this. He hates taking medicine, won't admit if he's in pain--tough guy all around. Lots of men see themselves that way, particularly in any area that resembles mental illness I suspect. I would not go so far as to call ADHD a mental illness, but I do think it's doubly hard for men to reach out and ask for help about anything mental at all.
just my two cents--
dvance
Infantile
Submitted by Hysterical37 (not verified) on
advance you hit nail on head
Submitted by Geese on
Thanks Dvance...This is Helpful
Submitted by kellyj on
Yeah...that infantile stuff doesn't really fly with me either... When he makes faces or uses a "sassy" baby voice to imitate me that seems childish to me. I really despise mocking. It IS childish! I like your analogy. There's a difference between behaviors that are irresponsible, and are just plain acting out.... like a child. I did see what you are seeing with my own father at times....interesting that he was extremely responsible but, if he was called on to admit he couldn't do something he would really behave badly.....very temper tantrum like. Volatile and quick tempered. I will have to admit....that when I have lost control of my temper....it could be seen very much like this but......not for that reason. Which is why I came here in the first place.....it's shameful and I'll admit it. Few and far between or not....it's not how I am at any other time including the rest of my behavior in that way. It doesn't fly for myself either....I think that might be the difference. I also see a difference between a short fuse or hot head? My fuse is really long and it takes a lot to get me there. I can take a lot of hits before I start to sink.
I really think after reading so many different scenarios here....that I could divide ADHDer's into two categories now. One's who are trying, struggling and failing.....the others who have just stopped trying and afraid to look bad (appear weak or not in control) or just decided it's just too difficult and not wanting or willing to change bad enough. You might say the ones who are trying ( like me) are trying to be responsible for their ADHD parts....because they are already responsible in every other way....trying to match their words to their actions. At least in my case....I put myself into that category.
I know how difficult it is to make these kinds of changes, but as I see it.....it's just a challenge. I like challenges, it keeps life interesting. I know that doesn't do much for my wife right now...which is why I'm going to speed things up for her. Getting more help for the both of us together. I told her if I was just doing this for myself....I could keep going as I am and take longer and it would be Okay with me. I see the progress in myself and that is encouraging.
I can also see what you are saying about not wanting to appear weak. My personal opinion to that......is that is weak! It's actually a lot harder (and expends more energy ) pretending that your not when you really are or at least....think you are. You'll never know that if you don't ever put yourself into that position. I will admit that I had to have a fire lit under my butt to get me started but after that.....it was far worse before not doing anything than admitting your flaws and then moving forward. I also think that this is where a lot of the acting out behavior comes from in from where I sit too. I think there is a fear that things are going to worse than they really are sometimes.
The grown up version of..." I want, I want.....(then) pleeeeeeeze (while melting to the floor like a sack of flour)....then, "I Neeeeeeeeed" ( while hanging on your arm ).....then crying and having a tantrum is pretty bad when you actually see this for what it is in an adult. It really is the same thing when you stand back and look at it. I've seen this and it really is ridiculous once you realize that's what it is. I can say proudly....if I did this one, I was too young to remember! lol The ADHD losing control of your emotions is a bit different than that...or at least I can say it is for me:)
At this point.....I'm all for change where before I was resistant. Staying the same now seems like slow death to me (I'm not implying changes in spouse here either) Just change to keep things interesting. If variety is the spice of life....I want my with extra hot sauce! lol
J
Excellent Post dvance
Submitted by c ur self on
It's tricky...to deal w/ the things some times we seem to have no choice and still nurture a healthy relationship...I worked down the hall from DW, I was in a different department...I was a manager before I retired and once she applied for an open management position and didn't get it...I had to listen to all the reason's she felt she didn't get the job...Of course I couldn't say anything to deflate her even more...But, I knew:(...She is smart and a good worker, but those little things like timeliness and always wanting the breaks...Leaving early etc...Anyone who's ever dealt w/employee's knows what I'm saying....I'm almost as much of an extravert as she is...Can you tell ? LOL...So I really have to watch myself....
raising kids issue
Submitted by Geese on
Expectations, Priorities, Attitudes and Opinions... Geese
Submitted by kellyj on
Hi Geese,
First....no need for apologies to me for long winded posts Geese. I think I've got you beat in that department......you know us artist types, an insatiable need to create and self expression....it goes with the territory! lol That .....and if we could come up with one answer to the one we are asking....I think we could market it and become filthy rich if that were possible?:) Like you....my personal experiences themselves have raised these questions....and from a strictly observational stand point......I've watched myself changed over the years with them along with the people I have been with. It's too easy to lose site of the forest sometimes when you are too deep within it and I now for myself.....this is always the case. And like you....I suffer from being swayed or steered off course sometimes from what I want for myself by the attitudes or opinions of the people I am with instead of listening to myself for direction. Who's the captain of your ship....you, or other people? As they say....opinions are like assholes.....every ones got one, and they all pretty much stink.....myself included of course!
Part of the problem having ADHD for us is that we have a saboteur on board our ships and that can make our course meander at bit compared to other people.....this isn't so much a problem for us until we take passengers on board. I'm talking about dependents. I think in the case of having children....outside opinions and expectations start taking on a whole new meaning especially for the other people on board our ship!
Leaving this metaphor for a second.....I think there really is one biological component to having ADHD that you need to keep in mind here Geese.....our need to have external cues to navigate which means in one sense.....we have a tendency to need or rely (to become dependent ) on other people to navigate more so our tendency is to internalize what others think and feel about us more than most. I think part of your mental images of negatively come from that alone which tends to influence how you feel about yourself. Without question.....this is what I have really begun to notice more and more as I have discovered this aspect of having ADHD.....my own dependency on other people in this one specific way for as a means for guidance. And if the person who you are rely on for this has their own agenda and priorities screwed up well.....that's a problem for me especially if they are also dependent on me to be steering the ship in the right direction. The problem comes from the need for relying on others and being dependent. This is our Achilles heel. And if the person you are with is also in need of you because of their own dependence issues....then both people are going no where in a hurry together if that's the case.
I've watched this play out in my own family when I look at my two older sisters. Both have masters degrees...both have great husbands who have good jobs (one retied now) and both are independent ( strongly instilled and taught in my family ) and had full time careers before they were married. Both were stand alone women and needed no one else to take care of them. This was the model that I grew up with and admire and it formed my own expectation of having a partner to share my life with.....each contributing equally into the marriage and relationship on all levels including financially and not being dependent on me for anything other than the emotional bond we had together and sharing all incidentals equally together. Both of us sharing one ship together and both taking their turn at being in control of the wheel. Two captains running one ship not one captain and the other being a passenger.That's the concept.
But what what interesting to watch in the case of my two sisters was when they both started having children. One kept working and furthering her career (to this day)....and the other one quit working and deferred herself to her husband to make the income and for her to stay home and raise the kids. This is where I really saw a change take place in my oldest sister (the one who stopped working). I watched how her expectations changed along with her attitude and her opinions.
Technically speaking....the children were the only dependents in the household but.....I watched as time passed how she started to become more nervous and fearful.....as well as more demanding and rigid in her own expectations of others outside of these same concerns about my nephews. There was no way I could not notice how relinquishing her independence and deferring her survival as an individual changed her personality. In her case I think...this was largely due to the fact that my brother in law had a great job and retied early with plenty of money in reserve on top of the fact and was also fairly unbending in his need to be in control. As far as his career was concerned....he advanced and did well because of this fact but that left less room in their marriage for decisions being made jointly together. I watched her fall into the stereotypical role that she grew up with in my family and along with it....a similar neurotic,obsessive and fearful pattern I was familiar with in my mother ( who despite this pattern...was an extremely intelligent woman especially for her day...dependent and intelligent non the less)
No way I could not notice this compared to my other sister who remained much more care free and outgoing pursuing more friendships and outside interested compared to my other sister. Both had children....both had good husbands and nice homes and were financially secure....but one relinquished her personal control and deferred herself to her husband and became less outgoing, more shut in and more demanding and rigid in her expectations than the other one....in my mind.....becoming a passenger on her husbands ship and he becoming the only captain on board. I also watched as both of my nephews now having graduated from college....becoming even more tightly wound and planning her day almost to the hour yet...having the freedom to do almost anything she wants without having any children at home to take care of.
I also saw this same pattern develop in my mother when my father passed away. She shut herself inside her house and slowly deteriorated and completely lost touch with any sense of herself and reality aside from a television set. It was like walking into a morgue when I would go over to see her and I begged and pleaded with her to come out with me and do things which she refused to do aside from going over to my sisters house or an occasional dinner out.....which was pulling teeth to get her to do with me. It was the saddest course of affairs I have ever had to sit back and watch your own mother die a slow death without pain and wither away and I felt helpless to do anything about it.
The evil culprit to this story is dependence in my opinion....both for us with ADHD and for the women who become this way. If you asked my mother or oldest sister if they thought that this was the problem with their mental health they would deny it and blame something else outside of them....husbands, changes in society, changes in the seasons, changes in the weather???? as being the cause for what was wrong with them as the reason for what was wrong with any health issues that they felt these things were responsible for.
Meanwhile....my other sister is still working, still active, still has friends and activities she enjoys and is full of life. She looks half her age....is slender and in shape and works out on a regular basis and is in good health by all reports. Her and her husband vacation on a regular basis together but still take short trips alone outside of town to see old friends and relationships and pursue interests completely separate from one another at the same time.
I don't know Geese? From where I sit ( and having watched this play out in my own family from beginning to end in my mother's case) Where do you see the problem? I'm just reporting the facts as I see them here without trying to be to biased even though of course I am. Back to opinions are like assholes I guess?
J
Not for me
Submitted by lauren07 on
moved to reply
I spend no time with children
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I spend no time with children. My adult daughters are more reliable and trustworthy than my husband, who has ADHD.
Thanks You Two
Submitted by kellyj on
I figured as much.....It was a curiosity as much to do with my older sisters as anything else (aside from my wife)......many yeas ago now. I don't have children myself so I don't have this reference to work from ( which in many ways am thankful for now for obvious reasons...also saying in respect to my decision...I had a bad feeling even then that I shouldn't and I know now why that was long before being diagnosed. Not from not wanting the responsibility or not liking kids. Uncle is a good role for me and suits everyone well:) I'm glad I listened to myself this time and you can't miss what you never had in this case )
But back then, I noticed, rather quickly when both sisters began having children....that I went from fun loving little brother to more the irresponsible child it seemed. That was when I was working all the time and didn't do much of anything else (running my own business). It was such a sudden shift in their personalities that I felt like there must have been an alien abduction? Like...."you aren't my sisters....what have you done with them?" lol And they both lived in different states? I do understand this really aside from making light of this but I was curious if this had anything to do with what I was asking about......separating ADHD from other things. Also....just doing this for myself and having no intention of introducing this into the relationship with my wife....as means for anything. I have learned at least....I have to do this part of the work for myself.....she does not:)
J
:)
Submitted by Hysterical37 (not verified) on