Intimacy in relationships
Submitted by LindaLou on Sat, 02/09/2013 - 21:02
I am the non-ADHD spouse. I am wondering if our relationship after 10 years will ever get to a point of real intimacy. I am not talking just about sexual intimacy....I am talking about being able to have real discussions about real issues.....including what we need from one another, to the business side of the marriage, to our dreams for the future. I am tired of talking about tv, sports and hearing repeat stories of his childhood. The only times we do talk about real life issues - I have to initiate the conversation or ask all the questions to get the information. If we do talk about "business" it usually ends in a fight. I don't want to always have such a shallow marriage. Our sex life is troubled as a result.
He is a nice guy, likable, kind and most all of the time, happy. He just wants to have fun. He is faithful and has a steady, good job. He is smart, we have similar views on faith and politics - both of those are important to me. He works with children and everyone likes him. He does not have friends besides his co-workers. He is very content watching sports and playing guitar.
Me, on the other hand.....I find myself turning to my friends for support and am filling my time with other activities, with other people - meditation, church book classes, or just time with friends talking. (I don't want to watch TV every night.) When I state my needs he says they are unreasonable. It would be nice to have a deeper relationship with my spouse.....as I have from my friends. He is good for a movie or a dinner, but the talk is shallow and if I don't initiate the conversation, we sit in silence.
He will NOT even consider any medication for this, he doesn't believe my assessment, and his adult daughter's, that he has ADD. And, he won't go to a professional to see. He had an accident several years ago so exercise is no longer possible (He ran 4 times a week before) and his symptoms have really increased. I am feeling more and more invisible.
I turned 50 last year and I am reassessing my life in general. I am trying to surround myself with caring people, really working on living a life of compassion and taking actions to balance my life, work and family. I love this man. At the same time, I am feeling a need to have a spouse who wants this same journey with me. When we do talk, I am getting better at stating what I need and his defenses are higher than ever. I am trying not to fight. The words "I love you" are said often from both of us. I just wish love was a verb in our marriage.