Irresponsible Husband

My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years.  We have two children...the youngest is autistic. My life is extremely stressful.  I strongly suspect that my husband has ADD.  Trying to get communicate with him is a very frustrating process.  He often leaves out a lot of the details when it comes to topics such as finances.  I'm left trying to fill in the gaps of what really happened.  His explanations often don't make any sense and sometimes he lies.  His memory is very poor...he'll swear up and down that he doesn't remember the details to recent conversations. There always seems to be a problem with his paycheck or his checking account.  Basically, it's one wild excuse after another. 

Now, my husband doesn't take drugs...I know this for a fact.  I've read about the symptoms of Adult ADD and I'm convinced that this is what my husband has.  I've tried to get him to go to doctor to be evaulated and tested for ADD, but he refuses to go.  The strain of having an autistic child is very enormous and it's emotionally and physically draining.  I love my son with all my heart.  But, having a husband he can't seem to get it together is frustrating.  I often have to cover for his share of the rent (because there's always a problem with his paycheck or bank account) and I have to buy groceries most of the time.  Even though my kids have a father in the home, I still feel like a single parent.  I deal with the following drama almost every day:

His wallet or keys have gotten lost again

ATM Card lost or he 'forgot' his PIN number (can't access his cash)

Frequent bounced checks resulted in NSFs (can't manage a checkbook--I'm glad that we have separate accounts because I can't trust him)

Failure to keep appointments/obligations

Fails to set his alarm clock when he has to go to work:  I have to wake him up as if I'm his mother

I'm sooo tired of him...he's ruined my credit twice.  At the same time, I'm getting physically sick because of the huge toll on me everyday.  I'm experiencing anxiety attacks and having frequent crying spells...I resent having to be the one to pull nearly all of the  weight.  I wish he would get a second job, but he procrastinates a lot.  He's always finding excuses. I'm so sick of it.  Even when things aren't his fault, I find myself blaming him anyway.  I guess I've become numb to his excuses and don't wan to hear it anymore.  I getting sick all of the time because of the heavy stress and my doctor advised me that I need to go on medical leave.  But, I'm afraid to do that because I can't trust my husband to handle the household expenses.  Whenever the rent is due, I always make it a point to give the payment to the landlord myself because I can't trust my husband with that kind of responsibility.  Years ago, when we first got married, I let him give the rent to the manager and somehow, they never received the money.  He lost the money order and we eventually, got evicted because of this mishap.  He's had his car repo'd twice and has had his wages garnished at least three times since we've been married.  I constantly have to remind him to do this and that.  It's crazy!!  At this point, I just want out of the marriage.  I no longer respect my husband...he's suffocating me.

 

 

 

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I am not married,but my ADD

I am not married,but my ADD boyfriend has also done four out of the five things you listed.We don't have the extreme's of ruining the credit,getting evicted,etc...but I can relate.The losing/misplacing the keys and wallet thing...at least a few times a week.He also has lost his debit card twice in the last month.He also has been late for work because he overslept because he spaced out getting his cell phone out of his truck to even set his alarm.

So I understand!We have separate finances as we are not married and don't have kids...but it may not always be that way if we get married and I worry about the very issues your having because of all this forgetting and misplacing.You feel like,if you can't even take care of yourself..how will you take care of the "big issues" in life.

Some of the others have suggested post in notes around the house really help.(That takes the nagging out of it) For me,I had to put an ultimatum on it..either you get on meds/counseling/read books etc. or I am leaving the relationship.Not to use as a threat...but the truth.Again,we are not married,so I can do that easier than if I was married.The truth of the matter is...there is always consequences for their actions of forgetting.Thats part of life and if they choose not to treat it or deal with it...it will catch up to them.Sadly enough yeah...some get there wake up call when it is too late.They need to see what really matters to them and that they could loose everything if they don't get help.

My boyfriend had a new respect for me when I was SERIOUS about him getting help and it felt so good to me because I was respecting myself and putting my foot down.Its like anything...only the person themselves can change and WANT to change...there are consequences for not changing.

I also was at a point of a breakdown.Severe depression,anxiety and insomnia...so I have gotten on antidepressants,a sleep med,excercise,reach out spiritually,find ways to relax myself,joined a codependancy class through church and meet with a counselour for ME once a week.It may sound crazy,but when you get so low...you have no choice but to go up.So I have used ALL the resources I can think of to help me.

I am still learing the right approach to deal with an ADD partner.Maybe I am not doing it the right/healthy way.Melissa would have much better insight on what to do,but just wanted to say I understand totally what your going through!Good Luck!

Taking Control of Your Life

Your advice is exactly spot on.  My marriage didn't turn around until the following combination happened:  a.) I decided to take care of myself, not him  b.) I decided that he was in charge of taking care of himself, not me  and c.) I decided what the real boundaries were for what I needed in order to declare the relationship successful and discussed those with him.  Keep on the track that you are going on, and ultimately you will be happier than you have been (as you say, only direction is up!)  He will respect you for knowing what you need, and you will better be able to discern what you don't need, as well.

A suggestion for if/when you get married...keep the finances separate.  If you need a pre-nup to do this, consider it.  Don't think of it as punishment or a comment on his abilities, just good financial management.

Melissa

ADD and Autism

I have been married 281/2 years and I have twins with autism that are 19 years old. My husband is insecure and I do believe he had ADD, won't seek help, thank god aI am in control of the finances. I think that he uses pot well I am sure he does to help with his anxiety. Would appreciate any ideas.