Submitted by Catterfly on 05/06/2024.
Non-ADHD spouse, 17 year marriage. Spouse diagnosed about a year ago.
After 17 years of marriage, I’ve had to let my standards for cleanliness and order go. I’ve had to endure him blaming me for clutter - which is all his our our children’s. I’ve had to endure him calling me crazy for trying to connect, needy or too sensitive for trying to talk through issues (related to him or not), and of course been the target of RSD rages.
He is helpful and has good coping mechanisms for ADHD, notably rigidity and strict conformance to what he self-assigns as “his” chores. But he is incapable of recognizing what I do. He blames me for everything wrong in his life, including, most recently, blaming me for our daughter’s mental health issues. My biggest issues are of course complete emotional neglect, defensiveness and rage whenever I bring up anything that needs to be worked on (no matter how proactively), and neglect when I’ve been deathly sick or trying to heal after a c-section while caring for a baby and toddler.
Also, I told him a year ago that I am “not ok” and “not able to cope” with the extreme stressors in our lives (daughter’s mental health) and that I needed his help. Out of that, absolutely nothing happened. I’ve had to be there for my daughter daily, while no one is there for me.
No one outside of our four walls can see the Jekyll and Hyde behaviour. They think he is wonderful. And shamefully, we’ve lost friends and aliented family members - or rather, I have because I can hardly bite back my rage towards him.
He understands that he has ADHD, but claims it is minor. He has read this blog and is taking Melissa’s course and claims that none of it relates to him, since he has “such a mild case”. Of course to me, it’s severe and everything I’ve read and learned here relates to our marriage exactly.
Please, I’m drowning and desperate and don’t know what to do. How can I get him to see how badly this has affected us, and stop blaming me for everything? I don’t think we can move forward or be stronger parents until we start making ADHD the enemy, and work collaboratively to solve the issues.
Assume this is who he will be forever
Submitted by adhd32 on
You cannot make him see his behavior or feel empathy. Assume this is the best he will ever be. Become a spectator and observe what he does. Actions not words. Clearly he isn't interested in change. You cannot make him change. You cannot make him change. You cannot make him change. Really, your choices are stay and endure this life or start making plans to leave.
Thank you so much. I see -
Submitted by Catterfly on
Thank you so much. I see - accept and endure or make plans, but in any case stop hoping for change.
I am a realist
Submitted by adhd32 on
Change in behavior requires constant effort by the ADHD person. If they are not doing anything different and not showing a commitment to change, you will remain as you are. Additionally, you may see some effort if you start talking about leaving but that is to keep you around until you fade into the background once again.
A lot of advice on this forum for marital improvement is aimed at the non partner to be understanding, talk softly when spouse is in a good mood, blah blah blah. None of these things work because ADHD spouse cannot/will not commit to change and in their mind YOU are the reason for everything bad that happens.. Often you are left defeated while unwilling spouse stays in their ADHD cocoon. You can try to distance yourself and live like roommates which some people do because they feel obligation to their vows. I personally feel that we were given free will and are not expected to endure daily abuse because we made a big mistake and married a person who did not reveal their true nature. If you are thinking of leaving do it in stages without verbalizing it to him. Quietly reach out for legal help so you know your rights and responsibilities. Gather financial information. If you have the means, get into therapy to have a safe place to talk about your situation. In order for any relationship to be fulfilling both people need to be rowing the boat at the same time, in the same direction. Life with an unwilling adhd partner feels like you are the only one aiming for shore while partner is busy poking holes in the bottom of the boat.
Wow - that analogy is bang on
Submitted by Catterfly on
Wow - that analogy is bang on. I've even said that I feel like I'm running a marathon while he's throwing chairs at me. We are just sooo disconnected.
Your advice to leave slowly is also well taken. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and helping to validate what I've been feeling.
He doesn't want to see it
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
"How can I get him to see how badly this has affected us,"
In my experience with a very similar-sounding husband, I could not get him to see it. At the end of our 20 year marriage, he still said, "IF I have ADHD, it's very minor." (He had a diagnosis by then even.) It's not minor. It's like landmines exploding in every single part of our lives every single day.
Based on what you wrote, it seems like your husband is absolutely unwilling to see the chaos/pain/work he causes and like adhd32 said, you probably need to consider either accepting that this is how he'll be forever or start working on your exit plan. I'm biased, but I recommend the latter. It doesn't matter if everyone thinks you're a beast and have left this wonderful man. They'll either see the truth eventually or they won't and you can't control that narrative. You deserve SO much better than this and so do your kids, who like my daughter has, may actually thank you for leaving one day. One day you'll look back on all you put up with and wonder why you didn't leave 10 years earlier. I highly recommend a therapist for yourself plus a consultation with a divorce lawyer so you can understand your rights and risks in leaving.
It's painful to accept because it LOOKS like such an easy fix to us. Common sense says partners should work together, communicate and genuinely WANT to be on the same page. Your reality is NOT his reality. He's happy with the way things are. He doesn't want to connect with you meaningfully or take ownership of the clutter or help with the daughter or learn how to have a collaborative conversation. He wants you to keep enabling how he wants things to be so he doesn't have to own his role in the problems or do the work to solve them. I'm so sorry that sounds harsh but I wish someone had said that to me 10 years earlier than I finally left because it was true.
Thank you so much. Your
Submitted by Catterfly on
Thank you so much. Your words don't sound harsh so much as they have a deep ring of truth.
I asked myself the same
Submitted by Swedish coast on
It didn't matter that he actually cared deeply about me and is one of the most loving and empathetic people I've ever met. He had no ability to see what his ADD did to me and he wasn't interested in facing it. It was more important for him to preserve his self-image.
I left him, I had no alternative in the end. Am traumatized by the way my marriage ended. Still glad I left.
I'm so sorry for your pain.
Thank you, Swedish coast.
Submitted by Catterfly on
Thank you, Swedish coast. This is also great insight for me to consider. I've been thinking that if can learn to be empathetic or to show the love that he claims to have, then things would be ok. But you found even that to be an impossible situation.
I'm sure my husband is also suffering from childhood emotional neglect (or abuse, even) on top of ADHD. The combo is devastating.
Thank you for sharing your experience with me.
Thank you Catterfly
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I think severe ADHD (especially with a hard childhood on top) makes it difficult for even the best person to meet the expectations of a non partner. The expectations we may place on our ADHD loved ones are natural to us. We can and will reciprocate what we ask for. Only to the ADHD mind, those expectations are impossible both to grasp and to meet. I've found the best description was my husband and I each had our separate universe. We didn't understand each other at all even after decades together.
It's certainly not easy to leave the marriage either. I wish I could point out a pleasant path out of your current situation, but I'm afraid I don't know one. Just please remember that as Melody mentioned earlier, if you do leave chances are you will question afterwards why it took you so long. I know there are still painful months or more ahead after my divorce, and I waited so long I had worn myself to the bone. I suffered needlessly, because positive change was never in my hands. There was no ability in my partner to change. It didn't matter how good intentions we both had. Disability, I found in the end, was all that mattered.
Thank you Catterfly
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
I really appreciate you posting this because this is me right now. I'm at the point that it's time to find out if he is interested in changing or not and then I'll be making my decisions about which way to go - same routes as you: stay and endure or leave. Both are hard. Choosing your hard is hard. I'm so sorry you are going through it.
The carrot
Submitted by adhd32 on
Everyone has different reasons for the choices they make. The reward for leaving is a peaceful life, self respect, financial security, disentanglement from being codependent in order to keep the peace, a clean home, a healthy environment for their kids, freedom to make and execute your own plans. First, though, you have to walk through the fire not knowing what is on the other side. That is the daunting part.
Of all the people who came on this forum in the last 7 years who were looking for support to end things, not one came back to say they were mistaken and went back to their ADHD partner. A few reconciled but left for good because any improvement made by the ADHD partner lasted a few months and boom, right back to their old self.
Thank you, carrot. You're
Submitted by Catterfly on
Thank you, carrot. You're right that the fire is truly terrifying. Moreso because I have to pull my kids through it with me - although they've expressed a desire for their parents to separate. :(
I'm glad to hear that others have found peace on the other side.
You just blew my mind
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
"Of all the people who came on this forum in the last 7 years who were looking for support to end things, not one came back to say they were mistaken and went back to their ADHD partner."
O M G. You're right. If that isn't telling, what is?
Thank you so much for sharing
Submitted by Catterfly on
Thank you so much for sharing your experience as well. It is so validating to hear that I'm not imagining things and that others are experiencing the same. Although I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
My thoughts go out to you, too.
There it is
Submitted by Swedish coast on
"No one outside of our four walls can see the Jekyll and Hyde behaviour. They think he is wonderful. And shamefully, we’ve lost friends and alienated family members - or rather, I have because I can hardly bite back my rage towards him."
This is true for me as well. The alienation because I've been confused, ashamed and exhausted and was frustrated with family and friends for leaning on me too when I was already carrying a ton.
Thank you for sharing.
Truth
Submitted by Nevergoodemough on
I don't think anyone believes me the Jekyll & Hide thing either but I also don't talk about it much.
i am however glad I found this forum. Definitely makes me feel way less crazy than years of therapy were able to. I'm in therapy for several years already for "inability to feel joy and relax". Some days I wonder why, some days I KNOW!