I'm currently in a marriage of ten years that has been gradually going downhill for the past 8 years. My wife and I got together when we both had young kids from previous marriages, and I feel like we did a great job of raising a stepfamily despite all of those challenges that come with being a stepfamily. Now, two of our three kids are off in college and the youngest (my stepson) is 16. So, he hardly needs (or wants) our continual attention, but he does need care like any kid.
One thing I have noticed is that, now that most of our kids have left home, there really isn't much of a connection or shared goals between the two of us. Maybe there never was a connection beyond the intense courtship phase other than our kids. Our life has been scattered and disorganized for as long as I can remember. My wife mentioned that she had been diagnosed with ADHD as a child, but has never received treatment or expressed any interest in treatment. Now that I have learned more about ADHD and its effects on marriage, we're a textbook case. In addition, I've noticed that my wife has a lot of symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and has several untreated physical ailments. They all feed off of each other and a lot of times I feel like I am married to a black hole that eats all of my energy. I've seen what situations like this can do to a couple because my wife's parents suffered through 50+ years of unhappy marriage due to similar conditions. Overall, my wife is a nice person and a very accomplished researcher, but I feel like beyond that, our life is in shambles.
Honestly, I am so exhausted at this point. I'm not the person I want to be, and I'm not living the life I want to live. If the only problem was ADHD, I feel like I could work through treatment and rebuild a life with my wife. But, I'm 50 and I don't think I can commit the rest of my healthiest years to address three major challenges just to get back to a point where we both are happy. I want to leave and I often daydream about how nice life would be on my own. I would also feel terrible for leaving my wife because she seems a bit hopeless day-to-day. I would love any advice you could offer.
Sad But True
Submitted by Varden on
Sorry to hear about your situation. It's sad that it has come to these state of affairs, where you start daydreaming about how easy life would be on your own.
I've been there before. I'm actually engaged to my soon to be wife of 7+ years and there's been pretty much nothing but ups and downs the whole way through. While things haven't always been easy, they have gotten better over time. But it wasn't really until I confronted her with all the ways I'd learned about how her ADHD had effected our relationship that things began (but not even near immediately) to improve.
We were about 5 years in, had just moved into a new place, and I was at what I would describe as a "rock bottom" of our relationship. She had went on a week-long trip with her Mom and sister and I had decided that I would take this opportunity to finally figure out why I felt so destitute. I discovered Melissa's book in that time, read it twice before she got back from her trip, and confronted her with everything I learned when she got home.
It wasn't easy, and at first it was honestly worse than before. But, she truly did want to get better for not only her sake, but the both of us. My new calm and educated demeanor caused her enflamed and confused self to really sit back and look at herself honestly.
Two years later and many, many, many, MANY learning conversations, ups and downs, and us both continuing to learn about how she effects our relationship finally brought us to a place where I felt like I could propose. We're happily engaged now, but still will always deal with what we've come to learn is our new normal.
To you I say, look into your heart first and ask yourself what I did: do you love her enough to still try? I understand you may be beyond that point, but if you still have some fight left in you, as small as it may be, let her know, and don't beat around the bush. If she loves you, and if she's willing to try something new to find a better side of how she expresses herself, she will listen. If not, it may be time to realize the sad but true reality of the situation: that life really would be easier on your own.
Hope you find resolve soon. Remember to focus on you first. Good luck.
Thanks for your thoughtful
Submitted by mlcrenovator on
Thanks for your thoughtful feedback about your experience, Varden. I've tried explaining that the issues related to ADHD have been some of my biggest challenges in our relationship, and my wife mentioned that it wasn't a priority for her to address her ADHD at this point. It was a bit of a letdown to say the least. I've thought a lot about what me feelings are for her at this point, and I mostly feel like we are good friends who support each other. I'll see if my feelings change over time. If they don't, I'm ready to move on by myself.
I think it's healthy to be open to leaving!
Submitted by CANTGOBACK on
When you're with a partner who de-prioritizes addressing issues that they know impact the marriage in a negative way, I see it as a get out of jail card placed right in your hand. That's just me, others may disagree. I don't take commitment seriously if it isn't mutual... a one sided commitment is nothing but trouble, for both because resentment grows both ways.
I am glad to see you considering your future thoughtfully, and placing importance on your happiness. It does seem a waste to remain in a dynamic with someone who is complacent concerning their own health, especially if you value health and self care. It's just a mismatch, and life's both too long and too short for that. I hope you find peace whatever direction you choose.
Thanks so much, CANTGOBACK,
Submitted by mlcrenovator on
Thanks so much, CANTGOBACK, for your validation. I agree that life is both too long and too short to be stuck in a relationship that I don't want. I'm gradually stating very clearly what I need as a person/partner and we'll see if she is able to rise to the occasion or not. So far, it has caused quite a bit of conflict, which is telling. Mentally and emotionally, I feel like I'm already leaving because it's unlikely that ten years of this pattern is unlikely to change at this point. On the positive side, I feel more at peace than I have in a long time!
Good for you!
Submitted by CANTGOBACK on
Change is difficult, and something we often resist, it can be painful and there's also the fear of the unknown, regrets, loss .. but leaving a toxic situation is so liberating at the same time. You and I are close to the same age, with lots of life left. I hope you find happiness, and peace. Standing up for what you need and want is huge, and will certainly pay off one way or the other. Self love and respect has a way of attracting those who have the capacity to love and respect you. ;)
Your last paragraph
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
I can identify with so much of it, except I'm 20 years in and only 43, but I feel so much older. I, too, often daydream about how peaceful life would be by myself. We still have four children at home, tho, and I can't change the living arrangements bc I could never afford a place on my own large enough for myself AND older teenagers/young adults. So it is nothing more than a daydream, and I continue living in anxiety for the next complication or life disaster that I get to experience but have little to no control over personally.
I was stuck at one point too
Submitted by CANTGOBACK on
Being financially dependent on an abusive partner, with 4 kids. It's a horrible place to be but there is life after! I finally was able to escape and rebuild a life, and did lots of trauma healing work with therapists. Just wanted to empathize and encourage you, you will be able to rebuild eventually. Take good care of you in the midst, it's critical.
It's complicated
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
I feel obligated to stay now that he's working on himself. When he finally started being open to what I was saying about a year and a half ago, he set about changing and gaining self-awareness and determinedly working at having self-control. He's maintained it and not slacked off. But now I feel like I'm the one with the problem because I'm beginning to realize that I checked out years before I was aware of it. I went through the motions until I simply couldn't pretend that I was happy anymore. That was two years ago and what eventually led to him making the changes that I had been asking him to for YEARS. He always just blamed me for everything instead of realizing how destructive his behaviors were to me, even tho i made it very clear. Now he's better and I am completely apathetic. I have nothing left emotionally. So, while I'm no longer being damaged, it is an awkward place to be in because he's constantly apologizing and trying to make it up to me, but I no longer care. I can and do forgive him, but I have no feelings for him.
That's not to say that I am
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
That's not to say that I am unkind to him or treat him rudely or badly in any way. But I had to put some hard boundaries on physical contact and conversations because I simply couldn't handle it anymore. He was raised in am extremely dysfunctional and abusive family, so he has never had adult friends before the last two or three years. So he depended on me for everything. "Friendship", support, sounding board, punching bag, sex, complaints about his wife (me), etc. It was a very unhealthy dynamic that I had no way to dodge, so I think I unconsciously detached emotionally for self preservation.
That is such a tough situation
Submitted by CANTGOBACK on
And I'm sure it's extremely draining. I hope you are able to be taking good care of yourself, finding ways to keep your heart open to life and to your future even though you're unable to leave at this time.
It's so good you were able to make boundaries for yourself that way. It sounds like you are coping in a very healthy way, to me! And avoiding toxic behavior allows you to live with dignity and self respect, with far fewer regrets and nothing to feel ashamed of.
There is a sense of empowerment and autonomy that arises from our refusal to stoop to the level of anyone who behaves wretchedly toward us, but it takes a bit of work to get there and maintain it, day after day. Looking back, even in my worst misery I can see that I was developing strength and purpose and a clear sense of myself . It can be a very long hard road but need not be a dead end! One of my favorite sayings is "No mud, no lotus".