So I am leaving him finally, my ADHD husband. I don't know how. Right now I am staying at a friend's house. I have no idea what I'm going to do next or how I will move forward but I am certain that I must leave.
The reality is that this will never change and that he has been slowly sucking the life out of me for years. This ADHD thing, along with other deep traumas he has, and maybe some narc issues as well, it is all far too much for any woman to handle. There is no woman who would have stayed with him as long as I have, which is 13 years. I know his ex wife and she went through everything I'm going through. She left him after 11 years.
He has been to therapy and as long as he keeps going, there is some improvement. But his therapist is not available and he hasn't been in months, and everything is getting worse.
The thing is that he just seems so crazy to me. So emotionally disregulated and incapable of self control. So willing to put me through hell.
The last thing was about puppies. We have these puppies someone dropped at our door. Three of them. And we have them in the mud room and they are shitting everywhere. So we got puppy poop papers to put on the floor. So he brings the puppies inside after they had been out all day in the garden, and he does not put the papers on the floor. I had been working hard in the garden and I was exhausted (he never helps me in the garden), and I come in, and he is watching TV. I ask where the puppies are, he says in the mud room. I ask if he put the papers down. He says no. I, frustrated, say, you have to put the papers down! I say, if you don't put them down, fine, if you want to clean up the poop.
Well. That was it. He is triggered. He is reactive. And we're off to the races. He yells at me that they are my responsibility, which is ridiculous. I say they are OUR responsibility, I didn't personally receive these dogs. He storms out.
I decide to walk the big dogs, give him some space to calm down. When I come back after half an hour, it's hard to tell if he's over it. But it seems he is not. So I sit down on the porch with him and ask, are you still pissed off? And he says, sarcastically, no, why would I be?
So now I see he is not going to have a mature conversation with me, he is going to escalate it and drag me through some more emotional hell. So I ask him to please not do that. I tell him I am too tired to deal with it. I invoke some of the therapy that he's learned in order to have better communication. And he angrily says, I don't need a lecture from you! And he gets up and storms off.
All of this over puppy papers.
And soon it will be something else, and something else, and something else, and something else.
This came just a few days after the last fight where he emotionally attacked me in a really controlling way. He later apologized, because he always eventually realizes he was wrong. But not until he puts me through hell.
The horrible problem is that my life is 100% enmeshed with him because we also work together. We have a beautiful home that we have built together. I have absolutely nothing outside of this situation. I have no cash savings, I have no other job. And after all these years I am so exhausted from him that I feel like a flattened piece of clay. I have lost myself totally in this relationship and I don't have any motivation or desire for anything except rest.
I wish there was someplace people like me could go to just rest for a few months, to get clarity.
I think it is impossible to know how to get out, how to get to the next step, without some time for rest.
It's possible that the only way for me to do this is to basically jump off a cliff. Just buy a plane ticket and go far away, destroy my entire life and start new. Because otherwise, every single time, I get immediately sucked back into the same patterns with him. I mean, I could stay here and try to slowly carve out some other paths and opportunities for myself, but I am afraid if I do that he will suck me back in and I will fall into the complacency that so easily sets in because everything else is horrendously exhausting and scary.
Why do we always have to wait for things to become entirely unbearable before we decide to leave? It's amazing how much we can put up with.
The thing is that he loves me a lot in his way, but he is just a mess. And he's not young. It isn't going to change. And I am getting older as well. If there is any hope for me to have peace in my life, and maybe even find a healthy relationship, I need to go.
I feel like I am caught in tar.
I would like to hear from people who got out of their relationship and how they did it.
You can do it! <hugs>
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I promise you, there is something good on the other side of this that you can't see now. Leaving gives you the opportunity to find yourself again, to free your body and mind of the incessant stress of living with him and maybe to find happiness again with a new partner or career. If you need the rest and headspace, can you take as much of that as you need at your friend's? There's time for solutioning the "how" later. Maybe you pursue a new career. Maybe you get the house valued so you can get your half of the equity out. Maybe you do fly off to another country and start over. That can come later. If you can, I'd recommend getting an individual therapist that can help you deal with all the difficult feelings and decisions you're facing. Be patient with yourself. You don't have to have it all figured out.
I got very close to leaving a couple of times before I finally pulled the trigger. Each time, I didn't do it I got the temporary relief of not having to do the hard thing, but each time I also felt awful a couple weeks later because I was still mired in a terribly unhealthy situation and I needed to remuster the courage to think about how I would leave all over again. If I could, I would suggest that now that you've made the big move of physically leaving, you stay the course so you don't find yourself in the same place a year from now, just with one less year to start over.
You mention you have a beautiful home. So did I. I had a harder time leaving the home than the husband and I still think about my house and have a hard time seeing it in pictures. But we did sell it and my half of the proceeds from that home went a long way to helping me kickstart my new life. Even if you have no cash now, maybe that can help you as well. Perhaps your work in the business entitles you to payments or proceeds if you split. When you feel stable enough, I would highly recommend consulting with a divorce attorney so you know what you're entitled to financially. That will give you so much more confidence or at least knowledge that can inform your decisions. Consulting with a lawyer doesn't mean you have to make it a battle. I consulted a lawyer to understand my entitlements and risks and then my ex and I were able to split with minimal mediation and no expensive lawyers. Not everyone is that lucky, but it's possible. Either way, the legal advice you'll get in a consultation focused on your unique circumstances is priceless.
It sounds like you might experience your husband trying to get you to come back. I also dealt with my ex promising change, etc. I felt awful because I knew I was hurting him. However, I'd given him endless opportunities over the years to show action, so I stayed firm that it was over. I would recommend not giving an inch in having conversations with him that would, as you say, suck you back in. It's very hard to stay strong with such a hard and uncertain path ahead. The familiar is so tempting. The fact that you've decided to end things is enough and you don't owe him any more context than you've already given over the years.
Leaving is REALLY hard, but like you, I was "certain I must leave." I just knew that I was going to die if I stayed and that he was never going to change. I am more than 3 years out now and I know I made the right decision. My life is NOT easy as a single mom, but I am physically and mentally healthier by far, as is my daughter. I just wish I'd done it sooner.
In your heart, if your body and mind is screaming at you to get out of this situation, you're doing the right thing. You are capable of more than you realize, but give yourself time to process, accept, grieve, etc. You're strong and amazing and you've proven that over the last 13 years. Imagine if you put all that you've put into the relationship into yourSELF for the next 13!!
You are strong
Submitted by Swedish coast on
My congratulations. It sounds like you have made the right decision!
I've divorced my severe ADD husband of 20+ years. As gently as I could, later than was good for my health, and only when the situation was unbearable and obviously affected the children negatively.
It has been a hellish journey, mostly because he was aggressive and didn't respect my boundaries during divorce and I came out of it feeling totally unappreciated and disheveled, retroactively traumatized by his many rage episodes over the years. I'm still in shambles a big part of the time actually. But it's been possible to work as usual, make sure the children are well provided for emotionally and practically. I also spend time caring for myself now, and it is beginning to show some results six months after he moved out. I'm doing better. It's okay to have a rocky patch, things will sort themselves out.
Melody is the one to tell you how much better everything will be in a few years! I do believe the inevitable divorce, when all efforts have failed and you no longer trust your partner, will be for the best in the long run.
We only have these days of life to cherish. We might need to get rid of much of the old life as we know it. I'm so glad you stand up for yourself. You are strong and have every reason to be very proud.
well done!
Submitted by honestly on
Well done for getting this far! I have a very similar situation to yours - minus the puppies, sadly, but including the shared business. Death by a thousand cuts, over years and years. It's heartening to hear from someone who's made the leap. I'm gathering my forces to do the same. Solidarity. XX