Ok, so to keep an extremely long story very short, my partner with ADHD has been in the process of recovering from recent family trauma from about 4 years ago and how it still very much effects her to this day. She was very slender when I met her, extremely active, frequented the gym, and used to love getting out-doors and doing a bunch of the activities we both loved to do when we met. On top of that, she always used to be great about keeping up with her half of the chores and keeping the house clean, over all. She had symptoms of ADHD mostly as a younger kid, and by the time I met her when she was 19, I didn't even know or suspect she could have it until about four years into our relationship when all this family trauma of her's occurred.
Within the span of a few months, she basically became a broken down version of herself, and all of the sudden, her ADHD was level 11 severe, like, I'm talking incapacitating for someone who didn't have a support system like me. Flash forward to four years since the family issues and she's really been talking about how much she wants to lose weight, clean the house more, get rid of clutter, do a whole laundry list of projects, and also make more time for herself and the fun things we used to do for us as a couple all the time when we first were dating.
I know her quite well, and the problem is she's always repeating this pattern of wanting more time to do the things she says she wants to do, but then she'll book way too many clients or take on so many other obligations that she has no time for herself, let alone much time for us. I've learned a lot about ADHD over the years of her also discovering herself in this new way, and I know enough to know that I can't force her to do anything and really I can only encourage her to make changes that help her try different, not necessarily try harder. Now that it's been about a solid year of her saying constantly that she wants to go to the gym (yet she only went 4 times last year because it's hard to "make time for it"), or wanting to focus on her mental health more, or actually doing her chores (I've pretty much been doing them all while working 40+ hours a week for a year now) but at the same time not doing anything to clear her schedule up to make room for it, I've started to giver her gentle reminders along the lines of "remember what you said you wanted to do?" or "Your schedule's just starting to clear up, are you sure you want to take on another x, y, & z obligation without first scheduling time for yourself?".
I'm really trying to walk a fine-line between not nagging her, since she doesn't need/like that and I don't like feeling like a nag either, but sometimes it feels like she just CAN NOT for the life of her seem to prioritize planning for herself or the goals she sets for herself. Then what happens? Well, she's continued to gain more and more weight, which makes her beat up on herself even more, and makes her lean ever closer to this cycle of depressive demotivation that she herself is causing by not making changes to make her goals happen. And it truthfully hurts so bad to see her like this. I tell her she's beautiful and that I love her at least 5 times a day at minimum. I tell her that I just want her to be happy and remind her that I'm not forcing her to make any changes when I remind her of the goals she sets, but every time I do, I feel like she shuts down and treats me like I'm the villain who's keeping her from achieving her goals or being happy. But after a year, if nothing's changed and things have only gotten worse, and it wretches me to see her so sad on herself, how can I as a loving partner NOT say something? I feel like it would be less loving to just let her be and continue down this path of her own choices making her feel worse and worse. It seriously hurts me because I love her so much and just want her to be happy, in whatever body she wants, but she has these visions in mind of her from almost 5 years back that she's doing nothing to make a reality again. Keep in mind too that she's self employed and tied to NO obligations or responsibilities that she doesn't decide when to schedule for herself, so she could literally make any change that she wants in order to make these goals happen.
So here's where I need advice from both sides of the view point...
Neurotypical partners: Have you ever been in a situation like this? How did you communicate and remind them of goals they set for themselves without nagging or feeling like a nag? How were you able to stay emotionally stable as you watched their emotional well-being decline and how did you keep yourself from going into 'savior-mode' while still feeling like you were a loving and supportive partner and not just letting them fall apart?
ADHD partners: Have you ever been in a cycle like this? How did you help yourself remember to prioritize changes in your life that helped you achieve the goals you set for yourself? Did you have a partner who was there for you in that time, and if so, how were they able to remind you and help you stay on track without making you feel like they were nagging you or putting you down?
Any advice is much appreciated!! Thanks in advance for reading my very long explanation about the situation, but I felt like it was necessary to really get my point across of what life is like for me right now. Praying that Melissa Orlov sees this one!!
Stop trying to help
Submitted by adhd32 on
Stop trying to light a fire under her. She is an adult who can decide for herself. She can let herself go, over burden her schedule, and stop doing chores. You have to decide if you can accept it. If you cannot, you have to figure out what comes next for YOU, not her. You cannot change her, but it sounds as though she may be suffering from depression so you might want to encourage a mental health evaluation. Beyond that, have a serious conversation with her and let her know that the change in her life is concerning to you. Explain that the current situation is draining you and you would like to work together to help her get back to a better place. Set some boundaries too. If she refuses to work on moving forward you must think about your future otherwise you will become a codependent caregiver. Live your own life around her but not with her. Make your own plans, follow your own interests, make new friends. You can stay married and do your own thing without her which is not ideal but doable but you cannot change her, that power is all hers.
I wish I had advice that would work
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
If we could motivate our partners, more of us might still be married. I think you're exercising as much control as you have, unfortunately. ADHD is all about inertia, so no matter how much a lot of people with this condition "know" they "should" be doing certain things, even under perfect circumstances with optimal time, it's just too easy for them to choose easier routes or to do nothing (yes, even if health/self image/other people suffer).
Continuing to remind and try to help comes from a loving place, but it's not working for you or her. She's villainizing you and you're expending a ton of mental energy on something that will only change if she wants it to.
I might suggest that for things that don't affect you, you back off entirely and put the energy into yourself. And for things that do affect you, decide where your line in the sand is. Maybe you can just let things be or maybe eventually you'll have to say, "you've been complaining about this for more than a year now and even though you have the resources and time, you're not doing anything about it so I'm sorry, but I just can't be your sounding board for this anymore. I think a therapist might have some great suggestions for you and I fully support you going to one."
Only other suggestion is that if meds aren't optimized, that may help, but again, it's on her to make that change.
I'm really sorry. It's hard to detach when you love someone, but I think you have to let this be her problem to solve, knowing full well she may never actually solve it even with all the resources at her disposal. You sound like an incredibly caring partner.
(double post)
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Please read below
ADHD partner ability
Submitted by Swedish coast on
My experience after many years with an ADD partner is that the important predictor of the future is ability. ADHD is an executive dysfunction. An ADHD partner can be brilliant, highly motivated and deeply committed, like mine. Still, if the ability to shape life isn't there, all those things have little effect on the end result.
It's simple and it's something I wish I'd known. If they can't change things, they won't change things. There is nothing a partner can do about it. But you as non risk doing what I've done: losing yourself in this, using all your love, respect and ability to improve things, only to find you've exhausted yourself to no effect, and coming out on the other side rather battered. I hope you won't, I hope for the very best for you and your partner.
Finding harmony and help before having children
Submitted by Lonely21 on
I don't have much advice to offer regarding your specific questions. In fact, I would also really like to see some useful answers to apply to my relationship. Anyway, the only advice I have is that you manage to reach some consensus before thinking about having children, as the whole situation intensifies a lot after that. While there are no children, you can maintain individuality and distance when necessary. But, after the children are born, the couple's dynamics become much more complex, as individual posture and attitude greatly affect the partner and the children and many conflicts and disagreements can arise about everything, especially about domestic tasks and education. of children.
It's difficult....
Submitted by c ur self on
I have a similar situation w/ my wife....Acceptance of their unique individual realities must be accepted by us, even thought we see and experience behaviors or habits by them, that we deem as somewhat self destructive...I only lost my life when I attempted to Mother or fix her....And it only creates insecurities in them, and builds walls (tension) between you two...What we are doing in the name of "Help" or "Care", is intrusive to their life....I have heard 15 years worth of comments, statements, & promises that only had about a 20 or 30% chance of being followed up on, if that....What you and I can do (anyone in our situation) is be kind, respectful, and encouraging when she makes those positive comments about what she would like to change (Oh, that's nice!, or good for you!) and let it go, knowing it's coming from an "I wish place".
These ladies here gave you some very good advice...
Bless you friend....It's really live and let live much of the time...You can be a good visible example also, by attempting to live your best life....(responsible)...
c
I think we all experience a similar situation.
Submitted by Gunnut on
I'm the non ADHD husband and I find that I'm often put in no win situations, by my ADHD wife. If I remind her of things, I'm nagging. If I don't I'm not supporting her diagnosis. If I ask her if she went for a walk today (I think exercise and sunshine has better results results than her ADHD meds do for her symptom) or even if I ask a mundane question like "Does anyone know were the chocolates are ?" I get, "You think I'm fat ! ". But, I tell her I find her attractive despite being close to 100 pounds overweight, then I'm not supportive here health journey. I certainly don't have any answers. Between that and feeling like I'm on a permanent pay no mind list, I'm burned out.