Guys, I'm looking for support and help from both nons and those with ADHD on the site. It's been a tough few days. Hurt feelings, rage, resentment and more. I know I don't want to be in a marriage like this, I deserve better....but when the DX has happened within the year and we haven't found our footing but dang, it's really taken hold, what can be done besides working on myself.
It can't be that I just have to continue like this, in a way that isn't true to me or my values, and wait for the day that he finally has some self awareness?? Yesterday had an expolsive conversation that at it's core was me needing to express a need/want/desire. And it just blew up. And I hate it. But I have to matter too.
My question is this: when times are like this and its tough and you know there are avenues to take, and one of the avenues is the extreme of leaving (going nuclear), how do you sift through this all?? Like do I just need to sit through and ride it out or what? I'm not really sure I want to leave or can leave at this time. I also have a son and I do have to consider him. I'm also in another country. This is my home so there is not somewhere else to go (and the laws here are in favour of the mom as long as she's in good standing).
I havent read the books yet, but im working on Boundary boss. Finding it tough. I'm doing the work on MEand me alone. I refuse to work on a partnership that isn't a real partnership. But bringing anything up to him is jist dismissal, denial and deflection. EVERY. DAY. its just exhasting.
So what has everyone's process looked like? Does anyone have any advice for me? What about that space and time between you know you don't want to live like this but you aren't sure going nuclear is the right option at this time. And when we haven't even tried counselling, how does that convo work??
I'm going to get Melissa's book and even if he doesn't do thr work, I'm fine to continue working on myself. But this is not something that I want to role model for my son. Its shit. And heartbreaking. And hurtful. Its hard to see past thr pain and hurt to be honest. Oh and I'm also in therapy but even then, when it's tough some days you gotta take a break
Le sigh.
It’s different for all of us
Submitted by sickandtired on
I realized there was a problem in my ADHD boyfriend's thinking and behavior during the devastating time during my parents' deaths which were about 18 months apart. He was stepping over boundaries like reading my emails from my parents' estate attorney and then answering them with long irrational emails without my knowledge and certainly without my consent. His emails made me look like a fool and everyone else involved lost respect and trust in me. I told him over and over to stay out of it, but his paranoid outlandish delusions controlled him to the point that he even demanded that my mother's body be exhumed because he was convinced she was murdered by my brother. He didn't like any of my attorneys, not realizing that they were only reacting to his absurd assumptions that they thought were coming from me. I changed my password many times but he still managed to contact them, and even threatened my parents accountant, posing as me, that led to a contempt threat from the judge! He would obsess on things like when he got a traffic ticket, he googled the home addresses of the officer and the judge involved. I was paralyzed with grief over losing my mother, and I told myself that I didn't have the emotional strength to leave him. That was a mistake.
Soon after, I fell on some junk he had hoarded and I had a severely broken leg in 2 places, sprained tendons in both ankles, and back injuries that required over a year in rehab. I still have a limp and unstable ankles to this day. I was at his mercy at home because there was nobody else to care for me. He was consistently angry at me, saying I had "ruined his life" by falling, and demanded I marry him, so he could have "some financial stability". He lived off of my inheritance and filled the house up with useless junk he compulsively bought on the internet. As I was healing physically I had a lot of time to think about how I never wanted to live with someone who would treat me like this. I had second thoughts sometimes, and looking back, I felt foolish when I would justify to myself why I didn't leave sooner.
I guess the most important thing I can say to you is never forget the goal of living a safe peaceful life that conforms to your values and provides a good role model to your son. If your partner crosses the line where you feel unsafe or disrespected, or if you are constantly trying to clean up the messy consequences of his behavior, start making a concrete plan to get out. Start your own savings account. Get the help of friends or trusted relatives. Once you've lost trust or respect for him, know that the road back to the way it was at first with him has been destroyed. Remind yourself that he will never change. Stop looking for the guy you fell in love with in the first place. Realize that it was only his hyperfocus on you and not the real him. Have a plan to make a better environment for yourself and your son, and work each day to fulfill that dream of living a good life.
What is your end goal?
Submitted by adhd32 on
If you want to stay married you have to accept that this person in front of you may never change. They won't like your boundaries. Have they made any goals for themselves such as regular therapy or coaching in the year since being diagnosed? That is a big clue to their dedication to your relationship. We can't make anyone want to change and it doesn't sound like your partner is a willing participant. You will need to put your foot down and separate yourself financially and emotionally from your partner and stop trying to fix things. Turn your focus on yourself. If you don't, you will just continue on because your partner is showing you who they are...open your eyes to see them as they are and their commitment to bettering the relationship. Not seeing any commitment?
If you are looking at leaving, quietly consult an attorney before doing anything. Start preparing for your exit so that the news comes only a very short time before you make your exit to avoid long drawn out confrontations. He won't like this either but at least you will see a way to a happier future for yourself. Don't rationalize staying because of your son. He is also affected by your marital issues, consider that he is learning how to treat his future wife from your marital example..
You were not meant to live a life of pain and servitude to someone who uses and abuses you. At some point you need to take control of your future and your happiness. Be realistic about what he is doing to move forward together.
The limbo is tough
Submitted by CANTGOBACK on
I'm sorry to hear about your crappy situation, it sounds as though you feel stuck and that's a horrible place to be especially with a child involved.
I'm a non, and I was in that space for quite a while, it was confusing because it wasn't all bad! It's a process and you don't know, til you know. Some things that helped me nurture myself and develop a direction:
Learning more about boundaries, and healthy communication, as you are doing. The adhd dynamic presented some unique challenges that I hadn't encountered before, so I needed to learn ways to approach those challenges (such as the blowouts from RSD, the time blindness, etc). Developing healthy communication on my end, (the only end I have control of) helped me advocate for myself in a way that I felt grounded, in control of my own experience (not being reactive) and helped ease the confusion about what was mine to take responsibility for, and what was his.
Guided meditations on self-compassion and affirmations were soothing as well, and helped me get kind of a felt sense of my own worthiness while also not tearing him down. The focus was on me, and what I need and want, rather than on him, and what he does and doesn't do. It strengthened my resolve to live in a way that nurtures me and meets my needs, which facilitated some good boundaries and the ability for me to make changes.
Practicing good self care is a must! Physically, with exercise and rest and good habits and routines. Prioritizing my wellness. I took up bicycle commuting on urban trails and it was so wonderful, I felt free on my bike! I got endorphins, sunshine, exercise, and toned legs! So some kind of outdoor exercise that makes you feel happy and like a kid again, not trapped, can be a real game changer. Empowering! Remind yourself of the good things in life.
Emotionally and spiritually, tending to my heart and mind with reading, meditations, and friends.
Nutritionally, I cared for myself with better eating habits.
Hobbies... I have one I adore and I made sure to make time to engage in it. It gives a sense of accomplishment and independence.
There are some ideas... with a child, depending on the age of your child, some things will be easier than others. In my own family, my children are grown and flown but I did focus on being the best grandma that I want to be. I leaned into the relationships in my family that are reciprocal and rewarding where I can be loved, and loving. The ones that bring out the best in myself.
Time reveals much. In the meantime, being your own best friend, giving yourself what he cannot, can help you find the answers.
These are great suggestions,
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
These are great suggestions, Cantgoback.
I fell down first, but...
Submitted by CANTGOBACK on
These habits helped me get back up and have served me very well in my continuing growth. It's a life long process I believe.
So practical....
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
I've re read this so many times bc it's so helpful. Can you tell me how it went for you... you've seem to do a lot of personal growth and looking after yourself (some of those tips I'm doing and others I am definitely incorporating). But can you tell me this..... did you try to talk or get you guys help or counselling or what was the between time of you realising to look after yourself and the end result to present day?? That's what I cant figure out for myself and not sure its going to appear for me... we have never done counselling, we barely talk and its just a shit status quo that I don't want to do anymore....but is it a blowup or a clam.talk or what?? If I felt like when he's 'good' it's thr worst time to talk to him bc he feels I bring the mood down, when he's down, god help me if I bring it up bc im kicking him when he's down. His recollection of our fights are just not what happened (like he literally makes stuff up about what he believed happened and then repeats that story on a continuous loop) and he's not really an open, warm or communicative person. He isn't safe either. In any way. Trust is broken but me closing the door on our 20 year relationship doesn't feel like that I'd the best thing to do without at least talking to him about it?? I guess when all the dust settles for whatever will settle and happens.... I I want to look back on thid and know that I tried and did the best I could but I can only do so much and there was nothing else I could do.
A very different situation BUT in the end....
Submitted by CANTGOBACK on
I think the process is the same to get to where you need to go, which is a life where you can live according to your values, and where you can experience peace, stability, and comfort of all kinds... physical, emotional, financial, spiritual, etc. . We are looking for health in all areas, right? Easier said than done but it's a worthy goal.
My relationship with an adhd (undiagnosed but checking many boxes, however not as severe as some who post here) began in mid life, no children in the relationship, and dating evolving to cohabitation, length of relationship, 3.5 years or so. So you can see, a very different set of circumstances. However! I firmly believe that the outcome that's healthiest for you comes from focusing on your own self care and personal evolution, rather than putting a whole lot into the relationship (as he has a diagnosis but is still not being a team player. No point in dragging a horse to water. A horse might get thirsty eventually, you never know. Leave that up to the horse.)
I practiced all the things I mentioned while trying to figure out what my direction would be. A lot simpler because I don't have dependent children in the mix, but complicated in that he is an amazing grandpa to my grands, among other reasons. I ended up leaving the relationship and separating our lives because I was able to get to a point of feeling healthy and whole in myself, with good self esteem and strong convictions about what I want and need in a romantic and practical partnership. There were not all the complications of a divorce following a long marriage. That's where attorneys come in handy.
In my mind, even though the outcome isn't predictable... the best way to get someone's attention in these toxic, crazy making dynamics (mine was as well) is to STOP TRYING TO GET THEIR ATTENTION and go full bore into taking care of yourself. No dragging someone along. No "one more talk." No negotiating, pleading, explaining, just do you.
For me, that meant just ending it one day when a circular issue just couldn't be resolved and I pulled the plug. Wow did that hurt, both of us. But it needed to happen. You don't need to do that, you can work on yourself behind the scenes.
I continued doing all the things I mentioned, to navigate the breakup, with a few "last talks" happening at my request, because it really is hard to end a relationship you've invested much effort, love and hope into. Not to mention the practical side. Ouch.
Those talks were wasted breath on both sides.
I just kept nurturing my own health and gained clarity.
What all this did for me is solidify my bargaining platform, my boundaries, and my faith in my own self and future and left him to make his own choices. Rather than threaten to leave, I left. Rather than ask for certain rules of engagement to be followed but then having them broken every.single.conflict..... I stopped engaging on those topics, that was my final boundary with communication, to STOP TALKING. I don't need to negotiate with someone who is holding their ground when it's detrimental to me, it's just fruitless. I have to move on with my own solutions, whatever that may mean. I don't need to ask for respect if a person just can't or won't give it. I need to practice self respect and stop making myself a target for disrespect. That's how I see it. It's not like if I could just ask in the right way, make it crystal clear, blah blah blah, then suddenly a grown man will think it's a good idea to meet me half way. The struggle ITSELF is the power, I think! For both sides. The power is in the struggle, meaning, as long as I am resisting you, and standing up for myself I win... that's the stance both sides take in these kinds of relationship battles. Someone has to fold so I folded. If a person can witness and participate in conflict for 3, 10, 20 years and not try to come up with a game plan to address it, I'm not going to hand them my game plan. Even a suggestion for counseling or a joint effort has to be arrived at mutually. I had been printing out info, coming up with fair fighting rules, talking ad infinitum about my own processes, all to no avail. If he would have had a motivation to partner with me then, he would have done it. He didn't need any more prompting from me. And as long as I as doing all the work I'm sure he thought I would keep doing all the work. That's where he was mistaken.
So where did it get me? Well, first off, it got me living aligned with my values, and I was bolstered by a kind of self love and self esteem that comes from having the courage to let go even when it hurts. Choosing to love and respect myself and my needs even when someone else won't... especially because someone else won't. It had a surprising impact on him, over time. It's been about 3 months I think since I left. He wants to work at this and partner with me, go figure. I'm sure many nons here have experienced the phenomenon of their mate turning the hyperfocus back to them under threat if leaving. That's not exactly what seems to be going on, though maybe similar. The difference is, it's not a threat that might be actualized, I made it a fact and a new condition of our interactions. I'm Over Here. In my own space and lifestyle. I don't need him to do or be a certain thing, because whether he does or doesn't I go to sleep in my own bed in my own place. I keep my own schedule. I prioritize my own priorities and if he wants to be a part of all that he has no choice but to compromise his own agenda. I'm not there being impacted by what he does or doesn't do. It's different if you're married and have a kid, it gets very complicated. But don't forget, I did all the things I mentioned in that other post while still living with him, then while living apart, then breaking up. It was a progression. Now I still do them as we start over, in a way. I said I cantgoback, and that's true that I can't and won't go back to what I left. If there is something new on offer, time will tell. Either way I'm doing very well, because I am firmly rooted in what is actually good for me instead of what makes my life miserable.
So far, whats it look like? He's courting me, but not in hyperfocus. He's living his own life and wanting to be a part of mine. He's offering continued, valued practical support to me, and I to him where I can in a healthy way. Conflicts have arisen, and I have seen a marked difference in how the communication plays out, there is definitely improvement and an absence of the more destructive elements that persisted before. WAYYYYY less defensiveness from him. A much higher degree of emotional availability in conflict and a noticeable uptick in his efforts to co-create solutions.
How is this possible? I don't know, I don't know what he's doing to address his side of things. I know its not therapy or medication. I don't care what he does as long as the end result is appropriate for what could generally be called "healthy conflict resolution". So far not bad.
I continue to work on my own side of things, that's a process of enlightenment that never ends.
I have made it clear that I will NOT be a passenger in his life, strapped in for a ride to wherever he wants to go and however he chooses to drive (figuratively , although this applies literally as well). I will only participate in an adult, co-created lifestyle, now and in the long term. So for now, that means I don't compromise on my non-negotiables, and for the long term that means I won't compromise on my non-negotiables. What happens down the line is not as important to me as what is happening now, and what is happening now is he is not crapping all over my life, he's actually enhancing it. But we remain separate in our living situations, and our overall lifestyle. I read here on the forum that some adhd/non couples thrive living separately, maybe so. We are not in a full on relationship, we are not in a full on breakup. If anything we are engaging in remodeling and reconstruction, at an easy pace. The terms for entering a long term partnership are much more clear to me now, I didn't know what I was getting into initially before it appeared he has adhd. I think that is common. So I'm starting as I mean to continue instead of getting snookered by unforseen problems. Entering back into a partnership with me will require certain standards of behavior which he seems to be clear on (and most importantly, I am clear. ) Whatever the outcome, I won't return to a powerstruggle so I'm not worried, I won't end up hamstrung by his adhd because I am no longer hamstrung. I'm good. I am already free.
So your situation is different. But I think the elements and the journey to healthy dynamics are pretty similar. Look after yourself. Withdraw. Detach! Let that horse decide if he's thirsty or not, just make sure you have clear water yourself and don't pay any mind to whether he's drinking or not. He will do what he wants to do, whether that's involve himself in personal growth or just roll around in manure, let it be all him. You can do a lot of self care while still in the situation. Develop boundaries, develop a plan for how you want to live your life with or without him, but focus on what is in your control and work on releasing what is not. It is a PROCESS not an event to leave or stay. Focus on the preparation of yourself for your healthy future, whatever you may eventually decide, live for you NOW.
I had a sponsor in a codependency recovery program tell me one time... "We will not discuss whether or not to leave the marriage for six months. It's not a topic I will allow. For six months we will only talk about your issues, your process, your growth, your self care, your dysfunction, your strengths, your side of this."
Best advice ever from her, was to stop trying to make a decision and to instead get myself ready to make a decision by stopping what I should stop, and starting what I should start. When decision time came, I had what it took to follow through and deal with my decision. The first critical step is to bolster your strength and wellness, your awareness of your own assets and liabilities (figurative and practical), your ability to take good care of your needs and create boundaries.... all of it. Get yourself to the best place possible as an individual and THEN weigh the relationship. Don't do it backwards, make a decision and then scramble to follow through and survive. Get yourself as close to thriving as you can, inside yourself, FIRST. Don't weigh the relationship when you feel weak, confused, and desperate. Get your feet under you first. Detach from him and observe. Try not to react, just observe and take note of what you need to do for you no matter what he does. Again, easier said than done. But practice it.
That's my advice anyway, take it with a grain of salt if it doesn't resonate. The idea is, you can't build a relationship when you're broken. You can't REBUILD one that you're in when you're broken either. First things first, nurture yourself in every meaningful way.
Working on you
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I'm sorry about this.
You can't really be expected to save the relationship by working on yourself when your ADHD partner is in denial. I feel it's not even morally ok to burden you with that task.
I would suggest searching for an escape route. Just so you know it's there.
No ciriticism
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Sorry if I came across as critical of suggestions above. Hadn't read the whole thread. Of course it's invaluable to practice self care in order to deal with it all.
And you weren't....
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
And definitely not critical at all. I appreciate it
And then what?
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
Thanks Swedish, I've been following you and I appreciate you taking the time to chime in. I know some of your story that you shared but can you tell me when you got to the point of no return and you pulled the trigger??
I'm currently talking to a divorce lawyer but it needed not go as far as that yet, just a fact finding mission
Doctor’s orders
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Hello Off the roller,
Well in my case, I was so intent on saving the marriage, it wasn't until my GP told me I had to let go, that I filed for divorce.
I guess I needed the affirmation from someone authorized to free me of t responsibility for a partner deep in psychiatric illness. Everyone had left the decision to me, but I wasn't able to make it myself.
So I truly understand how difficult this decision can be.
Best of luck to you.
Thank you
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
All, thank you so much for your responses. They have really helped to comfort me as I work through this and figure out what I want to do. I have therapy tomorrow and I think its going to be a sit down with the husband and tell him that I've had enough. I don't really use "I" statements enough because I find them super hard to put my feelings, needs and wants to the table. I want to write back to each of you but wanted to say thanks.
moving from the hurt/anger/rage to the constructive communicatio
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
Thank you to everyone who posted here and gave some amazing and practical suggestions. I think my next question is what I'm struggling with the most: I know there's an issue, it's pretty big, and it's bigger than just our once-off fights (which are actually representative of how bad it's gotten between us but we don't talk about ANYTHING or even just talk about US or communicate or anything) .....how did you all go about moving from the feelings of hopelessness and despair and started moving on the track that you chose? I know there are different tracks to choose, I am having trouble finding out which one(s) to take.
Some things that are helping/have helped:
any other suggestions on how to move forward into the next stage/space of whatever it may be?
Is he participating
Submitted by adhd32 on
You cannot "save" a relationship on your own. Your partner needs to examine himself and make sustained changes so you can grow together. Is he in 100% or do you feel as though you are dragging a 12 year old boy out to buy a new confirmation suit with all the sighing and cantankerousness when you bring up subjects he doesn't want to discuss? To get to the next step, you must first ask yourself if he cannot dedicate himself to your shared broken relationship, do you want to spend the rest of your days like this. You are not his caretaker. Who is taking care of you?