Anyone here who can share their experience of being the non-ADHD and if reading the book and doing the non-ADHD partner support group helped them in the long run? And I'm not talking about if it saved your marriage or relationship....I'm talking about for YOU specifically. Did it help you get to a better place for yourself and perhaps a knock on effect was your kids? And creating a better environment for them too?
Essentially, I have the book (haven't been able to read it yet because my therapist was like 'tread carefully') and I'm considering the partner support group - I can tell that I really need the tailored, non- support communities as I refuse to do the work on the marriage bc he's not doing it. |But it's affecting my son and ultimately, I have to still work on myself. Even if I left tomorrow, I'd still feel this anger and hurt and upset because of everything.
We just got back from a lovely trip away that was slightly marred by our triggers and responses and it's clear to me that I have more work to do on my own.
It's been a few of those days where my judgment is so clouded by hurt, frustration and confusion and want to choose a path to work on it, but would like to know more information about those paths (i.e if I'm gonna spend the money on that support group, I'd like to make sure that I get something out of it for ME and me alone)
I’m not in the support group
Submitted by honestly on
But I have read the book. I wasn't going to answer as my experience is limited by this but here goes. The book is helpful. You can see that circumstances and dynamics that had felt like individual and specific to you turn out to be shared by many people. There's a clearing of the vision- the lights go on. But I find it really hard to implement the advice as I for one am arriving at this new knowledge at a time when my patience and understanding are utterly exhausted and the book's advice is to find more patience and understanding. To pick your moments to speak (when in our case there are no good moments with RSD, and it doesn't land anyway because of inattention). I think, too, it could do with expanding. There is an assumption that there will have been a nagging, belittling approach from the non ADHD partner. I for one just picked up the extra workload - driving, cooking, cleaning, DIY, child care, and supporting his work directly too - and idolized him. I allowed myself to believe that he and his vocation (he's an artist) were more important than my needs. And then I started to do some work on my self and that's when the dynamic shifted - very uncomfortably for him - as I came to see my needs were valid and I was burned out. So yes, the book is useful, but I think it would have been more useful to me a decade ago when I still had some energy left. If you do, then definitely try it. Xx
experience with book and support group
Submitted by fancycow on
I have read the book and found it very helpfu - it was the first ADHD book that I read (my husband and child are very newly diagnosed), and it really made me feel seen. I feel like there are very few books out there that are written for the non-ADHD partner, so I found this one very valuable. My husband has unfortunately not read it, I feel like our dynamic would work a little better if he actually took the time to engage with me about it.
I also just finished my first session in the support groups. Again, it made me feel very seen - many of the people were in the same boat as me. Also I really appreciated the participants who have been handling and coping with ADHD for a long time and what they have done in their relationships that have helped (and not helped). I liked the variation of people (4 countries represented in our small group) and lots of helpful information. I think I'll take a break before doing another one in order to allow the information to seep in a little and see if any changes made by me can make a difference in our family unit.
Good luck, it feels really hard right now. I totally get that.