Divorce from my severe ADD husband has come to a pause.
I wonder at my own feelings. I started this divorce. I know I need to finish it. Still what dominates is an urge to reach out for him. Intimately.
He panicked the last couple of weeks. He accused me of horrible things. He was highly aggressive. He said that my feelings, and our agreements, mean nothing to him. Now, he seems to have regained some hope or other. He's then returned to being soft spoken, humble and kind.
I see this and think: he's coping poorly. He's the most loyal, the most devoted, but also gravely dysfunctional. The true nature of our love is simultaneously the best imaginable and the worst.
I do love him. I intend to keep it secret. It just breaks my heart, more than anything else in this. I don't want this divorce.
Be good to yourself
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
As much as my ex hurt me over the years, watching his pain when I finally pulled the trigger was heartbreaking. A few things I did to push through:
- I had a physical list of reasons why our marriage was unhealthy to remind myself how bad things were when proceedings got hard.
- I familiarized myself with the stages of grief and could see my husband going through them predictably. This helped me empathize (from a distance) when he was in denial or angry or bargaining without being swayed or drawn into it.
-I put distance between us during the process so I could focus on me and our child as much as possible and not influenced by his journey and emotions.
You are in an incredibly difficult time. You so obviously care so much and have so much love in your heart. Be kind to yourself. I forget if you're in therapy, but if so, this is the time to double down on it to make sure you're honouring your needs above all else.
Thinking of you. ♥️
Thank you Melody
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you so much for being there for me. ❤️
Second thoughts
Submitted by sickandtired on
I feel so sad for you. I know you are searching desperately to find and keep the things that made you fall in love with him. I had second thoughts too soon after I told my adhd boyfriend of over 11 years that it was over. Part of it was guilt seeing him cry and suffer and say he would be destitute without me. Part of it was also my fear of being alone. I was accustomed to being part of a couple, not totally on my own.
I took him back, and just a few weeks later I regretted it. He went right back to his angry, controlling, paranoid ways plus he resented me for breaking up with him the first time.
I did pretty much the same with my first husband... took him back after I found out he was cheating on me. The same thing happened, after he got comfortable that we were still together, he went right back to his cheating lying disrespectful ways plus he blamed me for leaving him in the first place.
Breaking up from someone with such behavior and perception problems is always messy, and the first attempts at getting out are way beyond our comfort zones naturally.
When I finally got out of both of these relationships for good I felt like a different person.... physically AND emotionally free.
Melody gave you some great advice. Please don't forget what led you to want out in the first place.
You’re right
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Yes. You are right. There is no way this relationship can continue. Your experiences ring very true to me.
I'm emotionally more confused than ever before. Rage, humiliation and sadness race through me hour by hour. I know that it's possible to emerge gracefully on the other side of divorce, as your example shows. I just don't seem to understand it in my present state.
I don't have an attitude in store for his treachery. I only have a trusting one, it's useless. Life is impossible.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your insights with me.
Emotional confusion
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I have never been so low as going through my divorce. :( I can't tell you how much I want to hug you because I know how empty and hopeless it feels. So many times I was tempted to just take it all back. I could end my husband's pain. I wouldn't have to sell the home I loved. I wouldn't have to move our child. Split assets. Face the unknown future. I was so weak and exhausted though... and I knew that I would never have the strength to leave him again if I didn't do it this time so I just kept going. Honestly society acts like divorce is NBD, but it is dreadful even when the marriage was terrible.
I can say I'm happy I persevered and I can't imagine that I could have found happiness for myself if I had stayed. I'd already tried it all to make the marriage work. If I'd relented I might have had the momentary relief of not having to do the hard things, but I also know nothing would have changed in my marriage because change had to come from him and he'd shown me over and over that it wasn't ever going to happen.
You are in the absolute worst of it right now. It will take a while, but you will feel better. You'll soon be able to disconnect from the influence of his emotions. When things start falling into place for your new life, you'll feel better still. It might take a year or two if I'm being honest, but you will thank yourself a thousand times over. I'm so sorry, Swedish Coast.
Today I fight
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you Melody. Today I resume this. I don't care how hard it will be, I'll press through it. Divorce is literally the only thing I haven't tried to make things better.
Im so grateful for your presence.
Giving you strength
Submitted by sickandtired on
We who have been there and fought for our own mental and physical well being and freedom are behind you! You are stronger than you think, and you can do this! In my darkest times through both my divorce and breakup, I kept hoping that this time next year, I would have a new peaceful life, and I would look back on this difficult time of struggle as a temporary pain that was necessary for the greater long term good.... a new life where I am in control of my own destiny. So much better than being held down by someone with mental illness.
Welcome to the first day of your quest for freedom and a peaceful, healthy life. I know you can do this.
Thank you Sickandtired
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you so much for your support. It helps me through today. Congratulations on your achievement of freedom.
Awwww Swedish - virtual hugs
Submitted by Elliej on
Swedish. Ive been in and out checking, to see if you posted. Remember love was never the issue here, you love him. Of course you do, you married him and created children together. You are right at the start, im afraid to say. It may also get worse.
Ive questioned this week whether our kinds of relationships are co-dependant and abusive, making the separation and divorce even worse. I tell myself im going against my natural instincts to nurture, protect and support my ex....he is also breaking down. Instead i reached out to his family to tell them he needs help and they have to step up. Perhaps you coukd do this. I told him he needs therapy (which he has now finally sorted in the last 2months because HE needs it. He failed to sort it when i needed him to at multiple points in the marriage). I occassionally check in to see how he is, but equally he needs to learn to be without me.
Melody, as always, gave great advice. Therapy, journal, lean on friends. Journalling helps as when you read it back you think.....oh my god.
Thank you
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you Elliej. Your support is so much appreciated.
There's no excuse for how he's behaved lately. I have no reason to provide any more support for him in the future.