My husband and my son both have adhd. My son was a huge handful to raise. We worked 100x harder raising him than we did our daughter. We managed to keep him on track fairly well while he lived with us throughout grade school. After he left for college (10 hours away) he became a drug addict. Two years ago he took LSD and went into a deep state of psychosis. He stayed in psychosis for several months and spent 20 days in a mental hospital. He has relapsed several times since then and had another bout of psychosis after using edibles. As you can imagine, it's been a chaotic nightmare.
He's now 23 years old and currently living and working 25 miles from where I live with my husband. I feel the need for some physical boundaries from the chaos that my son has the ability to create. I want to keep the code to the entry door of our house private. I can set up a temporary code from my phone and give him access at any time. I just don't want him to have unlimited access without my knowledge. My husband has shamed me and tried to make me feel guilty for this decision.
What do you think? Am I being unreasonable by wanting and needing some physical boundaries?
Boundaries
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
You have every right to set those boundaries and, in my opinion, should. Particularly if you pair that with being very responsive to his requests to come over to your house when appropriate.
First step is to set up (another) meeting with your husband and hash this out. Tell him that you both wish to support your son in the best possible way, while also protecting yourselves as each of you needs to do. You personally need to have confidence that your sone, who has had so many incidents, is not in your home without your knowledge (if that's the reason) and you will be much better to deal with him when you are together if you don't have the constant strain of wondering whether or not he will just show up, and in what shape. Kindness coupled with boundaries can provide a strong, supportive framework for a young man who probably still needs that from those who care.
Your husband (and you) can show special attention to your son and reassure him that he is loved by taking him out; checking in with regularly; chatting by text; sending funny pictures; listening to your son's concerns as they are offered; going to sports games; having him over when it makes sense; etc etc. Allowing unfettered access to your home is much less meaningful than the connections that can be strengthened.
Follow your heart and gut on this one. Maybe over time your approach will change...or maybe it will not. Either is fine.
Many thanks!
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
Thank you so much for your response!! I shared it with my husband and he was very open to your input. I really appreciate your support more than you know!!
Yes
Submitted by Quercus McGurkus on
Hi Hopeful Heart,
I am so sorry for the pain and distress you are goi g through. It's very difficult to see someone you love hurting.
I don't want to come across as arrogant. I'll share what my family had to do and maybe it will help. I hope so.
I have ADHD and bi-polar disorder. My paternal uncle is bi-polar and a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. My dad was clinically depressed and while never diagnosed exhibited bi-polar symptoms. My mom, also not diagnosed, shows ADHD symptoms. My little brother is a addict, bi-polar, ADHD, and very paranoid.
My brother has been homeless off and on for the last 20 years. Both my parents and I tried to give him money, rent apartments or houses, pay for moves across country to get him away from friends, etc. He would always find more addicts and invite them to his place and inevitably lose the place. It was an endless exhausting cycle. Mom wanted more boundaries. I was clueless about what to do . Dad was sad and wanted to rescue my brother. Then he would get very angry at us or my brother.
All that to say, we were forced to set very hard boundaries to protect my parents and my family. Dad died two years ago so I've been able to help Mom set boundaries that allow for contact and love while still being safe. What mom and I say, when we can find him and when he contacts us, is that we love him but his lifestyle and choices keep us apart. He cannot come to our homes. We will go to him if he is in a safe neighborhood. Mom used to drive through very sketchy parts of town looking for him. She and I talked and I told her that scared me for her and I'd rather she not do that but I'd respect her decision to do so. She doesn't do that anymore. We don't give him cash. We will buy groceries or take him out to eat or buy clothes but no cash. We don't bail him out of jail. We will go to court and we will pick him up when he gets out. We've looked at rehab places and given him choices. He will not go.
The whole whole doing this we tell him we love him and want him off street drugs, on meds, and safe. I don't really care how he looks or smells or anything. He's my little brother. I do want my family and my mom safe from any addict friends.
He's taken it pretty hard. Lots of anger and guilt. We've had no contact for the past 6 weeks and have no idea where he is or how he is.
I'm not very good at boundaries myself but the little I know says that it's important to set them, there is no guilt or shame in setting them, and that boundaries are showing the other person love.
When I was undiagnosed and unmedicated there were times I was off the rails. I made decisions that are impacting my family now. Im doing better now but my wife is struggling with how to handle the past and my actions.
She read a book on boundaries and set some firm ones. Meds have to be taken on time. Counseling and therapy are attended regularly with the only excuse being work or illness. Irritation and anger will not be uncontrolled but handled in a healthy way are a few. To be honest I pushed back at first but now see them as good. I really like the medicated level me but our relationship is very rocky. Not because of the boundaries though.
So long story short it sounds like your boundaries are healthy and logical. I've been on both sides of that fence and can say it's the hardest thing to set those boundaries. My brother could not come to dad's burial or funeral or say good bye.
I hope you all can find a way forward. It's a very tough and lonely road to walk when a family member struggles with addiction. There might be support groups for families in your area or maybe a counselor and therapist you and your husband can see.
All the best to you and your family.
I can relate
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! While I would never want anyone to go through the nightmare of addiction, it's nice that we are able to encourage each other with our experiences. My heart breaks for your brother, you and your mother. Your brother is so fortunate to have you in his life. I hope and pray that he finds his way out of his situation.
Set those boundaries ASAP!
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
My husband (ADHD partner) has a drug addict brother, and he would NOT set boundaries with him for YEARS. He let him live with us, employed him and generally enabled his lifestyle. I was in absolute crisis mode because I didn't trust his brother, didn't want him living in our home or around our children who were very little at the time. My husband accused me of being heartless and selfish and not caring about anyone but myself. His brother stole tools and money and even a vehicle from us. His drug dealers showed up at our house - IN A NICE NEIGHBORHOOD- with my children and myself inside, took my husband to an ATM at gunpoint to get money out to prevent them from "hurting" him (and to this day I would not be surprised if his brother put them up to it, knowing how much compassion my husband had for him), forcing my husband to press charges to get the money and things returned or reimbursed and he STILL couldn't see how he was enabling this. It just about (and probably should have) ended our marriage.
Override your husband with absolutely no apologies. Drug addictions are not something that is safe to mess with.