Is possessiveness normal?

For almost a year now my ADHD husband has become literally glued to me.  If I want to go out with a friend or even my mother I get a massive guilt trip or met with an angry response and typically I give in and simply don't go.  He wants to ride to work together everyday if possible.  If I decide to go to bed early to read or watch a show he immediately starts locking up and heads to bed with me.  If he is going to bed he locks up and turns things off under the assumption that I am going to bed as well.  If he has to work late and I am home alone for the evening (which is such a rare occasion) he comes in all depressed and upset that he wasn't home with me the entire time.  All of this means that any time to myself is a very, very rare thing.  This just makes me more and more resentful of him and leads me to find any reason I can to get away even if for an hour.  We are also having issues with touching.  He touches me all of the time.  In the car he is either rubbing my leg or playing with my hair.  In bed he is rubbing on me or literally laying on me or has to be touching me in some way.  I love affection as much as the next person but it becomes such an aggravation at times.  I am just curious if this is normal?  Is this a common issue for couples dealing with ADHD or should I be looking for other reasons for his behavior?  

Forums: 

I might be,

I might be wrong but isn't touching touching all the time is a sign of sexual harassment,I know that you are both married but if you don't want it at the the moment ,or it is constant like you stated, I am not so sure and might be wrong, but those touchy behaviors could be sexual related problems.I haven't reached that stage as yet, but, even being married or with someone that could happen too.

Not sure

Lost-

I'm not sure whether the constant touching is normal, but my ADD husband behaves this way, too. I find myself feeling very annoyed by it, and when I say something like "I wish you wouldn't play with my hair right now, I just styled it" or "Please don't rub my shoulder when I'm driving--it distracts me," he gets offended and says "Geez, sorry--I was just trying to do something nice for you." Sometimes he says this in a joking way, but it's never light hearted--it always feels like a jab. And even though I have explained that it's only nice if it's something we both want, it has not sunken in b/c we're still having these issues. Also, when he needs attention and I'm not giving it to him (never intentionally withholding, but if I'm reading or something), he'll poke or tickle me in a sibling kind of way, definitely not a lover kind of way, and I've explained that this doesn't make me want to get close to him...but still, this is where we are.

If you find a strategy to effectively deal with this, please share!

Kisa's picture

Needing to know I'm there

My guy does this as well.  It's odd...because if he chooses to be beside me at a gathering I need to be the one that makes sure I'm touching him...or else he accuses me of not wanting to let others in the room know we are together. However...if he decides he wants to go hangout out and have a smoke with the boys and I'm left behind, then I best not be talking to anyone, especially a guy because I would be looking for another lover.  In bed he has to touch me to go to sleep and if I make a comment that I'm uncomfortable or want to move that is me not showing him I love him.  And the one that I found very interesting, is that if I were to wake before him and decided I was going to get up, I would need to wake him up to telling him I was getting out of bed.  If I didn't, look out! He felt that if I got out of bed without him it would mean that I was going to be one the phone or online chatting with someone else.  And the ironic part of it all is that he has cheated on me several times.

Like you I would love the see an effective strategy for dealing with this!

Kisa,

When someone accuses you all the time of doing something wrong is because they are doing the same exact thing! I don't know if that goes with ADHD people as well,. but those are the statistics,and I too cannot come off the bed unless he is fully awake also,I find this to be very paralyzing to the bed,on Sunday morning I got up at around 8:30 am in the morning, and I had the tommy flew, and could not go back to bed,so I proceed to clean up the kitchen,and he burst through the kitchen doors with anger and tantrums telling me"why aren't you in bed,and you are out here cleaning the fuc***g kitchen"I got so shaky and nervous that I had to explain to him why I got off bed,then he went back to bed,and obviously, I had to go back to bed, even though I did not want to and I was paralyzed till 12 noon.I felt so uncomfortable,and the only reason I did it was to avoid arguments or fights.You have a lot of love for him, to be cheated on and still with him,I would have been gone long time,even though I did had a close encounter with him,but,right now presently I am setting up spy cameras in his room,b/c I don't live with him,,, and I am afraid of AIDS! and other sexual transmitted diseases,even though all this has happened to you before,and you are still with him,chances are that he would do it again,be careful,and good luck!

god bless

from"lovehurts.

Kisa's picture

Thank you lovehurts

Thank you for your care and concern.  I am in some strange ways glad to hear that someone else has experienced this.  And I do know what that flurry of anger coming at you looks like, I know the first time I did that I thought I was being nice to not wake him and just get up and quietly go about my day.  The one thing I learned quickly was to never say I was trying to be nice because that word would set him off.  I am however no longer with him.  We were trying to work things out through counselling but you are correct, I am sure he is doing it again...and I'm sorry but I am worth more than that!

I am sorry to hear Kisa,

I am sorry to hear Kisa, that things did not work out for you and your spouse,but,hang in there, be strong, and remember that we are all here for you in these blogs/forums, and never blame yourself for the relationship being apart,you did your best I'm very certain,and "YES" you are worth more than that,, and a whole "lot" more.Go and find comfort in friends and relatives,start to socialize,have some great laughs, and you would see,"he would be your cries of yesterday,, and today without him, would be your joys".I have to write that down and repeat that to myself everyday also.

god bless

from:lovehurts.

Kisa and lovehurts,  I mean

Kisa and lovehurts,  I mean this in the most compassionate way...God gave you your own brain.   He intends for you to use it.  God made the day for you...You are allowed to get out of bed to enjoy it.  Don't you dare let anyone tell you when you can wake up or move for that matter.  You both have been in your relationships too long...you can't even see the beauty and strength you have to offer the world anymore.  If I could reach through this computer I would hug you and tell you to run as fast as you can out the door.  I don't even know you and I know you are worth more than that.  Life is so precious and so short.  It does not matter if he has ADHD, it does not matter if you think that no one else will love you, it doesn't matter if you love him with all your heart and soul.  You are individuals put on this planet to make a mark.  No one has a right to tell you that you can not make that mark.  If you are not leaving or not approaching him because you are afraid of him, tell your doctor or your minister or anyone who will not tell him.  Ask them where you can get help.  These issues that have been brought up in this forum are serious issues and need to be treated that way.  We could all give you our opinions and advice but you need someone with the experience and resources to help you.  

Lovehurts,  I have been blogging with you for about a month now.  You have the kindest heart and the warmest wishes for everyone.  If I could just jump through this computer and kidnap you so you could see what your life should be like, I would do it in an instant.  Save your money that you would spend on cameras, save the time you would spend watching the videos, take that time and that money and go on a vacation far away from everyone who influences you.  Love yourself love yourself love yourself!!!!!!!!  Let God deal with him...sounds like He is the only one that can.  

My heart goes out to both of you,

not defined

lovehurts, I have been

lovehurts,

I have been reading posts on this site for weeks now. You do seem like a good person, full of care and concern for others. I don't know you, and can only react to what you have written here...

you should not be with someone who abuses you, and what you describe is physical, verbal, and emotional abuse, pure and simple. no one should be controlling you through fear, making you stay in bed when you want to get up, chasing you, choking you. it is against the law. it is assault. 

please get out.  

YOU ARE NOT A POSSESSION.  It

YOU ARE NOT A POSSESSION.  It really doesn't matter if it is ADHD that is causing this behavior.  Put an end to it.  How long have you been married?  Trust me, one day you'll be married long enough to realize that "in love" is very different than "true love".  When a couple has "true love"  they have mutual respect for each other.  He is not showing respect to you.  If he understands your concerns and he does not try to change his behavior, he thinks he owns you.  If he understands your concerns and continues to work on changing, then you have to cut him some slack but know your limits.  If he doesn't know your concerns, address it.  Let him decide if it is his ADHD.  Like I said above, it doesn't matter what it is, just as long as he stops it.  Be loving but BE SMART.   This goes for all the ladies below who have replied to your forum, too.  

thanks to you all,

thanks to all of you,but,I am not ready to to leave him just yet,even though he is the bad,abusive,husband, that I have described him to be, he is at times very sweet and wonderful not always bad!.I am still giving it the benefit of the doubt, and doing researches,and trying to come up with ways to succumb to our misunderstandings,but,only till then I am going to continue to try and save my marriage,I was indeed married before at a very tender age, and I blame the divorce of my first husband on our youth.I have never loved no other man the way that I love my current husband, in spite of all the things I am going through with him, and I know he is also in love with me the same,but, we are being controlled by ADHD and the effects of it.So what do I do till then? "try" and that is all I can really do and if it is still affecting us and nothing is being done on his part,then I will proceed to move on by force! I too have to also change certain things in me,and work on myself also not only him! thanks again everyone!!! I appreciate all of your concerns,and I am happy to have people who don't even know me personally,,, care so much.

from:lovehurts. 

I admire your commitment

Dear lovehurts,

I truly admire your commitment to your husband and your marriage.  He is very blessed to have you.  I still worry about your concern that he is cheating and could pick up a transmittable disease that could kill you.  Please be cautious and get tested and make sure he does too.  I don't know how you would approach someone to ask that but it is so important.  I am a stranger but I do care. 

God Bless you both,

Not Defined

not difined,

I do have faith in god above all things, and the truth remains is that I have been talking to him about sexual translated desesess,and he undersatands my concerns for us both,one main reason is his high sex drive,not a day would pass that he cannot dismiss sexual thoughts,which when I am not around he proceeds to do so with pronography, and even when I was next to him last night he proceeded,my only hurt to this is having fantasies of other women and I am right there,he has no respect for me at all.I am praying all this will go away with him only wanting to change and starts tyreatment.

god bless

lovrhurts.

I cannot relate

lovehurts,  I can not relate to what you are going through.  And, because I've never had an experience like yours, I just don't understand.  I hope he finds treatment and I hope you can heal from the hurt he has caused you.  

Much love goes out to you,

not defined

not defined,thanks again,

I would never be able to heal from the hurt he has put me through,but I just try and move forward,I know how it is to love and what that means to me but,apparently he would never know until he gets his ah/ha moment and I hope he does soon.