One of my biggest problems with my husband, who I suspect has ADHD, is that when I express annoyance for something he's done that I think I have good reason to be annoyed by, he just gets angry at me for it rather than apologizing and owning up to it. I guess it's the defensiveness/denial at play, but it makes me question myself so much and I can't decide if I'm being too hard on him or if he's being manipulative. I often wish there was some impartial third party to "arbitrate" our discussions (usually arguments, really) and tell me whether I'm being unreasonable or not, because he makes me feel like I am. Deep down I don't think it's true, but he makes me question myself so much.
For example, last night he asked me to take him to the grocery store after work. I've been driving him to/from his part-time job for the past couple of months due to his license being revoked for a DUI. His job is in another town, so I leave my own job early and wait for him to work his shift before driving us both home. Luckily my job is flexible enough that I can work remotely from a coffee shop while I'm waiting for him, but the whole situation is extremely stressful and I've given up most of my free time in the evenings as a result of it. Anyway, on the drive back into town last night he asked to stop at the grocery store to pick up a few things, because he doesn't get out much without a license. I am understanding of this, but after spending so much time waiting for him while he's at work, most nights all I want to do is go straight home. Knowing this, he assured me that he wouldn't let it turn into an hour-long shopping trip (his exact words). After hanging out in the magazine aisle, and then waiting in the car, I was fairly annoyed when he did indeed spend over an hour in the store, and I expressed this to him when he got in the car. He said he'd lost track of time and that he was "in a daze" in the store, but never apologized or acknowledged that I might have good reason to be frustrated by the situation. He just got mad at me for getting mad at him and it turned into a huge argument that seemed totally unnecessary.
There are myriad other examples, this is just the most recent. When I try to express my wants/needs/concerns related to anything that remotely indicates dissatisfaction with something he's done, his reactions are so heated that I just end up feeling emotionally beat up instead of listened to, which causes me to lash out at him even more. I'll get so overloaded with pure frustration that I'll go crazy and lose control of myself, which seems to reinforce his view that I'm at fault. Then I'm left feeling confused, resentful, ashamed, and manipulated.
I know this type of thing has probably been covered in other forum posts, but there's no search box that I can find and I can't read through all of them to find the relevant ones. I just wonder if I'm onto something -- is he manipulating me? If so, is there an effective way to deal with it? I appreciate any insights that people have.
I feel for you!
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I don't have an answer for you, just want you to know I get the same thing from my husband. He doesn't go to work for days, I get angry at him, he turns it right around on me and gets angry at me for being angry at him when I should be sympathetic to the fact that his daughter no longer wants anything to do with him and his friend, who he hasn't seen in over 30 years, just died. I need to give the guy time and space to figure out what to do. Hey buddy, the world doesn't stop just because you have issues and apparently you think your issues are 10 times worse than anyone else's!. My dad died when I was 14. Do you think I got 3 weeks off of school to "get my thoughts together"? No. He died on a Saturday, we had the funeral on the following Tuesday and I was back in school on Wednesday. But he feels the need to take weeks off to process this friend's death. How would he react if it was someone he actually still interacted with?
This sounds very familiar.
Submitted by soconfused on
Yes! Instead of acknowledging that I might be justified in my anger, he uses it as a ploy for sympathy and immediately pulls out all these reasons why he can't do better and how hard he has it and how terrible his life is. Which is basically true, but a lot of it is stuff he's brought on himself (e.g., the DUI). He gets so caught up in his own suffering that he can't seem to really understand that other people are suffering too, and it's not all about him. He is totally focused on his own problems and has a really hard time seeing past them to the experiences of others.
My mother has observed that he seems to lack "resilience", which sounds kind of like your husband. When bad things happen, he has a really hard time coping and moving on. I wonder if this is a symptom of ADHD along with the anger/denial/self-focus?
Thanks!
And this is why it is so hard
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
And this is why it is so hard for me to confront him on just about anything that upsets me. He doesn't listen to me or dismisses how I'm feeling because his life is so much worse. I need to "chill out" or "stop nagging". His coworkers are idiots, his manager is a jerk, the whole blowup with his daughter he sees as him doing nothing wrong and she's just turning him into the bad guy (even though he has done SO much to alienate her) and everyone is against him. Well maybe it's becasue YOU are the jerk in just about every scenario! He even blamed his job on his friend's death, his dad's death and his daughter not talking to him! One bad thing happens and he can't work or do anything other than drink and play video games and try and figure out what his next move should be while taking 3 weeks off of work! It's excuse after excuse!
My guess
Submitted by Karinda on
Is that when you read these posts five years from now your only thoughts will be: Why didn't I leave him sooner? Why didn't I seek counselling for my self right away? Why did I spend so much energy on a hopeless mission?
i don't intend to be rude but I have a hard time understanding your unwillingness to see the reality. He will never make you happy, he is not capable. Open your eyes!