Hi, I have been in a Relationship for 8 months, My partner is living with ADHD because we are in a relationship we are living with it together. I love my man. I really do but there is a lot of conflict and confusion in our relationship. I have read about ADHD.
Mess, thats ok I can clean its no big deal, Forgetting things, thats ok I will not point them out or make them too big.
My partner does have a past thing, which I do not want to discuss but it took alot of understanding on my part and real soul searching to come to terms with and accept, He then betrayed me and did the same thing that had caused alot of trouble for him and he had lost all but 1 of his friends. we went and spoke to someone about this problem and he was extremely defensive and it seemed he didn't take responsibility for his actions and certainly didnt understand why I was upset about this. This issue caused me major anxiety. We had gone to see our relationship councilor and he basically said "Marcus walked out of their as if he was perfect and had nothing to work on." This issue continues to be a threat to all he has worked for. Its tough cause after all this rightly or wrongly I still stand by him.
We have a lot of trouble communicating which causes conflicts to escalate, problems to remain unresolved and a lot of confusion he will talk about something and give 3 or so different versions of events etc. We go through a pastern of conflict me wanting to work things out by talking them through, He then withdraws, wont communicate at all blames me for everything, were fine for a few weeks then things blow up and the circle begins again, Things don't seem to get resolved.
He says he wants forever and so do I sometimes i feel hopeful other times not at all.
I like to communicate and love a good conversation,I am an open book to him, I am completely upfront and honest but I don't get the same. my partner communicates facts current affairs etc but doesn’t communicate on a personal level. As a result of this I feel like I don’t really know him. I feel unheard, at times uncared for and often dismissed. We have had a lot of arguments and whenever We try to talk through them and resolve them It feels like they get worse as I do not feel that he understands me or wants to listen. He has made a number of hurtful comments and when I ask what he means he completely shuts down and won’t talk. He is free to express what ever opinion he likes but if mine is different he takes that as an attack on him and he feels that I am telling him he is wrong.
He has made some comments which has made me question our relationship and his values. Some have been scary, some have been really hurtful and some just confusing. This said we have been in counselling to try and work through this stuff but more often than not it seems to escalate into an argument and leaves us sometimes even further apart. He feels that if we have a different opinion on something he feels like I want to make him change his mind, or that I am saying that he is wrong, which can make him turn aggressive.
One day after telling me he loves and needs me a day or so later he told me he didn’t need me and that he “just said that to try and bring us closer”. This really hurt and made / makes me second guess everything he says.
I pointed out that we would have a better relationship if we communicated better and also explained my feelings of feeling unheard and that my thoughts and feelings go ignored. After a session of councelling he tells me that he will work on his communication and withdrawing, Then nothing for a month. I ask again if he would like to do a course, He tells me that he has made enough changes and that he is not going to make more. Then the half an hour later he is booking us in for a course. Now were booked in he says that he thinks our communication is fine. I am really not sure if we are gonna get anything out of this.??
Its so tough we do not have a sex life its just so tough.
I am feeling hurt and resentful right now as I have tried to be there whenever he needed me. He broke his foot and I ran after him for 6 weeks ensuring that he was easily able to get to appointments and made sure shopping etc was done and that he was able to relax and recover. There was also the past thing that unfortunately is still affecting him. I have been as supportive as anyone could be. It took a lot to come to terms with this and I put myself on the line whenever something new related to this arose. But after counseling and attempts to discuss and resolve problems we are no closer to resolving our communications problems.
I am feeling angry resentful defeated and afraid to talk, I feel like I have given my all and made allowances and I am just not getting any clarity.
I love him this said he has some very nice qualities. I want to understand him but It is really tough when I feel like I am doing most of the work.
Can I please have some advice, and please be gentle!
I really worry where this is going, If we are compatible, if this is as good as it gets, at times thinking that I should just look after me and at times trying to look after me. My post is not an attack at him or a poor me. I just need some Guidance or encouragement.
Should I continue trying to communicate or should I give up?
How Do I deal with this?
I just have so many questions.
Hi, Marcus,
Submitted by Standing on
Hi, Marcus,
This part sounds just like the situation between my add husband and me: "... my partner communicates facts current affairs etc but doesn’t communicate on a personal level. As a result of this I feel like I don’t really know him. I feel unheard, at times uncared for and often dismissed. We have had a lot of arguments and whenever We try to talk through them and resolve them It feels like they get worse as I do not feel that he understands me or wants to listen."
But this part: "One day after telling me he loves and needs me a day or so later he told me he didn’t need me and that he “just said that to try and bring us closer” ........... I don't picture my husband admitting that this is what he was doing, and yet that is pretty much how it feels afterward. The end result is the same. Feeling so dismissed and devalued surely does not engender loving, trusting emotions.
On another thread, you mentioned narcissism. I've read a bit on the topic because of some of the stuff I've experienced within my own relationships, and just wanted to say that it's more than being self-absorbed, I think. To me, it is also a person's deep shame and agony over feeling "needy", so he goes to great lengths to deny that he needs anyone and often causes great harm to those who are only trying to help and to be supportive. In fact, he despises those who try to help because they bring his need into the light, so he winds up punishing them. It's an ugly picture and I don't know how/whether it can be helped, but I think it fits much of the behavior I've seen.
Mostly, I think it is what it is, whatever we might call it, and if the person doesn't think he has a problem, then nothing will change. I'm sorry that you are suffering through this.
Hi Standing,
Submitted by John Smith (not verified) on
Hi Standing,
Thank you so much for your reply.
It has been a tough time for me. After the need comment I got very upset. I thought that he was just trying to stuff me around. It made me question and still does, anything he says. We had been over this so many times in counselling etc. We bought a shipping container full of stuff (like container wars) there was a really bad looking pink velour arm chair. I told him that it is so not coming in our home and that I will buy us something nice and comfy. He said just without thinking "I don’t need expensive furniture I just need you" I was thrown but later thought ok that was from his subconscious and I did believe that. as you accurately said he doesn’t want to feel as though he needs anyone.
He can make a harsh comment but then give a completely different view and this different view is said without him thinking so I am more inclined to believe the one that he says when he is not thinking.
It is still tough, It still hurts but when I read people describing the exact situation It in a way makes it a little easier. I am hoping we can work through these things.
I am also sorry to hear that you are also experiencing this support and understanding from others is the key to feeling safer..
I think you may be right, Marcus
Submitted by Standing on
Makes sense to me in a way... that it's easier to believe what he says when he's not thinking... or maybe it is more accurate to say, when he's not Reacting! I think you've given me a lightbulb moment here. When you consider it, isn't most of the nasty stuff he says in response to you trying to communicate with him in an emotional way? It's like that's a huge red flag to add and sets him on high threat alert, so he'll say anything to be contrary at that moment. Wow.
You asked in your earlier post whether this might be as good as it gets, and I thought... yep, I suspect so. But just now I got a small glimpse into some promise of more hope... not for what might be considered a "normal" relationship, but rather one where the non-add partner is so educated about this pattern, and so non-reactive, that the messy interactions never have to explode into heartbreak, but can pass quickly into a more pleasant atmosphere. It's like we can never confront in the traditional sense, but simply draw boundaries in the areas where we're not prepared to bend, and then use calm, quiet words (like teaching a young child) to express what we would like and... I hate to say it, but... what's in it for them, if they will aim toward that goal with us. In a "normal" relationship, that would look like let's make a deal or manipulation, but maybe it's the only way to get some of our needs met with add.
Or... I could be delusional... lol. Nonetheless, I am gonna try it! Of course, this whole thing will take loads of patience and forgiveness and acceptance, but maybe it does not have to be gutwrenchingly painful to nurture an add version of a genuine relationship.
Standing: trying
Submitted by dedelight4 on
" It's like we can never confront in the traditional sense, but simply draw boundaries in the areas where we're not prepared to bend, and then use calm, quiet words (like teaching a young child) to express what we would like and... I hate to say it, but... what's in it for them, if they will aim toward that goal with us. In a "normal" relationship, that would look like let's make a deal or manipulation, but maybe it's the only way to get some of our needs met with add."
Standing, I've noticed that you are learning and reading and trying very hard to be understanding about ADHD and work with your husband to be the "best" YOU can be. Do you ever feel like you are "moving ahead" (so to speak) but your spouse is still staying in the same place? Like it's never going to get any better no matter HOW much you learn or try or do? If our husbands won't get help for their ADHD, it's still just going to be the two of us just "existing" in a house. A little more peaceful maybe, and less confrontation, but still no true "connection" or "relationship experience" like you know there COULD be? I feel like this and after so MANY years of trying, I want HIM to do some trying, or just hang it up. I don't think the husband's just want to "exist" either, but they don't/won't try to bring around change themselves, and they STILL leave it up to us. I wonder....what is the point?
dedelight 4, I totally get
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
dedelight 4, I totally get what you're talking about. Someone (perhaps somebody on this website) once compared my relationship to a wagon with one broken wheel. Even with the other wheels turning and functioning correctly, the wagon isn't going to get far with a broken wheel. My husband not only hasn't changed; sometimes I think he's opposed to change. It's almost eerie to me to think about how the things he says to me about his life this month are the same things he was saying about his life one, two, and three years ago. I know that in my husband's case, the resistance to change is exacerbated by the fact that he lives with and takes care of his parents, and they are highly opposed to doing things differently than they have been done for the last, oh, I don't know, 25 years? But I don't think my husband should use that as an excuse. He knew exactly the extent of his parents' entrenched behaviors when he decided to take the job with them. Anyway, back to your main point, yep, if one person changes and the other doesn't, the marriage is still going to be stuck.
Dedelight, yes, I am trying
Submitted by Standing on
I am trying to be mindful of the bigger picture where my marriage is concerned. All the while, I'm painfully aware that my husband may not choose to devote any substantive effort toward building a genuine connection. With each day that passes, I become more convinced that it is a matter of choice for him. I've seen him try very hard to connect with me and with his right hand man at work, but when it comes to substance... what I see mostly is his choice to put his business into first place.
Despite all that, I know that I have alot more moving ahead of my own to do before I bring his progress back into my focus, if that makes sense. My aim is on NOT being reactive to him... but this time, it's not about avoiding conflict, it's more about guarding my heart. "Magically", the anger and conflict scene has diminished considerably, and that is enough for the moment. It's hard to describe, but I'm having a shift of goals of my own. Right now, it's not so much about getting him to meet my needs as it is about being available to him as a friend. My view has really shifted since the counselor told me last week that legal separation may be the best option. I feel more free. Just knowing that I do have options is helping me to take the pressure off my husband's inability to fulfill the emotional connection void. He's not preventing me from moving forward, he's not being nasty anymore, and he's... well, he's simply not a factor in whether or not I will become the person I was created to be. I love him, but I don't need him like I used to think I did.
You want him to hang it up so that you don't have to make the decision? I've felt that way, but from what I'm experiencing here, when you have reached the place in your heart and mind where you truly release him to make his own way in life, he will sense it... and maybe then it might become more of a priority to him to consider looking into all the help he could get, to learn to empathise and to love you the way you deserve. That's a lot of maybe/mights, but I have a strong intuition that's how it works.
Re: emotional connections
Submitted by SherriW13 on
If I am honest, giving credit where credit is due, although our emotional connection has suffered greatly (we've both put up walls) since he read my emails and was so crushed last year...reacting horribly and causing more damage than we may ever be able to get past...we have always had a very strong friendship and love for each other. We can talk about things on an emotional level, but it has to be him starting the conversation or the timing has to be right. It isn't always and I recognize it and move on, but when it is, we can and do talk about meaningful things. There are times of the day, in the evenings..especially when he's been drinking..that I refuse to talk to him about anything meaningful (ex: see my "been a while" post) but I have just started saying "stop talking..you're saying hurtful/unhelpful things" and he does.
He wasn't even diagnosed and/or on meds until 4 years ago so I am not sure if this is a different aspect/type of ADHD, part of my husband's codependency (yes, he is TOO), or just the way he is...but only recently have I started to feel like a burden and like I'm not wanted in his life..after 17 years of marriage. His words are what have caused it. We are in bankruptcy and I believe our financial issues are what leads him to blame me because if he blames me, makes me feel like he CANT leave because of me, then it eases the guilt he feels about not providing for his family. Most of his bad behaviors seem to center around the many ways he tries to cope with all of his guilt. When all I want is for him to stop feeling guilty, learn, and move the hell on.
I spoke to a friend about
Submitted by John Smith (not verified) on
I spoke to a friend about this and he agreed the subconcious never lies. Its those things we all say with our guard down. I mentioned a comment in my post about him using the word need. he had used it again a number of times when his guard is down. So my interpretation is that the initial comment he made was withdrawn in order to protect himself and not show what he sees to be emotional vulnerability. So if our partners aren't communicating or don't want to or maybe being defensive maybe there is something in those moments when his guard is down.
I have been reading through posts on this site and a lot of the stories are the same as mine and possibly yours?
The tough part is that It is not just say what I am thinking I need to have a filter on which is not easy. I caqnt express an opinion especially if it is different to his or he will get defencive. I have also learned that it is difficult to raise an issue in the relationship as this will turn into conflict and we will get into the cycle I mentioned before.
Lots of relearning. We are doing a couples communication course next weekend so I will see how that goes and see how things go. What I have learned is tha this stuff cannot come from me it has to come from someone else.
A couple of weeks ago he again said that he thinks our communication is fine, he has done enough and does not want to make any more changes.
I reminded him that we are booked into a communication course and if he doesn't want to work through this we had better get a refund.
I gave 2 options we can learn to communicate better and our relationship will improve.
or
If you do not want us to work on this area I will keep my opinions to myself and not make communication changes. His reply was that will breed resentment.
After all this I love him and want this to work.
How do I meet my needs for conversation and emotional support?
After (NOT) sleeping on it,
Submitted by Standing on
I am sorry if my theory had
Submitted by John Smith (not verified) on
I am sorry if my theory had brought up some bad thoughts for you. I like yourself am trying to hold onto the good stuff, be kind and understanding toward him and look after myself also. I just want a happy home and a good mutually fulfilling relationship. I also have mother issues which have arisen of late. Emotional needs are never a weakness, I have learned the same. I have had trouble with this as i feel my partner sees them as weakness. Sometimes my relationship feels like a battleground. I am learning and looking for ways to look after myself. Its been a rough weekend and I feel that I have given him so much and I wonder how much I have left to give to myself.
I need to keep in mind. We have a couples communication course next weekend and I am holding on to the hope that something is said to bring back the spark.
Oh no, it's all good, Marcus, thank you.
Submitted by Standing on
I just have to be cautious about flipping back and forth between hope and despair. It's difficult for me to stand in that middle ground without getting buffetted back and forth (hence my screen name, Standing) I truly appreciate your views and comments here and I'm looking forward to hearing about what you think of the couples communication course. Take care.
We went to our course. During
Submitted by John Smith (not verified) on
We went to our course. During the lead up to it he was quite withdrawn and I really didn’t know how this would all pan out. I still had hope that we would at least turn a corner. He asked me a question about us going to a social group we both attend, he thought that the only reason I go is to please him. I explained why I am sometimes not interested in going and he seemed to understand that. He mentioned that he was happy that he was able to raise an issue and felt safe doing so. We really seemed to connect and he felt at ease. I was able to communicate to him that I too can feel vulnerable and it is not always so easy for me. I am the more emotionally available one. At the end of the session each couple just looked into each others eyes and said nothing. I found this so powerful and felt a lot of love from him. I think this was the first time I really saw some emotion. The government have a program that will pay for a relationship building session and now he is keen to do another one. So I think over time things will improve.
he thought that the only reason I go is to please him
Submitted by Standing on
Wow, Marcus. I think that is amazing! I cannot imagine such a thought occurring to my husband. I'm really not sure whether he has ever considered how I might feel about anything. Seems to me that he just expects me to think and feel the same way he does about everything!
I'm so glad that you two were able to connect. Sounds like a very positive development to me. I hope that you'll continue to post here and share the progress. That relationship building program is something that will open up many new avenues, I imagine!
There was a female member
Submitted by SherriW13 on
There was a female member here who had ADD when I was on here a couple of years ago. Her husband was not very understanding of her ADD and was often critical. She helped me SOOOO much to understand about the "lack of filter" thing ADDers suffer from. I wish I could remember her user ID. I would urge any ADDers here to help. She would talk about how she would be in the heat of a discussion with her husband and say things that he would later repeat back to her and she swore she did not remember saying them. He felt like she was lying, but she swore she wasn't, just honestly could not recall saying it and felt bad that she had. She also talked about how things are said for no other reason than for 'self preservation'..which may be some of the 'hurtful' things we as non-ADDers are hearing. I think most of my husbands hurtful words are more about making me suffer AND alleviating his own guilt..than having a lot to do with the truth. Also, she said that she would have 1000 things going around in her head and the one that she would pull out, to say, would NOT be the one she wanted to say or even was feeling.
We all think mean and hurtful things when we are mad...we could push buttons and destroy self-esteems and tear down dreams and joy from others..but we choose not to. We choose to love and accept and we recognize that damage done is so very difficult to undo. They don't. It's not THAT simple, but something along those lines, maybe? anyone?
Withdrawl
Submitted by John Smith (not verified) on
I am just hoping this is not a one off thing. It’s a journey and a step. There is still a lot of work for us to do. There were a few light bulb moments and with commitment from both sides I hope we can get through things. The withdrawal needs to stop. After some reading I have decided that this is not on! Nor are the power games that come with it. He thinks that he would find it easier to walk away and treats this like a power game. This happened again this weekend, we have a home a couple of hours away from Sydney. (my home) and we cannot stay in our current situation living in his sisters rented apartment forever so we need to make a choice.
A process
Submitted by Standing on
Make wise choises with your life Marcus
Submitted by c ur self on
You have many red flags...You are already, mothering him, and making excuses for irresponsible behavior..."he needs me"...Need translate's to being used...You deserve a man that doesn't need you, but, loves you and wants to be a responsible adult and support and share a life with you...Please don't jump into something you will regret. Don't let your blind emotion or insecurities drive you to make a life long mistake...Back away, and see if he is willing to see his self, and mature. If he desires you in the way you deserve he will refocus and take responsibility for his own behaviors...I suggest you continue reading the posts of these men and women who have been married 30 years to someone who needed them...If this seems harsh it was meant to be...the day today truth is harsh for a wife and mother, who is forced to be the bread winner and only responsible person in the home...You get what you see with people!
I see the flags.
Submitted by John Smith (not verified) on
I see the flags.
I Know they are there. I have taken a day away and who knows it may be more. I miss him and have been thinking about him constantly. We had a good weekend and began chattoing in the car. There were Times I was just unsure I keep going over the confusion and the mixed messages in my head, but it doesnt help. It does at times feel like he is doing just enough to keep me there and It just isnt enough. It is a HUGE Step to leave and at times he IS sweet gentle and caring. We have talked about going to see a new therapist If I see some effort and committment we can see where it takes us. one day at a time.
I am being easy on myself here :)
It all comes down to priorites...
Submitted by c ur self on
I know how hard it is...You care for someone, and its so fulfilling and satisfying when love and peace is being shared...But, the reality of; "Why is it not this way all the time sets in when the selfish, self-absorbed and irresponsible behaviors that can crush those beautiful moments surface...Sadly:(, This is more often than not when priorities in life are screwed up. I will negatively effect everyone, (family, friends, co-workers) and every responsibility (jobs, bills, obligations) I touch...
I think stepping back and looking at your situation is a good thing...I will tell you this...During an 11 month separation, and 10 months of counseling...The product of our marriage hasn't changed much. She still has add bad;)...But, now she has a husband who isn't mad any more; but is accepting of the reality of what is before him. I do not seek to control, nor will I think or try to force this marriage to look like what I THINK, it should look like;)...What that mean's for peace in this home is; I'm resigned to live the priorities I think is being responsible to all people and life situations...So much of the time she's out there, out from under the umbrella of my care...In her own independent world of excitement...Doing it her way!
What I've come to realize in my 57 years in my own life, my children's lives, and the people around me, is this...Accountability must come to us all for us to ever grow and mature...The definition of an Enabler...Is a person who is a go between...A person who will interfere or be the substitute to keep a person from experiencing the rightful wages for his actions...This is being done by so many in our American culture, for children and adults, all in the name of love...But again sadly:(...These people do not know what love is...If we sow to the wind is this life...We will reap the whirlwind...That we can count on....
When it comes to whirlwinds..
Submitted by Standing on
Thank you.
Submitted by John Smith (not verified) on
Well I took some time away and came back. we had a date night Thursday night. It was good but still awkward and I felt like I didn't know where my place was. We were to go to my place in the mountains for the weekend. I had gone up earlier today as I wasn't working and he was. He called and told me that he had fallen off his motor bike again. I then returned to the city to make sure he was ok. So I came back, he has sore ribs, bloody knee and he hit his head (wearing a helmet) I told him he really should go to hospital to get checked out and he said no. I expressed concern saying that this is the 6th time you have fallen and this time was on a very busy highway things can go wrong in seconds, he seemed to brush me off. went to the Pharmacy to get him some pain medication she agreed he should get checked and that he may be at risk of delayed concussion and of course his painful rib. so I went back again and told him and asked that he please let me take him to hospital to checked he then got frustrated with me so i left the room before it escalated further. It is tough when this happens as it just brings up old memories of other times I have not felt appreciated, needed or wanted, this has happened last time he fell off and broke his foot I ran around after him for 6 weeks. Dealing with a bad choise he had made in the past that keeps resurfacing.
I know it was the right thing to come and be with him and ensure he is ok but when I have to take care of him I just feel as though he thinks I am a burden.
I really wish I had some great news to share, I may sound foolish but I like to think there is a glimmer of hope there.
Thank you.
Submitted by John Smith (not verified) on
Well I took some time away and came back. we had a date night Thursday night. It was good but still awkward and I felt like I didn't know where my place was. We were to go to my place in the mountains for the weekend. I had gone up earlier today as I wasn't working and he was. He called and told me that he had fallen off his motor bike again. I then returned to the city to make sure he was ok. So I came back, he has sore ribs, bloody knee and he hit his head (wearing a helmet) I told him he really should go to hospital to get checked out and he said no. I expressed concern saying that this is the 6th time you have fallen and this time was on a very busy highway things can go wrong in seconds, he seemed to brush me off. went to the Pharmacy to get him some pain medication she agreed he should get checked and that he may be at risk of delayed concussion and of course his painful rib. so I went back again and told him and asked that he please let me take him to hospital to checked he then got frustrated with me so i left the room before it escalated further. It is tough when this happens as it just brings up old memories of other times I have not felt appreciated, needed or wanted, this has happened last time he fell off and broke his foot I ran around after him for 6 weeks. Dealing with a bad choise he had made in the past that keeps resurfacing.
I know it was the right thing to come and be with him and ensure he is ok but when I have to take care of him I just feel as though he thinks I am a burden.
I really wish I had some great news to share, I may sound foolish but I like to think there is a glimmer of hope there.
You don't sound foolish, Marcus
Submitted by Standing on
You sound like a caring person with a big heart who longs for a kindred spirit who can reciprocate.
I can relate :)
All we can do is shine our own light. Can't make another leave the dark if he doesn't choose to.