How do you handle ADHD partners RSD moments. My partner has very severe RSD reactions to very minor things which would not effect someone without RSD. They get very emotional, angry, mean and although the majority of the time I haven't done anything I end up having to apologise.
The episodes are getting more frequent. And I find it very difficult to cope with. They wouldn't speak to anyone else in the manner they speak to me. It's like RSD means they can behave how they like and it's ok because it's an RSD outburst.
onr minute they can be telling me how much they love me and the next they are triggered and won't speak.It's causing me a lot of hurt and upset. I understand it's RSD. But it comes out of nowhere. I try hard not to trigger them. But sometimes I just think maybe I am not the right person for them.
They can be lovely, caring and supportive and struggle with ADHD big time. But the RSD occasions are hard to handle and are very emotionally draining.
Any tips on dealing with an ADHD partners outbursts would be most appreciated.
Boundaries
Submitted by adhd32 on
You walk away. Open the door and leave when he starts so he has no one to blame and gaslight. Come back in an hour and carry on as though nothing happened. If he starts up again, turn around and leave again.
Tell him this will be the procedure going forward as you are no longer going to tolerate his abusive behavior. If he would like to discuss things you are all ears but if the conversation goes off the rails you are no longer going to stand by while he unloads his hateful words on you.
Don't tolerate it
Submitted by CANTGOBACK on
Remove yourself from abusive behavior, and don't allow him to control the convo. You will participate only in mutually respectful interactions.
I agree with the others who
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I agree with the others who have posted here. I was married to an abusive and controlling man with anger issues. My therapist at the time advised me to not engage and walk away.
What is most destructive
Submitted by honestly on
What is most destructive about RSD for me is it makes me feel my partner doesn't even like me . I say something neutral / positive and he takes offense. He could literally take offense with me if i agree with him in a way he doesn't like. It is not only stressful, it makes me feel that they see me as a horrible person who's just waiting for the next chance to be mean. I'm not sure if this is a tip but I told my partner and he says that's not how he sees me and is now at least trying not to take offense at neutral /positive things I say. We'll see if that sticks.
RSD
Submitted by Tired girl on
I’ve been married to my ADHD husband for 30+ years. He wasn’t diagnosed until he was 50. He’s been to various therapists, we’ve been to therapy together, he’s done group therapy, I’ve been to therapy. We have taken Melissa's class. He takes meds but from my perspective they are not optimized. He has severe RSD (he takes guanficine) and the slightest thing that doesn’t go quite right or that he perceives as criticism can set him off into a snarky, irritable tantrum. The smallest benign thing will set him off. He does not pay attention and interrupts frequently - as a result he doesn’t retain much of what we talk about which leads to miscommunication and arguments because he didn’t “hear” the plan, details, specifics, of whatever was discussed which causes a lot of extra stress. I no longer trust that he retains what we talk about so I end up repeating myself multiple times or doing whatever it is myself. This has caused a lot of anger, frustration and resentment on my part. I’ve tried hard not to be the “parent”, but there are a lot of things that I can’t trust that he’ll deal with that are too important to let go. I walk on eggshells trying to make sure I phrase things so he doesn’t get set off. But in the end I end up carrying the burden of doing much of the daily stuff that requires any attention to detail (finance, taxes, vacation plans, most social interactions, contractors, insurance etc.). If we do anything together, from taking a walk, vacation, have friends over, etc. 98% of the time it is initiated (and planned) by me.
He has spent a lot of time reading about ADHD, listening to talks and finding info online. So while it seems that he spends a lot of time “working” on dealing with his symptoms he rarely executes much of what he learns or what his therapist suggests he should work on. However, when the issue of managing his symptoms comes up he always says that he “works hard” and “spends a lot of time”, "is tired of spending so much time" managing his symptoms. But what he doesn’t see is that reading about something is not the same as implementing a new tool, process, habit etc. He has little or no follow through on the things he reads about or talks to his therapist about. He’s made some progress on some issues which is great and I’ve let a lot go and have tried to be patient. However, I’m exhausted from the lack of communication/miss communication, random irritability, lack of engagement and initiative. I’m often angry, frustrated and stressed and I don’t like the person I’ve become. I feel like I used to be a fun lighthearted person who laughed a lot, but now I’m stressed and angry and that makes me sad.
I think the RSD makes many of the other ADHD challenges more difficult to address for him.
He’s a good person and I know he loves me, and there are times when we have fun together, but at this point not much is going to change. Sometimes after a big emotional discussion he’ll work at being more present, less irritable etc. but in a week or so it fades and we are back to the same conflicts. It’s a massive roller coaster. I really struggle with the up and down roller coaster situation.
I’ve told him multiple times in the last couple years that I’m at the end of my rope and something has to change (and we’ve talked about what I need). He seems to be able to change things up a little after those talks, but it’s not sustained.
At this point I’m thinking it’s time to call it quits, but I can’t seem to take that plunge.
I agree with Eighpryl
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I know those 98% with little or no reward very well. I'm sorry you have voiced your needs to no avail. It's awful to love someone who cannot help you and leans heavily on you, not even acknowledging it maybe.
I have no advice. Maybe there are ways forward in the situation you describe. I tried all I could but couldn't find any other way than to leave my partner.
Acting out RSD is still a choice
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
It doesn't matter what caused it, acting in an abusive way is still abuse. My husband has a hearty side of RSD with his ADHD that he has had to learn to manage, but he was horribly verbally and emotionally abusive for years. He is sorry now that he is finally working on himself and developing self-awareness and self-control, but his behavior was so damaging to me that I am not sure that I or our relationship will ever recover. I can and do forgive him, but it can't be u done.
If he refuses to accept responsibility and get it under control - again, it's a choice - you need to get out. You can't fix it. You can't "help" him. It will destroy you.