Sex and ADD
Submitted by ninir on Thu, 01/08/2009 - 16:19
I've done alot of reading on this site today and have learned alot. My husband has finally went to the doctor and is getting treated for his ADD. He is taking Aderall xr and Wellbutrin. Today is his frist day on it. I've been trying to do as much research as possible being a non ADD spouse and how to deal with your ADD spouse. I can deal with the disorganization and the lack of chores done aroudn the house being that my job being at my home makes it easy to keep up with him. I guess the main problems with his ADD that bothered me were his impulsive decisions (including his desire to look at porn all the time) and his anger that was always out of porportion to the situation. But up until the research I've done today did I realize that ADD alone can cause a decrease in sex drive especially in men. Did I get some wrong information? Or is it true? If so how can we fix it? Or do I need to just face the fact that our relationship seems to be in a far bigger hole that I imagined. I use to blame the lack of sex on stress, being tired, the new baby, his medicines. I can't hardly take it anymore. Use to be what helped me get through his "ADD times" to stick with him would be the good loving husband that I seen on other days. Now I feel like we are just roomates. Co parents to our daughter. What a great dad he is. I just wish he could be a better husband. If the meds work the way they are suppose to will all this help those things. Or do we need ALOT more help than I figured. Please give me some feedback. I know I have read alot on some similar situations but all of which seemed without hope and there was no way to make things better.
Comments
Sex and ADD
by MelissaOrlov - 01/08/2009 - 19:32
Research suggests that low sex drive can be one element of ADD (one study found that 49% of adults with ADD report lacking interest in sex sometimes or more often, vs. 25% of the population at large). Anti-depressants can also decrease interest in sex for some people (Wellbutrin is an antidepressant).
ADD symptoms such as distraction can contribute to a decrease in sex life (doing other things, so never get around to sex) and you mention several of those types of things (kids, etc) in your note. Also, if you are now on the status of "friends" that doesn't help, either.
Distraction issues can be helped with medication (and scheduling time to have sex, as unromantic as that sounds) and fixing some of your growing marital issues may also go a long way towards getting you back together. Therefore, I think it is likely, given what you write, that you will both need counselling. Talk with your doc (or his) about the best combination for this (solo or marital counselling). A good therapist who is familiar with ADD can help you resolve some of the grief you are feeling and improve communication between the two of you about your issues.
Hang in there....for now anyway!!
by TeresaKay - 01/12/2009 - 16:05
I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you other than assure you this problem is not uncommon and you are not alone. I was quite surprised as well when I found out lack of interest in sex was a symptom of ADD. (I personally have never met a man who wasn't interested in sex!) When I met my boyfriend he was right at the end of cancer treatment which of course causes ED. I was patient and understanding up to a point! Now he is over a year recovered and has gone to the Dr. to get shots that give him an erection, however he is totally uninterested in sex. I too feel like we are just roomates although he has been making an effort to be somewhat more affectionate. He at least hugs and kisses me now. Thankfully he doesn't look at porn, however he spends hours on his computer playing poker and video games. Meanwhile I do all the housework and his numerous hobbies and collections gather dust piled almost to the cieling in the spare room. I actually resorted to an affair last year which of course ended badly, this I would not recommend. From what I have read the meds hopefully will work on this issue. My BF is just now making appointments for treatment for his ADD, so we shall see. He finally took the steps to get treatment when he realized I was thinking of leaving him because really I too feel like I just can't take it anymore. It does feel hopeless, however I know this man loves me and I love him. It sounds like you are making the effort to focus on your husbands positive qualities. This is what I do too and it really helps. I don't think any situation is hopeless when the person with the problem is willing to do something about it. What I have decided to do is give it a year and see what happens. I have been and continue to kindly inform my boyfriend of my needs and expectations in the relationship. It sounds like your husband has stepped up to it so give it some time and see what happens. Meanwhile you can take care of yourself and make sure you have everything in order so if you decide to leave the marriage you have a plan to do so. By the way my man was Mr. Wonderful when we met 2 years ago, did everything he could to get me but as soon as he had me, well you know the rest. He just informed me about 6 months ago about the ADD, he has known all along he had it and when I started to educate myself, all the things that drive me crazy about him can be attributed to the ADD. It's taken me this long to nag him into treatment!!
he wants sex all the time
by Anonymous - 01/14/2009 - 14:42
Sex Toy
by MelissaOrlov - 01/14/2009 - 16:05
It sounds to me as if he equates sex with love and you, being a typical woman, need more than that. It was ever thus...
Take the initiative here and create situations which put the two of you in situations that will help you feel closer (perhaps a romantic dinner and dancing night?) Also, you should be open about your need to feel treasured, not just pawed. Show, and tell, him what that means to you - since you are not on the same wavelength, it's unreasonable to expect that he already knows it.
It is your right to have sex only when you want it..."teach" him that he will get more of what he wants if he treats you in a way that makes you feel sexy, rather than demeaned, and then show him what that means. Else you are on the road to a big time collision - one in which you lose your respect for him (he doesn't view you as a person, why should you respect him) and he loses interest in you (too "cold").
Best of luck with it.
ADHDers are often Porn/Sex Addicts!
by Anonymous - 01/20/2009 - 13:02
Porn addict husband...help!
by Steph - 01/21/2009 - 08:58
Someone please help me. I just don't know what to do about my husband's addiction to porn. With each new post I get more and more depressed and scared. I am really at a loss for how to handle this one. He looks at porn EVERY single day...even when he only has a few minutes on the computer, he's looking. AND That is just what I know about! I check his computer daily...obviously I have issues with trusting him, and this is partly why.
Thanks for any advice offered.
porn addict husband
by Anonymous - 02/05/2009 - 09:43
But my husband goes beyond
by abird - 04/08/2010 - 21:57
But my husband goes beyond just viewing porn. He uses sex chats to have cyber sex....so how much do you put up with because he has adhd. As far as I'm concerned thats infidility...I'm always surprised how men don't think porn is such a big deal and its harmless. Talk to any woman who's man does alot of porn and her sex life sucks! I've asked him to stop and have explained my views and he dismisses me and tells me I'm too much of prude. My sex life stinks...I feel used..like I'm just there for him. He's so focused on himself and his fantasies that I actually wonder if he forgets I'm there until after he's done. We've only had sex maybe 3 or 4 times in the last year. I don't trust him because he lies about the sex chat and cyber sex and wouldn't be surprised if he has gone farther than that. He already has emtionally started inappropriate friendships with other women to complain about me. He was diagnosed 2 months ago and his doctor has put him on Paxil and Wellbrutin because of his other past addictions. The meds have caused him to do more porn and cyber sex because he can't get an erection or orgasm. He is in not therapy right now, because he thinks I'm the problem, although when my son (16) and I caught him at our place of business doing porn, he did finally make an appointment. I finally asked him to go stay with his brother in another state for two weeks so I figure out what to do. When I last talked to him he was back to blaming me. As far as I'm concerned this and his adhd has destroyed my family and he's completely blind that he's causing the destruction.
sexual relations
by davidqallen - 08/19/2010 - 16:45
I feel so sorry for beautiful sexy people like you, having so much grief with that which should be a joy. Ay be your husband needs more in depth psychiatric help by whoever diagnosed his adhd. May be he has more than just adhd, their could be other mood or social communication issues. Best wishes DQA
I believe your right
by abird - 08/19/2010 - 20:57
Boy was I angry then. I believe your right. My husband and I have separated and I have filed for divorce. Although for me and my children, we are doing better. He has got worse, much worse. He asked to come back a month ago, but still thought he did not have a problem. I told him that I would postpone the divorce to give him some time to work on his issues and then we could decide. Soon after that conversation, my son (16) confided in me that my husband was doing the cybersex, sex chat, and porn while my son was working at the store with him. My son told me he couldn't stand it anymore and wanted out. My son was having to do most of the work, while my husband hid in the office most of the day. When I confronted my husband and said that my son wouldn't work for him anymore and that visitation with the kids would be limited, he admitted he needed help. I invited him to a Celebration Recovery meeting that I have been attending. He did go once and said he was ready to deal with his problems, however after not hearing anything from him for several days I knew what was going on. So I went to our store, sure enough he was back doing the sex chat and was also on Craig's List looking to hook up. He gave his usual denial and that I was overreacting. He told me he was looking for a TV. Funny and sad. I said we (the kids and I) can't live with the emotional roller coaster anymore or the pain it causes. Now he has been calling my son trying to persuade him that I was overacting. You'll love this; he told my son that just because there is a six pack in the room with an alcoholic, does not mean he will drink the beer. My son's reply was, but Dad if there are three empty plastic rings one can assume that the alcoholic drank the beers. I laughed than I cried. He has been diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety disorder, depression, and compulsive disorder. The Psychiatrist put him on Paxil and Wellbrutin. He did not want to put him on any of the other drugs because of his history of addiction to drugs and alcohol. He has quit taking both. This guy never even asked to talk with any family, friends, or anyone...and told my husband he wasn't 100 % sure if he had ADHD or just Anxiety disorder because they can mimic each other. I have received counseling on my codependency, have a good support system, and go to a support group. I have started school so I can become a teacher and be able to support my family...he hasn't been very dependable. My kids and I have grown closer together and are becoming happier. We love him...we just can't deal with his problems anymore. I will admit I'm confused and deeply saddened by all this. I married for better or worse, but this? I don't know if we could ever recover and I don't know if I want, too.
Nearly but not hopeless
by davidqallen - 08/21/2010 - 01:46
I wish I could give you all the answers, but I am not able to. Your husband's is such a sad story of someone wasting his life and the love he receives, and most probably don't want to see it like that. He may even be convinced that he is right or has the right to do what he is doing. In some way he needs "a change of heart."
ADD could also stand for "Adventure Deficit Disorder" Some people are just not satisfied with the "usual" and they will keep on following the "outrageous" even if in the process they destroy themselves and their relationships, they will just keep on doing so. It is as if there is a bottomless pit in their emotional life, not always, but many times stemming from an early attachment problem as co-morbid to his ADHD/ADD.
The "adrenalin rush" your husband gets from pornography and the other "adventures" fills the "pit" for a moment, but never satisfies and some actions may then become habitual and a bondage.
The way back is not easy, but it is possible. Tell me what you think and we can discuss it next time
Kind regards
Porn Addiction Advice
by MelissaOrlov - 01/21/2009 - 12:25
Thank you for your advice and resource on this difficult topic. People with ADD often suffer from addictions, porn being just one of them. 12 step and other programs can help, and spouses who run into this need to recognize it as an addiction that needs treatment, not letting any embarrassment or horror they may feel get in their way of requesting their spouse (usually husband) seek help.
it used to be worse
by Anonymous - 01/22/2009 - 02:01
Some Therapists Just Don't Get Sex/Porn Addiction...
by Anonymous - 01/23/2009 - 12:39
Porn addiction getting worse
by stressed and depressed - 02/01/2009 - 12:46
your situation seems so sad
by Anonymous - 02/05/2009 - 09:57
sex and add
by speechless20 - 08/21/2009 - 19:03
This is a difficult topic to get a grip on after reading the many stories. What I gather is some people feel like one is being too judgemental and not understaning if one is bothered by a porn habit. They other reaction is just plain hurt and uneasiness which is easy to understand. What people don't seem to get is that obviously the porn has become a habit...it's not just a case of boys will be boys....it's like drugs...first it's the small stuff and then comes the harder stuff. As a mother and a woman I am worried about stds...and those sorts of things. Obviously...if there is lack of impulsive control....it makes wives/gf's uneasy. There is a trust factor also... women want to feel security and if there is a lack of trust or security in a relationship...many aspects of a relationship suffer. It's blurry this topic...it's like: Don't let the add be an excuse yet at the same time we are suppose to be loving and understanding. I haven't been able to reach this middle ground.
Getting Help with Sex, Love, Porn Addictions
by Coach Cheryl - 08/14/2010 - 13:30
Over the past twenty years, the majority of Western treatment philosophy regarding pornography addiction, sexual addiction and love addiction involved mandatory participation in a twelve step process. This diseased-based, addict-managed recovery model has dominated addiction recovery and has proven--at least for some--to be the primary source for controlling their addiction. There can be no arguing the positive impact that it has had on many--given what their lives were before traveling those steps and what they would be without them. But is this enough to accept the twelve steps as the 'final answer' to addiction recovery? No, it isn't. And it shouldn't be. Even those who have successfully used the twelve step process should look beyond the acceptance that 'this is good enough'. Everything evolves. As new insights become known and new experiences are applied to existing problems, new solutions invariably result. Solutions that provide more efficiency and a broader application and sexual addiction recovery, porn addiction recovery and love addiction recovery is no different.
The overwhelming increase in addictions involving sexual compulsion and pornography throughout our society suggests that there is something missing in the way that addiction is being addressed by our society. It suggests that approaches which focus on measuring one's health by the length of their abstinence to a particular behavior and/or emphasize learning to manage a lifelong disability versus overcoming that disability are simply not effective with the majority of the population. Without question, many have benefited from this disease-based approach. It has been around for over fifty years and has millions of participants. But the great majority continue to struggle with the foundation that drives their addictive patterns. There must be a more efficient way...and there is.
It is called Health Based Recovery (HBR).
Health Based Recovery is an evolutionary treatment model that looks beyond addiction management and towards the rebuilding of a healthy life. It allows a far greater audience to apply their own values to recovery, including those who value the twelve steps. Additionally, it expands recovery from the common perception of a single transition (active addiction to lifelong recovery) to a much more robust and effective two transition process (active addiction to recovery; recovery to health). There is a third transition, from health to actualization, but that is unnecessary for permanently ending addiction and so, only the first two transitions are shared here.
A Health Based Recovery involves:
1. Developing a Functional Awareness of Addiction--including the role of addiction as a life management tool, the finite role of emotions, the experience of Delusional Actualization, understanding compulsive rituals, measuring compulsions and more. No more will addiction be thought of as some mysterious or inevitable entity that resides helplessly within a person. Addiction is a very useful pattern that has developed for very practical purposes. Understanding this will go a long ways towards altering your perception of both addiction and your role in eliminating it from your life.
2. Developing practical, ongoing personal awareness--in relation to one's values, boundaries, skills and identity.
3. Developing the ability to isolate the addiction--from one's core identity. This is done through a sometimes radical shift in self-perception.
4. Developing the life skills needed to manage a healthy life. Abstinence is important, but it should not define a person's health. Only through the development of skills such as value development, protective boundaries, effective urge control, emotional management, prioritization, decision-making, absolute honesty and more can a healthy life be attained. And in a Health Based Recovery, that is the goal. To live a healthy life, not to manage an addiction.
5. Developing the tools to permanently end the pattern of addiction. Yes, permanently. This is a fact that has been proven over and over again. Addiction can be ended permanently. The HBR model will guide you in developing the perceptions, experiences and tools needed not just to end your current sex, love or porn addiction, but to end the pattern of using addiction to help you manage your life.
While HBR is not specifically for just those with ADD/ADHD, all the tools used are inline with how one manages their life in a healthy way as a person with ADD/ADHD and Addiction. We see so many with ADD/ADHD who end their addiction by learning new management skills that a by product is a much healthier and manageable life.
Coach Cheryl
www.recoverynation.com
Twelve Steps as a way of treating ADHD?
by best-is-yet-to-be - 08/14/2010 - 16:14
Dear Coach Cheryl,
When I read this I was just blown away. To hear someone actually having the courage to address the idea that AA (and all the other spinoff programs) and its Twelve Steps is not the ONLY way to dealing with addiction was extremely refreshing. And while my response does not specifically address sex/porn addictions, I wanted to share what I thought about Coach Cheryl’s comments on the Twelve Steps.
Before I go further in addressing this issue, I am a FORMER alcoholic, sober for 32 years now. I put down the drink at the age of 31. I had a four-year-old son at that time. I did that in AA and followed every suggestion that was given, including studying/trying to apply the twelve steps in my daily living. I lived the AA way of life, which included believing the philosophy that “once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.” This also meant attending meetings, meeting, meetings for years because I was assured that, should I stop going to meetings, I would eventually slip back into active alcoholism (at worst) or the stinking, miserable thinking/life of the “dry drunk” (at best). In the meantime, I lost years of my son’s life. He spent most of his evenings in the care of babysitters (I had no family in the area).
The day came when I had the courage to break away from the bondage of AA. For the next twenty plus years I raised my son, was involved in his life, my church, my community, returned to school to get my degree, returned to and moved up in my profession. I made many new friends, shared many of life's joys, I also went through many losses, heartaches, disappointments. I NEVER wanted to pick up a drink in that time, I NEVER thought about returning to drinking. What could explain that? Now, many in AA, when confronted with this fact, will quickly say I must not have been a real alcoholic. I believe it’s because I stopped thinking of myself as this addictive, dependent, permanently “sick” person who would never be recovered, that’s why, and I learned to live in the “real” world, with “real” people. Sure, I have my bad, cranky days, where my thinking is off. Who doesn’t?
I fell in love with a man I met at work. It turned out he has been sober in AA for more than twenty years. He also has AD/HD with a number of comorbidities. To be with him, I returned to AA for about two years. It was an eyeopener!
I had done a tremendous amount of research on AD/HD because of this man. From the perspective of many years away, I saw how prevalent AD/HD is amongst members of AA. Good people, working the 12 steps, but making little progress with their NUMBER ONE problem—AD/HD. And I’ll tell you why they haven’t, because they simply don’t have the knowledge or the time. Successful participation in AA demands all of your time and commitment. It operates like a pseudo religion and is packed with rank amateurs practicing junk psychology on each other. Most don’t know anything about AD/HD and its capacity for self-medication through the use of alcohol.
I have seen very serious consequences for this, aside from the fact that one’s life slips into a kind of limbo where your whole life’s focus revolves around treating your “disease”, talking endlessly about your “disease”, only associating with those who share your “disease”, seeing yourself as permanently “diseased”, etc. Sadly, for so many with AD/HD it’s the wrong “disease” they are concentrating on.
AA’s approach to addiction is archaic—knowledge of what constitutes addiction and what contributes to it has leapt in the last 10-15 years. New treatments for alcoholics are proving highly successful. 95% of those who come to AA leave within the first year, never to return. AA states that these people are “constitutionally incapable of being totally honest” about their drinking. I suggest it is, rather, the inconsistent and torturous message AA and the Twelve Steps proselytizes. AA’s greatest success has been its own self-promotion.
Before sending your ADDer off to AA or another Twelve Step program to address his/her sex/porn/drinking problem, please work as hard as you can to get them to PROFESSIONAL, therapeutic, knowledgeable help for their CENTRAL problem as well. Oh yes, they may get sober in AA (or another program), where they will be the belle of the ball. But don’t count on any of the AD/HD behaviours or symptoms being improved at home. You’ll just see your ADDer a lot less. If you must seek treatment for their alcohol/sex/porn problems, please consider taking another look at other means of help such as Smart Recovery, Recovery Nation, Women in Recovery, etc. Also, many alcoholics will spontaneously recover on their own (this is heresy to AAers).
I have left AA for the second and final time. I will never go back. I feel as if a ton of weight has fallen from my shoulders. I grieve because I have left my AD/HD friend there, with all of his chaos. I pray that he will come out of that place, address his REAL problem, and be his own man someday.
I will go on.
Over-sexual ADD spouse-I am having same issues-you are NOT alone
by aweekinparis - 08/24/2009 - 17:10
Hi there-I was so glad to read your post. In the sexual forum, people are mostly writing about low sex-drive. My husband is just like yours, and I am so glad to hear that your reaction is JUST like mine! It is validating to know that I am normal for not liking the grabbing, clawing, demanding, and extremely immature behavior. I used to enjoy sex also, but this approach literally makes my skin crawl...it's offensive, unromantic, and totally lacking in respect.
The advice you were given is good advice...for a normally functioning couple. But when you're dealing with a deeply ADD personality, talking, teaching, and planning romantic evenings that will put you in the mood are not going to change anything. In fact, with an ADD spouse, these are all scenarios that can cause even more conflict. Communication is such a major source of conflict and disappointment in an ADD marriage...suggesting that you can work on the problem by talking and teaching is a little off-base. And normal, organized, adult behaviors like planning and executing a nice, paid-for, relaxing night of dinner and dancing is also FAR BEYOND the scope of at least my ADD-ers ability. Even if he DID pull it off somehow, at some point in the evening he would end up angry at something imagined, or else withdraw emotionally (probably from the effort expended just making dinner plans!)
I've embarked on this all-out quest for change and improvement for years...each time with hope. But the romantic evenings involve me having to suggest, discuss, plan, and pay for all the plans...and then having to nag and remind so that he would come home/be ready on time...and then despite all my efforts having him come home too late, be utterly clueless about why that was a problem, and suggest that I "chill out" and that we go down to the local dive for a cheap, crappy bite to eat since it's all that's still open. Oh, by the way, he would still expect sex at the end and it would still be initiated by him roughly grabbing one of my extremities and be over 20 seconds later.
MY advice to you is that you allow him to change/get help if and when he wants to, and that you feel good and strong and validated about setting up boundaries regarding your own body. Sex is not an obligation when both parties cannot behave in a respectful, adult manner or when you are not in a functioning, mature adult relationship. And I am saying this as much to myself as to you: expecting that you can make him behave "normally" and trying to change his behavior will always, ALWAYS frustrate you. Make yourself happy, go out with your friends, and find safe ways to have your needs met. Save yourself, and do not invest years of painful, disappointing effort in "fixing" him- he MIGHT improve slightly, but he will suck you dry to get there. Stay with him if you'd like...I did. But attend to your own needs (because he mostly wont) and repeat this to yourself daily: I CANNOT change him, I am resposible for MYSELF.
Sex Toy
by petmom320 - 07/22/2010 - 19:15
Wow - your post was like reading my own writing. My husband is very much the same - he equates porn-style sex with love. He does the same thing where he paws at me and wakes me up at 3am with a boner in the back expecting me to respond positively. I have a healthy sex drive and enjoy sex for the most part. I try to be GGG in our relationship (Good, Giving and Game) and am open to new things, frequent sex, etc. Most of our disagreements are sex based. First it wasn't often enough (we do it daily), then not long enough (20 mins avg), then I didn't look at him enough, then I came too fast, it is just never ending. I finally realized that because he starting watching porn at a very young age, he thinks that is the way to express himself sexually. I think he actually believes that what he is seeing is real. I'm not sure he understands the girls are paid to act like they enjoy it. (I'm not saying none of the women enjoy it - I'm just saying..) He doesn't really understand what tender, intimate love making can be. We have had numerous conversations about it, where I articulate what my needs are from an intimacy stand point (tender touching, lovemaking, talking sweet instead of always dirty, taking our time but not taking so long that it's silly, etc.). He inevitably goes back to his porn ways because he (I think) thinks non-porn sex would be boring. I am proposing more of a balance. If I am GGG for him (porn watching, filming, anal, etc) then he should but GGG for me (tender, sweet, gentle). I bet most folks have the opposite problem where they need to spice up the vanilla sex, but I am looking to vanilla up my spicy sex.... If he does not understand the importance of this balance and back it up with an open, honest effort, then I want us to see out the advice of a sex positive therapist. Any input is appreciated!
Therapist
by MelissaOrlov - 07/22/2010 - 23:15
A sex therapist is probably a good idea if for no other reason than to have your needs be better heard. See the resources section for a site that provides some options (under sex and sexuality).
thank you!
by exhausted - 08/07/2010 - 16:55
Thank you very much for sharing your comments. I am new to this site and have been seeking any/all resources since my husband's ADHD diagnosis. Seeing these words have helped me feel like I'm not going crazy and that it is okay to expect a healthy, mature sexual relationship with my partner. Of course, I know this rationally, but repeated experiences similar to those you describe (groping, grabbing, inappropriate public behavior, etc) have begun to plant seeds of doubt, along with the remarks that I am "frigid" and "no fun". I know that I need to work on better managing the stresses that having an ADHD partner can add to daily life (so as not to be too tired for sex...or anything else for that matter!), but it is so, so wonderful to know that there are others out there with similar experiences. My heartfelt thanks!
I wish
by reallytired - 01/28/2009 - 16:18
I would love to have a great sex life with my husband, but after doing everything around the house, sex to me is just another chore. If my husband helped me out with the chores, curbed his angry outbursts, & made an effort to spend time with me, I'd feel more attracted to him. Right now, I don't like doing anything sexual with him because I feel like I am the only one doing the giving and he is doing all the taking!
Your husbands behaviour is
by Anonymous - 02/05/2009 - 10:33
Security through Sex
by lizgranger - 08/20/2009 - 17:10
My husband is the same way, he wants sex all the time and it's so mechanical. I've given up on fighting with him. He says that he enjoys it and it gives him his rush of dopamene, but I just don't enjoy it anymore, although I pretend I do because if I looked upset the fight would continue again. He should start exerciseing for that rush! I feel the same way you do!
I suggest you embrace the
by Heather - 02/27/2009 - 19:31
Sex drive is one thing
by Nerdmom920 - 03/30/2009 - 18:11
Having a healthy sex drive is one thing. Imposing your desires on an unwilling partner is something entirely different. There is a balance to be reached during sex, and that balance can't happen if one person is "turned off" by an activity or behavior. Don't get me wrong, I like porn, but I don't expect everyone else to enjoy it as I do.
embrace and UNDERSTAND
by FrustratedHubby - 11/05/2009 - 00:17
Heather,
your reply was a bit short and I wanted to add that good open communication regarding sexual desires and frequency is as important as an open dialouge on any other marriage issue (budgets, vacations, child rearing,etc.). Much of what I am reading from this moderator gives ENTIRELY too much credit to ADD or ADHD. IT is not that bad of a disorder (if it really even exists chemically and is not just a by product of poor child rearing (expectation setting) by the boomers). My wife has heard the same from my couselor that she must have a self esteem issue and I believe she does. SHe admits it as well. Bottom line is your man (if he is healthy) is going to want it more then you are.. be more accomodating, watch porn with him, lighten up and try to be the "lady in the street but the freak in the bed" for a time (a few weeks) if his porn use and attitude changes then you have isolated the problem. If not... you have a man in need of counseling as I was.
Many of us have been raised to find blame elsewhere.. as we CAN'T be at fault! All I suggest is that you keep an open dialoge and open mind to determine if it is ALL your man's fault or more of a mutual problem
Sex, ADD, addiction and the responsibility of the ADD community
by ontask - 03/16/2009 - 00:19
I am so relieved to find a discussion on the seemingly "taboo" subject of addiction to pornography and ADD. My husband is addicted to pornography. It's hard to write that. It's hard to see it on the screen, but it's true. My husband has also been diagnosed with ADD by a psychiatrist.
However, he refuses to get treatment for his ADD because (and I cringe...):
1. It's all in MY head.
2. "What? Like a pill will solve all our problems!"
3. He can "manage it." ( Although I'm still not sure what "it" he is referring to since he is not managing anything well!)
I was diagnosed with ADD after my first year (yeah!) of sobriety at age 37. Looking back it makes sense. Although I was sober - no hangovers, no headaches, no more obsessing over an addiction- I constantly felt overwhelmed. I could never "get my act together." I was so disappointed in myself. I felt completely inadequate. How could all the other moms make breakfast, pack lunches, dress their kids in clean clothes, drive clean cars, live in uncluttered homes, etc. ? Trust me. I was not striving for perfection. I was fine with hot lunch and toothpaste stains on shirts but I couldn't juggle the little I had to juggle.
After years of self-medicating, I had made the bold move to remove my coping mechanism - the alcohol. I didn't know how I was going to get through life feeling like such a loser. Is this what I sobered up for? Was I destined to be miserable? Despite working a dedicated AA program, I longed to escape my feelings of inadequacy through drinking. Clearly I was depressed! However, I am forever grateful that a doctor recognized my real issue was ADD. The depression would dissipate once I treated the ADD.
Two years later I finally convinced (ahem, ultimatum) my husband to attend an intensive marital retreat. I was at my wit's end. Why did we continue to live crisis to crisis? Why did the utilities always get shut off? Trust me - there were bigger issues, but - you get the idea. At the retreat, I pleaded and begged for my husband to accept his diagnosis and take medication for his ADD. When backed into a corner by the counselor, my husband finally disclosed his addiction to pornography. Despite many unfulfilled promises to seek help, two more years have gone by.
He uses pornography the way I used alcohol. His lack of empathy, which likely stems from untreated ADD, really creates a barrier to the possibility of intimacy. He doesn't have "time" for me. Caring actions like complimenting a new hairstyle or arranging for us to get away for a weekend don't even enter his chaotic mind. I mean, he hasn't even had time to do our estate plan. Despite having three children and two subsequent surgeries, I still have no living will - note the fact we've been married 13 years and he is an attorney!!!!! (Sure, I could make an appointment with one of his competitors...) Pornography has invaded our marriage bed because my husband's untreated ADD precludes him from being in a relationship that requires compassion, attention and respect.
For years my husband made excuses for his lack of sexual interest in me. Now that I have 5 years of sobriety and 4 years of successful treatment for my ADD (Adderall XR), I am healthy enough to realize that even if I bought MORE Victoria's Secret lingerie, initiated interest, lost 10 pounds and booked a week's stay in Mexico - it wouldn't matter. This is my husband's problem which requires action on his part. I don't need to "try harder." I am convinced that his untreated ADD is always going to serve as a barrier to having the intimacy I crave as a healthy woman. Even if he "kicked" the pornography addiction, he would likely find another unhealthy coping mechanism to deal with his untreated ADD. I'm able to admit that I understand and I feel compassion, but I also feel a great deal of anger and resentment as a result of his "denial."
I get frustrated when I see so much "positive spin" on the disorder of ADD. There is no medical evidence that ADD brings with it special gifts. In fact, according to Russell Barkley's extensive analysis of leading ADHD studies which are discussed in his book, ADHD in Adults, the opposite is actually documented. I don't have an extra dose of creativity because I have ADD and I take offense when professionals mislead the public by listing the "gifts of ADD."
I urge Melissa and Dr. Ned Hallowell to bring to light more stories on the devastating results of untreated ADD. If more people discussed the crazy and often sick things people do to cope with their untreated ADD, perhaps some train wrecks could be avoided. People with untreated ADHD and their families are often living in "crisis mode." I know we sure are. If the ADD community wants ADD in adults to be taken seriously by educators, insurance companies, physicians, the judicial system, employers, and especially those suffering from ADD yet continue to be in denial, the entire ADD community and its professionals need to start speaking a little more openly and honestly about the havoc this disorder can wreak on individuals, spouses and families if left untreated.
ADD and relationships - a first person's account
by Anonymous - 08/17/2009 - 00:34
I just discovered this great forum.
Here's my take on ADD and complains about sex.
I was diagnosed with ADD in my late 20s. I'm healthy in every otherway. Dont abuse drugs, alchohol or any other stimulant.
My stimulant of choice is sex (and porn - I will come to that shortly). Not so much quantity but variety. For all those women complaining about their ADD husbands' lack of interest in sex - they are just bored. Not bored as a normal person would be (say 7 years after marriage) but bored with the very act of having sex with the same person - doing the same thing. They still love you and find you attractive but ADD has taken its toll. Btw, this same process causes them to have multiple careers and interests (most of them unfinished).
What makes us ADD men interesting for a lot of women (initially) is that we are like little adolescent boys. We love exploring your bodies with the same sense of delight most young men do when they first hit puberty.
But once we have explored everything, we have to move on. That is also where our addiction to porn comes in. Its not that we prefer perfect little women with big boobs and tiny waists. No - its the variety. The variety is what feeds our 'high'. Its the only way we can focus and inturn feel pleasure.
Your husbands may be having problems keeping their erections. They come and go with their focus. This happens to me. Check their 'morning erections' - if they are healthy in every other way - these should be normal. They are normal and very frequent for me. - ED could be due to the constantly wavering focus. Your husbands/BFs may be too embarrassed to confess this.
One of you commented that your partner and you are 'masturbating partners'. Well masturbation helps us stay focused on our fantasies. I have had girlfriends complain about this.
Also, some of you have pointed out that your partners 'space out' while having sex.
There are two reasons for this:
a) they have lost focus
b) they are focusing on one of their 'fantasies'. These fantasies may include you or some porn/movie star or a situation that helps them focus.
I have a theory regarding this (based purely on my personal experience) - so take it for what it is - fantasizing allows us to think about some of the 'variety' that may not be possible in a relationship (sex with a co-worker for instance) - this releases all those chemicals in our brains that help complete the circuit that leads to orgasm.
Porn does the same thing - it is a booster shot to our brains - not porn itself - but the fantasies it spins in our brains.
One last thing. I have never cheated on a girlfriend my entire life. But the longest I have been in a relationship is 2 years. So just because your ADD partner is disinterested in sex, dont jump to the conclusion he/she is cheating.
Your responses are welcome.
First hand account
by Steph - 08/18/2009 - 07:22
Thank you so much for your openess. I am really curious about what makes a man or woman be addicted to porn. I kind of understand what you wrote but I need further understanding. Could you explain it in more detail, what it is that it does for you? What do you mean it is like a booster shot to your brain? Why porn? Why not something else?
My husband is severely ADHD and a porn addict. He never seems bored with sex, wants it a lot, although we hardly ever do anymore because I don't feel attracted to him based on his addiction and the way he treats me on a daily basis. I would appreciate your help in my understanding why the porn addiction and what it does. He isn't as self aware as you nor is he able to verbalize things he is feeling.
Thanks
Steph
Steph, To answer your
by Anonymous - 08/19/2009 - 20:13
Steph,
To answer your question - Why Porn?
(I'm going to focus on porn as I have been through failures in my professional life that at times have turned me into an annoying boor - which is not a recipe for romance/sex. Your husband's non-sex related behavioral issues needs the help of an experienced psychiatrist. I can only speak from my personal experience.)
So what is it about porn. Well most men (married, single, in-a-committed relationship) watch porn. Men in general are visually-stimulated creatures.
But what it does for me is that it allows me to switch situations, partners, etc. and bring that variety into play. Also, if I chart my sexual history, I have been upping the ante - taking greater risks - sex in public spaces, dating multiple partners, sex with multiple partners, etc. – doing things that are considered taboo by society.
Normal decency, fear of disease and basic moral values put a cap on this risk-taking behavior - and rightly so. For example, I would never consider engaging a prostitute – though I have seriously considered that option.
Your husband may not want to see you having sex with multiple men - but watching another women - a nameless, 'faceless', porn star - doing it, is far more palatable, exciting even.
This is where, I believe porn comes into play. Its a safe outlet for some of these fantasies. Besides, as the old joke goes 'I cant do that with her - she kisses my children with that mouth'.
However, porn addiction has its price - Physical and Psychological.
Physically, it takes its toll. If your husband watches porn and masturbates (say) twice a day, it will make it difficult for him to go the distance with you. Unless if he's in his 20s - he could do it.
On the mental side, from the research I have done through books and on the web (again, please verify this on your own), the 'high' we achieve from sex/masturbation also takes a toll on our brain.
Just as an ADD brain gets a high from attacking a new challenge (Job, project, love interest, etc.) it gets a high from the fantasies that drive masturbation/sex. Once this high dissipates, we have to look for a new source for this 'high'. Porn (sadly) becomes a safe place to find this new source. Its an endless well of novel experiences.
Lastly, the physical act of sex is not neccessarily the catalyst that achieves orgasm for me - its the fantasy/situation that occupies the driver's seat and brings things to fruition.
Let me give you a few suggestions that have worked for me in past relationships.
I often bring some of my fantasies to the bed room and tease my girlfriend/partner with these.
Most men dont realize that women secretly harbor similar fantasies. We just think women would be grossed out and never let us near them.
I would recommend, dreaming up a fantasy and telling your husband that you had this dream - start with something mild (I'm assuming you havent done this before) - so he does not freak out.
Then a couple of days later tell him it got you really worked up (use some graphic language - again not knowing your background I cant tell you how far to go with this).
Tell him you cant get it out of your head and that you want to act it out.
Also, tell him its ok if he thinks about other women when he's having sex with you. Infact ask him to share some of his fantasies.
Trust me - even if he names your sister or best friend - it is harmless. The fact that he's willing to share that with you tells you he wont try it in real life.
See if this works.
I'll come up with a few more suggestions that have worked for me in the past.
p.s. Most men (Attention deficit or not) have fantasized about their wife's/girlfriend's sister(s).
Also, your feedback is invaluable. This is therapeutic for me as well - just knowing others share my affliction.
Thank you Anonymous
by Steph - 08/20/2009 - 06:55
Thanks for your response. I appreciate and value this conversation. You say that most men watch porn. OK, but for HOURS a day? Not just one hour mind you....sometimes 4+ hours! Is that normal? I doubt it. He has never asked me to do anything weird. On the contrary our sex life was very vanilla. I say was because we haven't been together in about 2 months.
I am not the type to go to him with fantasies. PLUS the fact that he is the one with a serious addiction that is ruining our relationship, or more true to reality, has already ruined it, I think HE should be the one to make changes in this relationship.
Tell me, have you lost relationships because of your porn use? This among other serious issues has devastated what I thought we had. I thought I married a kind, gentle, nurturing man who always put me first. Wrong. How wrong I was. Instead I got a porn addicted (seems to have gotten worse over the last few years of our marriage) abusive tyrant. Fraud. That's what it is.
Sorry, I am upset and need to vent today. I am just searching for answers that try to make sense of a senseless situation.
Steph
Steph, I’m by no
by Anonymous - 08/21/2009 - 17:13
Steph,
I’m by no means suggesting that this is your fault.
This is your husband’s responsibility, his problem – in every way. But I guess you being part of this marriage makes it your problem too.
Watching porn in and of itself is not a bad thing – but you are right – 4+ hours is abnormal.
Have I watched porn for 4+ hours? – Yes. Has it affected my work life? – Yes. Has it affected past relationships? – Yes.
So how did I ‘cure’ my Porn addiction? – I reformatted the hard drive on my PC and gave it to charity. Now I use my work-issued laptop to access the web, and I cant access porn (or anything objectionable) for fear of losing my job. A bit drastic, but that is the only way I could walk away from it.
I still watch porn – on DVDs. By their very nature they impose a time limit.
4+ hours of watching porn suggests another problem. Your husband may not be getting that ‘high’ from porn – he’s getting bored with porn too. So he has to keep looking, keep searching, which in turn takes more time.
Also, he seems to be turning away from facing life.
Your husband seems to be having some problems with life in general. Please get him to see a qualified psychiatrist specializing in Adult ADD.
A few books that have helped me understand and handle ADD (in addition to Dr. Hallowell's books):
Please have him seek professional help. I dont think either you or I can address these issues.
p.s. When my professional life became more organized and I found success and meaning there, my porn addiction faded. I still want to watch it - but its more like once/twice a week for a couple of hours at most.
anony
by Steph - 08/21/2009 - 18:00
Wow, your comments have helped me more than you know. Keep talking, keep explaining this to me. I truly appreciate it. I just don't think I want to stay around and get him more help. Its exhausting me. Nothing helps him, no meds, no nothing. He just doesn't see how he negatively impacts our relationship....and every single other relationship he has ever had in his life. Every woman he ever dated left him...he talks all the time about his great fear of me leaving him and yet he does nothing to prevent this from happening. I am not a high maintenance person. I ask for very little. I get nothing but abuse and maltreatment. I just don't have anything left in me to give.
* by the way I applaud your growth and self awareness as well. You should be proud of yourself.
Intervention
by Anonymous - 08/25/2009 - 17:04
Steph,
whether you wish to remain in this marriage is your decision and I (nor anyone else) can or should offer any input. Having never married I have no clue as to how marriage truly works. I must say this though, I dread precisely what your husband is putting you through. I know from my dating experience, that once the initial excitment dissipates, I will lose interest and make my wife's life miserable.
At times it seems cowardly not to pursue a meaningful relationship that is 'normal', healthy and (for lack of a better word) conventional. But as they say 'discretion is the better part of valor'. I wouldnt want to destroy 2-3 years of a girls life knowing fully well that I'm not prepared to accept the responsibility that comes with marriage.
Does your husband have family members he is close to - parents, siblings, cousins - can they intervene?
Even though you say you want to quit, you obviously love your husband. You wouldnt be here, on this forum if you didnt.
Best of luck. Let me know if I can help in anyway.
RE:intervention
by Steph - 08/25/2009 - 21:15
My husband's family is way worse than him and they wouldn't help in any way.
I do love my husband, but I need to love myself right now. I am planning on leaving him. I just can't take living in fear of his next rage, in fear of what it is exactly he does get from all those hours of porn viewing, not to mention what else he is doing that I DON"T know about, and the pain, resentment and hurt feelings that I get from being married to him. I can't remember the last time I felt that little flutter in my heart for him. Its just shattered into a million tiny pieces now from all the hurts he's inflicted on me. This isn't a marriage where I feel cherished. I feel like he hates me. He acts like he hates me, he talks like he hates me.
I appreciate your offer of support more than you know. Again, your self awareness is incredible.
dear steph
by optomistic - 08/26/2009 - 02:00
Steph, I have read your posts for quite awhile now and not telling you what to do but honey noone and I mean noone deserves to live with the abuse you have been putting up with. Its been a long time he is not going to change and he is bringing you down with him. I know what I'am talking about after what I went through in my marriage. I just was talking to a neighbor and found out all the abuse that she went through with her husband being an addict and she had to kick him out for her children's safety and hers. You are so sweet you deserve a better life filled with good things not hatefulness. I love my husband too but I know that its not healthy for me to be with him. so I love my life now and see much clearer because when I was with my hubby I was lost feeling like a no good anything.. I know its scary to leave but ask yourself " is this how you want to live like the rest of your life??think about defining your value system like Brenda talked about.that helped me.
My warmest regards to you ((hugs))
Fantasies
by CheeseyPetal - 03/06/2010 - 10:31
What you said about the fantasies fits with what my ADD partner has told me. He likes me to "talk dirty" to him, which I'm not really comfortable with. I get stage fright or something. But he likes to hear about what I've done or would like to do or think about. He closes his eyes and drifts away from me. I hate the detachment. If I don't talk, he drifts away anyway.
I've learned that traditional come-ons don't work for him - he finds it difficult to act on his thoughts, I guess, even though I've assured him I will not mind one bit! He has told me that in the past most of the sex he's had was while drunk. And I think that yeah, we've had a lot of drunk sex as well. I get randy and less sensitive to his unresponsiveness when I drink and he's less worried (about whatever it is he worries about) when he drinks. I certainly don't think that's healthy, but it is what it is.
You just reminded me that he likes it if I send him an email. That works much better for me because I'm a better writer than speaker (I can take my time with the wording and what I'm going to say.) He doesn't care if it's real or not. He just wants something different. That turns him on and then I'm in business. It's late at night, he's in bed and I just sent him one. It's not spontaneous, but hopefully he'll get it tomorrow then I'll get it tomorrow. If you know what I mean.
Very insightful
by speechless20 - 08/21/2009 - 19:17
Although hearing the truth sometimes is an easy thing...thanks for giving such a honest picture...sometimes talking with a spouse or bf is hard not even so much for you but for them...they fear that you will be judgemental or that you will think they are perverts. This gives me alot insight. Thanks.
thanks
by gconfused - 01/09/2010 - 10:40
thanks for posting this. my boyfriend is ADHD (just diagnosed last year in his mid thirties and successfully medicated) and is totally emersed in porn and fantasy. he rarely wants to have sex or sexual play with me anymore and when he does he just talks through his fantasy of me with another woman. When we do manage to get something started it quickly gets to the point that he won't even let me touch him, he just holds me down and masturbates over me while vocalizing his fantasy.
I don't know how to be interresting to him... I feel like he's seen and done everything he has wanted to do with me, now he's done. No repeat performances required. He loves me and is good to me in every other way, but it just destroys me that I cannot get his attention sexually. I can't stand the constant rejection, and it hurts me that he'd rather get off to porn than be with me.
Please help... what do I do? I am at a total loss....
"I don't know how to be interresting to him"
by Chris39 - 01/11/2010 - 15:29
No touching? Overt talk of other women? Holds you down and masturbates over you? Sounds like emotional abuse in every way. There are ADDers and non-ADDers out there who can treat you lovingly - with tenderness and respect. Cut this guy loose.
emotional abuse
by gconfused - 01/12/2010 - 08:38
Most of the partners are here because they are seeking a way to cope with the effects of adhd in one way or another. call it abuse, call it what you will, but we are all here to try and find some sense of community, help and support.
My partner and I were friends for nearly 10 years before we became a couple. He decided he wanted more for his life and wanted to stop "chasing highs". I had always told him that I thought he was ADHD. After some soul searching he asked me last year to go to the doctor wth him to see if I was right about him being ADHD. Since then, we have worked together through the roller coaster this disorder brings - with love and mutual respect. We are in councelling to help build some skills to work through it.
Sex remains the only stumbling block. We communicate well most of the time, and we (despite the adhd) balance the household fairly well. He treats me lovingly, but has no concept of how to "make love" to me, and the whole idea just frightens the crap out of him. I do enjoy being dominated by him, but would like to be able to touch him and to be the one to get him off.
The main issue is porn. Since posting my last entry, I showed him what Annonymus wrote, and it was like a light went off inside of him. We talked about it the next day after he had some time to digest it, and he said he didn't realize just how much he was retreating into pornography and how neglected I was feeling. He talked about giving it up completely, but I told him that was a bad idea... that he needs to have that stimulus and if he gave it up he would go back to it quickly anyway, so he decided that he should cut back on it. He set his alarm for an hour later in the mornings so he can sleep (much needed) rather than getting up early every morning just to watch porn. We talked about some ways we can try to use fantasy in our own sex life... he also found that frightening. He has a very hard time bringing sex into the real world... his concept of sex is so much fantasy and in his own head that he isn't sure how to share that with me... so when we do get intimate we usually end up as described were he masturbates over me while vocalizing his fantasies in order to get off...
So, what I am asking Annonymus, or anyone else out there who has been there on one side of this situation or another, is how do I connect the dots sexually with him? How do I become the object of sexual desire to his ADHD mind? How do we incorporate fantasy and reality?
I agree
by ryvyn - 08/06/2010 - 15:54
I agree with the poster here, I'm an ADD man and I guess I was lucky being diagnosed when I was pretty young... I can often see my actions through the filter of how people are going to respond to them... often though I'm just helpless to stop myself from acting though. Regarding sex though I agree that we are a little like adolescent boys, but not just in that we have a thrill of doing something naughty and that we loose interest when it stops being naughty.
I've never been able to have a one night stand, sex is very closely linked to me to intimacy with a partner - which makes not making love when I feel like sharing that intimacy hurt a bit. I know for a fact that I have often become moody and depressed when my partner doesn't seem to want to make love because in some way I am associating that with her not wanting to share that intimacy with me. I'm the first to say that's kind of silly and I'm jumping to a conclusion but in my experience ADD people are very good at jumping to conclusions and not always the right ones. I found a quote on this site today I want to read and explain to my girlfriend, "Add people 'Live in the World' so differently that they incorrectly assume they understand the motives that are influencing frustrating behavior." That's a two way street, we don't always understand our own motives but it is particularly difficult for us to understand frustrating behavior from other people. So we tend to make up these motives so we can move past the problem and on to the next distraction.
Sex for me is all about my partner however - my partner and foreplay. Foreplay is engaging and interesting, varied and fun. It's better than intercourse for me and I'm much more interested in a woman's body than in just doing the deed.
I do look at porn and I look at a large variety of things but I'll be honest, at any point in time the girl I am dating is the most beautiful girl in the world to me. I can look at girls with incredible figures who are younger - and I know and understand how that can hurt a woman's confidence, but the honest to God truth is that the things that make us unique are a much bigger turn on to me. In fact for me and masturbating while looking at porn I only climax when, looking at porn I think of something completely different sexually with my partner, well within the realm of possible.
My point is that at least in my experience, sex and love introduce a completely new array of potential pitfalls for the ADD person. We want to feel like our feelings, which to an outsider seem erratic (hot then cold, off then on) are being reciprocated and when we get it in our heads that they are not we withdraw to situations we can control, ie: with no other people, or we chase and push the issue trying to force our understanding and skewed world view onto our partners.
My one and largest piece of advice to anyone out there with someone ADD is to be careful when explaining a problem to them. :) I like problems, they require solutions and that's something I can focus on. And for all the distractions in the world I can chase a problem like Don Quixote chases windmills, often long after its stopped being a problem for my partner.
My response to the question, why porn? Because it's variety and in the large scale of options to occupy insatiable curiosity, it seems like the lesser of all evils.
I agree-labeling ADD as a "gift" is MISLEADING!
by aweekinparis - 08/25/2009 - 17:50
I am glad to see it is someone who suffers from ADD who is willing to admit this: "ADD does NOT bring with it special gifts" (see post above)
Even when treated, ADD adults have severe limitations on how well they function and cope in nearly every realm of the adult world...and the ones I know (my husband and approx. half of his family) do not bring with that major handicap any or the reported "special" gifts like creativity, joy, zest for life, or enjoyable spontenaity to make up for the bad stuff. They are mostly depressed, unsuccessful, unproductive, and sucking the life out of their non-ADD spouses. In fact, my ADD spouse (who is not medicated) is so emotionally flat and lifeless, people sometimes ask if he's a former drug addict.
ADD and "gifts"
by arwen - 08/26/2009 - 19:09
I don't think *anybody* was trying to suggest that ADD is a gift, outright -- I think the point was that there are *often* compensating abilities, which could be seen as gifts. And while this may not be true in *your* experience, it certainly is in mine. (I do not have ADD -- my husband and son do.)
For some years in high school and college, my son was a competitive athlete, and there is no question that he was more joyful and innovative in his sport when he was NOT on medication for his ADD than when he was. Unfortunately, at the same time, not being on ADD medication made it a terrible struggle for him with his academics, which was depressing and frustrating for him. It became obvious to me that in the context of my son's sport, his ADD actually was helpful to him, but in the context of his academic pursuits it was a problem. It was clear these were two conflicting pursuits, so he took time off from college to pursue his sport, off meds, which worked very well. When he had to give up his sport for physical health reasons and returned to college, he went back on the meds and that worked fine too.
My husband's ADD makes him better able to "think out of the box" at work, an ability which is very much prized, even depended upon, to help find innovative solutions to problems. He was not diagnosed until his early 40's, so he had learned throughout most of his life how to use this ability. Now that he is on meds, he is a little less innovative, but because of the experience of a lifetime, he can still bring this ability to bear on a problem when needed. This ability has helped him keep his job at a time when his company has been laying people off left and right.
The thing that's hard to see or understand in this debate is that it's a question of context, or culture. The world we live in today is in general less friendly to the particular idiosyncracies of ADD than the world 100 years ago, and as a result the ADDer is more of a misfit in general. This can seriously inhibit any zest for life, or creativity. But if the ADDer can find a context in which his or her peculiar characteristics are actually helpful, and the problems are minimized, it can be viewed as bringing some gifts along with the problems. I'm not saying that this can happen for everybody with ADD, or that every person's particular manifestation of ADD brings along gifts. But just because *you* haven't experienced them, doesn't mean they don't exist for others!!!
"The world we live in today
by brendab - 08/27/2009 - 09:31
"The world we live in today is in general less friendly to the particular idiosyncracies of ADD than the world 100 years ago, and as a result the ADDer is more of a misfit in general. This can seriously inhibit any zest for life, or creativity. But if the ADDer can find a context in which his or her peculiar characteristics are actually helpful, and the problems are minimized, it can be viewed as bringing some gifts along with the problems."
Arwen,
I've thought about this a lot. Some people with ADD do find their niche in the 21st century but more often they do not. i think many times they develop low self esteem and it sequelches their creativity. They seem to assume failure so why try.
I am dating an ADD man who has a great deal of understanding about his strengths and weaknesses but has not been diagnosed. He has developed many coping stragies on his own. he has many very good qualities, but his biggest downfall is consistent work. My decision whether to marry him or not will hinge on helping him find his niche in the work world. I am not out to "fix" him but to help him if he wants it. He made a lot of money in the 70s and 80s when he had a wife and children--they seemed to have been his motivation to provide. But now he barely survives financially.
Like you I don't need a man to manage my life or to provide for me, but I would love to have a best friend to share my life. I am a grandma now so I am not wanting children. I am not certain at this point if I am mature enough to live with a man who hasn't developed a good work ethic regardless of why. I think it would be a huge struggle for me to come home from work everyday to a house disaster and a husband who has been internet surfing or on the phone all day. I personally could not do that. So I need to know that he will develop and use new strategies to become a partner in the daily financial obligations we will have.
Having said that I have been reading books on executive functioning. For nonADD people executive functioning is the efficient use of the left side of the brain to plan, prioritize and accomplish goals. ADD people do not have or have not developed this side of their brain. Perhaps nonADD have a natural ability the ADD do not have. Having said this though, the ADD person must develop some of these skills to have a life that works for them. one author said that routines and ingrained habits are an answer to bypassing the need for executive functioning.
I thought this was a profound way to think about it. So if my boyfriend can set up a work routine that he follows automatically like I do when I go to my job everyday, he will just have to develop these automatic habits and not have to struggle to use his ineffective executive functioning. He is very right brained.
If my left brain was weak in executive functioning, it would be awful to get up every morning to get to work. Without a routine established I would have to get up every morning, make out a priortized list, and follow it precisely. That would be incredibly frustrating especially if I was a lousy prioritizer. I imagine I would soon develop a poor sense of my ability to accomplish the simplest things. I also believe that might lead me to just give up--I am a failure, stupid and probably lazy compared to others who seem to do these things so easily. I am very interested now in the concept of routine being one of the answers to give the ADD person more control over their own life.
I am also reading books on empathy-to try to get inside this ADD man and to see life through his eyes. He senses I am doing this and he loves me for it. He knows I am truly trying to understand even though we are agreeing to disagree. Empathy is very powerful as long as it is used for positive loving reasons. There aren't too many things that are more powerful than knowing a person is truly humbling themselves to understand your perspective. It also requires strong boundaries and a sure sense of who I am so that I don't enable.
Well, my latest thoughts have encouraged me and I appreciate your posts Arwen. They are so balanced.
Brenda
you are wise
by arwen - 08/28/2009 - 16:24
Brenda, you have "got" it -- you understand quite clearly the nature of what you are dealing with. I'm very impressed by the fact that you have come to understand your situation so well in a relatively short time. Good for you!!!
Thank you for your kind words about my posts. I also enjoy reading yours, for the same reasons. My husband and I haven't solved *all* our problems that related to his ADD and SAD dysfunctions, although we have come a long way, so I still need the insights of others like you. But I am very happy if my experience can be of any benefit to others. Living with ADD can be hard for everyone involved!
Some years ago, I had a medical problem that required me to take medications that as a side effect caused me to experience significant memory difficulties and loss of executive function for several weeks. You are right, it was awful. I couldn't do my job effectively any more. I felt like a failure. It was very discouraging. Fortunately, I knew my situation was temporary, but it gave me a very personal understanding of what my spouse may be dealing with at times. I had had an inkling before, but the experience really raised my awareness in a very short time.
I'm not sure I agree, though, that a person with ADD must develop some of the left brain skills in order to have a life that works for them. I've seen some cases where the person with ADD finds a partner who is capable of doing that for them, and *perfectly happy* to do so. It isn't what *I* would choose in a relationship, but the co-dependency works for them, and the ADDer never needs to develop these skills.
I agree with you that it's tougher to "find your niche" in the 21st century than in the past -- especially if you do not have any degree of financial security when you are growing up and you are forced to take whatever kind of work will pay the bills. My husband and son were lucky, they had opportunities that were not available to everybody, and I recognize that others may have a much tougher row to hoe as a result. Ironically, I've actually had a harder problem finding my niche than my husband has -- I'm a generalist, not a specialist, and pretty much no matter what work I've done, I've found myself a square peg in a round hole! Again, in our 21st century, work is becoming more and more specialized -- there used to be many good-paying jobs I had the capabilities for and could do reasonably well, but now lacking specialized capabilities, or a super-degree of an ability, my options are far more limited and I find it much more difficult to be effective at these jobs -- so I'm keenly aware of this aspect of the ADDer's situation.
Fortunately for my spouse, his "niche" was in the computer software arena, which enabled him to easily develop or use many automated tools to help with his lack of executive function. This has minimized the amount of routine and habit that he has had to work to establish. Obviously this approach would not work for someone who was uncomfortable with computers and similar electronic devices, and other means or different approaches would have to be found, but it was a real help to us.
Writing this has made me realize that I probably should post about these automated tools in the forum, maybe in the section about organization -- thanks for helping bring my attention to this!
Pheh!
by Ki - 08/26/2009 - 19:29
Must husband's ADD is a complete dibilitating nightmare and threatens to ruin his life and take me and the rest of the family down with him.
Sexless
by CheeseyPetal - 03/06/2010 - 10:21
This is in response to ninir's original post. Have things changed for you and your hubby after 6 months on meds? Did the meds change, did he quit them? Let me know (give to me the hope you were seeking before!)
Hi. I'm in your boat.
My partner doesn't look at porn obsessively, as far as I know. When he did used to look it wasn't much, or really hardcore at all, and he never tried to hide it from me since he knows I'm pretty ok with it. So, ok, I'm not in that boat.
The boat I'm in is the "where the hell is my sex life?" boat. That's what it was christened (the boat.) Even when we first met, after a long online/onphone courtship, there was little sex. I took it really really hard and cried a whole lot and felt really terrible about myself. I thought there was something wrong with me. I mean come on! First days of a new relationship! I expected to be sore and limping, right? He made me feel oversexed and like I was trying to rape him for wanting to kiss and cuddle with him.
He told me it was his problem and he'd deal with it. He needed to sort out his head. And I guess he has been doing that (for 3 years) because this is where it's lead me with his latest revelation of having caught the A.D.D.
I guess I gave up. I've left the ball, slowly deflating, in his court. It never used to be so hard to initiate sex. All I ever had to do was look at a guy the right way and he was on top of me. But this one, he takes some work. I tried the whole "making time for it" thing, as Mellissa said, but that increased his anxiety. He doesn't like to look forward to it, or I guess as he sees it, have it looming dreadfully infront of him for days. I got this sex book and all the ideas in it were about building the anticipation, which I loved. I loved getting little notes and texts and flirts - it did a lot for me. It just made his blood run cold.
The thing is he tells me that he thinks about sex all the time - he just never acts on the thoughts. He's constantly surprised when I get my period (oddly enough we usually have our monthly sex just before I start) like he can't believe it's been another 28-32 days or whatever. I just use it as my sex marker. And lately it's been once a cycle. When we first started talking about how the lack of sex was an issue for me, and we were having sex once a week, I said I wanted to aim for 4 times a week. What a joke! That seems so impossible now. I know sex drops off in a relationship but this is ridiculous. At this rate we'll be completely sexless next year.
Unless he gets help and figures it out.
Something that I wouldn't have predicted is that my self-confidence, after being completely shattered, has been rebuilt stronger than it ever was before... without him demonstrating to me physically how attractive he finds me. I know he loves me, I'm in no doubt of that, and it has nothing to do with my looks, because I've always been hot but I've recently lost 20lbs and he still won't have sex with me! I've contemplated leaving, because it may be easier to find someone else as I'm still youngish, and as I mentioned, hot, but I honestly don't fancy anyone else and we get along so well... it's just this whole little dissatisfying lack of engaging intimacy "thing."
I'm really ready to have a baby and I know if I just put one in front of him he'd love it to death (he says he can't think about the future) but I can't see how I can possibly fall pregnant [with his child] without his help. And I have a terrible fear that we'd become even more sexless yet after children.
I'm really against medication generally, but I'm not sure what the options are. I just read something about a guy taking Zoloft and Ritalin whose sex life with his wife improved because he was able to focus. I know it's selfish but if I can have more (and quality) sex with a more interactive partner then I encourage him to take any amount of pills neccessary for that!
Oh yeah and he has struggled with other addictive behaviours. He smokes, drinks more than I think is good, eats a ton of chocoate and candy, and gambles a fair bit. Nothing life ruining yet but I can see how he could let it go too far if he let go of the self-control/rules/limits he created for himself.
Sexless
by ccompton - 03/06/2010 - 10:23
Hi CheeseyPetal,
Been there, done that. My husband has had a sex addiction for most of his life. We actually separated because of how bad things had gotten between us. I was exactly where you are (kind of back there again). Look into the Fred Stoeker website. You may not think that he has an addiction, but it certainly sounds like it to me. He is probably not interested because he is relieving himself, if you know what I mean. It is easier and takes less time and concentration for a person with ADD. My husband hasn't been formally diagnosed with ADD - but it is very obvious. I thought the sex addiction was the problem, but it truly was only a symptom.. Good luck!
Yeah I know he prefers
by CheeseyPetal - 03/06/2010 - 10:35
Yeah I know he prefers masturbation and that's usually how intercourse ends-up anyway, but I think you've misread my post or something. I know my partner and he even goes full weeks without wanking because he wants to be ready to have sex (short though it may be) and not fear losing his erection (due to distraction or whatever.) Anyway I'll have a look at that site but I don't think sex addiction it the case with my Mr. ADD.
Sexless and married 37 years
by KatH - 04/08/2010 - 14:49
I discovered my husband is addicted to porn/masturbation 2 years ago and have struggled with not having a sex life for twelve+ ? years. I blamed my being overweight and he always just said to me 'It isn't you', so I thought it was from erectile dysfunction. I worried about his health and we went to counseling a few times where he always blamed me for 'nagging' which prevented him from desiring me. He's ruined anniversaries, forgotten my birthdays (even though we married on the same date), no Valentine's surprises, just watches TV constantly.
I eventually got him to read a list of symptoms for ADD last year which he surprisingly looked into. He saw a therapist for his sex addiction but there was no talk about how this relates to ADD. He went to SA meetings for a few months, but doesn't believe in the 12 Step program and felt the men attending were much worse than him. He has stopped the porn on his computer (I check), but admits he still masturbates and still doesn't want sex even after I lost 70 pounds. He had his therapist test him for ADD and was told he was 'borderline' and didn't require medication.
So I am still alone, doing everything, sleeping and eating alone, taking care of the house and am crushed that I'll be 60 years old next year, without feeling loved or cherished. I am not able to work so I remain in this sad existence. He has not read any books or websites about ADD and refuses to do a thing now to save this marriage.
PS: Can't find a therapist in TN because they are mostly "Christian counselors" who have no clue about sex addiction...
recovery nation
by brendab - 04/08/2010 - 16:09
KatH,
I was married for 34 years to someone with a sex addiction and the pain you are experiencing is paralyzing. Please go to www.recoverynation.com. Half the website is to help the sex addict develop a value system, and the other half is for the partner to reclaim the values that have slowly eroded from years of pain.
There is a strong, vibrant woman just under the surface of all that discouragement. The lessons will help you understand the dynamics of what you have lived, and they will help you create a plan for inner change. It is really hard work to change and reclaim who you were before, but I can tell you that it is not only possible but I am proud of who I am now. I live a values based life, and am much better making decisions on values rather than fear these days.
We are all a work in progress, but sometimes life throws us something we can be buried in for a long time. I am 57 years old and I am proof that there is a life for you if you will reach out to the support available for free on this website. You will find the people who post on the forum much like those here, they understand and feel your pain.
Brenda
Add and sex addiction
by KatH - 04/08/2010 - 22:08
Thank you, dear friend, for your inspiring words. I will visit this website and pray for strength to either release myself from this hell on earth or believe he will work towards change. Please send me your email address so I can talk to you more. Many regards.
KatH
by brendab - 04/12/2010 - 09:24
KatH,
As far as I know I can't post my personal email on this forum. You will have a great support system if you go to the website. As you read their stories, you will see yourself and know you aren't alone.
Brenda
Perpetual confusion of non-ADD spouse/newly sexless
by Annecan - 07/05/2010 - 19:39
Dear KatH. I wish we lived in the same town and could go have a cup of coffee. I really feel your pain, and hearing you share is helping me know I'm not losing my mind. I've been married 36 years to my ADD husband. I lived for about 20 of those years not knowing anything about ADD, but just being constantly confused, perplexed, angry, sad,---you know the whole story. Although many of the behaviors have been hard to handle, the one that has really thrown me for a loop recently is the sex issue. When we were dating, he was attentive, romantic, sweet and loving. When we were young marrieds, we had a great sex life. When the kids came along, I began noticing what I thought was "his version" of being romantic was actually often rude and disrespectful behavior. For example, one night when I was making spaghetti and the kids were nearby watching t.v., he came home from work and just grabbed my personal body parts and began fondling me in a disrespectful way. I was totally thrown off by it. I've come to believe that what i was interpreting as romance in the earlier years of marriage, was mostly just sex--and me looking the other way from my needs and always giving in to his. The other strange thing he would do (and sometimes still does) is to walk by me and just "brush" up against me just enough for me to question whether he did what I thought he just did or not. It's almost like him keeping me confused on purpose. I know a lot of the ADDers say they don't purposely do things to undermine their spouses, but I'm not sure I always agree with that. Sometimes I think my husband likes to keep me off guard. So I'm not always the one who seems to be in control. Anyway, after many many years of him needing, often demanding sex, suddenly last year he just stopped. Just stopped! He's 61 now, and has been dealing with erectile disfunction problems for the past three or four years, but I've never pressured him. I would be happy to just be close, but when the sex went, so did any closeness, cuddling, and even touching. I know you know what this did to my self esteem. I got pretty down on myself thinking because I'm now 57 I'm just not attractive anymore. I'd go to bed crying. I finally realized this wasn't my problem after all--it was HIS. The weird thing was when I tried to talk to him about it, tell him maybe he should get a physical exam (for medical problems of sexual disfunction, etc.), he just said it wasn't about me, and he didn't want to talk about it. He doesn't want help, but what totally BLOWS MY MIND (excuse me, but I really mean this), is that he does not seem to have any cares about what it might be like for me to just suddenly realize I will never have sex again. I'm not the type of person to have an affair, so where does that leave me? How can he do this, and how can anyone not even try to share with their wife of 36 years what's going on? (He hates counselors--won't go). I have no indication of him viewing porn (he says he thinks it's horrible and "nasty" when people do), but how do i know he's not. He swears he's not having an affair, but what is a wife to think? I've been through so many years of ADD -- all the aspects of it. I really did not see this one coming. It helps so much to read that I'm not alone. Does anyone else ever question if you're dealing with an ADD problem that you would want to be supportive about, or if your husband might be hiding secrets from you? It's so hard to tell. If I ever found out it was porn or an affair on his part, that would be it.
lack of sex in add
by lad33hektik07 - 07/04/2010 - 19:36
Quick question...if ADD decreases sex drive, why does my spouse look at porn all the time?
Myth... In my humble opinion
by yyz - 07/04/2010 - 20:28
ADD pre or post medication has not changed my drive at all. I would call it a total non-effect. I also could care less about porn.
porn
by KatH - 07/12/2010 - 14:59
Porn
by BuTTUgLee - 07/12/2010 - 15:28
I think is it part of the adrenaline factor. They know they are doing something they shouldn't be doing and could possibly get caught. This gives them a nice surge of adrenaline. It is even better if you catch them or find it later on there computer. Sad... Been there and it's not fun. Just one more thing that beats you down.
progress
by KatH - 07/12/2010 - 14:56
Sexual Desire
by MelissaOrlov - 07/13/2010 - 21:52
is a complicated thing. The research that says that some with ADHD report lower sex drive does not say WHY this is the case - in other words while the researchers were looking at a group of people with ADHD they do not know if the ADHD is the cause. That said, here's what I see:
And more.
I also see couples in which it is the non-ADHD spouse who says "no sex." Sometimes the ADHD partner is banished to the sofa as a form of punishment or because the relationship has become so stressed that one or both partners aren't comfortable in the same bedroom. I've also had couples tell me that their sex life is a mess because they are now "parallel playing" and not very interested in interacting.
Is this ADHD? Well, probably. But it's not just the ADHD. Usually it's both the ADHD and the partner's response to the ADHD that's creating the full blown issue.
How to fix? It's part of the larger picture of making your interactions stronger and feeling more connected in a general way. Usually the sex life comes back rather late in the process since it often depends upon trusting each other...which happens after both of you have fully come to terms with the ADHD and started to overcome it.
I have a boy friend with ADD.
by loney - 08/02/2010 - 17:05
I have a boy friend with ADD. I have just as our sex life die. Since we starting having sex he was in control of it. I never mind until one day it all stop sex, sex play all of it just stopped out of the blue. Of cause I got worried and asked what happened and he said nothing to me. Not to long after we started to have sex again but is was like he wasn't enjoying and was just doing it for me. Then he started having a hard time getting hard but only with me if we looked at porn he got hard. Again sex stopped again I asked him what happened but this time I noticed that he was looking at porn a lot and even started to save it on the computer he and I shared. This time I forced him to tell what was going on. He told me that he wanted a threesome. After that he never stopped talking before long it was the one thing we talked about how he wanted and felt he needed one to be happy. It move on from that to he will get one from me by his birthday with one of my best friends. This of cause got me anger and I stopped talking to him. Then he asked me what did he was wrong. During all this time still no sex but he still wanted blow jobs, hand jobs and boob jobs from me but I don't get anything in return but pain. Every time we were with my friend(s) he kept hinting out it almost out right asking them. Again no sex but this time he didn't even ask for what he wanted. So I looked in to it and fond he was looking at porn a lot most if not all his time on the computer was spent on porn and games. He always look at porn of threesome and many girls with one or no guy. I talked to him about he said it was just he was of not asking me for these things but he still did all the time every time we were alone. I spent more time with our dog then him even when he was home he was on the computer I had barely any time on it at all. Now I have my own computer so we no longer share one. Now every time I see him on the computer he is looking at porn and masturbate 5 or more times a day all of which are When I'm asleep. He hides everything he does from me. Just the other day I got him to talk to me about it and he says he wants about 7 to 8 women sometimes more and he feels bad about doing this to me because he loves me but he just can't get it out of his mind. There are many times when I feel I should leave him so he can go wild then came back to me when he has claimed down but I just can't do it I love him too much it hurts so much I just don't know what to do any more.
To I have boyfriend with ADD
by KatH - 08/02/2010 - 17:42
I am sorry this is happening to you and you can read in this forum what I've been through, not with a boyfriend, but a husband of 37 years and porn addiction and his ADD. When I discovered he was looking at porn secretly (ask him if he would do this IN FRONT of his wife/girlfriend) and masturbating and figured out this is why he had neglected me for more than 12 years, I threatened divorce. There is no way I wanted to live with a man who 1) was lying to me; 2) rejecting me and my affection; 3)being selfish and not thinking of me, his life partner; 4) knowing it was abnormal but wasn't trying to change; 5) living a life apart from me and separating us both physically and emotionally. After he realized that I was confident enough and would be better off without him, he saw a psychiatrist and started SA (sex addition) meetings. He went to 3-4 meetings a week and met others who have the same addiction, was able to tell his story and was counseled by the therapist. I/We are seeing a therapist now to better our relationship, our sex life (he is also a sex therapist and hypnotist) and to talk about how his need for porn started in the first place. I also see the therapist on my own to help me love myself and appreciate myself more should I decide to leave him in the future.
Your relationship is suffering and so are you. I hope you can find the strength to make a decision that will help you. Life is so very short and when I look back at the years I wasted, crying every day and thinking it was MY FAULT that he wouldn't touch me, I know now I should have questioned and caught him in the act - and moved on THEN.
I send my best to you always.
After reading this page I
by loney - 08/06/2010 - 10:24
After reading this page I told him that if he wanted anything else from me that he would have to going a week without looking at porn. The whole week he is telling that he hasn't looked at porn. I still having some trust for him believed him but today I looked at his computer history and like he did before he deleted his history so I wouldn't see it but I looked into he short saved history and found he had just last night looked at porn and both he computer and he game system. When just a few mins before he told me again he hasn't look at any all week. When he comes home I plan to talk to him about this and I'm not sure how I'm going to go about this. I'm so mad at him for lying like he did and for forcing me into this. So is there anyway I should try when I talk to him?
Sex and ADHD
by roonierella - 08/06/2010 - 21:58
I see that most of the comments seem to be focused on the husband as the ADD/ADHD spouse. What about ADHD/ADD wives? I have been married for almost 3 years and have been with my husband for 6.5 years. I am the ADHD spouse in our relationship and I currently take Adderall XR. I'm chatty, easily distracted and am a multi-tasking fiend. My husband is WONDERFUL about letting me talk on and on, or letting me jump around from one project to another. The only area where we have an issue is when it comes to sex. He has always had a far greater sex drive than my own, but sex has never been the top item on my priority list. My husband has gotten a lot better about not getting so frustrated or angry when he is sexually frustrated (let me point out that sexually frustrated means having not had any sexual encounter with me or release with my assistance for at least a week), but I always feel so guilty that I am just not into sex as much as he is and I feel bad that he remains unsatisfied. I never really thought about how ADHD could be a contributing factor to the problem until I started looking at this site. He always tells me that when I'm into it, I am into it, but it is getting me there that is the problem. Until we talked about it I never realized my being easily distracted was actually hurting him emotionally. He will spend an hour or so just hanging out, trying to get me in the mood, and without thinking I will, for example, just get up and start doing laundry - totally oblivious that I just left my sexually frustrated husband sitting in the bedroom. Other times I know he is in the mood, but I am so not in the mood, but I don't want to tell him that because he is so sexually frustrated that telling him I am not in the mood will make him more angry than he already is. Rather than say anything, I just change my focus to the dog, the TV, or something else.
Luckily I have a wonderful husband who is very understanding, so I am not concerned about losing him as a result, but if anyone is having the same experiences, do you have any suggestions? I think my big problem is there are just so many other unfinished things (dishes, laundry, paying bills, cooking dinner, dirty counters, work) that end up at the forefront of my thoughts and I just can't focus on anything else (like sex) until I clear those other things from my thoughts.
Does this make any sense? Can anyone offer some suggestions?
Thanks.
ADD wife and sex
by DerbyChick - 08/07/2010 - 18:12
It's a very large bone of contention with us. Whenever he wants to talk about it, I shut down. For some reason I feel very threatened by these conversations, and I don't want to be. He's also a very meticulous person, and would rather have showered before hand, and I would just like some more spontaneity! Is there some middle ground where we can meet?
What if you surprise him by
by roonierella - 08/08/2010 - 21:11
What if you surprise him by joining him in the shower? My husband and I had a discussion about ADHD/Sex, etc. Friday night. I really wasn't in the mood, but I decided to make a compromise but surprising him during his morning shower on Saturday by joining him. We didn't have sex, but it helped relieve some of his frustration. As contradictory as it sounds, sometimes you have to plan your spontaneity. Or, maybe you could find a way to add his need for meticulous hygiene into your spontaneous romps. :) By instigating some initial compromise it may make the discussions a little less daunting and gives you a place to start (the conversation). It will allow you to add a little spontaneity and then solicit his feedback on the encounter.
I hope this helps.
My personal feeling is that
by SherriW13 - 08/20/2010 - 16:19
My personal feeling is that if you're married to someone who is addicted to porn, there are 3 people in the relationship..you, him/her, and the porn. I recently did a research paper on Adults with ADD and it is very common for ADDers to have an addictive personality..whether it's porn, alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.
It is heartbreaking to see so much suffering and so many people's lives left in the destructive wake of ADD. Worse yet, to see those with ADD who are doing a lot of the hurting be in such denial about how destructive their behaviors are..or that they're even doing anything wrong.
Our sex life has been the same roller coaster ride as our marriage and struggles with (what we know now to be) ADD. During times of high stress, thus increased ADD behaviors and increased fighting I withdrew and put up walls. The "attention" he claimed he needed desperately, I withheld because he was being very hurtful and the marriage/relationship was so horrible. There was just no connection. We hit rock bottom, separated for a while, and finally 'got it' and reconciled. Since then, we're much more on the same page as far as our sex drives go. He was just recently diagnosed, so I wouldn't say that his ADD causes him to have an unusually high sex drive, but there have been periods in our marriage (knowing what I know now) that I can look back and see where I feel it caused him to have a very low sex drive. The specific aspect of ADD that fueled that, in my opinion, was his lack of self-esteem. He'd spent a few years in a horrible marriage before we met and her belittlement and degrading treatment of him (of course not understanding his ADD, and not really caring either) had worn him down. It took quite a few years of us being together before he felt secure enough to relax and enjoy himself.
"Curing" the porn addiction
by Tasla - 09/02/2010 - 07:14
I feel in my 3 year relationship with my (live-in) boyfriend we've come a long way with the porn. I have nothing against porn, in and of itself, but the way he was using it was a bit too much. Before we moved in together, he might spend a whole day on the couch, watching movie after movie (porn) and giving himself a hand over and over again. After we moved in together, he would often do it if I went out at night (after my son was asleep).
My feelings slowly moved from "huh, you were watching porn while I was out" to "do you just wait for me to leave the house so you can do that???" After a while I started to feel rejected and hurt and feeling like he liked the porn women better than me, etc. Another thing that bothered my was that the child might wake up and with him being hyperfocused on the porn he might not notice him approaching. After a few discussions (read: me crying, him apologizing for hurting my feelings) he promised to lay off the porn for awhile. He had a couple of slip-ups, but to my knowledge he hasn't watched porn for over a year, unless we're watching together (which we sometimes do).
Maybe he didn't really have an addiction (although it felt at least close to that) and maybe I just got lucky, but I believe his love for me and not wanting me to feel hurt, rejected, unimportant and all that were what "cured" him of the porn addiction. Of course I had to be vocal about it and it had to be clear that this was about my feelings and me having a hard time enjoying sex if I always felt he was comparing me to the porn women.
Also, after he almost ceased masturbating (which he mostly did while watching porn), he is much quicker to reach orgasm during sex. I have read that men who masturbate a lot can have a harder time reaching orgasm during sex, since the friction is different. He's gone from about 30 minutes to less than 5 (he can keep going longer, but if we're in a hurry he can be done in 5 minutes). That has helped our sex life a lot, since back problems for me often prevent me from having intercourse for a long time. Knowing that we can sometimes just make it a quickie makes me willing more often, which again makes him happier (he is definitely one of the ADD guys that wants a lot of sex, not the other way around).
P.S. I've been reading on this forum for over 2 years but this is my first post. I feel like I want to dump out my life story (or at least my relationship story) all at once, but am going to try to contain myself.
masturbate a lot can have a harder time
by Pink - 09/02/2010 - 09:13
I husband with ADD and he does watch porn on the computer and maybe that why I avoid or don't enjoy having sex with him and more over... it takes him a long time to come. I get bored. I am thinking of what you said I am not sure if the med he takes or because he masturbate a lot. Like you said "I have read that men who masturbate a lot can have a harder time reaching orgasm during sex." If I tell him that I am sure he will be get more angry. He keep telling me that I don't help him and he can't do it in 5 min. He used in back then. But now everything is my fault.
Would he be willing to at least try?
by Tasla - 09/02/2010 - 09:29
Maybe you can ask him nicely to try not masturbating for 2 weeks and see if there is any change ? Of course, if your issues are more than just the sex part, 2 weeks might not be enough.
I've found that (assuming I have his attention) he responds better to my feelings than logical reasons or me pointing stuff out - that seems to bring out his stubbornness more (or oppositional defiant disorder or whatever the pc term is). When I can get him to understand that I feel bad and maybe if we tried X I would feel better he is more open to it.
Also, after I developed a painful disorder (that one book suggested might be from the stress of living with someone with ADD...), he has been much more helpful around the house, because he gets that if my back is shot from doing housework, we certainly won't be having sex. I do have to remind him though and he leaves a lot of stuff half done, but it's better than nothing.
I feel like life is just
by loney - 08/22/2010 - 04:16
I feel like life is just never going to get any better for me. My life is like a bad dream that never seems to stop. At this time my bf and my life has been very hard with little income and having to worry about how we will eat is hard by it self but here we are having to fight with his ADHD. Sex never really happens anymore we just don't ever have sex and I'm starting to get to the point where if i have to any longer without I will just go and sleep with one of the man that want to but I don't want that at all. I want to have sex with my bf again and no one else. While he wants (us) to have sex with a room full of girls. I have gone 2 whole yrs with very little sex at all. In the pass 2yrs we had sex only 10 times and every time he didn't last long at all. It felt like we never had sex at all.I just don't know how much longer I can last.