Sex and ADD
I've done alot of reading on this site today and have learned alot. My husband has finally went to the doctor and is getting treated for his ADD. He is taking Aderall xr and Wellbutrin. Today is his frist day on it. I've been trying to do as much research as possible being a non ADD spouse and how to deal with your ADD spouse. I can deal with the disorganization and the lack of chores done aroudn the house being that my job being at my home makes it easy to keep up with him. I guess the main problems with his ADD that bothered me were his impulsive decisions (including his desire to look at porn all the time) and his anger that was always out of porportion to the situation. But up until the research I've done today did I realize that ADD alone can cause a decrease in sex drive especially in men. Did I get some wrong information? Or is it true? If so how can we fix it? Or do I need to just face the fact that our relationship seems to be in a far bigger hole that I imagined. I use to blame the lack of sex on stress, being tired, the new baby, his medicines. I can't hardly take it anymore. Use to be what helped me get through his "ADD times" to stick with him would be the good loving husband that I seen on other days. Now I feel like we are just roomates. Co parents to our daughter. What a great dad he is. I just wish he could be a better husband. If the meds work the way they are suppose to will all this help those things. Or do we need ALOT more help than I figured. Please give me some feedback. I know I have read alot on some similar situations but all of which seemed without hope and there was no way to make things better.
Technorati Tags: Anger, Frustration & ADHD
Sex and ADD
Research suggests that low sex drive can be one element of ADD (one study found that 49% of adults with ADD report lacking interest in sex sometimes or more often, vs. 25% of the population at large). Anti-depressants can also decrease interest in sex for some people (Wellbutrin is an antidepressant).
ADD symptoms such as distraction can contribute to a decrease in sex life (doing other things, so never get around to sex) and you mention several of those types of things (kids, etc) in your note. Also, if you are now on the status of "friends" that doesn't help, either.
Distraction issues can be helped with medication (and scheduling time to have sex, as unromantic as that sounds) and fixing some of your growing marital issues may also go a long way towards getting you back together. Therefore, I think it is likely, given what you write, that you will both need counselling. Talk with your doc (or his) about the best combination for this (solo or marital counselling). A good therapist who is familiar with ADD can help you resolve some of the grief you are feeling and improve communication between the two of you about your issues.
Hang in there....for now anyway!!
I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you other than assure you this problem is not uncommon and you are not alone. I was quite surprised as well when I found out lack of interest in sex was a symptom of ADD. (I personally have never met a man who wasn't interested in sex!) When I met my boyfriend he was right at the end of cancer treatment which of course causes ED. I was patient and understanding up to a point! Now he is over a year recovered and has gone to the Dr. to get shots that give him an erection, however he is totally uninterested in sex. I too feel like we are just roomates although he has been making an effort to be somewhat more affectionate. He at least hugs and kisses me now. Thankfully he doesn't look at porn, however he spends hours on his computer playing poker and video games. Meanwhile I do all the housework and his numerous hobbies and collections gather dust piled almost to the cieling in the spare room. I actually resorted to an affair last year which of course ended badly, this I would not recommend. From what I have read the meds hopefully will work on this issue. My BF is just now making appointments for treatment for his ADD, so we shall see. He finally took the steps to get treatment when he realized I was thinking of leaving him because really I too feel like I just can't take it anymore. It does feel hopeless, however I know this man loves me and I love him. It sounds like you are making the effort to focus on your husbands positive qualities. This is what I do too and it really helps. I don't think any situation is hopeless when the person with the problem is willing to do something about it. What I have decided to do is give it a year and see what happens. I have been and continue to kindly inform my boyfriend of my needs and expectations in the relationship. It sounds like your husband has stepped up to it so give it some time and see what happens. Meanwhile you can take care of yourself and make sure you have everything in order so if you decide to leave the marriage you have a plan to do so. By the way my man was Mr. Wonderful when we met 2 years ago, did everything he could to get me but as soon as he had me, well you know the rest. He just informed me about 6 months ago about the ADD, he has known all along he had it and when I started to educate myself, all the things that drive me crazy about him can be attributed to the ADD. It's taken me this long to nag him into treatment!!
he wants sex all the time
Well my husband is the opposite. He wants kissing and sex all the time. He could do it three times a day everyday. And he gets angry when I don´t want it.Also when he wants sex he comes to me and suddenly touches the parts of my body he likes. It is so annoying. I do have a lot of sexual desire, but the way he acts puts me off. He thinks I have a biological problem, he doesn´t realize what is happening. O do not have any problem, I love sex and I get aroused very easily. If he would stop trying to force me to have sex and we were closer as a couple, then we would have much more sex. Only if he would remember I am a person, not his sex toy. But he really doesn´t get it....
Sex Toy
It sounds to me as if he equates sex with love and you, being a typical woman, need more than that. It was ever thus...
Take the initiative here and create situations which put the two of you in situations that will help you feel closer (perhaps a romantic dinner and dancing night?) Also, you should be open about your need to feel treasured, not just pawed. Show, and tell, him what that means to you - since you are not on the same wavelength, it's unreasonable to expect that he already knows it.
It is your right to have sex only when you want it..."teach" him that he will get more of what he wants if he treats you in a way that makes you feel sexy, rather than demeaned, and then show him what that means. Else you are on the road to a big time collision - one in which you lose your respect for him (he doesn't view you as a person, why should you respect him) and he loses interest in you (too "cold").
Best of luck with it.
ADHDers are often Porn/Sex Addicts!
Hi,
I'm surprised that I am not seeing any mention of this so far that I have read on this site. ADHDers commonly have addictions as a part of that whole instant gratification thing. Sex/porn addiction is just one more way of getting that. If he is indeed addicted to sex/porn, then that is yet one more thing he needs to address with therapy, 12-step, whatever - just the same as if he were addicted to drugs or alcohol. I'm a member of an online support group for ADHD spouses, and let me tell you, sex/porn addiction is common enough an issue that entire sections of the site deal with this specific issue. I have to say I haven't seen nearly enough on this issue in what little research exists out there on the Adult ADHD social/relationship experience. I guess because both Adult ADHD and Sex Addiction are genuine issues that have only started to get their proper share of attention within the past 10 years.
For my part, hubby totally treated me like a blow-up doll - there completely for his own instant sexual gratification. And since the ADHD and lack of empathy and the whole misfire in his brain on the idea that intimacy is different from sex, it made our sex life completely unenjoyable. I too was told that I was the problem and that I must be "frigid". No, I have a perfectly healthy sex drive, I'm just not one of the nameless girls from the porn sites you obsess about and I don't want to be treated the same way that an alcoholic treats a bottle of booze or a drug addict treats a dime bag - as a means to an addictive end. He's used porn to the point of leaving the "end results" of his porn interest all over our family computer, clogging the computer with porn to the point it couldn't function - repeatedly, losing his wedding ring in a peek booth ONE MONTH after the wedding, using porn on a goverment computer while in the military, so overused the porn that he could no longer ejaculate without it, he zones out completely during sex so focused on his own climax that his partner ceases to exist. These are all common features of addiction -- and that is an issue for him to deal with through 12-step work or therapy.
My setting up "romantic interludes" like unaware therapists so often suggest has absolutely nothing to do with it. Should the wife of an alcoholic throw him a party in a bar complete with booze in order to get him to stop drinking? Having the spouse of a sex/porn addict attempt "romantic" interludes with an active sex/porn addict is equally rediculous. There is too much dumping onto the spouse with this sort of an issue. It's not something the spouse can correct by being more available, more "willing to try new things" or whatever other "lighten up" type message is out there.
I would wholeheartedly encourage anyone out there struggling with this issue to read "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes. He is the definitive source for information about sex/porn addiction. I think people in the ADHD community could really benefit from more understanding about this painful, intimacy-demolishing, issue.
Stepping down off my soap box...
Porn addict husband...help!
Someone please help me. I just don't know what to do about my husband's addiction to porn. With each new post I get more and more depressed and scared. I am really at a loss for how to handle this one. He looks at porn EVERY single day...even when he only has a few minutes on the computer, he's looking. AND That is just what I know about! I check his computer daily...obviously I have issues with trusting him, and this is partly why.
Thanks for any advice offered.
porn addict husband
i belive i have ADD (man) and am married. It use to scare me how much intreest in sex I seemd to have. Recently I realised i have ADD and can put the problem into context. His behaviour is mostly harmless as long as he understands the casue and you can support him through it without taking it as a major insult to you.
Certian forms of ADD requires high stimulation to focus the mind. Anything highly stimulating can grab our attention.
It is just poor attention control due to our rational mind being insufficently aroused to stop seeking irrational activity. It is a from of medication to maintian focus on something and avoid jumping everywher.
Solution is he needs to learn about ADD, your loving support of his behaviour as a physicall illness of the brain and not a weakness of personality and anti- depressents to stimulate the logical mind.
If not happy with anti depressent then take L-TRYPTOPHAN it is a amino acid. Mood stabalisers also help.
Your love and understanding is the best cure. No magic answers but matter of finding harmless ways of obsessing on something. How about a computer game? Found "Spore" a pretty harmless distraction except my wife gets uptight even with that. If you disapporve, he will just go undeground and then you can't help him. Both of you need to learn typical ADD behaviours and see them as issues of the disorder and not just your reationship problems.
Porn Addiction Advice
Thank you for your advice and resource on this difficult topic. People with ADD often suffer from addictions, porn being just one of them. 12 step and other programs can help, and spouses who run into this need to recognize it as an addiction that needs treatment, not letting any embarrassment or horror they may feel get in their way of requesting their spouse (usually husband) seek help.
it used to be worse
I am the one who wrote the message "he wants sex all the time", and you have just described what I always felt. When my husband had just statarted therapy, she (the therapist) asked me to go there once and I left so depressed because I could see that she too thought this was my fault. I thought that she wanted to talk to me to better understand the situation, but she actually wanted to nag me. When I said that he would become too nervous and anxious after a period without sex, she said she could undestand him. But, what really made me angry was when she seemed to think I had a self-esteem problem and was ashamed of my body, then again when she tried to teach me about how sex is important in a marriage. My husband is a little better after therapy, though. He doesn´t see porn as much as he used too and masturbates less. He used to spend every night looking at porn on the net and didn´t bother to delete things. He even looked at girls during the day, even if I was in the house. Whenever he was in the computer, I stayed on bed and never walked around the house, to avoid being embarrassed and embarassing him. Despite his stupid attempts to hide it from me I knew what he was doing. I felt on a prison inside my own house. I work hard to pay the bills and couldn´t enjoy being home on my non-working hours, while he was always sleeping or seeing girls on the net. I was nervous when we visited my folks because I thought he could see porn there and leave the images there too, and he actually did it a few times. I never borrowed our laptops to anyone (I still don´t), because people will see what are the most popular websites in my family. He used to stare at all young and beautiful girls in the streets, and that troubled me because our girl will grow up and have a beautiful body one day (I used to get paranoid about the consequences of that). It also made me wander if he really felt atracted to me, I am nothing like the girls he looks at, they are much younger as well, that together with the fact that he sometimes behaves like a teenager made me wander if I am not too mature for him. Well... I lived years like that, but If this ever happens again, I will certainly get a divorce. Despite the progress, we still have a long way to go to make our sex life better, I still feel I am there to please him, it doesn´t feel like it´s a two-way thing. He can´t feel what I like or deslike, and if I tell him he gets upset. Me too I don´t trust my husband, I am sure that if he had the opportunity to do it with somebody else, he would. But I also fear that I am the one who might do it with somebody else someday, because sometimes I really wish I had a normal grown up man to go to bed with, someone who could simply relax with me.
Some Therapists Just Don't Get Sex/Porn Addiction...
I empathize with your bad experience with his therapist. Those who can't see/refuse to see that this is an addiction just as much as alcholism or drug abuse do FAR MORE damage to their clients and their spouses than they could ever possibly help.
Way back early on about 15 years ago, hubby even went so far as to start without me when I was asleep. I'd be lying in bed and wake up with him on top of me chugging along...Given that I was raped by a boyfriend as a teenager, you can imagine the feeling of violation it would bring to wake up to find my then-fiance on top of me doing his thing without having even first asked me if I was in the mood! When we discussed this with the therapist we were seeing at the time, her response was that I shouldn't sleep so soundly - totally dumping the fault on top of me. We've since figured out that ADHD hubby is so sleep deprived (he has to get up for work at 4AM, but he never seems able to go to bed before midnight-1AM. This is why he's overslept, been late to work, and lost jobs.) that sometimes he just truly does not know what he's doing or saying during the night even though he appears to be "awake". At one point, he even stayed overnight at a sleep study center, but they said they found nothing.
Since he started therapy with an educated therapist and also joined a 12-step group, things are better, but far from perfect. I too joined a 12-step group for partners of sex addicts and that empowered me to create much-needed boundaries in our lives. I have a password on my computer that only I know - if hubby wants to use the computer, he has to ask me first. I do not allow him to use my computer when I am not around. He ranted and raved about that at first, but I have kids here that use my computer and I have to worry about protecting them from the things hubby would leave on the front screen! I also have to do my job and schoolwork from this computer and he's caused it crash numerous times. So whether or not he likes the boundary, tough - I have it. I have also set up a boundary where I will not have sex with him during the night, meaning if he is half-asleep. He cannot be attentive to anyone but himself at these times, so I refuse to do it. I also have the right to call a halt to the encounter if I can tell he's off in his own world. With therapy and 12-step, he is much better a partner than he had ever been before. The irony for him is that he found that I was much more willing to be sexual with him once he learned about his addiction. Before, he was so focused on his own constant sexual needs that it pushed me away. Now he is a better partner and he is much more likely to get frequent, enjoyable sex.
One other therapist said something to the effect that I had to "loosen up." I've heard from other women who were told that they should seek medical treatment for their frigidity or that they needed to be more willing to experiment or even the ever-popular "men will be men - you just have to be tolerant and understand this." Funny thing is, it isn't just men who are sex addicts - there are plenty of women out there too. Hubby says about 10-15% of the people at his meetings are women. So how does that cop-out explain them?!? I've said it before - not all therapists are equal. There is nothing saying you have to stay with a bad therapist or one who just does not get your particular issues. If it isn't working, find someone else who can help. My two cents only...
Porn addiction getting worse
I'm so glad I stumbled on this post, I felt alone in this problem. My husband does have some elements of ADD, but it involves getting very involved in art projects. My husband is becoming more distant, not interested in sex (with me) and I recently found a huge stash of downloaded CDs, so now I know what he does at work. No wonder he doesn't care when I go out of town on business trips. When using the "family" computer downstairs, I also had a popup advertising sluts in our local area (with our city name) who are looking for sex. I also wondered why instead of coming up and hugging or kissing he would automatically reach for the privates, or attempt to insert fingers in the privates (while I'm cooking dinner, washing dishes, etc). He has also made demeaning jokes about me to others, which was very embarrassing not only to me but the other people. Our sex life (when we had it) has become more of a mutual masturbation session, he cannot have an orgasm with intercourse anymore. For the past year or so I've been jealous of other couples that I see that appear to be in love - at this point I feel like I'm a roommate and monetary support. My question is, how do you broach the subject of the porn? He flies off the handle easily nowadays. I'm at the stage where I'm about ready to pack it up and move on, life is too short to live like this.
your situation seems so sad
your situation seems so sad in the way it hurts both of you but what is more tragic is how easily it could improve with a bit of honesty and love on both your parts. You got to understand ADD is not an easy thing to live withjust becasue there are no physical symtoms you can see. He is not isulting you so much as being desperate to cope.
How would you be if he was in hospital with a serious injury? At it's worst ADD is similar everyday!
I don't agrre with his method of coping but he can only do this better with your love and him understanding the issues of ADD. The problem is simply him seeking high level of arousal to maintian focus otherwise he would fall apart. The answer is to find a better way to get arousal in a way which is less destructive and addictive.
If you truly want to love and have a meaningful relationship with what you have then don't take his beahviour as an attack on you but rather simple desperation. Running to a new releationship means another bunch of new issues and problems. It seems you have insecurity issues of your own and are unable to emapthse with a man. These will carry over to your next relationship.
After all, as a women you seek a loving and meaningful relationship. What better way to do this then to love your man enough to help him become a better human being rather then just saying how stupid and disgusting he is to you.
sex and add
This is a difficult topic to get a grip on after reading the many stories. What I gather is some people feel like one is being too judgemental and not understaning if one is bothered by a porn habit. They other reaction is just plain hurt and uneasiness which is easy to understand. What people don't seem to get is that obviously the porn has become a habit...it's not just a case of boys will be boys....it's like drugs...first it's the small stuff and then comes the harder stuff. As a mother and a woman I am worried about stds...and those sorts of things. Obviously...if there is lack of impulsive control....it makes wives/gf's uneasy. There is a trust factor also... women want to feel security and if there is a lack of trust or security in a relationship...many aspects of a relationship suffer. It's blurry this topic...it's like: Don't let the add be an excuse yet at the same time we are suppose to be loving and understanding. I haven't been able to reach this middle ground.
Over-sexual ADD spouse-I am having same issues-you are NOT alone
Hi there-I was so glad to read your post. In the sexual forum, people are mostly writing about low sex-drive. My husband is just like yours, and I am so glad to hear that your reaction is JUST like mine! It is validating to know that I am normal for not liking the grabbing, clawing, demanding, and extremely immature behavior. I used to enjoy sex also, but this approach literally makes my skin crawl...it's offensive, unromantic, and totally lacking in respect.
The advice you were given is good advice...for a normally functioning couple. But when you're dealing with a deeply ADD personality, talking, teaching, and planning romantic evenings that will put you in the mood are not going to change anything. In fact, with an ADD spouse, these are all scenarios that can cause even more conflict. Communication is such a major source of conflict and disappointment in an ADD marriage...suggesting that you can work on the problem by talking and teaching is a little off-base. And normal, organized, adult behaviors like planning and executing a nice, paid-for, relaxing night of dinner and dancing is also FAR BEYOND the scope of at least my ADD-ers ability. Even if he DID pull it off somehow, at some point in the evening he would end up angry at something imagined, or else withdraw emotionally (probably from the effort expended just making dinner plans!)
I've embarked on this all-out quest for change and improvement for years...each time with hope. But the romantic evenings involve me having to suggest, discuss, plan, and pay for all the plans...and then having to nag and remind so that he would come home/be ready on time...and then despite all my efforts having him come home too late, be utterly clueless about why that was a problem, and suggest that I "chill out" and that we go down to the local dive for a cheap, crappy bite to eat since it's all that's still open. Oh, by the way, he would still expect sex at the end and it would still be initiated by him roughly grabbing one of my extremities and be over 20 seconds later.
MY advice to you is that you allow him to change/get help if and when he wants to, and that you feel good and strong and validated about setting up boundaries regarding your own body. Sex is not an obligation when both parties cannot behave in a respectful, adult manner or when you are not in a functioning, mature adult relationship. And I am saying this as much to myself as to you: expecting that you can make him behave "normally" and trying to change his behavior will always, ALWAYS frustrate you. Make yourself happy, go out with your friends, and find safe ways to have your needs met. Save yourself, and do not invest years of painful, disappointing effort in "fixing" him- he MIGHT improve slightly, but he will suck you dry to get there. Stay with him if you'd like...I did. But attend to your own needs (because he mostly wont) and repeat this to yourself daily: I CANNOT change him, I am resposible for MYSELF.
I wish
I would love to have a great sex life with my husband, but after doing everything around the house, sex to me is just another chore. If my husband helped me out with the chores, curbed his angry outbursts, & made an effort to spend time with me, I'd feel more attracted to him. Right now, I don't like doing anything sexual with him because I feel like I am the only one doing the giving and he is doing all the taking!
Your husbands behaviour is
Your husbands behaviour is very much ADD. He isn't doing these things to be selfish, to spite your or treat you with disrespect. he is desperatley trying to cope with ADD albeit in an incorrect way. If you are fortunate enough NOT to have ADD consider yourself lucky for being given such a wonderous gift. Your relationship is not about give and take but mutual support to overcome mutual problems. Would you ask him to walk on his own if he had broken legs? Would you feel you are doing all the giving if you had to help him get about? Well ADD can be like broken legs or worse at times,. Of course I empathise with your situation and the hard work you put in.
But as someone who unknowingly suffered from ADD up until now and struggled to work out why they were such a horrible, useless person I can well understand your husbands struggle. It is a very serious but invisible problem which can only be overcome with a lot of love and understanding. It is not a weakness of will or defect of personality.
Do you only give a precious gift because you get one occasionally or because you are truly able and want to? He is not treating you a like a succor by taking all the time, he is just coping and behaving the way a person behaves with ADD or broken legs!
Both of you need to learn about ADD and its role in your relationship. There are no cures for it, but some ways to mangage better. I do remember the love of my family went a long way towards my recovery and coping.
Security through Sex
My husband is the same way, he wants sex all the time and it's so mechanical. I've given up on fighting with him. He says that he enjoys it and it gives him his rush of dopamene, but I just don't enjoy it anymore, although I pretend I do because if I looked upset the fight would continue again. He should start exerciseing for that rush! I feel the same way you do!
I suggest you embrace the
I suggest you embrace the fact he does have a sex drive and watch the porn with him.
Sex drive is one thing
Having a healthy sex drive is one thing. Imposing your desires on an unwilling partner is something entirely different. There is a balance to be reached during sex, and that balance can't happen if one person is "turned off" by an activity or behavior. Don't get me wrong, I like porn, but I don't expect everyone else to enjoy it as I do.
embrace and UNDERSTAND
Heather,
your reply was a bit short and I wanted to add that good open communication regarding sexual desires and frequency is as important as an open dialouge on any other marriage issue (budgets, vacations, child rearing,etc.). Much of what I am reading from this moderator gives ENTIRELY too much credit to ADD or ADHD. IT is not that bad of a disorder (if it really even exists chemically and is not just a by product of poor child rearing (expectation setting) by the boomers). My wife has heard the same from my couselor that she must have a self esteem issue and I believe she does. SHe admits it as well. Bottom line is your man (if he is healthy) is going to want it more then you are.. be more accomodating, watch porn with him, lighten up and try to be the "lady in the street but the freak in the bed" for a time (a few weeks) if his porn use and attitude changes then you have isolated the problem. If not... you have a man in need of counseling as I was.
Many of us have been raised to find blame elsewhere.. as we CAN'T be at fault! All I suggest is that you keep an open dialoge and open mind to determine if it is ALL your man's fault or more of a mutual problem
Sex, ADD, addiction and the responsibility of the ADD community
I am so relieved to find a discussion on the seemingly "taboo" subject of addiction to pornography and ADD. My husband is addicted to pornography. It's hard to write that. It's hard to see it on the screen, but it's true. My husband has also been diagnosed with ADD by a psychiatrist.
However, he refuses to get treatment for his ADD because (and I cringe...):
1. It's all in MY head.
2. "What? Like a pill will solve all our problems!"
3. He can "manage it." ( Although I'm still not sure what "it" he is referring to since he is not managing anything well!)
I was diagnosed with ADD after my first year (yeah!) of sobriety at age 37. Looking back it makes sense. Although I was sober - no hangovers, no headaches, no more obsessing over an addiction- I constantly felt overwhelmed. I could never "get my act together." I was so disappointed in myself. I felt completely inadequate. How could all the other moms make breakfast, pack lunches, dress their kids in clean clothes, drive clean cars, live in uncluttered homes, etc. ? Trust me. I was not striving for perfection. I was fine with hot lunch and toothpaste stains on shirts but I couldn't juggle the little I had to juggle.
After years of self-medicating, I had made the bold move to remove my coping mechanism - the alcohol. I didn't know how I was going to get through life feeling like such a loser. Is this what I sobered up for? Was I destined to be miserable? Despite working a dedicated AA program, I longed to escape my feelings of inadequacy through drinking. Clearly I was depressed! However, I am forever grateful that a doctor recognized my real issue was ADD. The depression would dissipate once I treated the ADD.
Two years later I finally convinced (ahem, ultimatum) my husband to attend an intensive marital retreat. I was at my wit's end. Why did we continue to live crisis to crisis? Why did the utilities always get shut off? Trust me - there were bigger issues, but - you get the idea. At the retreat, I pleaded and begged for my husband to accept his diagnosis and take medication for his ADD. When backed into a corner by the counselor, my husband finally disclosed his addiction to pornography. Despite many unfulfilled promises to seek help, two more years have gone by.
He uses pornography the way I used alcohol. His lack of empathy, which likely stems from untreated ADD, really creates a barrier to the possibility of intimacy. He doesn't have "time" for me. Caring actions like complimenting a new hairstyle or arranging for us to get away for a weekend don't even enter his chaotic mind. I mean, he hasn't even had time to do our estate plan. Despite having three children and two subsequent surgeries, I still have no living will - note the fact we've been married 13 years and he is an attorney!!!!! (Sure, I could make an appointment with one of his competitors...) Pornography has invaded our marriage bed because my husband's untreated ADD precludes him from being in a relationship that requires compassion, attention and respect.
For years my husband made excuses for his lack of sexual interest in me. Now that I have 5 years of sobriety and 4 years of successful treatment for my ADD (Adderall XR), I am healthy enough to realize that even if I bought MORE Victoria's Secret lingerie, initiated interest, lost 10 pounds and booked a week's stay in Mexico - it wouldn't matter. This is my husband's problem which requires action on his part. I don't need to "try harder." I am convinced that his untreated ADD is always going to serve as a barrier to having the intimacy I crave as a healthy woman. Even if he "kicked" the pornography addiction, he would likely find another unhealthy coping mechanism to deal with his untreated ADD. I'm able to admit that I understand and I feel compassion, but I also feel a great deal of anger and resentment as a result of his "denial."
I get frustrated when I see so much "positive spin" on the disorder of ADD. There is no medical evidence that ADD brings with it special gifts. In fact, according to Russell Barkley's extensive analysis of leading ADHD studies which are discussed in his book, ADHD in Adults, the opposite is actually documented. I don't have an extra dose of creativity because I have ADD and I take offense when professionals mislead the public by listing the "gifts of ADD."
I urge Melissa and Dr. Ned Hallowell to bring to light more stories on the devastating results of untreated ADD. If more people discussed the crazy and often sick things people do to cope with their untreated ADD, perhaps some train wrecks could be avoided. People with untreated ADHD and their families are often living in "crisis mode." I know we sure are. If the ADD community wants ADD in adults to be taken seriously by educators, insurance companies, physicians, the judicial system, employers, and especially those suffering from ADD yet continue to be in denial, the entire ADD community and its professionals need to start speaking a little more openly and honestly about the havoc this disorder can wreak on individuals, spouses and families if left untreated.
ADD and relationships - a first person's account
I just discovered this great forum.
Here's my take on ADD and complains about sex.
I was diagnosed with ADD in my late 20s. I'm healthy in every otherway. Dont abuse drugs, alchohol or any other stimulant.
My stimulant of choice is sex (and porn - I will come to that shortly). Not so much quantity but variety. For all those women complaining about their ADD husbands' lack of interest in sex - they are just bored. Not bored as a normal person would be (say 7 years after marriage) but bored with the very act of having sex with the same person - doing the same thing. They still love you and find you attractive but ADD has taken its toll. Btw, this same process causes them to have multiple careers and interests (most of them unfinished).
What makes us ADD men interesting for a lot of women (initially) is that we are like little adolescent boys. We love exploring your bodies with the same sense of delight most young men do when they first hit puberty.
But once we have explored everything, we have to move on. That is also where our addiction to porn comes in. Its not that we prefer perfect little women with big boobs and tiny waists. No - its the variety. The variety is what feeds our 'high'. Its the only way we can focus and inturn feel pleasure.
Your husbands may be having problems keeping their erections. They come and go with their focus. This happens to me. Check their 'morning erections' - if they are healthy in every other way - these should be normal. They are normal and very frequent for me. - ED could be due to the constantly wavering focus. Your husbands/BFs may be too embarrassed to confess this.
One of you commented that your partner and you are 'masturbating partners'. Well masturbation helps us stay focused on our fantasies. I have had girlfriends complain about this.
Also, some of you have pointed out that your partners 'space out' while having sex.
There are two reasons for this:
a) they have lost focus
b) they are focusing on one of their 'fantasies'. These fantasies may include you or some porn/movie star or a situation that helps them focus.
I have a theory regarding this (based purely on my personal experience) - so take it for what it is - fantasizing allows us to think about some of the 'variety' that may not be possible in a relationship (sex with a co-worker for instance) - this releases all those chemicals in our brains that help complete the circuit that leads to orgasm.
Porn does the same thing - it is a booster shot to our brains - not porn itself - but the fantasies it spins in our brains.
One last thing. I have never cheated on a girlfriend my entire life. But the longest I have been in a relationship is 2 years. So just because your ADD partner is disinterested in sex, dont jump to the conclusion he/she is cheating.
Your responses are welcome.
First hand account
Thank you so much for your openess. I am really curious about what makes a man or woman be addicted to porn. I kind of understand what you wrote but I need further understanding. Could you explain it in more detail, what it is that it does for you? What do you mean it is like a booster shot to your brain? Why porn? Why not something else?
My husband is severely ADHD and a porn addict. He never seems bored with sex, wants it a lot, although we hardly ever do anymore because I don't feel attracted to him based on his addiction and the way he treats me on a daily basis. I would appreciate your help in my understanding why the porn addiction and what it does. He isn't as self aware as you nor is he able to verbalize things he is feeling.
Thanks
Steph
Steph, To answer your
Steph,
To answer your question - Why Porn?
(I'm going to focus on porn as I have been through failures in my professional life that at times have turned me into an annoying boor - which is not a recipe for romance/sex. Your husband's non-sex related behavioral issues needs the help of an experienced psychiatrist. I can only speak from my personal experience.)
So what is it about porn. Well most men (married, single, in-a-committed relationship) watch porn. Men in general are visually-stimulated creatures.
But what it does for me is that it allows me to switch situations, partners, etc. and bring that variety into play. Also, if I chart my sexual history, I have been upping the ante - taking greater risks - sex in public spaces, dating multiple partners, sex with multiple partners, etc. – doing things that are considered taboo by society.
Normal decency, fear of disease and basic moral values put a cap on this risk-taking behavior - and rightly so. For example, I would never consider engaging a prostitute – though I have seriously considered that option.
Your husband may not want to see you having sex with multiple men - but watching another women - a nameless, 'faceless', porn star - doing it, is far more palatable, exciting even.
This is where, I believe porn comes into play. Its a safe outlet for some of these fantasies. Besides, as the old joke goes 'I cant do that with her - she kisses my children with that mouth'.
However, porn addiction has its price - Physical and Psychological.
Physically, it takes its toll. If your husband watches porn and masturbates (say) twice a day, it will make it difficult for him to go the distance with you. Unless if he's in his 20s - he could do it.
On the mental side, from the research I have done through books and on the web (again, please verify this on your own), the 'high' we achieve from sex/masturbation also takes a toll on our brain.
Just as an ADD brain gets a high from attacking a new challenge (Job, project, love interest, etc.) it gets a high from the fantasies that drive masturbation/sex. Once this high dissipates, we have to look for a new source for this 'high'. Porn (sadly) becomes a safe place to find this new source. Its an endless well of novel experiences.
Lastly, the physical act of sex is not neccessarily the catalyst that achieves orgasm for me - its the fantasy/situation that occupies the driver's seat and brings things to fruition.
Let me give you a few suggestions that have worked for me in past relationships.
I often bring some of my fantasies to the bed room and tease my girlfriend/partner with these.
Most men dont realize that women secretly harbor similar fantasies. We just think women would be grossed out and never let us near them.
I would recommend, dreaming up a fantasy and telling your husband that you had this dream - start with something mild (I'm assuming you havent done this before) - so he does not freak out.
Then a couple of days later tell him it got you really worked up (use some graphic language - again not knowing your background I cant tell you how far to go with this).
Tell him you cant get it out of your head and that you want to act it out.
Also, tell him its ok if he thinks about other women when he's having sex with you. Infact ask him to share some of his fantasies.
Trust me - even if he names your sister or best friend - it is harmless. The fact that he's willing to share that with you tells you he wont try it in real life.
See if this works.
I'll come up with a few more suggestions that have worked for me in the past.
p.s. Most men (Attention deficit or not) have fantasized about their wife's/girlfriend's sister(s).
Also, your feedback is invaluable. This is therapeutic for me as well - just knowing others share my affliction.
Thank you Anonymous
Thanks for your response. I appreciate and value this conversation. You say that most men watch porn. OK, but for HOURS a day? Not just one hour mind you....sometimes 4+ hours! Is that normal? I doubt it. He has never asked me to do anything weird. On the contrary our sex life was very vanilla. I say was because we haven't been together in about 2 months.
I am not the type to go to him with fantasies. PLUS the fact that he is the one with a serious addiction that is ruining our relationship, or more true to reality, has already ruined it, I think HE should be the one to make changes in this relationship.
Tell me, have you lost relationships because of your porn use? This among other serious issues has devastated what I thought we had. I thought I married a kind, gentle, nurturing man who always put me first. Wrong. How wrong I was. Instead I got a porn addicted (seems to have gotten worse over the last few years of our marriage) abusive tyrant. Fraud. That's what it is.
Sorry, I am upset and need to vent today. I am just searching for answers that try to make sense of a senseless situation.
Steph
Steph, I’m by no
Steph,
I’m by no means suggesting that this is your fault.
This is your husband’s responsibility, his problem – in every way. But I guess you being part of this marriage makes it your problem too.
Watching porn in and of itself is not a bad thing – but you are right – 4+ hours is abnormal.
Have I watched porn for 4+ hours? – Yes. Has it affected my work life? – Yes. Has it affected past relationships? – Yes.
So how did I ‘cure’ my Porn addiction? – I reformatted the hard drive on my PC and gave it to charity. Now I use my work-issued laptop to access the web, and I cant access porn (or anything objectionable) for fear of losing my job. A bit drastic, but that is the only way I could walk away from it.
I still watch porn – on DVDs. By their very nature they impose a time limit.
4+ hours of watching porn suggests another problem. Your husband may not be getting that ‘high’ from porn – he’s getting bored with porn too. So he has to keep looking, keep searching, which in turn takes more time.
Also, he seems to be turning away from facing life.
Your husband seems to be having some problems with life in general. Please get him to see a qualified psychiatrist specializing in Adult ADD.
A few books that have helped me understand and handle ADD (in addition to Dr. Hallowell's books):
Please have him seek professional help. I dont think either you or I can address these issues.
p.s. When my professional life became more organized and I found success and meaning there, my porn addiction faded. I still want to watch it - but its more like once/twice a week for a couple of hours at most.
anony
Wow, your comments have helped me more than you know. Keep talking, keep explaining this to me. I truly appreciate it. I just don't think I want to stay around and get him more help. Its exhausting me. Nothing helps him, no meds, no nothing. He just doesn't see how he negatively impacts our relationship....and every single other relationship he has ever had in his life. Every woman he ever dated left him...he talks all the time about his great fear of me leaving him and yet he does nothing to prevent this from happening. I am not a high maintenance person. I ask for very little. I get nothing but abuse and maltreatment. I just don't have anything left in me to give.
* by the way I applaud your growth and self awareness as well. You should be proud of yourself.
Intervention
Steph,
whether you wish to remain in this marriage is your decision and I (nor anyone else) can or should offer any input. Having never married I have no clue as to how marriage truly works. I must say this though, I dread precisely what your husband is putting you through. I know from my dating experience, that once the initial excitment dissipates, I will lose interest and make my wife's life miserable.
At times it seems cowardly not to pursue a meaningful relationship that is 'normal', healthy and (for lack of a better word) conventional. But as they say 'discretion is the better part of valor'. I wouldnt want to destroy 2-3 years of a girls life knowing fully well that I'm not prepared to accept the responsibility that comes with marriage.
Does your husband have family members he is close to - parents, siblings, cousins - can they intervene?
Even though you say you want to quit, you obviously love your husband. You wouldnt be here, on this forum if you didnt.
Best of luck. Let me know if I can help in anyway.
RE:intervention
My husband's family is way worse than him and they wouldn't help in any way.
I do love my husband, but I need to love myself right now. I am planning on leaving him. I just can't take living in fear of his next rage, in fear of what it is exactly he does get from all those hours of porn viewing, not to mention what else he is doing that I DON"T know about, and the pain, resentment and hurt feelings that I get from being married to him. I can't remember the last time I felt that little flutter in my heart for him. Its just shattered into a million tiny pieces now from all the hurts he's inflicted on me. This isn't a marriage where I feel cherished. I feel like he hates me. He acts like he hates me, he talks like he hates me.
I appreciate your offer of support more than you know. Again, your self awareness is incredible.
dear steph
Steph, I have read your posts for quite awhile now and not telling you what to do but honey noone and I mean noone deserves to live with the abuse you have been putting up with. Its been a long time he is not going to change and he is bringing you down with him. I know what I'am talking about after what I went through in my marriage. I just was talking to a neighbor and found out all the abuse that she went through with her husband being an addict and she had to kick him out for her children's safety and hers. You are so sweet you deserve a better life filled with good things not hatefulness. I love my husband too but I know that its not healthy for me to be with him. so I love my life now and see much clearer because when I was with my hubby I was lost feeling like a no good anything.. I know its scary to leave but ask yourself " is this how you want to live like the rest of your life??think about defining your value system like Brenda talked about.that helped me.
My warmest regards to you ((hugs))
Fantasies
What you said about the fantasies fits with what my ADD partner has told me. He likes me to "talk dirty" to him, which I'm not really comfortable with. I get stage fright or something. But he likes to hear about what I've done or would like to do or think about. He closes his eyes and drifts away from me. I hate the detachment. If I don't talk, he drifts away anyway.
I've learned that traditional come-ons don't work for him - he finds it difficult to act on his thoughts, I guess, even though I've assured him I will not mind one bit! He has told me that in the past most of the sex he's had was while drunk. And I think that yeah, we've had a lot of drunk sex as well. I get randy and less sensitive to his unresponsiveness when I drink and he's less worried (about whatever it is he worries about) when he drinks. I certainly don't think that's healthy, but it is what it is.
You just reminded me that he likes it if I send him an email. That works much better for me because I'm a better writer than speaker (I can take my time with the wording and what I'm going to say.) He doesn't care if it's real or not. He just wants something different. That turns him on and then I'm in business. It's late at night, he's in bed and I just sent him one. It's not spontaneous, but hopefully he'll get it tomorrow then I'll get it tomorrow. If you know what I mean.
Very insightful
Although hearing the truth sometimes is an easy thing...thanks for giving such a honest picture...sometimes talking with a spouse or bf is hard not even so much for you but for them...they fear that you will be judgemental or that you will think they are perverts. This gives me alot insight. Thanks.
thanks
thanks for posting this. my boyfriend is ADHD (just diagnosed last year in his mid thirties and successfully medicated) and is totally emersed in porn and fantasy. he rarely wants to have sex or sexual play with me anymore and when he does he just talks through his fantasy of me with another woman. When we do manage to get something started it quickly gets to the point that he won't even let me touch him, he just holds me down and masturbates over me while vocalizing his fantasy.
I don't know how to be interresting to him... I feel like he's seen and done everything he has wanted to do with me, now he's done. No repeat performances required. He loves me and is good to me in every other way, but it just destroys me that I cannot get his attention sexually. I can't stand the constant rejection, and it hurts me that he'd rather get off to porn than be with me.
Please help... what do I do? I am at a total loss....
"I don't know how to be interresting to him"
No touching? Overt talk of other women? Holds you down and masturbates over you? Sounds like emotional abuse in every way. There are ADDers and non-ADDers out there who can treat you lovingly - with tenderness and respect. Cut this guy loose.
emotional abuse
Most of the partners are here because they are seeking a way to cope with the effects of adhd in one way or another. call it abuse, call it what you will, but we are all here to try and find some sense of community, help and support.
My partner and I were friends for nearly 10 years before we became a couple. He decided he wanted more for his life and wanted to stop "chasing highs". I had always told him that I thought he was ADHD. After some soul searching he asked me last year to go to the doctor wth him to see if I was right about him being ADHD. Since then, we have worked together through the roller coaster this disorder brings - with love and mutual respect. We are in councelling to help build some skills to work through it.
Sex remains the only stumbling block. We communicate well most of the time, and we (despite the adhd) balance the household fairly well. He treats me lovingly, but has no concept of how to "make love" to me, and the whole idea just frightens the crap out of him. I do enjoy being dominated by him, but would like to be able to touch him and to be the one to get him off.
The main issue is porn. Since posting my last entry, I showed him what Annonymus wrote, and it was like a light went off inside of him. We talked about it the next day after he had some time to digest it, and he said he didn't realize just how much he was retreating into pornography and how neglected I was feeling. He talked about giving it up completely, but I told him that was a bad idea... that he needs to have that stimulus and if he gave it up he would go back to it quickly anyway, so he decided that he should cut back on it. He set his alarm for an hour later in the mornings so he can sleep (much needed) rather than getting up early every morning just to watch porn. We talked about some ways we can try to use fantasy in our own sex life... he also found that frightening. He has a very hard time bringing sex into the real world... his concept of sex is so much fantasy and in his own head that he isn't sure how to share that with me... so when we do get intimate we usually end up as described were he masturbates over me while vocalizing his fantasies in order to get off...
So, what I am asking Annonymus, or anyone else out there who has been there on one side of this situation or another, is how do I connect the dots sexually with him? How do I become the object of sexual desire to his ADHD mind? How do we incorporate fantasy and reality?
I agree-labeling ADD as a "gift" is MISLEADING!
I am glad to see it is someone who suffers from ADD who is willing to admit this: "ADD does NOT bring with it special gifts" (see post above)
Even when treated, ADD adults have severe limitations on how well they function and cope in nearly every realm of the adult world...and the ones I know (my husband and approx. half of his family) do not bring with that major handicap any or the reported "special" gifts like creativity, joy, zest for life, or enjoyable spontenaity to make up for the bad stuff. They are mostly depressed, unsuccessful, unproductive, and sucking the life out of their non-ADD spouses. In fact, my ADD spouse (who is not medicated) is so emotionally flat and lifeless, people sometimes ask if he's a former drug addict.
ADD and "gifts"
I don't think *anybody* was trying to suggest that ADD is a gift, outright -- I think the point was that there are *often* compensating abilities, which could be seen as gifts. And while this may not be true in *your* experience, it certainly is in mine. (I do not have ADD -- my husband and son do.)
For some years in high school and college, my son was a competitive athlete, and there is no question that he was more joyful and innovative in his sport when he was NOT on medication for his ADD than when he was. Unfortunately, at the same time, not being on ADD medication made it a terrible struggle for him with his academics, which was depressing and frustrating for him. It became obvious to me that in the context of my son's sport, his ADD actually was helpful to him, but in the context of his academic pursuits it was a problem. It was clear these were two conflicting pursuits, so he took time off from college to pursue his sport, off meds, which worked very well. When he had to give up his sport for physical health reasons and returned to college, he went back on the meds and that worked fine too.
My husband's ADD makes him better able to "think out of the box" at work, an ability which is very much prized, even depended upon, to help find innovative solutions to problems. He was not diagnosed until his early 40's, so he had learned throughout most of his life how to use this ability. Now that he is on meds, he is a little less innovative, but because of the experience of a lifetime, he can still bring this ability to bear on a problem when needed. This ability has helped him keep his job at a time when his company has been laying people off left and right.
The thing that's hard to see or understand in this debate is that it's a question of context, or culture. The world we live in today is in general less friendly to the particular idiosyncracies of ADD than the world 100 years ago, and as a result the ADDer is more of a misfit in general. This can seriously inhibit any zest for life, or creativity. But if the ADDer can find a context in which his or her peculiar characteristics are actually helpful, and the problems are minimized, it can be viewed as bringing some gifts along with the problems. I'm not saying that this can happen for everybody with ADD, or that every person's particular manifestation of ADD brings along gifts. But just because *you* haven't experienced them, doesn't mean they don't exist for others!!!
"The world we live in today
"The world we live in today is in general less friendly to the particular idiosyncracies of ADD than the world 100 years ago, and as a result the ADDer is more of a misfit in general. This can seriously inhibit any zest for life, or creativity. But if the ADDer can find a context in which his or her peculiar characteristics are actually helpful, and the problems are minimized, it can be viewed as bringing some gifts along with the problems."
Arwen,
I've thought about this a lot. Some people with ADD do find their niche in the 21st century but more often they do not. i think many times they develop low self esteem and it sequelches their creativity. They seem to assume failure so why try.
I am dating an ADD man who has a great deal of understanding about his strengths and weaknesses but has not been diagnosed. He has developed many coping stragies on his own. he has many very good qualities, but his biggest downfall is consistent work. My decision whether to marry him or not will hinge on helping him find his niche in the work world. I am not out to "fix" him but to help him if he wants it. He made a lot of money in the 70s and 80s when he had a wife and children--they seemed to have been his motivation to provide. But now he barely survives financially.
Like you I don't need a man to manage my life or to provide for me, but I would love to have a best friend to share my life. I am a grandma now so I am not wanting children. I am not certain at this point if I am mature enough to live with a man who hasn't developed a good work ethic regardless of why. I think it would be a huge struggle for me to come home from work everyday to a house disaster and a husband who has been internet surfing or on the phone all day. I personally could not do that. So I need to know that he will develop and use new strategies to become a partner in the daily financial obligations we will have.
Having said that I have been reading books on executive functioning. For nonADD people executive functioning is the efficient use of the left side of the brain to plan, prioritize and accomplish goals. ADD people do not have or have not developed this side of their brain. Perhaps nonADD have a natural ability the ADD do not have. Having said this though, the ADD person must develop some of these skills to have a life that works for them. one author said that routines and ingrained habits are an answer to bypassing the need for executive functioning.
I thought this was a profound way to think about it. So if my boyfriend can set up a work routine that he follows automatically like I do when I go to my job everyday, he will just have to develop these automatic habits and not have to struggle to use his ineffective executive functioning. He is very right brained.
If my left brain was weak in executive functioning, it would be awful to get up every morning to get to work. Without a routine established I would have to get up every morning, make out a priortized list, and follow it precisely. That would be incredibly frustrating especially if I was a lousy prioritizer. I imagine I would soon develop a poor sense of my ability to accomplish the simplest things. I also believe that might lead me to just give up--I am a failure, stupid and probably lazy compared to others who seem to do these things so easily. I am very interested now in the concept of routine being one of the answers to give the ADD person more control over their own life.
I am also reading books on empathy-to try to get inside this ADD man and to see life through his eyes. He senses I am doing this and he loves me for it. He knows I am truly trying to understand even though we are agreeing to disagree. Empathy is very powerful as long as it is used for positive loving reasons. There aren't too many things that are more powerful than knowing a person is truly humbling themselves to understand your perspective. It also requires strong boundaries and a sure sense of who I am so that I don't enable.
Well, my latest thoughts have encouraged me and I appreciate your posts Arwen. They are so balanced.
Brenda
you are wise
Brenda, you have "got" it -- you understand quite clearly the nature of what you are dealing with. I'm very impressed by the fact that you have come to understand your situation so well in a relatively short time. Good for you!!!
Thank you for your kind words about my posts. I also enjoy reading yours, for the same reasons. My husband and I haven't solved *all* our problems that related to his ADD and SAD dysfunctions, although we have come a long way, so I still need the insights of others like you. But I am very happy if my experience can be of any benefit to others. Living with ADD can be hard for everyone involved!
Some years ago, I had a medical problem that required me to take medications that as a side effect caused me to experience significant memory difficulties and loss of executive function for several weeks. You are right, it was awful. I couldn't do my job effectively any more. I felt like a failure. It was very discouraging. Fortunately, I knew my situation was temporary, but it gave me a very personal understanding of what my spouse may be dealing with at times. I had had an inkling before, but the experience really raised my awareness in a very short time.
I'm not sure I agree, though, that a person with ADD must develop some of the left brain skills in order to have a life that works for them. I've seen some cases where the person with ADD finds a partner who is capable of doing that for them, and *perfectly happy* to do so. It isn't what *I* would choose in a relationship, but the co-dependency works for them, and the ADDer never needs to develop these skills.
I agree with you that it's tougher to "find your niche" in the 21st century than in the past -- especially if you do not have any degree of financial security when you are growing up and you are forced to take whatever kind of work will pay the bills. My husband and son were lucky, they had opportunities that were not available to everybody, and I recognize that others may have a much tougher row to hoe as a result. Ironically, I've actually had a harder problem finding my niche than my husband has -- I'm a generalist, not a specialist, and pretty much no matter what work I've done, I've found myself a square peg in a round hole! Again, in our 21st century, work is becoming more and more specialized -- there used to be many good-paying jobs I had the capabilities for and could do reasonably well, but now lacking specialized capabilities, or a super-degree of an ability, my options are far more limited and I find it much more difficult to be effective at these jobs -- so I'm keenly aware of this aspect of the ADDer's situation.
Fortunately for my spouse, his "niche" was in the computer software arena, which enabled him to easily develop or use many automated tools to help with his lack of executive function. This has minimized the amount of routine and habit that he has had to work to establish. Obviously this approach would not work for someone who was uncomfortable with computers and similar electronic devices, and other means or different approaches would have to be found, but it was a real help to us.
Writing this has made me realize that I probably should post about these automated tools in the forum, maybe in the section about organization -- thanks for helping bring my attention to this!
Pheh!
Must husband's ADD is a complete dibilitating nightmare and threatens to ruin his life and take me and the rest of the family down with him.
Sexless
This is in response to ninir's original post. Have things changed for you and your hubby after 6 months on meds? Did the meds change, did he quit them? Let me know (give to me the hope you were seeking before!)
Hi. I'm in your boat.
My partner doesn't look at porn obsessively, as far as I know. When he did used to look it wasn't much, or really hardcore at all, and he never tried to hide it from me since he knows I'm pretty ok with it. So, ok, I'm not in that boat.
The boat I'm in is the "where the hell is my sex life?" boat. That's what it was christened (the boat.) Even when we first met, after a long online/onphone courtship, there was little sex. I took it really really hard and cried a whole lot and felt really terrible about myself. I thought there was something wrong with me. I mean come on! First days of a new relationship! I expected to be sore and limping, right? He made me feel oversexed and like I was trying to rape him for wanting to kiss and cuddle with him.
He told me it was his problem and he'd deal with it. He needed to sort out his head. And I guess he has been doing that (for 3 years) because this is where it's lead me with his latest revelation of having caught the A.D.D.
I guess I gave up. I've left the ball, slowly deflating, in his court. It never used to be so hard to initiate sex. All I ever had to do was look at a guy the right way and he was on top of me. But this one, he takes some work. I tried the whole "making time for it" thing, as Mellissa said, but that increased his anxiety. He doesn't like to look forward to it, or I guess as he sees it, have it looming dreadfully infront of him for days. I got this sex book and all the ideas in it were about building the anticipation, which I loved. I loved getting little notes and texts and flirts - it did a lot for me. It just made his blood run cold.
The thing is he tells me that he thinks about sex all the time - he just never acts on the thoughts. He's constantly surprised when I get my period (oddly enough we usually have our monthly sex just before I start) like he can't believe it's been another 28-32 days or whatever. I just use it as my sex marker. And lately it's been once a cycle. When we first started talking about how the lack of sex was an issue for me, and we were having sex once a week, I said I wanted to aim for 4 times a week. What a joke! That seems so impossible now. I know sex drops off in a relationship but this is ridiculous. At this rate we'll be completely sexless next year.
Unless he gets help and figures it out.
Something that I wouldn't have predicted is that my self-confidence, after being completely shattered, has been rebuilt stronger than it ever was before... without him demonstrating to me physically how attractive he finds me. I know he loves me, I'm in no doubt of that, and it has nothing to do with my looks, because I've always been hot but I've recently lost 20lbs and he still won't have sex with me! I've contemplated leaving, because it may be easier to find someone else as I'm still youngish, and as I mentioned, hot, but I honestly don't fancy anyone else and we get along so well... it's just this whole little dissatisfying lack of engaging intimacy "thing."
I'm really ready to have a baby and I know if I just put one in front of him he'd love it to death (he says he can't think about the future) but I can't see how I can possibly fall pregnant [with his child] without his help. And I have a terrible fear that we'd become even more sexless yet after children.
I'm really against medication generally, but I'm not sure what the options are. I just read something about a guy taking Zoloft and Ritalin whose sex life with his wife improved because he was able to focus. I know it's selfish but if I can have more (and quality) sex with a more interactive partner then I encourage him to take any amount of pills neccessary for that!
Oh yeah and he has struggled with other addictive behaviours. He smokes, drinks more than I think is good, eats a ton of chocoate and candy, and gambles a fair bit. Nothing life ruining yet but I can see how he could let it go too far if he let go of the self-control/rules/limits he created for himself.
Sexless
Hi CheeseyPetal,
Been there, done that. My husband has had a sex addiction for most of his life. We actually separated because of how bad things had gotten between us. I was exactly where you are (kind of back there again). Look into the Fred Stoeker website. You may not think that he has an addiction, but it certainly sounds like it to me. He is probably not interested because he is relieving himself, if you know what I mean. It is easier and takes less time and concentration for a person with ADD. My husband hasn't been formally diagnosed with ADD - but it is very obvious. I thought the sex addiction was the problem, but it truly was only a symptom.. Good luck!
Yeah I know he prefers
Yeah I know he prefers masturbation and that's usually how intercourse ends-up anyway, but I think you've misread my post or something. I know my partner and he even goes full weeks without wanking because he wants to be ready to have sex (short though it may be) and not fear losing his erection (due to distraction or whatever.) Anyway I'll have a look at that site but I don't think sex addiction it the case with my Mr. ADD.