I am beginning to wonder if my husbands incessant threats and reminders that he's leaving as soon as our bankruptcy is over aren't more manipulation. It is very sad to say but I really do think everything he does and says is an attempt to manipulate me. To make himself feel better.
He still says he's leaving..said it very convincingly this past weekend. I basically threw in the towel, took off my rings, and shut down. He acted as if nothing were wrong but I couldn't. I called him out on some deal breaking behaviors and put a boundary and that's when he said he was leaving.
I am speaking in terms of finality with him. It's over. Let's be proactive and figure everything out before he goes. He's acting as if nothing is wrong. He's actually currently snuggled up next to me asleep. We haven't cuddled since he told me he was leaving.
To my point...I have begun to feel that he's in such a hurry to leave because he's cheated again and knows it is only a matter of time before I find out. I think he'd rather leave and bare the agony of divorce than to admit he did that again. I'm additionally puzzled by his acting as if nothing is wrong. I am wondering if he isn't wanting me to beg him not to go so he can justify staying by saying I wouldn't let him leave. I've stopped saying anything about my plans to make it on my own because he blames me of trying to make him feel guilty. Deep down I truly don't think he wants to leave but he is very obviously battling a very serious demon. I fear I recognize this demon. If he stays and I find out he cheated then he knows we are done. I think he's trying f to avoid that.
Yes, sounds familiar
Submitted by Standing on
My husband uses this sort of continuous repetition method both in the positive and toward the negative. This seems to be his technique for getting himself revved up for action. Often, the actual action never occurs.
It's so easy to get stuck up one tree in these situations, and miss the entire forest. Viewing it from outside, your husband has already cheated by carrying on (at the very least) an emotional affair via text. Since May?
I also know for myself how easy it is to wake up one day and discover that my own standards for acceptable behavior have dropped into the basement.
Maybe it's time to stop wondering how bad it might be and say - hey, it's already bad enough!
Sorry, Sherri.
It's ok. I get what you're
Submitted by SherriW13 on
It's ok. I get what you're saying. Reading back over my post I can see where there is potential for lowered standards. I've lived the last five or more years of my life below standards that I know I shouldn't. It is very hard to be honest about that. I KNOW I deserve better, far better, than how I have allowed him to treat me and behave. I KNOW he is fully aware of his inappropriate relationships and says he's selfish and doesn't think of anyone but himself. The reason he got mad and said he was leaving again is because I told him that I was becoming more aware of my needs and my value and that I wasn't willing to accept always looking over his shoulder and wondering who he was getting his 1000ft deep black hole of emotional needs met. Truth is, he isn't willing or interested in me filling his emotional needs...for whatever reason. He didn't used to be this way. Maybe the drinking...maybe he feels shame and feels judged by me so he doesn't want to feel vulnerable to me, but superior, so he rationalizes it and seeks attention from others...it really doesn't have to be women..just anyone who allows him to be something that he isn't...a victim. It usually is women though.
I won't pretend it won't be hard and scary or that it won't hurt if he leaves but make no mistake, I won't make any effort to stop him. I have told him MANY times, since the truth will never come from him, that IF he has cheated then he needs to do what is right and go. Even if he never admits it, he should go. The truth will come out eventually and I don't want to find out five years down the road when I think we've worked through it. I've told him all of this. I've insisted. Since finding out that he was texting with this woman for a few months I have felt just like you, he may as well have slept with her because he, once again, chose to seek attention from someone else while leaving me sitting here feeling alone, lonely, unloved, ugly, and like a burden to him. I had a friendship that was inappropriate (on my part ONLY because I had a crush on him...marriage was in the toilet, etc ) and I know that these things can never cross inappropriate lines and still be an affair that destroys trust. I never physically touched the man, never told him of my feelings, but I chatted with him on FB and at work. There was very little, if any, flirting. But it was wrong. I will NEVER allow it to happen again because it IS a choice. When I asked my husband point blank if he knew that he had a serious issue that needed to be addressed by professionals and he held himself accountable but refuses to get help. It would be different if it were the first time...but it isn't.
First and foremost right now I need to find my strength, regain some footing, and get control of my life back. Each passing day shows me just how sick I am and how deeply I have been pulled into this AGAIN with him. My boundaries are clear. He knows this. I believe that's why he's leaving...rather than admit to an affair but knowing the truth will come out in the end. He's mistaken if he feels I will ask him not to go or stand in his way. As of now, I believe he's not being honest about their relationship, but he's leaving in a couple of months and we won't be living as husband and wife in the meantime so I don't guess I can ask for more. I won't lie though, I do want to know the truth about this situation with this woman...and I won't fault myself for it.
Sherri, i just want to say that i did not mean
Submitted by Standing on
th It doesn't matter to me, I
Submitted by SherriW13 on
th It doesn't matter to me, I try to take all advice and make something useful of it. It wasn't harsh, it was just the truth. You've been very helpful to me with your honesty, don't stop now.
We had a terrible night. He drank liquor again and basically hit me with everything in his arsenal. He also pretty much admitted to sleeping with the coworker. It is pretty much all over but the crying. I told him I knew he'd been treating me like shit over his own guilty conscience and I was sick and tired of it. And I am.
I would like to say that I
Submitted by SherriW13 on
I would like to say that I didn't engage with him and I was very proud of myself for it.
Not engaging
Submitted by crossingfingers... on
Sherri, that's great that you didn't engage in that. I think engaging provides a justification for them--they throw out a hypothetical justification for themselves for their own behavior (sometimes I'm not even sure they believe it). And they see if it sticks through whether we will respond and take the blame. If we engage with it, it gives it some weird validity to them. Sometimes I think not engaging is the only thing we can control, especially in situations where they are trying to hold us accountable for their poor actions. I'm sorry to hear about the pain you are going through.
I've known that pain
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Sherri, I'm so sorry you're going through this much pain. I KNOW what that feels like because I've been there. My husband left too and was having an affair for 3 years. He would NEVER admit to the affair, but he had EVERY symptom right down to "different new kinds of underwear". I went on websites on what to look for when your husband is having an affair, and he did EVERY single thing on the list. It was astounding. But he would NEVER, EVER ADMIT to it. I confronted him many times about it, and told him if the other woman was what he WANTED....then.... to divorce me and stay with her, because I would NOT stand for him having a "mistress". He kept saying he didn't want a divorce. But, I eventually DID find out, definetely about the affair, from a letter she had written him and it spelled out in pretty graphic detail, everything that was going on. He couldn't deny it any more. But, he would not say the words himself. I was SO ANGRY at him for not just getting it over with and TELLING ME. He wasn't the "type" of guy I ever thought would have an affair, and we never screamed and fought or had a horrible marriage. It was hard for me to understand it.
He was seeing a psychiatrist at the time, and had been diagnosed with ADHD, (had the gall to call me and ask me not to feel sorry for him for having a "condition") I told him I didn't feel sorry for him. He told me the psychiatrist told him not to tell me if I didn't know "for sure", and "don't tell her details". I didn't buy that. . He was treating me so terribly at the time, and HE was the one cheating. But, it was his own GUILT that made him act so ugly towards me. He had just finished his PhD, and had taken a new job in a different state..........TOTALLY AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGEMENT.....He wouldn't talk about it, wouldn't discuss it....end of story...over with. Come to find out later, it was the other woman who told him about this job, and it just "happened" to be in the same state SHE went to college in and lived only an hour or so away.
He took the job, we had to sell the house, and he moved there without me. I was left back in the emptied out house, with an old couch, a television, and trash all over the floor. I felt like the discarded trash on the floor. And, I had to clean up the house and get it ready to sell. I wasn't in ANY state of mind to do that, but I did it. My heart was broken in a thousand pieces, I cried day and night, and didn't think I would EVER stop crying. I couldn't listen to music (I'm a musician) every song made me cry. I cried driving and could hardly see the road. People would stare at me on the road, in stores, at church. And I even had to quit my job as a church organist/pianist because the atmosphere (which was probably good for me) made me cry so much I couldn't see the music to be able to play my instrument. (but also in that particular denomination, they didn't really "allow" for crying during the service) A terrible thing. Of ALL PLACES, shouldn't you be ABLE to cry in a CHURCH? Anyway...
I didn't deserve being thrown away like that, but I STILL questioned that. I kept asking....WHY.....JUST....WHY???WHY...WHY...WHY? What did I do?....What did I say?.....Why won't you treat ME like you are treating HER?.....I have treated you SO GOOD for so many years, and you LEAVE ME THIS WAY?....I hurt so bad I thought my heart would fall out of my chest. The best way to describe it, was that it was like my SOUL CRYING. After a month of just agony and crying, I became so angry I thought I would BUST from anger. In fact, the anger began to scare me. I wanted them to hurt AS MUCH AS I WAS HURTING. I thought of some of the most horrible things you could imagine. I never would have ACTED on them, but boy I sure did want to YELL AND SCREAM AT THE TWO OF THEM. The other woman was an atheist, which was something that shocked me even more. We were both Christians, and for him to do this, AND pick an atheist on top of it was beyond anything I could fathom.
I lived with my sister for a year, and then with my daughter for 2 years and then my husband and I got back together. It wasn't easy at all when we got back together. Even though my husband was seeing a psychiatrist and we were going through marriage counseling, our relationship really didn't improve. It's only been time, getting older and me pulling away from my husband (for emotional survival) that helped me get through this. Oh, and I can't forget God. I know he helped the most. I wish I could say my husband truly regretted what he had done, and lavished me with "I'm sorry" and "please forgive me" and such, but it never happened. He was the type of person (ADHD or not) that just wanted it to just "all go away", and "not talk about it". There are still so many things left unresolved and unsettled, but since he still, to this day will NOT talk about it or deal with it, that I don't think our relationship will EVER be what it could have been.
I know the ADHD, in part, makes him AVOID any and ALL conflict when it comes to our relationship. (when it comes to talking in depth about US) He won't talk about us....either in a good way OR difficult way. It's like "emotional and relationship" stuff is the worst thing he can think of to talk about, but yet it would be the BEST thing for us. I've been left with so many unanswered questions, and unresolved hurt, and never knowing any of the WHY's. And it's HIM that continues to wonder why things can't go back to the way they were.
The past few months he's been much nicer and kinder to me and is trying harder at our relationship than he has ever done,.....ever. I am grateful and happy he's doing this, and I appreciate it, but I can't be as happy as he "wants" me to be. (I just can't) I'm not ugly, or unkind. I treat him well, we have a good relationship and are good to each other, but we live as a couple that shares the same house. We haven't had sex in over 5-6 years, and intimacy is not there. So, we are cordial roomates. It's not what I would call a marriage, but I'm tired of being the only one that's wanted to WORK on us, so I stopped trying, and since I stopped trying, he's actually been nicer to me. I know he's noticed my "pulling away", and maybe that has something to do with it.
I don't know where things go from here. I've thought many times about leaving, and kicked myself a thousand times already for NOT going, but now I'm in a situation where I physically CAN'T. I'm now physically disabled from (car accidents) that have left me with severe spinal issues and on disability. I was rear ended TWICE when stopped in traffic. (what are the odds?) Anyway. I don't have a lot of options anymore. Wish I had done things differently when I had the chance. But maybe this will turn out good yet. :)
I pray for the VERY BEST for you. I know you can make it, but just wanted you to know someone else feels what you're going through. It can make you feel crazy at times, can't it? Hugs to you.
Sherri, Dedelight,
Submitted by Standing on
Our stories share so many
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Our stories share so many common threads.
I finally got proof. He did cheat. I found cell phone records showing times of incessant calling. This was after he got fired from his job (9/2). I asked why the incessant phone calls...she wasn't answering. He said "because I love her". My heart sank. Nothing will ever be the same again he loves her and he was planning all along to leave me for her.
I, too, have cried. Cried some more. Thrown up. Been in denial. Cried and cried. I've never felt so bad about myself in my entire life. She looks classy, travels,is a French professor at the university he worked at. He said she was "such an improvement" over me and "beautiful". I'm a chunky 46 year old mom of two who has a college degree but works as a tech at a mental hospital because I have a severely autistic 22 year old son.
We will be divorcing once the bankruptcy is paid. Hopefully in the next 2-3 months. He says he loves me but doesn't say either way how he feels about the divorce. I assume he will be ok with it since he was leaving me for her and that's all I heard for MONTHS. This is his second affair in 5 years. I will never be enough to fill the void in his life and I'm tired of killing myself trying to. I can't do this anymore. I give up. ADHD 1, Sherri 0.
Sherri, I'm so sorry. How
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Sherri, I'm so sorry. How heartbreaking.
I'm sorry, too, Sherri
Submitted by Standing on
his "chooser" is broken.
And "classy" is not about someone's job or location or body shape.
You, Sherri, are true Class!
I noticed that you said
Submitted by crossingfingers... on
I noticed that you said you have a severely autistic son who is 22, and I wanted to share that my brother is 23 and severely autistic. I know how incredibly challenging and all-consuming it is to be the caretaker of someone with autism. You are especially beautiful for being a great mom to your children. Your husband's comments to you are disgusting and childish, and it sounds like he is in severe denial about his enormous flaws.
Today I saw a quote from Oprah that said "No experience is ever wasted. Every experience has meaning." I hope at some point the meaning of all this will reveal itself to you and that there will be some kind of understanding for its place in your life journey.
So very sorry
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Sherri, I am so very sorry to hear what you're going through. I KNOW the heartbreak, and it is horrible. You cry until you think you don't have any tears left, and then you cry some more. I was even angry at myself FOR crying. like......why are you crying about HIM? why DO this to yourself? Why didn't you see this coming? Why didn't you DO something about it? I really beat myself up BUT GOOD. and it WASN'T MY FAULT.
It's NOT YOUR FAULT, that your husband decided to have this affair, and one or more previously. It IS their fault. But, the husband's/ wives who choose to do this, will BLAME it on their spouses. Even, tell them.. "You MADE me do this"...."I wouldn't have done this if you hadn't have..............................." (fill in the blank) ANY excuse to justify this horrible decision of theirs to NOT have to feel guilty. For me, it would have been so much easier if my husband would have just said, "I don't love you any more and I"m leaving". then get a divorce and move on. I could have handled that SO MUCH BETTER than the betrayal and LIES and blame. The thing is, that even if our husbands were to GET a new person, it wouldn't be long before the "new" person sees their ADHD behavior, and their "unusual ways", and will start to question things too....and will probably leave because the hyper-focus has worn off, and now the ADHD behavior is showing its self. They will get blamed also. But, it doesn't make you feel any better, even knowing this.
I do wish you the very best. And I pray you don't beat yourself up like I did. Be kind to yourself, like others have written here. I'm praying for you and your son and family. Hugs to you.
OMG Sherri - I'm so sorry and angry for you :(
Submitted by JewelD on
I hate it when some dude just "trades up" to suit himself, ruthlessly throwing away the person who trusted him with her (and her childrens' ) lives.
I'm just so sorry that happened to you. ((hugs))
You know what? Eff him. Get yourself in shape for YOU, take your vitamins, get your hair done, pick up your hobbies, pick up a new SOCIAL hobby, meet new people, and bury him in the past.
When you feel better about yourself, get out there and meet someone new. There are good techniques these days to do that - look up those Rules books for women dating online, and put up some profiles for yourself.
That's what I'm doing. And I'm 55 ;)
More hugs to you!!! (( <3 ))
Reading this is so nauseating
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Reading this is so nauseating. This was over a year ago...we are still married and together and he's had TWO more affairs..second is currently going on. We finally got out of the bankruptcy and I tried to hang in there long enough to get our daughter through high school. We haven't spoken in days and since I finally refused to believe his denials and shut him out of my life(as much as I can while sharing a home) he's amped up the game and this affair that he swore wasn't happening three days ago is now basically being thrown in my face. But not in any way that couldn't be denied later. But I know. And he knows I know. He wants his cake and eat it too...He won't make this easy...I pray God helps make a way because he's getting out of here very soon. Money is all that stands in the way.
A big wrap around hug
Submitted by Tired-to-my-bones on
Sherri, I am sending you a big wrap around hug. There are no words that can take the pain of what you are going through away. But know that you are being thought of. The basement world of betrayal and the accompanying gut wrenching range of emotions is just so so bad. I do hope that you have someone to support you. We are here and we are listening.