Being the ADD spouse, My response to your problem is that I think you should educate yourself further on this subject. Not only on facts and behaviors but read the posts here and on other websites where you get the real deal on what people are really living with. I think that your very luck to have so much happiness in your family. Small thing are just that small things. You think they are easy to fix but there is exactly where the difference lies between people with ADD and those who don't have it. There are techniques to work on these things but "just do it" is not the mantra of the ADD person. This doctor's books are wonderful DTD and DFD. I,too, have a very similar family situation and I really do understand. Working together without anger or resentment is the key.

As the ADD wife of a slightly OCD husband, we struggle with many of the same arguments. My husband gets very upset about, the afgan not being folded on the couch properly, or the dishes not being put away, or my clothes being strewn wherever I last had them (then got distracted by some other chore) so much that it makes him turn red and sweat. I actually do not even notice these things being out of order (even thought I try, *sigh* so hard) until he comes throught an notices and must put each thing back in it's place. As part of MY ADD I simply do not see the "little things", I only see the "big things", (or, the things that are interesting) **NOTE** Each time my husband fusses at me about something he thinks I should have done better, it "shuts down" my brain. For some reason I cannot function. I get entirely overwhelmed with the whole housework scene and think "screw this!" (I also work full time with a one hour commute each way and am going to grad school full time, so it's not like all have to do is lay around the house) BUT, with a simple kind word, or when he notices the things I have done RIGHT, he really helps me improve. We've also had the conversation that if the house being perfect is so important to him, perhaps he should clean it. I can CLEAN, I just can't be NEAT.

Your post elicited so many emotions in me. I laughed when I read the title because it reminded me of a phrase I used to say. I felt compassion, sadness and hope throughout the rest because again, I can remember a time (not so long ago) that I felt the feelings you describe. A bit of background- I've been married almost 14 years. Our family's ADD journey began when our second son was diagnosed with language delays at 14 mo., ADD at age 5 and other learning differences at age 6-7. He was struggling in the school system were I also worked and held an administrative position in, of all places, the Special Education Department . Our home life was also falling apart in disorganization, constant bickering over who was right and putting others first instead of OUR family (although it was camouflaged in the name of family - like little league and PTA). Like you, there was never a question of love or having fun for that matter. We definitely knew how to do that! However, my husband and I were at the point of divorce, literally. After a 6 month separation, all that was left was to sign on the dotted line. My husband had been diagnosed formally a year after our second son but wasn't quite convinced he had it. I had been diagnosed in grade school and again one year after my husband. Finally, after, I thought, "ok- that's it"- my first son's teacher informed me he was day dreaming excessively and had I ever thought about having him tested for ADD? I cried many nights for a range of reasons all related to this thing called ADD and then asked myself as you do in your post...."Now what?" It was during this time that I learned the word "AND"- A VERY Powerful Word. I realized that at the core of our disagreements was invalidation. It was right or wrong, black or white, happy or sad. Through validation we began our reconciliation. The key was that it was TRUE validation and an understanding that it did not mean we agreed or disagreed. You see, I was done. I filed and accepted I was divorcing (something unheard of from both of our Catholic upbringings). I accepted myself for what I was and wasn't. I accepted him for what he was and wasn't All the while I told myself that change takes time and that true change is measured by consistency not perfection. I had no expectations because it was what it was. And it was definitely over. I accepted that he was right AND I was right. He was wrong AND I was wrong. We began to celebrate differences in our family and in the process, saved our son by realizing that public schooling was a great environment for one son with ADD AND it was a horrible environment for our other son with ADD. We didn't rush signing the papers and didn't rush back into the marriage. It was the hardest thing we had both ever gone through AND it was one of the BEST things that has ever happened to us! What I'm saying is that we found the AND in the small things and slowly moved to find the AND in the harder issues. The entire family works on finding the "AND" daily and we will continue to do so if we want to stay married for the rest of our lives. We also practiced admitting our OWN side of where we went wrong- which was very difficult for me as a teacher and as an oldest child! We learned that the apology is important but the most important part is to say how we could have done it differently. We now use the phrase, "I wish I would have done [or said] ......instead". We did this in front of our children and continue to do this because it keeps us real. Hopefully, we are passing these new skills on to them. I think this has been the scariest AND the most rewarding part throughout this process. I used to be so worried about how we were damaging our children before and after our separation. But now, I think they are a couple of the luckiest boys too because yes, we have hurt them and it's awful AND we are teaching them that if something isn't working, admit it, move on AND try something different. I guess you could say we used our ADD (our bullheaded persistence) in a positive way. Anyway.....It sounds like you are right there on your way to the scary and awesome journey of change. My only bit of advice is this.... from reading your post it sounds like you are ready to change AND want to save your marriage. So do it! Change - but remember that marriage isn't a 50/50 thing so don't hold any expectations of you, your spouse or the process. Your speed of change is DIFFERENT than hers, not necessarily faster or slower, just different. Good luck in making change a priority in your life because if that is what you truly want then it will happen.