I stumbled upon this forum last night when I was searching out the terms "leaves garbage on the counter". I hit a new low these past two days because I'm pregnant with my second child and am a stay-at-home parent to a 2 year old and we were down with a horrible stomach virus. My house is in shambles from the past three days of illness. This is a huge road block to me because my brain becomes foggy when my house is a mess and I can't get any administrative work (taxes) done for our business when I can't concentrate. This is a daily struggle for me between living with a 2 year old and my husband, who makes bigger messes than the toddler. It's hard for me to understand how someone can't seem to find the garbage or the laundry hamper. Even when I make things as accessible as possible. It's hurtful because it feels so disrespectful. I have low energy due to pregnancy and I'm having a hard time keeping up. It takes so long to get the house in order and takes time away from constructive things I could be doing with our daughter or work for our business. Not to mention how hard it is to keep track of his keys and wallet because he can't ever put them in any of the designated places I've set up to try and help him.
I love the guy to pieces and we went through a big ugly year-long break up after 7 years when we were dating. So I know he's the one I want to be with after 12 years (this will be our 5th year of marriage). But what can I do to help myself out? I'm exhausted, lonely, and in survival mode. I don't have much to offer him with regard to affection because I feel totally burnt out at the end of the day and also bitter due to the extra work he creates for me. Our "alone" time is not quality time because he spends it watching tv and browsing YouTube and eBay. He explains it as a need for "me time" after working hard all day and he battles with anxiety. But his "me time" doesn't allow for quality time with me or his daughter. This is obviously another source of contention.
Thank goodness that I found this forum so that at least I'm aware of what I'm dealing with... That will help me process it all a little better and search out tools for better communication. But, I still need ideas on how to help myself stay afloat during my pregnancy. My family lives 1 1/2 away and we live in his small hometown, which I've managed to make acquaintances in the past 4 years but no actual "friends".
Please help!
Mode Momma....wow, hands full
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Dear Mode Momma, I just read your post and it made me tear up because you seem to be around the age of my daughters, and I know the struggle you're having. I'm SO sorry you feel alone in this. Many of us with ADHD spouses have felt alone most of our marriages, and it's sad thing. (At least the ones who won't admit they HAVE ADHD, and aren't getting treatment, or don't get enough treatment)
Your hormones are going a mile a minute, you are EXHAUSTED, you have a 2 YEAR OLD....on top of it...........AND an ADHD husband. All I can say is WOW. I want to reach through the computer and give you a HUGE HUG and let you just cry on my shoulder for a while. It's okay.
Yes, the ADHD husband can make even MORE messes than a toddler. I know, cause I've lived it and am still living it after 31 now, almost 32 years. He is getting better about mess making, but due to a physical ailment myself (chronic back pain, 2 ruptured discs) I can't clean like I used to, so my house looks like a BOMB went off.
I get stressed having to live in so much mess all the time, but I do what I can, when I can. He's now helping some, which after all these years is a really big deal. I really don't know HOW I did it when my girls were small. Raising 2 children, working, keeping the house clean, doing all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, yardwork, and picking up after a CONSTANT mess maker of a husband. The years of " The Mad Search For the Keys In The Morning", should be a book all by itself. It took me almost 10 years to get him to put his keys on a key rack right inside the front door. He does it automatically now, which is great. But, the years of having to scramble EVERY SINGLE MORNING for his keys was maddening, because he was usually late WHILE we were searching, with him yelling and angry, and blaming me for "hiding the keys on him on purpose". Crazy.
I don't have much time right now, but I will post later. I just noticed that no one had replied yet to your post, so thought I'd start. Please feel free to use this as a place to say what you need to say, or ask questions, whatever.....this forum has been SO HELPFUL for so many. Plus, the books that Melissa and Dr. Hallowell have written are awesome. I totally recommend Melissa's book on ADHD marriage. My husband just listened to the audio version of it, and I was amazed, but so glad he did.
Anyway, hugs to you today.
Hugs to you mama
Submitted by 05lucy on
I feel the same way that you do. I am not pregnant, but I have a 10 month old. I am so exhausted from taking care of everything and picking up after my husband. Before we had our baby, I hired a house keeper and that helped me so much. My husband knew which day she came so all of our stuff had to be picked up and ready for her to clean. Now the house is a wreck all the time and I spend the first 15 minutes of my day straightening the house and throwing away his garbage from his messes through the night. I feel so sad and mad all the time and I feel like all I do is nag. :( Hugs to you mama. I hope that someone here can offer you some advice. :)