I so agree with your definition of tough love.  My husband and I work in the yard a lot together.  Well...I work and he plays unless I am asking him to do specific things.  The other day I was in the backyard planting some monkey grass in a flower bed.  I was hot and tired and ready to get things done.  My husband decided to turn the water on while I was up to my elbows in dirt.  Now let me explain here that this is nothing new for him to do, but I have explained many, many times that I need for him to wait until I finish planting so that the dirt will not turn into MUD and make my job impossible to finish.  I watched him turn on the water and felt my anger beginning to rise.  I very calmly asked him to turn it off although I wanted to scream DO YOU NOT REMEMBER THE CONVERSATIONS WE HAVE HAD ABOUT THIS???  He acted like this had never been an issue before and that I was being ridiculous, but he turned it off anyway.  OK...so I finish up in the backyard and head out to the front yard to plant a few more things.  Does anyone want to guess what he does???  He walked right to the water hose and turned it on less than a foot from where I was planting.  It had been MAYBE five minutes since we had the conversation in the backyard.  I just stood up and said "Go ahead and get it all wet.  Just wet it all down so I can't do a stinkin' thing."  He looked at me like I was the bitch from hell.  I had to walk off to keep from totally losing it.  I have gotten so incredibly frustrated with him that I honestly could not talk to him for three days, and then only for brief periods at a time.  I finally told him last night that I felt like I was his "guardian" and that he seemed "mildly retarded" to me.  To my surprise he said that he FELT mildly retarded.  I do love my husband, but there are many times when I want to jump on my Harley and ride as far and as fast away from him as I can get.  I emotionally detached long ago because it was just too painful.  I stay because I am 54 and my whole life is tied up in him, BUT I live my own life.  I'm going dancing with a guy friend Friday night.  I went riding with my guy friends a few months ago.  I'm sure there are a lot of people reading this that would say "OH...that is so inappropriate".  I say TOO BAD to them and their attitudes.  I don't and won't cheat on my husband, but I'm not going to let him drag me down into the ADD Abyss either.  And amazingly enough, it doesn't bother him that I do.  It all comes down to self-preservation folks.

LilacRed....your response is truly fantastic. I've been through a very similar situation...there's never any accountability, and then I would feel guilty and accept that he needed someone to simply take care of him and I was that person. I definitely took on the side of the enabler, and when I tried/started to change that up, he became more angry, hostile and downright mean to me. Our relationship is over now, and for some reason I still feel guilty! I REALLY appreciate your saying "It will be very hard, as your conscience will get in the way"....that really hit home with me, as we are STILL in communication and that probably shouldn't be because my conscience is working over time and it can't be healthy for either of us. I thought he was the man I was going to marry. I just really appreciate reading similarities, especially with those who don't bash ADD(HD)'ers, but also "get" that the other side is just as difficult. Thank you for that again LilacRed....

As I understand it, DSM-IV (the diagnostic manual with symptomatic criteria for psychiatrists and other health professionals) has recently started putting both ADHD and ADD under the same umbrella (ADHD).  Both have overlapping symptoms (inattention, carelessness, difficulty following through), but those with ADHD have motor restlessness and those with ADD tend to be restless in their brains but without the need to move.  I myself have the combined sub-type (a hybrid).  I can space out while sitting still but need to move around a lot more than others when I'm not sitting still.  I also talk fast and often, and have only recently been able to improve my tendency to interrupt. 

I heard on "ADD and Loving It" that there are 4 different genes that have been discovered so far that are involved with ADHD, which probably explains some of the similarities as well as differences from person to person.

I have the same question as annab522: where is the line between being a loving supporter and being an enabler?  I certainly don't want to watch the utter demise of my ADDer, but I'm really tired of the double-standards and of being completely drained MOST of the time.  Sure, it's up to me to set my boundaries, but just because I set them today does not mean they will be remembered tomorrow. 

So, it's odd to go back and read my old posts. My husband, who I thought was just dealing with ADHD, was actually a raging alcoholic. He admitted that to me only after he completely flipped out, and I was the courthouse and lawyer to file for divorce and a restraining order. Our marriage counselor told me that he showed signs of anti-social personality disorder and/or even a lingering conduct disorder. Scary stuff! Apparently, about 17% of people with ADHD suffer from those two things. It basically means that they are willing to wipe the floor with people who get in their way, which includes in the path of their anger. My hubby made big promises, seems to be sober, and I gave him another chance, but the old behavior seems to be creeping back in. I have realized how strong I am through all of this but I am beginning to wonder how much is going to be enough.

I am reading these and am annoyed and dumbfounded and supose to be doing some work and yes got side-tracked.  I am adhd and am 53 and have my own business and run the home and so-on and so on besides teaching for a major company. I have had this since I can remember as a child always a nun or teacher or parent telling me, What is your problem, can you not listen? I knew I was hyper and always loved to keep busy and do for others due to the fact that,then they would not get on to me. I  was given valum to calm down did not work, I went into hyper-mode really bad. Mom took me off, my mom in the medical field did not want me to have ridilin for who knows. I then got into people-please to leave me alone. But my mother had strict rules for me because I worked for her and I was her wife so at 12.I kept a family of 7, cleaned, cooked supper and I followed her rules to give me the paycheck to do what I wanted. No blame to her I convinced her to let me do this, it was a challenge, I did it and good at it, but I was truly smart but no one wanted to help a frustrated little one who did not get it right off the bat. ADHD it gets frustrasting not to get it at first, brain hurts, just frustrating. i wanted to be something do I made myself memorize for high school and made b and a's. BETTER ONE ON ONE with school if possible. But college I just never thought and I got so much trouble in school for not keeping my mouth shut, my brain went so fast and what I had already filed they you guys just were processing it, nothing meant just the difference. I went to into Cosmetology school, in the end to  put me thru college, funny my aunt and uncle had 5 salons and doing better than any college student I knew. I continued and long story short, I did so well funny I make money with my mouth and can out do hours of anyone I know.Due to the variation and never boring and working for a great company teaching along w/ my business I am the opposite, unorganized, yes alittle I got diagosed when I was 40 and had my daughter diagnosed so she could handle it if she had it. I got on medicine so I can listen, focus and I love to hyper-focus and just leave me alone cause I think it is rude to try. My daughter is o smart not as creative as I , a my parents did not think I would make it till I was 10. The risks I took as a little child, I am amazed myself, kinda fun. So now I run a successful business, teach and love what I do but I married twice and both had not worked and let me tell you I would rather marry someone like me than a BPD narcisstic and amazing how they can beat the ever living emotional hell out of you. Now he wants to get me for prescription drugs of adderal one a day and he wants to prove I am addicted to prescription drugs. So sad, he never even has read about it. Hello, you guys of no add or adhd the thing is not just medicine to help the key is routine and disipline and consistence along with prescription if they need to. It makes me so angry to hear parents just want meds with nothing else, so ad cause parents have no desire to give what it takes to guide us but we also are accountable until we get it. Complaining does nothing they need help of therapist and they have to continue and keep routine at home, give them specific duties, do not assume oh whatever give them and make them accountable and all needs to be clear. They are creative,smart, reliable loving and caring but do not enable it only hurts all. My sister could and loved to watch bugs, birds for ever dhe iss add and not a great CPA. Do not pay for them to do stuff they need to earn it, but love them and encourage the challenge. if they whine about adhd or whatever, give them the whys, the needs of jut needs to have participation, and be ready for tough stuff. As kids if we screw up hell to pay you learn to think of consequences, the loss is if you  enable, it is just nota good idea, we are smart weirdos oh issues well live on the street......be responsible we are too talented, need not sit at a desk,ugh and no one will ever stand in my way to make whatever I wish. It is up to me.... read more no excuses but love joke I forever laugh at me, but laugh with me,not at me and do not blame me if you assumed you thought I should,would, or if you give me so much space, it might be easy for me to go oh well. So if we can come to some great decisions, make sure they are written down, we read better than listen, cause we can re-read and no mis-assumptions all down in black and white and just cause you have love and hopefully a great future both sign it. No exceptions and creative in how the outcome, don't be controlling ugh and allow them to go and if they fail to complete well love you and you agreed so what and how can we continue. IT IS tough on all but therapy and if needed meds but even well-brutin is great cause this i not easy but it is so over-rated in enabling, I am so amazed at parents with children and if you have children please be patient, but as for discipline with no let down and see and read how they learn best. It takes willingness, love, accountability and takes us doing it in a way that keeps us focused and works for us but it will also work for the best of the family. If I keep failing I will get up but excuses get old, I AM   really smarter than you give me credit for so do not except excuses except the alot form us..............adhd forever,send

SORRY, I FORGOT TO CHECK MY SPELLING, PARDON ME AS I ALWAYS DO BUT ON TO THE WORK I GOT  SIDE-TRACKED FOR, NOW I GET TO STAY UP ALITTLE LATER. FYI- A GREAT WEBSITE, SHARI SCHRIEBER ON ADHD.:)

HE HAD GREAT EXCUSES, YE HE HAD OTHER RELATIONSHIPS BUT ONE OF THE TRAITS OF ADHD, WE GET BORED EASY AND TAKES ALOT OF WORK FOR YOU AND US ,BUT HE IS ALSO A MALE WHO NEVER WAS OR SOMEONE MADE HIM ACCOUNTABLE THROW HIM A ANCHOR AND WISH HIM GOOD WEATHER. WE DO LOVE AND WANT A GOOD MARRIAGE, HE IS BETTER ON THE ROAD.

Hi - thanks for following up with your questions.

In response to 1.)  you misread what I had written.  I was not advising her that she can affect change in her partner.  I was saying that she needed to make it clear that he needs to take treatment seriously enough to change his life for the better if he wishes to stay married (as the current situation is untenable for her).  I'm a strong believer that a non-ADHD spouse cannot affect change in their partner.

2.)  In my interpretation of what she has written in her post she doesn't actually say that she has told him to get on meds, only that she feels that way, hence my comment about standing up for herself (see her last paragraph).

3.)  The "never change" comment was about making a gross generalization, not about shutting someone down.  Plenty of people with ADHD have trouble getting out of their own way - I don't disagree with you.  When you are a spouse in distress, the amount of time it takes can simply be too long.  However, to take that comment and say "they" (all) never change" is to distort the facts to a point at which I am quite uncomfortable and perpetuates a stereotype that isn't true.  For some perspective, here's a quote from Russell Barkley's new book - "Studies show that ADHD medications can:  normalize the behavior of 50-65% of those with ADHD; substantially improve the behavior of another 20-30% of people with the disorder."  In other words, not only is "they never change" incorrect, it's very incorrect.  (So would be the statement "some change" for that matter, as it implies "very few".)

Hope this helps you understand my intent better.

I would have to agree with that statement "here on this forum" - where we can talk to folks in similar situations as a non-ADHD spouse.....but I don't say that to my spouse nor to friends or family.  I am trying to work on myself  but at the end of the day, when it's all said and done......we (non ADHD spouses) have to emotionally separate ourselves for our protection, live w/o receiving emotional intimacy (and sexual fulfillment) from our ADHD spouse, be the one always on point holding things together, trying to hold back the growing anger of resentment and loss and blame, and realize it is hard sometimes just to have a civil, adult, serious conversation in some cases.

I acknowledge positives to my ADHD spouse often .... are we always supposed to take?  Keep taking? And, hold it all in?  Where's the help for us if not here...?

May we all find help.....

I am guessing that I am not alone here, but will just speak for myself... I have had the urge to take my own life on a weekly basis (would not do it because it would be stupid and I have a wonderful son that I don't want to hurt).  I have been driven hopeless, lost my self worth, and am just trying to "keep swimming forward" amidst the unhappiness.  I cannot imagine, however, what a call to an emergency line would do to help me, but give someone ammunition to aim at me at a divorce, etc.  If I admitted to wanting to die sometimes, then I would be the one with the problem and it would switch from my husband's lack of help for his ADHD and corresponding abuse to my mental health problem (which is a direct result of riding the ADHD rollercoaster).  You are 100% correct with what you stated in your response to the other person in encouraging that they nurture themselves. I get what you were saying, but I imagine a lot of people have felt something that resembles taking their own lives amidst the craziness.  Hopefully they realize that, like you said, it is not worth it.

Maybe you can give me some insight: how do I start taking care of myself when I am still in the ADHD relationship (eventually I plan to get out, but cannot just pick up and go when I have my wonderful son to consider).  I feel like in a fog and can't find my way out. 

I am beginning to think this is the only thing that will work for my marriage too, a counselor who bases everything on The Bible. I know that when I act in accordance to God's will, I am much happier in my marriage and my life in general. We aren't going to counseling together right now because he is back to square one with not accepting any of the ADHD effects on our marriage and saying I am the one that is crazy. I refuse to pay good money to go sit and listen to him try to convince a professional of this. I want a real, hardcore faith based counselor...my small group (Bible study) has been more helpful to me in the past month than any counselor ever has. Ever. I know it won't work for everyone, but I am finding strength in God that I have never managed to have on my own and in the end, whether my marriage survives or not, I need that strength. I need the self-esteem I get from knowing that God loves me. I need the peace knowing that He is in charge. I can't do this any other way.

I was the one who insisted on counseling, but now I won't go as couple because one session of "it's all her fault...she doens't accept me for who I am" would be about all it would take to cut the thread my marriage is already hanging by. His saving Grace was, for so many months, his willingness to accept his part of the responsibility for the problems in our marriage...without it, we're screwed.

I have just started seeing my husband's ADHD counselor, but am also doubting whether or not they know enough about ADHD in adults.  The counselor has spoken to me in private that, although he thinks ADHD is part of the problem, it doesn't explain a lot of my husband's actions.  He thinks his issues are also a lot from how he was raised.  I can see that, just when I read about ADHD through this forum and my own books I clearly see that 90% of my husband's struggles are due to his ADHD.  The psychologist just seems to think that it is a small part.  My  husband's psychiatrist also does not seem to be monitoring his meds very well or at least gauging his progress well because my husband's meds are not right for him at all.  His doctor has not asked to see me to get a real opinion on his behavior and seems to think everything is going along fine (of course I could be way off since that is what my husband has told me). 

How did you finally make the decision to separate from your husband?  I think I am ready for that step but there is all this guilt surrounding it (we have one son).  I am very unhappy, have tried to make things work for 8 years, and am totally spent of all energy with this.  I do know this though: if and when my son starts to show signs of ADHD, I will get him the help that my husband's parents did not get him. 

I think your "it's amazing what my husband can do when he doesn't have anyone else there to do it" has two parts - first, he's required to be responsible.  But why not be required to be responsible within a relationship, rather than when you are on your own?  Second, he gets to do it his own way (which means you see the results, but are less aware of how long it takes, how he's doing it, etc.)  In that regard, it's actually helpful for him to not have you around...

Anyway, you don't mention whether your intention is to get back together again if he gets his act together, but if it is, then pay attention to the benefits he's gained by having both the need and the independence to do things his way.

Setting your boundaries is a really important part of this discussion.  (Read the chapter on it in my book if you need help with this.)  Also, some therapists can be helpful...for a list of some who are familiar with ADHD and likely, therefore, to be more even-handed, see the professionals list in the resources section.

Hearing your comments gives me some hope that there is some capability for change.  I'm sorry, though, I just don't see it with my husband.  I honestly think he is too far gone.  You sound like the kind of husband and father who is very tuned in to their family, as opposed to my husband who is very detached.  Just a quick example.  He came over for a visit the other night, and when I was outside in the yard I could see him through the basement window  sitting at the computer desk looking at porn.  It was dark outside, so he didn't even realize I was there.  All I thought to myself was, "How selfish can this guy be, that instead of spending his visitation time with his kids, he is spending it looking at porn?!  Or maybe it isn't selfishness, it is some kind of addiction or something.,  The steam was coming out of my ears as I was watching him.!!  All I thought was, "What the hell am I doing with this guy?!  Me and my kids deserve so much better than this guy!  And imagine what I looked like spying on him doing this!  My kids could have been inside burning the house down!  This is what I have reduced myself to!

Anyway, I wish you and your family all the best of luck.  I just don't have much hope for change with my husband.  The saddest thing is, which I am starting to admit to myself, is that maybe he just is not too much in love with me anymore and has no desire to put the effort into changing anything.  And that's fine too.  But, I wish he would at least be a man and bow out gracefully instead of tormenting me.

Regards,

Shunyo

I am so grateful to you that you have accepted this process of looking at yourself, and accepting this diagnosis of ADD.

I am so grateful to you that you so whole heartedly want to make these positive changes so that we can stay married.

I am sorry for all the times I have focused on the negative and not the positive.

I am sorry for not being able to truly understand what it's like inside your head.

I am sorry for all the times I've told you I felt like you weren't trying, when you honestly were.

I love that fact that you are Always Ready For A Hug, even when I am not.

I love that you can look at a problem that I have absolutely no answer for, and you are able to instantly solve it with your "outside the box" thinking.

I love that you Always Make Me Laugh.

I love that you are able to almost instantly forgive me for my wrongs.

I am sorry that I have not been able to instantly forgive yours.

I am sorry that you're struggling so hard to get these symptoms under control.

I promise that I will always be here to hold your hand when you need strength.

I promise that from now on I will actively seek out all the positives I see, and make you well aware of them.

I promise that I will be a shoulder to cry on as you wade through the hurt and pain.

I promise that I will be here by your side as your cheerleader as we go through life together.

I promise that I will snuggle with you more, even if "I'm not feeling it" because I know it's not just something that you need, but is essential for your emotional survival.

I am grateful, I am sorry, I am in love with you, and I promise you - forever.

Love, Your Wife.

Good point...I will try to clarify...

She mentioned not having insurance...so he cannot go take meds or, I assume, they cannot do counseling. Although she did say that he probably wouldn't go anyway, it still needs to be something they do...go to counseling. 

My husband and I quit counseling (which he was always willing to go to) because I refused to keep going with him. In my situation, he would go if I asked, but I avoided asking because I saw it as 'forcing' or 'wasting my time' for various reasons.

He does need help. Obviously. She cannot force him to get help. Obviously. The "do what you have to" comment was more along the lines of a suggestion to find clinics or some kind of free services not a 'MAKE HIM GO' kind of thing. She cannot force him to go, and should not, but getting both of them in counseling is probably going to benefit everyone. Hopefully, he'll be willing to go if she can convince him how desperate she feels about the situation. If not, then..as I said..maybe it just isn't meant to be. 

I have to say that I totally and completely understand where you are.  I was there and had an affair that lasted for 5 years because I also missed the passion and the sex.  Not only did it NOT help me, it made my situation so much worse and I ended up looking like the problem in our marriage.  I gave up, about a year ago, thinking that anything would ever change with my husband.  It is like being married to a robot.  I know there are people on this site who have had more positive outcomes than I, but I don't think that is the norm.  My kids are grown so I just do my own thing which right now includes going to the gym Sunday - Thursday to keep the stress down.  Re-doing my guest bath because I WANT TO!  And this weekend I am going on a motorcycle ride with a bunch of guys that also ride Harley's because they are so much fun and I want to have some fun.  I have stopped getting so mad that I tell him I hate him and I want him to move out and I want a divorce because he doesn't realize that those words come from utter desperation.  He just looks at me and says "do what you need to do".   What I need to do is take care of me and YOU need to take care of yourself and your kids.  I would have them screened for ADHD if they show ANY signs.  You have to build your own world to save yourself, but you also have to get a hold of the anger or it will eat you alive.  I never wait on my husband anymore.  If I am ready to go and he isn't...bye, bye!  If he hasn't put what he wants on the grocery store list when I am ready to go, I don't get him anything.  I take care of ME.  And I, ME, am going to re-do my kitchen next year!  Get a babysitter and go do what you want.  The ONE time I asked my husband to watch our kids while I went out, he hired a sitter and took off!  I was so ticked off.  Pretend that you are a single parent (which basically you are) and act accordingly.  Set your expectations of him to NOTHING and get on with your life.  I wish I could hug you.  :-(

You are describing what my life was.  I just started avoiding him all together because we could not have a conversation at all.  He just wanted to talk about meaningless things and then he would forget whatever I had said to him 5 minutes after our conversation.  He nearly burned the house down.  He was constantly making messes and like you said, would literally step over it a dozen times and not see it.  No one can realize what we are talking about unless they live it.  On paper, it doesn't sound that bad I guess, but it was a living hell.  Then he started drinking and it was always "oh, woe is me" out of him.  How bad he had it.  I tried getting him and us help.  Finally he refused to go to another counselor.  He seriously does not think he has it.  And yes, I am going through menopause which indeed may have made me pause on wanting men, but that started before that. Who wants to be intimate with someone you consider another child?  So anyway, good luck to all of you suffering through this, but after years of going through this, the best decision for me and my child was to just get out of the chaos.

I've just been an observer/reader up until I read your posts.  I have lived this...(sans children, different loooong story).  I am the bread winner so my situation is different; however, my family has helped financially to the extreme (IMHO).  So I get the humiliation aspect of that.  My husband was diagnosed 2 years ago with "severe ADHD."  According to his doctor, he's more than likely had this all of his life.  Since he exhibits every single symptom described on this blog, post, etc., I believe there is some PTSD and anti-social personality disorder as well.  Further, he has an IQ of 155...he's a genius, which has definitely not helped.  I won't get into detail about him, but he is extremely manipulative, and in denial of the impact of his ADHD on me and those around him.  No, he's not taking meds or getting therapy...he's somewhat physically active though.  That being said, I do believe he is a great person, but lousy husband material.  I moved out 2 months ago and I haven't felt this much "peace" in years, figuratively speaking.  However, I spent a long time in the same situation, and still am somewhat, as you regarding anger, apathy, etc.

I've been with him for 11 years, 5 of which while married.  I have had chronic depression (mild) on and off for my whole life, but this bout has been described by my psychologist as "treatment resistant major depressive dissorder."  (and a sleeping disorder, to boot!)  And I'm recently learning that a contributing factor is situational, not just chronic.  I'm on two anti-depressants, see a psychiatrist, see and a therapist.  This is the worst "bout" I've ever had with depression.  Much of it I was in denial (I'm realizing recently) and in denial of the severity of our situation.  I'm generally a very self-aware person, so this came as a shock to me.  I've recently changed my primary care physician AND psychiatrist in the past year - two of the smartest decisions ever made because they were either of no use to me anymore or were ever of any use to begin with.  Since then, my health (physical and mental) have improved by leaps and bounds.

Anyway, my past attempts at begging, pleading, yelling, crying, talking, etc. (you name it) were proven ineffective with him.  In addition to talk therapy, meds, research, etc. we've read the "Distraction" books.  They didn't apply to me - I thought they were superficial and trite.  My husband gained a lot of insight and perspective of my viewpoint, but that new-found compassion didn't last.  (and ultimatums didn't work either, even with the consequences lived up to) His stress level had risen due to outside circumstances as well.  The combination of his inability to handle stress and my depression became a pressure cooker.

When I realized I didn't know who I was anymore or my dreams/goals were, because everything centered around him, things changed.  I realized I was self-destructing (drinking, etc.) because I was internalizing all of my pain - I was literally "going through the motions" every day.    I was tired, angry, and hurt.   I finally "woke up" after the cheating happened ("what was I doing?").  So, I put all of my external worries aside (religion, family guilt/expectations, etc.) and decided to take care of me first for the first time.  (God is loving and believes in forgiveness.  My viewpoint in this regard.)

He temporarily moved out last summer, which helped for a minute.  So I moved out this time.  It was the best thing I have done:  I'm sleeping better, feeling tons better, and seeing everything from a better perspective.  I'm even smiling more.   However, I'm not interested to doing couples' therapy...I suppose I'm done.  I love him with all of my heart, but I can't do it anymore. I know what I've done was wrong....I suppose it's the path I was supposed to take to learn self-respect and get internal strength.  The story's not over - I'm very nervous and anxious to find what the next chapter in our lives entails - whether it's alone or together.

And yes, we both have regrets.

In no way am I advocating or condoning my actions, quite the opposite, really.  This is just  a (very shortened) version of my story...kind of a "what NOT to do."  I take responsibility for my part.

BB, I hope you're doing better.  I'm really interested to see how you are doing.

I, myself, am having a bad day.  Angry, depressed, etc.  But definitely not surprised.  Bad/Good days come and go.  Hang in there!

Ditto.  Without my job and my ability to stay employed, we'd be totally screwed.  Now we're just partly screwed.

ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS OMG I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOO SAD!!!!!!!!

What brought me back here were little "issues" that I was looking for some insight into, and of course the comraderie of those of us going through this all-too-similar journey together.  Now another mini "blow up" has happened here at my home, and to hear your story, things are no better/worse there, and it just makes me so terribly SAD!

I get the same sort of "empty" apologies.  The "I know I F'd up and had better make nice" type of apology.  Late yesterday afternoon he was just plain crotchety with me, so I reached a point where I said to him, "I have errands to run (which I did), and I'm going to do them".  He started finishing up what he was doing and said,  "I'll be done in a minute, so we can go do what you need to do."  I had to actually tell him that while I did have an agenda, I was choosing to go alone, because being around him was bringing me down and pissing me off.  We had been at my family cemetery plot for several hours tidying up, planting flowers, re-seeding, etc.  He did alot of work, it was HIS idea to go, and I was feeling that warmth, that closeness, that "connected" stuff married people are supposed to have.  NOT EVEN OUT OF THE CEMETERY YET, he is getting grouchy.  Apparently his GPS wasn't working.  Now why he was even messing with the damn thing I will, NEVER know.  The cemetery is 10 miles from home and we could both get there blindfolded if we had to...but whatever....then I ask to take one more ride by the plot on the way out and notice that all of the flowers we didn't need just got LEFT there.OOOOPS....he said he didn't see the bright pink Impatiens that HE put there...OK whatever..THEN almost home, he remembers something else he left there, and of course, adds that it kinda was my fault...... SOOOOOO Instead of being able to come home, shower, go out to dinner perhaps, and have a nice normal evening together like normal married couples do because we did something quite sad together, and he was there for me, and I felt that "old feeling".......WE BICKERED. :(  Now this morning, I get, "Want a cup of coffee? and I'm sorry we argued yesterday, it was all my fault.....I'M REALLY TRYING TO STOP DOING THAT."

OK...yeah, I get it......what I don't get is how I'm supposed to continue to live with being all riled up MY ENTIRE LIFE, and just accept a little apology an hour/day/week later, and just drop it and it's all good.  That's the part I can't seem to deal with.  I suppose if these were normal (so sorry to use that word---don't mean ANY harm by it) people who loved us and treated us well and behaved properly ALL ALONG, and all of the sudden due to some freak head trauma accident, they started behaving this way it would be different.  We would know the loving goodness of their core, and be able to overlook some things and work on what we were now dealing with, BUT SUCH IS NOT THE CASE.  We are women (well you and I are, Terri) who have been hurt and embarrassed and used and abused forever!!!  If our husbands DID NOT have ADHD, we would have been told to run, to file restraining orders, to seek therapy and to GET DIVORCED.  It's hard for you and I to have sympathy anymore.  I think we just plain ran out.

Correct me if I am wrong with any of this.....and may I add, things here are better since January 6th ADDERALL day...then they have been in FAAAR too many years...it's just setbacks just bring it all home.  How seemingly futile it is to try to "make" our husbands live in "our world", when clearly they can't/won't whatever.

If Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, where oh where are the ADHD people from???

Terri, BIG HUG....it's all I have to give...that an the fact that I UNDERSTAND YOU AND ACCEPT YOU and I walk in your shoes on a daily basis.  Hoping for a change, and SOON!!

Beth <3

Get yourself on antidepressant pills,seek medical help,it will help with the depressions,as far as the anger goes, that is something that you would have to work on for yourself,I know how that feels,I have been angry for 16 months now since I met him and got married,the only advice I could give that helped me is,JUST LET IT GO,and you would feel much better,don't even waste your time fighting the losing battle,makes no sense,your health is more important.

good luck!

lovehurts.

I don't talk when I'm eating. I have been told that its the only time you can get me to stop talking. I'm the hyper talkative type of ADHD. But food is FOOD! Can't talk now, eating! And making real conversation is hard especially with someone you know really well or see all the time. I mean what is there to talk about that hasnt been talked about before? The weather? Sports? Small talk is torture i mean really torture. The girls at work talk about stupid stuff all the time TV shows and clothes. I just dont understand why thats interesting. But I talk about every thought that goes through my head most of the time and thinks its interesting so there you go. People are boring my brain is way more interesting lol

Has your DH not improved at all since his diagnosis? I know every ADDer reacts differently to the meds and diagnosis, but I just don't understand why you are given the Golden Key, which at least explains what is going on in your head, and you do Nothing with this gift??? I have lunch at least once a week with my DW during the work week. We usually talk about the usual stuff, her work, my work, the kids, or whatever is in the Now or Nearly Now. I cannot think of a meal where we never said a word... RED Flag for me! Being better at reading body language and facial expressions there are many times where she looks unapproachable, so I at least try to ask what is bothering her. Sometimes and okay response, sometimes not so much, but I try anyway. The "Eggshell Walk" gets a little old... It also seem to time itself "Perfectly" at the beginning of the weekend, which does not help in the Couple Time area... 

It is like three years post diagnosis and the volcanic issues don't come up too much, but the anger is just below the surface. My fear is my building indifference and loss of anxiety towards her being angry just in time for the weekends. I think it is time for a new round of therapy sessions... I don't like the "Dying slowly on the vine" idea. I'm 46 and have a little kick left in me ;)

I can only speak for myself, I think a side effect ADHD for me is poor self control.. I am so madly in love with this woman that I want to be around and talk to her, maybe even too much. I wish I could give an answer why he would ignore or neglect you. I know an issue for me is being 'selfish' or not flexable. If I don't get my why or if things are not going the way I want I will act out to get what I want. IE run away from her to catch the earlier train. It makes me feel so bad knowing that the one I love is tortured by me instead of feels loved by me. I am not aware of the repercussions of my actions until its too late. I need to become more aware of my actions so I can change them.