Sept 1 will be my 18 yr anniversary and ALL I can do is keep thinking how can I escape this nightmare? 99% sure my husband is ADHD. He fits all of the typical symptoms (too long to go into). Our 16 yr old daughter has been diagnosed ADHD & she is nearly identical to her father's behavior. My 15 yr old shows tendencies of ADHD but not to the extent of her older sister. So what brings me here? Desperation I guess...I am struggling to hold this household together for the sake of my girls. I have to navigate 3 ADHD personalities and I have to admit I am failing. I am completely alone with no support system. My extended family is gone due to a family blow up & his family has never been in the picture. My friends are all gone because they got tired of my husband refusing to let anyone over or to go out, plus all of my energy goes into keeping my household going, no time for friends.
I feel like I have been through it all with Mike - Lying more times then I care to count the latest HUGE lie was a secret bank account that he was hiding, that took over $40,000 over 4 yrs, which he spent all of. He continues to blame me for HIM doing because if I was not such a nag or tight with money he wouldn't have had to do it. I kicked him out at that time for 8 months, but due to financial reasons & his "act" of changed behavior I allowed him back into the house to reside in a separate bedroom. (nearly 18 months ago) But the "change" did not last, we don't talk ever, his only focus is work & when he is home he is the "leave me alone type". We are in financial trouble because his impulsiveness has him spending on his CC everyday. I have begged, pleaded, yelled, cried every tactic to try to solve our problems. Nothing has worked, partly because he refuses to even acknowledge he might need help & he has this way of ALWAYS making it my fault. I am definitely the "MOTHER" in this relationship, I need it to end. His hyper focus is downloaded movies & books or work. There isn't any room for me or the girls. Any request for him to help with the household or girls is met with resentment and anger, because I am "telling or ordering him" to do it.
I had to quit my job, which was my only financial way out, because my 16yr olds ADHD diagnosis & anxiety issues were coming to a crisis point. So now I am here a year later feeling trapped, alone and with no hope. Oh to make matters worse I am OCD with anxiety issues. (Most of which stem from lack of love and security) The two triggers that an ADHD spouse has the most trouble with. I spend my days trying to hold off all of the ADHD issues of my family by trying to micro-manage their lives. Which I have tried often to stop doing but then the whole household falls apart. Mike expects that since I am not officially working (I run my own business from the home but it gets put to the side because of the family needs) that ALL of this is MY responsibility. I should care for the whole house (a fixer upper & is in serious need of repairs, which I have to do), the bills (make money magically appear out of NO WHERE since he is spending uncontrollably) and handle ALL of the girls needs (micro-manage homework their chores, social calendars etc). He sees his ONLY role is to work because it is such a stressful job the rest of his time is down time. But I am DROWNING, my OCD has me tied up mentally in knots trying to plan the unpredictable nature of my family. I simply can't do it all anymore.
When I consider walking away, I will still have ALL the same issues PLUS NO financial support. Even when he was out of the house I ended up being the "mother" paying bills so he didn't lose his place or working out his schedule so he could visit the girls. He turns EVERYTHING into my fault and with my OCD/anxiety its an easy guilt trip to ride. It is hard to not just walk away from it all & start OVER. Let him raise the girls, deal with the house. But I brought these 2 girls into the world and it is my responsibility to raise them to college. I chant to myself all day long, only 4 more years until my youngest is in college. I can hold on right? I know they won't find success without someone there to help them.
How do you do it? How do you be a 1 man band with all of the responsibilities and none of the support? My oldest son, previous relationship & I was a single mom, was not as hard as this situation. He was my only help but he is now successfully grown, college graduate and set to get married soon. I know there has to be a better way and I hope any non-ADHD spouse can offer some insight or advice. I know Mike is struggling too with the ADHD and the dysfunction of our marriage, however I have no more ideas on how to fix.
Sadly ALL I every wanted was an equal partner in this life to love & who loves me. How do you deal with the loneliness of the ADHD unaffectionate spouse? Or are we just destined to be their "care takers" forever?
Sorry for the long rant but this is the 1st time I have put any of this out there to the world, guess I have 18 yrs of sadness built up.
Hello Krina...Just read your post...I will pray for you!
Submitted by c ur self on
I'm sorry you are living in such chaos...But, first let me say that you have just posted your story to many, Many, MANY!...who understand...I have a wife who has dealt me misery...Not because of her severe add...But because I didn't know how to live with a person who lives in that mind...So, after 11 months of separation and dealing with my own anger...I finally realized I had two options...Leave...or live with her. So I choose to live with her...But, I am doing by best to do these kind of things....One is focus on loving her w/o expectations (not easy)...Do not let her style of living (hoarding tendencies, outbursts, desire to control, very little help around the house, always making life about her. No time discipline.. etc..etc...etc..:)...It's funny to even start a list like this...I know better:)..Also, I do what I have to, to not allow myself to be subjected to irresponsible behavior...I would not live with her or anyone who lives so irresponsible with out boundaries..I would not share bank accounts with her. I try hard to not HELP her in business or other issues in life...I found out with her, that people who live irresponsible and in denial...Must have someone to blame for that to work, so they can feel justified in the eye's of their children and friends and family....So I was the dumb Ass, who waded right in the name of love to save the day :) All I got for that 4.5 years was mad and bitter!...So, accountability has only began to come to this marriage the last 8 months (since we got back together) since I refuse to engage or be dragged into unwise living...I think you and your husband should go to a counselor together...How long do you think you can mother them all before your health goes?
Thank you for your supportive
Submitted by Krina on
Thank you for your supportive reply. Over the last 18 yrs I have tried to mitigate the damage his behaviors caused. We have separate bank accounts, 1 joint for bills then money distributed to the other accounts, separate CC and basically separate lives. But he still managed to find ways around all of it, by having direct deposits set up to a hidden account. What's hard is how he honestly doesn't seem to see how it affects the family or how the girls needs should be 1st. Your post did inspire me to the next attempt to get a handle on our CC debt. I am going to try the blue bird american express prepaid card. It gives text messages on balances and it wouldnt be unlimited funds. I have had success with him leaving the checkbook at home and not using ATM cards (we don't even own them). I handle the monthly bills so there is only 1 accounting system.
I try to set boundaries, ie he is responsible for his own day to day, laundry, lunch, getting up for work and cleaning his bedroom. Again small successes since for 15 yrs I was the alarm clock, chef, maid.
Counseling we have discussed on several occasions with it always ending in the same, he doesn't have a set schedule and on his days off the last place he wants to go is counseling. One of the conditions of him returning to the home was he was required to see a therapist. Well his uncanny ability to portray me as a wicked shrew who controls his every move and constantly "abuses" him had the counselor telling him to DIVORCE me. Obvious to me that therapist had no idea of the ADHD mind but to him it only reinforced that the problem is ME. Part of me wishes he would have listened and left for good.
I try hard to not be hurt by the fact we are simply two adult roommates coexisting in the same house. To be ok with silence as a form of peace rather than yelling of a war.
But what I struggle with what is consuming is my own internal anger. I can't even seem to get through the day without an under the breath comment or seething inside with rage over another let down. I keep attempting to focus on "what needs to be done" Set my goals and working to achieve. However even getting out of bed is becoming difficult, the idea of another day starting in the same chaos is daunting. I struggle enough trying to keep my own "demons" in check without shouldering 3 others. I find myself questioning "HOW can this be love?" when there is NOTHING that is shared.
I come to the conclusion that love might be too much to hope for. That at least for the next 4 years I will work toward putting myself into a postion to be self sufficient or at least able to walk away cleanly. It's not an easy world for someone who is looking at 50 to begin a career since they spent their life as "care taker." I resent the fact that once we separate his world is better for being married to me, I supported/helped his promotions etc. ME I will lose my health insurance, roof over my head and my best career years because I chose to marry him. I had worked when we were 1st married until it was apparent that this was not an equal partnership. Bills weren't getting paid, house mortgage overdue and overdrafts from bank accounts. My kids were small & no job would understand the many absences. I have a college degree (now outdated) and many consider me "intelligent" but I wrestled between my "obligation/responsibility" to my family with career.
Like many here I feel like I got duped...that who I thought I was marrying was not who I live with daily. I used to be vibrant engaging and the whole world anxious to explore. How do you get that part of yourself back? Maybe my next step is my own counseling?
Hi Krina,
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
Hi Krina,
It seems you have answered your own question here, and given yourself good advice. It sounds like you have made the decision to stay in the marriage for the next 4 years. At least that appears to be your decision for now...in support of your daughters. And it appears that you have given up on the idea of entering into counseling with your husband. I am sorry you had such a bad experience with his counselor, but it is true that therapists mostly respond to what they see and hear in front of them. His counselor must have gotten an earful to have given him the advice to divorce you!
So, it would seem appropriate for you to take care of yourself, and go to see your own counselor. A good therapist can really be helpful in supporting you to share your concerns and desires, to help you build your self-esteem, and to put what you are dealing with in perspective so that you have room in your life to focus on yourself, as well as the needs of your daughters. I really support you to give this to yourself. The right counseling relationship can be very helpful.
I wish you the best.
I thought I would never feel free again.
Submitted by c ur self on
I read books, I tried to learn about add/adhd and it was helpful, but for me I new something else was wrong...I had a much deeper issue, one deep inside me...I don't know how you feel about matter's of faith...But, I was so locked up with bitterness, the feelings of betrayal, I felt lied to, and unloved...I was hurting just like you are, and many here on this forum...I started praying and asking God to take away my pain, my anger..It seemed like I was going no where for months...But, he finally started allowing me ( I was so focused on her, I couldn't see my own heart) to see myself...He was right there ready to take my hurt, my bitterness...But, I realized I really didn't want to let it go...It was my protection. So, finally peace (Jesus) moved in and I'm not mad, bitter and angry and longer...I still deal with all the behaviors...But, now I'm learning that I can still have peace, and be responsible for my own actions...I do not need to try and force anything in this relationship...It is just an Illusion to think a relationship can be forced by one party...I was basing my peace and happiness on someone else's actions...You do need to continue to deal with your own heart...I just had to learn to trust the Lord, and pray for my wife...My counselor told me "C Ur Self you are not responsible for your wife, You are only responsible to her." To Love her, and be a faithful husband...The beauty of that truth really helped me...I was carrying such a burden, trying to run interference for another adult (although she lives like an 8 year old much of the time) who didn't think like me...She really was miserable also, because she likes it her way...So now, I just keep my comments loving and FEW (hard for me) :) Our marriage may end someday before one of us dies...My prayer is that if it does, I'm not mad, angry or bitter...And as long as I keep my focus on Jesus, where real peace comes from, by his Grace I can make it.:)...I really hope the very very best for you. :)
Purge him now!
Submitted by kalexandria on
Hi! Sorry for your anguish. A good cry can be very cathartic. First, you MUST accept the marriage is over. Second, if he can't be an adult about things than you must. Try to set an example of civility. This should be easier to do once you manage to let go of him emotionally. Remind yourself that this person will behave the same way in any relationship, more or less. So in that sense, he's not your problem anymore. If you are still under the same roof, view him as a roommate and nothing more. There is no rehabilitation to take place here. Begin sorting out how you can deal with your financial issues by deciding who is responsible for what (if you can). He has legal obligations to your family so hold him to that. Your children will give you strength when you need it. You are about to find out what you are made of. There is strength within you that you have not begun to tap. It's okay to wallow for a while, in fact, it is necessary as a part of the purging process.
Most importantly, investigate what attributes this man had to establish such a hold on you and learn how to identify them in the future FROM A MILE AWAY!!! The sad truth is, we tend to develop patterns of behavior that lead us down similar paths. YOU DO HAVE A FUTURE!!! Now go and create it!
Best of luck!
kalexandria
Purging
Submitted by Krina on
Kalexandria,
Thank you for your support...your message came at a rather difficult time and it was very helpful. I wish it were as easy as picking up and getting out tomorrow. If it were JUST me, I wouldn't think twice. I have had to leave my life behind several times in my youth with nothing but my clothes on my back to start over.
It's my daughter's, my oldest has 18 months before college and is struggling in huge ways with her ADHD and anxiety issues. I am working her therapy with her to get her back on track. My younger daughter will be in college in 4 yrs. My younger teen would easily pick up and move to an apartment if necessary.
Mike & I are roommates in every sense of the word at this point, separate rooms, lives etc. We reside under the same roof only functioning together on the kids behalf. Which even getting him to talk to his daughter's once a week is challenging. He feels it is THEIR job to connect to him & since he can't find common ground with them either he puts in very little effort. I see him writing off their relationship in all the same ways he has written off ours. I wrestle with my Christian beliefs when it comes to Mike and my duty as a wife. We ONLY have a parent/child relationship & his maturity is that of a teenager in the throws of a rebellion. EVERY time I open my mouth its met with eye rolls, under-breath comments & complete disregard. When asked to even do the simplest tasks he says sure then "forgets" or refuses to do it. Doesn't matter how nice I ask or leave it to him to handle in his own way. He is convinced ALL of this is MY problem & basically I have the "easy" life. I continue to try to break my emotional ties but their is such loneliness in being "MARRIED ROOMMATES." But I can't imagine hopeless misery is all I have to look forward to on this EARTH. Daily I work toward fixing my house myself in order to sell it next May the earliest. I am trying to pare down all personal or needless items.
ALL I care about are my girls at the moment, until I can get my oldest to be more self sufficient with her own issues I can't hold a traditional job. Her school is calling the house at least twice a week for one issue or another. Unfortunately that puts me at a huge disadvantage financially and even his "support" would not be enough to take care of them while they finish school.
Today is another day started with chaos...my youngest did her best to juggler her responsibilities & take care of herself for school. It's Mike's flex day at work but instead of getting up on time so he could be back for his daughter's performance he work up 2 hours late, argued about dropping off 1 thing for his other child's event, then screamed at me when I updated him on his responsibility to the kids next weekend. The only day I won't be available to juggle sports & activity required volunteering. My oldest daughter had to be constantly woken up for 45 min straight, ONLY had to take care of her personal needs, cried and screamed when she was requested to finish a chore she had neglected to do for a WEEK, realized she didn't have her outfit for her performance....and on and on and on....until we were 45 min late for school which made her sister late for a test. The two of them combined is absolute craziness & no matter what I do to distance myself, my youngest & I can't escape the chaos. We both live on edge trying to head off the tornado that rips through the family every time they are around. I love my oldest, but she is so much like her dad it scares me because NO MAN will tolerate what I have tolerated. I fear that I will be perpetually in a cycle of "care giver" with 1 or both of them for the rest of my life and GOD help me I was not built to be a "care giver." The role does not suit my personality though I know it is my responsibility currently.
All I can do is try to encourage my daughter's to NOT marry an ADHD partner which is a horrible thing to say. My oldest is now ONLY attracted to ADHD like minded boys and the idea of them having children is scary because I KNOW I will have to take care of the ADHD child as well. I do hope that the medication and therapy will help her along enough where Mike has never gotten help.
Thanks to all for giving your support and input...wrestling with the do you stay or do you go is a difficult choice for every spouse.