I would really like to hear from non-ADD spouses who experience what I call "meltdowns" from their ADD wives or husbands. Actually, uncontrolled nuclear fission culminating in a nuclear explosion is the better analogy. I've seen the phrase "walking on eggshells" throughout this site. That's how I live. Actually, it's more like walking through a minefield. In talking with my wife, I know that at any moment she may take something I say the wrong way, or take it personally, or "mis hear" what I say ("hear" me say things I didn't actually say - scary!) and then fly into a rage. The insults and yelling and screaming begin and it's like dealing with the Tasmanian Devil. When this happens and I try to walk away, my wife follows me and keep on attacking. Or she'll wait a little while and pick up right where she left off, oblivious to my efforts to defuse the situation. Finally, I lose my temper and fight back. Then, she attacks me for my own angry words, all the while ignoring what drove me over the edge in the first place, i.e., her meltdown!
This happened recently the week before the California Bar Exam. Knowing that a meltdown was possible, (it always is with ADD), I told my wife, "No meltdowns this week. I don't care if I'm unreasonable. No meltdowns. Please, not this week." Incredibly, she did it anyway when I took a call from her son's father's wife, who called to say the dad, who lives in the UK, had been arrested. I took the call because I thought my wife would want to know. My wife considers this woman Satan incarnate, however, and she (my wife) flew into a rage because I had. I spent the next three days defending myself against outrageous accusations of disloyalty for doing so. She screamed, yelled, attacked my character, all at a time when I needed to be focused on the single most stressful event a person can go through. To this day my wife still thinks she was entirely reasonable during all of this.
This type of rage has happened before. It's like she turns from this sweet person into a MONSTER in a flash. Later, she blames me for the meltdown, usually accusing me of "not listening" and that if I had, she wouldn't have t gotten so upset. Does this sound familiar to anybody else out there?
I use the volcano erruption analogy
Submitted by Sophi on
I understand completely what you mean about neclear explosions. With my husband it is stress that really sends him over the edge and all hell definitely breaks lose. His eyes take on a whole different personality and it is like talking to a stranger. It's like a vicious circle, it sounds like you know what i mean. My husband is the sweetest man I have ever known...that is, when the volcano is dormant. He tries really hard but he can't help it - he too hears things i didn't say and then doesn't remember things he said....it's a no win situation. So what I used to do was just to withdraw - that just made it worse. Now I am getting better and picking the beginning of the cylce as i call it - but it means that i have to be very in tune to how he is feeling and to his stress levels - when he starts to bounce of the walls (he also has obsessive compulsive disorder) is when it can easily go wrong. I have to in a careful way tell him that he seems a bit stressed, did he realise and is he feeling ok? SOmetimes i get it right and sometimes i dont. However, regardless of what happens if i lose my cool as well and get angry back (some might call it self-defense) it makes it a gazillion times worse. I just try to stay cool and say things like that hurt my feelings, I'll give you some space, or please try to explain what you are feeling. The key seems to be able to have a phrase that triggers them to look at how they talking/acting. The other thing that really works is if i get my husband to write down how he feels instead of yelling and being angry at me. That works because he can get how he expresses down without interruption, Sometimes what he writes is incomprehensible, but it makes sense to him. And when he reads it after he has cooled down he can use it to help me understand what he was feeling when he wrote it. Also, it's there in black and white so if he thought something that is not true and then reads it, he can see for himself that he was not in a good place when he read it. I hope sharing these things helps in some way.
Rages/Meltdowns
Submitted by Steph on
Yes, unfortunately I see this as well. Sometimes its a gradual "agitation" that may take days as it works its way into a full-on explosion followed by a visable "calm" -almost a release for him. Most of the time though its a quick change in mood with no really visible precursor. I am quite a masterful observer at looking back to see what triggers him. I've looked into food allergies, sleep patterns, everything I could think of. With the assistance of counselors though, as far as we can tell there is often times no outward trigger and it may be something more organic in nature like a chemical imbalance. As of yet there is no diagnosis although we all know there is much more going on than just ADHD. I do see times when he is stressed due to lack of ability to clearly communicate what he wants or even when he doesn't understand what someone is telling him-thats the ADD part of him triggering a frustation explosion. I can understand those outbursts although inapproppriate as they are. His explosions usually are filled with yelling, rants about weird things, inaccurate information and accusations, throwing things (mine) breaking things (mine) and when I do leave the room (I can't engage him in that state) he follows me and gets even more aggressive when he realizes that I will not take part in that behavior. He blocks me from leaving etc. He is 100% irrational in that state. The scary ones are the ones that just seem to come out of nowhere. We can be having a nice conversation, doing something fun or doing something benign and he just snaps! And he's brutal! He has spewed some of the most hurtful, venomous things while in this state. I agree that his whole appearance changes-his eyes, his physical stance- as he morphs into this monster. Afterwards, I am in a state of fear, shock, panic, and usually shaking and crying with my heart racing at a million miles an hour. This can't be healthy for me!!! HE on the other hand looks like he just had a one hour massage...all calm and actually sweet and acts like nothing happened. That makes me feel like I am crazy and that there is something wrong with me! He gets mad when I avoid him for a period of time after one of those episodes because I am trying to process it all and just plain afraid! Oh, and of course, he blames me for "making" him get that way, for "making" him get mad and if I didn't piss him off he wouldn't have to be like that. We are on our 4th counselor right now. No one seems to be taking my concerns seriously and just seem ok with giving him refills for the same Ritalin prescription. I am so frustrated, exhausted, scared...if it weren't for my own individual counselor I really don't know where I would be.
Steph
And he's brutal!
Submitted by Sophi on
Hi Steph - I understand 100% what you mean when you write "Afterwards, I am in a state of fear, shock, panic, and usually shaking and crying with my heart racing at a million miles an hour." It's very scary. It would be great to have a hidden camera rolling for such moments. I am sure they would be horrified when they saw those meltdown moments replayed. The thing that i found exacerbating is that none of his friends see any of this behaviour at it's best (ie worst). He seems to save it for me only - i often think there is some subconsciouse trigger that tells him it's ok in front of me - in fact it's like sometimes he saves his frustration, which i also can often see building up over days, until he gets home. Almost like a child who has had an upsetting day at school and who waits until they get home where it's safe before they cry etc. Lately my husband has begun to accept that it might be him being completely incoherent and basically just out of control over nothing and not me causing it. However, after one of his horrific meltdowns in which i thought he was actually going to physically attack me - it took me saying that I was leaving (once he calmed down) because I couldn't take the emotion roller coaster anymore....and i was prepared to do it. Anyway, since then he seems to have improved a great deal and doesn't seem to be in denial about his add and obsessive compulsive disorder so much. It is still very very tricky and it is only my patients i think (and love for him) that keeps us together. There is only so much he can do.I worry that one day i will run out of patients and become worn down.
Keep searching for a counsellor/pshychologist who can help you both. We eventually did and it has made a great difference because the psych seems to be telling him the same things i am. He even had a look on this website yesterday, which up until now he has hated me refering to it. He found some stuff he could relate to. It's a long road. Take care of yourself - you're not alone. Sophi
Rages/Meltdowns
Submitted by newfdogswife on
I experienced the same situations. It wasn't until I had more or less a mini-meltdown myself, where I said enough is enough, I'm not living like this anymore and boldly asked him if yelling, screaming, throwing things, punching holes in the walls, etc. wasn't anger or rage, then what did he think it was? I believe it was a wake-up call to him that something "was" wrong. He talked with his counselor and they worked on that first. He had him watch a series of tapes on anger and they have helped tremendously.
My husband would also let go in the comfort of our home, most of the time. It's like they feel safe and can hide their issues from the outside world.
Film on Anger
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Do you remember the title/producer of the film?
Recording Rage
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I like the watching films on anger if it's set up right. Having a counselor suggest it is an excellent way to set it up. I also wonder if a spouse who is in denial about his rage would mind if you set up a motion sensitive video camera in a location where fights often happen (kitchen??? Not the bedroom, obviously!) You would absolutely need to ask permission first, since you wouldn't want to be sneaky about something like this, but I'm thinking the response might be something like "you wouldn't get anything meaningful..." Eventually you would get something you could play back that might really make the point - or even better, several somethings, depending upon the frequency of his rages...and that could give a needed shock that this is not okay behavior.
Hi Steph, I've come out of a
Submitted by PD (not verified) on
writing out your anger
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Both of your tips are very helpful, thanks! I particularly like the writing down your angry feelings. A non-ADD spouse could do this, too. I always found that keeping a journal was a great way to keep in touch with what was real and what wasn't. As you say, sometimes the b.s. meter goes off when you read it later...which can provide good insight.
Have you looked up "Borderline Personality Disorder?"
Submitted by tryintogetby on
Stopinterrupting, have you checked the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder? The unpredictable rages (especially coming on the heels of such an important time in your life) and the inability to see YOUR needs screams BPD to me. My mother was BPD, so I've lived with those rages most of my life. In fact, avoiding and dissociating during those rages may have contributed to my ADD symptoms. (I may have PTSD, not ADD, but the coping strategies for ADD really help me.)
See? I'm losing focuS!! Anyway, back to you....
BPD symptoms can be found here: http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/indicators.shtml
I just don't think manipulating other people is a part of ADD, but it is *integral* to BPD. Good luck, and God bless you.
constant level of rage
Submitted by Perry F on
I seem to notice a constant level of rage. The kids and I constantly walk on eggshells around the house knowing my wife can "snap" at any moment. Any discussion can turn into an eruption of screaming, swearing and name calling. There seems to be no boundary that she will not cross. Last week she called our 15 year old son a "ni**er" because he was "lazy". Our 9 year old used to cower in his bedroom when fights erupted but now he seems to take them in stride. I don't know what worries me more.. She seems to either completely love someone or really hate them, no middle ground. It doesn't seem to be confined to our home though. She will yell at any one of us in public also. I did get her to counseling a few years ago but that stopped because "she was not on her side". She will scream at me to tell her how I feel but then interrupt when I try to do so. There is no verbal argument that I can come up with to fight the illogical (mostly senseless) points that she comes up with. I see so many more of her traits in here...inability to finish a project, piling junk in obscure corners of the house, low sex drive, etc.
I do notice things get exponentially worse during her monthly cycle but I don't know if she uses it as her ticket to explode or if her hormones trigger a greater reaction. Sometimes it helps just to write things down.
hint; brain chemical imbalance
Submitted by simora on
find ADHD specialist because they can help her understand what is going on without taking sides. Yes hormones disrupt already volatile imbalances. Try chocolate, dark, 80% coco, cant do too much harm. If you notice her mood improve, it has to do with endorphins. There is lots about that stuff on the net.
WOW - me too!
Submitted by WiiRbookworms on
For as hopeless as I feel about my marriage right now, I see so much of my life in these replies. My wife was dx'd with ADHD last November. Before then it was always a struggle to figure out what I did wrong. Counselors commented on how they saw me as walking on eggshells. One time all I did was sit down while I waited for her to get ready. I was beat and just wanted to rest for 2 seconds if that's all I had. The volcano immediately erupted with a flow of hurtful comments. Staying cool helps b/c on the few times I ever replied with anger, I received the same response of focusing on my reaction and not what happened to get me there. She still remembers those times and brings them up. I agree, a video of it would be nice, I thought that MANY times!!
Yes, she also accuses me of not listening, so I'm completely there. I've become very good at summarizing and repeating what I hear during entire conversations.
Stress DEFINITELY plays a major role in her moods. She's a teacher so the begining of the school year, end of the quarters, November and December, and the end of the school year are all TOUGH times.
She's on meds and will go back for that appt, but she will not go to counseling - marriage or for herself. She told me last night she does not want to be married. She tied that in with going to counseling b/c she does not 'want to be told what to do.' I'm a please and thank you guy, so I'm trying to think of how many times I've ever told her what to do; marriage is a partnership.
Maybe I'll spend more time on this site and help myself while hopefully providing 'something' to everyone else as well. Maybe I can at least learn to be a better friend to her in the end...
I have so much more to say, but I need to get a few things done. I wish somehow our shared pain could help erase it or at least make it better. ...something...
Thanks,
Dale
meltdowns
Submitted by Kathleen (not verified) on
For Kathleen
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Read "Fighting for Your Marriage" to learn about the "speaker/listener" communication pattern. Should help you a lot. You won't use it for all conversations, but knowing how to do it will get you both more tuned in to when you might need it and how to manage the smaller conversations, too.
I hope this helps someone out there
Submitted by Sophi on
At least by sharing our experiences here we know we have some explanation of what is going on - that it is not just us - there are others in similar situations. I have found the only way the situation improves is when my ADD spouse recognises that he is the problem (mostly)....and i have learned to keep my mouth shut to make sure i don't make it worse. I find that what really seems to work is to be positive no matter what happens. I used to try and get out of the way during his rages. However, I have found that only makes it worse - if i can do something to snap him out of it then that makes a really big difference. It's like Dale said in his post that when you do say something that has upset them even if it's only because you just couldn't take the abuse any longer they remember it always, but not necessarily what got 'us' there.
So, if it is of any help to anyone...what i have been doing the last month is no matter what he says of does I am my normal self. That is, i don't get nasty back....I don't escalate the situation. I am true to myself (not easy to do because sometimes i just want to hit him over the head with a pot), but anyway, it does seem to make a difference. Several times i have had to pick my moment and say something like 'i have noticed that you haven't been yourself lately, you don't need to explain, but i was just wondering if there is anything i can do for you' ...it seems to snap him out of his mood - not necessarily right away, not sure why it works. I think it somehow makes him stop and thing, 'yeh i do feel crap, and why is that?' and when he can't actually think of a reason why he feels crap he must feel everything is ok --- i'm not qualified to explain the ins and outs of it all. All i know is that it seems to work. Of course, this means i have to be very patient and aware of his every mood - i hate to say it, but it's much the same way as I would keep an eye on how my kids are feeling. It's a big effort but well worth it. It's like he needs a little help every now and again to get back on track. He is on meds, and the day's he is not are more difficult.
As an example, he had been in a bit of a distant mood (this means generally not very nice) for a couple of days, so when he came into the kitchen in the morning i had packed up a morning snack he could take to work him (i usually do this sort of stuff) - he instantly felt happy and so at that point is when i said i had noticed he had something on his mind. The key seems to be not to ask what it is or details, as often he doesn't know himself. I got this idea from reading Dr Phils - Relationship Rescue.
My husband says he likes it when i point out to him that he hasn't been himself because it snaps him out of wherever it is he goes in his mind when he gets difficult to live with - aka errupting volcano.
Of course everyones situation and partner is different. And what is working for us (at the present moment) may not work for everyone.
Every day brings something new.
I hope this post helps someone.
Sophi
That's very interesting
Submitted by Frustrated yet ... (not verified) on
Welcome to my brain
Submitted by Patch (not verified) on
You've got it together
Submitted by Nerdmom920 on
You sound like you've got it together, better than most ADHD or not. The only thing that gave pause was the term you used disabled. As someone who spent a great deal of their time working with "people with disabilities" I have to say that there isn't one person on this planet who isn't disabled in some way shape or form. From the President down. Don't even sweat those folks who want to act superior because you're facing your issues in ways that they probably aren't. Most people who set themselves up to judge others do it out of fear of someone finding out about their differences.
My concern with how you are
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
Dejavu
Submitted by Misunderstood (not verified) on
Great Description of ADD - Thanks, Patch!
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Thank you so much for sharing this! It's great to have someone elaborate so well the positives of ADD - yes, you CAN take control when not enabled. Yes, you can develop a healthy self-image even if you've had people around you snicker and dismiss you. Yes, it IS great to have a spouse who loves you for who you are. Yes, being open to different ways of doing things is one of the tricks of being successfully married to a person with ADD.
These are the things I'm trying to get across here. Thanks for backing me up with your insight!
Avoiding Meltdowns
Submitted by Crissy (not verified) on
Different concept of time than the rest of us
Submitted by StopInterrupting on
It does NOT take "FOREVER" for us (non-ADD spouses) to say what we have to say.
It just seems that way to the ADD spouse.
Of course if we were permitted to say what we have to say without being interrupted at least two or three times PER SENTENCE it would take a lot less time to say it.
ADHD Spouse in Denial
Submitted by bwg on
Hello everyone, this is my first post. So glad to know that I am not the only person going this situation. My husband is ADHD (in denial) and BPD (undiagnosed). I have been seeing a councelor to help me cope. I am married now for 20 years, ADHD husband, and one ADD child, who is not in denial. He has meltdown, it seems that anything can set him off. It is always my fault or one of the kids or someone else, never him. After our son was diagnosed with ADD, I would go to see a counselor with him to help me learn how to motivate him. I learned that his was hereditary and so is BPD. The weekends are the worst, there is always a lot of tension and usually arguments the whole weekend or parties or both. Though he has never hit me, he has driven at excessive speeds with the whole family in the vehicle. My husband uses the kids to make me do what he wants. He takes he youngest one somewhere without me knowing or he finds a reason to punish him. All where no one else can see. It helps to know, that I'm not alone in this, even though no one in our neighborhood know what he is like in the privacy of our house. I wish I could show him what he is like during his meltdowns.
bwg, It is very sad that your
Submitted by brooks30 on
bwg,
It is very sad that your husband is in denial about his ADHD but there is one thing that you must understand. ADHD is no excuse for his behavior of using and putting his family in danger. I am no Dr. but something else is going on here that must be addressed.
There is never an excuse for putting you children in danger or in a situation where they are being used as pawns. If your husband is unwilling to accept his erratic behavior and the ADHD that may amplify it, then you have to figure out what would be best for your children.
If you want to show him what he is like during a "meltdown" I would suggest attempting to videorecord it in any way you can successfully videorecord it. Then show it to him when he is in an open and understanding mood.
thank u all u will see the light at the end of the tunnel
Submitted by adhdmumof4 on
hi i have not posted for about 5 weeks ive been hospitalised with a mental illness and i have an adhd spouse which is an inspiration to all of us and we have three children with adhd and we are all medicated.
we all are working out what triggers each one of us and yes its difficult and it wears as all down BUT we are here together and when meltdowns happen we are all learning how to deal with the triggers and the situation at that time.
I KNOW ITS DIFFICULT WHEN U CANT CONTROL MELTDOWNS AND CAN'T PICK THE TRIGGER POINTRS.
with or without adhd and mental illnesses and non adhd family their is always situation out of our hands but THERE is a light at the end of the tunnel my family is growing stronger and i beleive we r an inspirational crazy family we will not give up on each other.
POINT without my husband i wouldn't be the person iam today he is a wonderful caring person.
PLEASE dont give up it does workout inthe end
im not saying its easy because its damn well not but u have to grow together and live your lives to the fullest and learn from mistakes and u we'll know u have done the right thing.
goodluck
I'm at my wit's end
Submitted by drivingusnuts on
I had convinced myself that my husband was the crazy one, not me. On the aftermath of another meltdown, the thought entered my head for first time ever (quite sadly) what if he's right and I'm the crazy one. The latest blow up was over another conversation we both recall totally different. He says I misinterpret & occasionally he'll come right out with "you are out of your mind" and "you need serious help". How can I recall a conversation that occurred last night entirely different than he recalls it? Yet he swears that he told me he was inviting people over to dinner & I do not recall that at all. I recall him mentioning that after we went to the store, we'd cook on the grill. How could I "mis hear" that? I definitely need to look into this further as I'm ready to commit myself.
ADD anger and rages
Submitted by Annecan on
I was wondering if there is any information or statistics about ADD rages and older men? My husband (62) and I have been married over thirty years, and in that period of time I'd say he's only had real rages 3-4 times. However, in the past two months, with all the stresses of the economy, etc., he's flown into a rage twice. Both times were very scary for me, and as one or two have mentioned, it was a volcano of rage, and the thing that others have also mentioned was his eyes changed. It was like my husband left for a moment, and some monster took over that I did not know. I still get disturbed now just thinking of it. Honestly, my "normal" husband is very passive, so it seemed incredibly out of character. I could use some advice as to how to prevent such rages, and what is the best and safest way for a spouse to react under those conditions to help them calm down.
Space
Submitted by Nettie on
I don't have those stats about which you asked. Concerning "the best and safest way for a spouse to react under those conditions to help them calm down," I recommend that you don't try to help calm him down as such attempts can sometimes worsen the situation. I suggest, when you are both at problem-solving ease, that you negotiate a strategy such as giving each other space and time for self-calming. Please search the communication section of this forum for more information on how to negotiate communication strategies; a lot of good information is already on the board.
idk..
Submitted by tonywhys on
ok im going to try this. after reading some of your letters, I would like to say something from the other side of the coin.
I love my wife, very much. she is in every way my better half. I cannot imagine life without her. she is patient, understanding, kind.. almost too much. I fairly frequently find myself blowing up at her. well, its not just her, its alot of people. I cant even hold down a job because of what i call "black rages". its like a demon possesses me, and I have NO control over what i say. I guess I and my wife are somewhat luckier than most. I was raised in a household w 3 sisters and no brothers, so it never gets violent, ever. unless I am in a situation where I am physically attacked and i have no alternative ..which seems to happen to me a bit. i get people mad.. and sometimes they want to fight me. i can be very stubborn, inquisitive. there are some triggers, like lack of sleep. .but despite a year of begging and pleading with her and trying to make her understand, she dont get it through her head. I am still amost daily being woken up one way or another without any reason. we just had a baby a month ago. i moved out onto the couch one night cause she insisted on getting a bed to let him sleep close to her, called a cosleeper. whats she do? gets up in the middle of the night and places the hungry baby on his carrier right by my head so she could make him a bottle. and that brought on one of the rages. that kind of stuff happens somewhat frequently. but its not just sleep. sometimes its just a persons attitude.. i can TELL sometimes it might come.. and when i get that "feeling" it almost always does. maybe they sense my negativity towards them. .but if they are jerks ...they are jerks. sometimes i am able to avoid confrontation if its not too personal.. but if it gets personal..I black out. its like a freight train is coming.. and I am powerless to stop it. some of the worst things you can imagine come out of my mouth. sometimes i can stop it if im left alone to think about things..but thats the problem. its impossible to be left alone really.. my wife wont do it. she insists on following me around and pushing things. she will not give me time to think. neither will many other people, and you cant tell a boss, hey your pissing me off, I need some alone time. ive tried it. I'm at the point i have tried leaving my wife multiple times , and we havent been married but 3 months. anyways, when ive had a chance to think things over, i always come down back in a regular mood. from zero to jerk back to zero again in 10 minutes. because I love my wife, I dont want to treat her like that. she in no way deserves the abuse i utter so often. but she wont let me leave. I guess she has a few problems herself.. and honestly she deserves alot better than what ive given her. and at this point in her life.. she just had a very difficult pregnancy and now shes facing brain surgery.. but even her family is not there for her emotionally. so i feel trapped. i cant leave and i dont want to stay. this may amplify it, because i find myself doing it with her more than others. but its been so bad, and so devastating to my life ive tried suicide. twice. once i was so close my heart was at 30% capacity. I took 200 sleeping pills. (over the counter..not as powerful, but very deadly in that amount..if they had found me a bit later i wouldnt be here) I wouldn't try it now. even at my worse, I will not deprive my son of a loving caring father. so its a cycle of peace, unexplained unwanted rage, peace. i think she probably feels like shes walking on eggshells often, though she wont admit it. its like a fight or flight response. a defensive mechanism. an adrenaline overload. and the worst thing is 99% of the time i mean NOTHING LIKE what comes out of my mouth. like i will call her stupid. shes not. at all. shes pretty smart actually. she got a diploma, which is more than I did, and she often can figure things out i cant! so i dont mean it at all.. but feeling trapped in drama or a confrontation i don't want..i utter it to get her away from me. i cant keep the words from coming out of my mouth. ive tried therapy, and meds helped for a bit, seroquel specifically.. but the therapy was doing nothing and thats weeks of 5 day a week intensive group and 1 on 1 stuff. and the drs didnt want to keep giving me meds w/o me in therapy to "see if i really need it". I can spend my life in therapy and watched many come in and go. even got in a confrontation with someone in the group. she was telling a father he was right to hit his son. in the nose. literally, saying he should "knock his ass out" because the guy was angry. i said something to her about not encouraging violence and she flipped on me, put me on the defensive, so i yelled. and sometimes i provoke confrontation unknowingly. apparently my voice rises when im trying to make a point or something, and people say i yell when im not even close to it.. but it sure triggers it. its been witnessed many times... peep think im getting mad at them cause my voice is "raising" but i feel no anger or anything... but i do sense them getting angry at me.. and that triggers it. how can i help raising my voice if i dont know im doing it? so what can i do?
I have a similar problem to
Submitted by Cheetarah on
I have a similar problem to Tony when I don't seem to realise when I'm shouting. I also don't know when I'm standing too close to someone and making them feel threatened. Before now I've thought I was just saying 'will you please stop doing that' calmly and apparently I looked as if I was about to punch her in the nose. I appeared so frightening it reduced her to tears which I still can't get over nearly two years later. I don't have any answers but to stop and think about what to say next, also if I'd stayed sitting where I was that day and later on to confront her by asking her why she's done what she did. At the time of the confrontation asking a question like that would provoke her anger and mine but when you're calm you can be more aware of your own voice and body. Has anyone got any other ideas? I'm scared of my own temper and have always asked my father who answers 'just don't get angry'. He gets angry regularly so it doesn't work but he doesn't lose it the way I can. There's got to be a better way of managing a conflict. Has anyone got
any other suggestions?
by StopInterrupting - 05/28/2009 - 23:55
It does NOT take "FOREVER" for us (non-ADD spouses) to say what we have to say.
It just seems that way to the ADD spouse.
Of course if we were permitted to say what we have to say without being interrupted at least two or three times PER SENTENCE it would take a lot less time to say it.
And Crissy permits her, and he admits to his own impatience and has been working on it because he appreciates the way his partner takes the time to find a tactful answer. He. knows she doesn't really take forever and is just describing how it feels when he becomes irrationally angry
"I heard you...I'm just thinking of an answer..." and this is these words are GOLDEN...totally fixed one of our major issues. Now whenever she takes more than a few seconds to answer I don't fly off the handle.
It's an almost supernaturally calm response if you're kicking off and yelling, personally I don't expect that from anyone as it wouldn't be fair to.
Oh and the person I was
Submitted by Cheetarah on
Oh and the person I was shouting at wasn't my partner.