verbal abuse from ADD spouse

Thanks so much, both of you for your advice and support. To answer your question Melissa, yes. When he apologizes I always say I do appreciate the apology but I need to see action. He says he understands, but the viscous circle keeps on spinnin'.

  This week-end we had a bit of an intervention, his parents had long talks with us and are very supportive, they seem to really understand my hurt but my husband seems to be completely missing the point. If I were him, I would be remorseful, apologetic, and thankful that my spouse has been strong enough and loved me enough to stick around and work on this. I would be doing everything in my power to show them how sorry I am, and with every chance I had to show them evidence of how hard I am working to resolve this problem. My husband says the words " I am sorry" and "I take full responsibility for my anger" BUT then, in the same breath, he says that I shouldn't forget that it took two of us to get here and that he has resentments of his own about me!!! Am I crazy or is that completely unbelieveable?? This does not sound like he really understands what has happened, or that he is accepting resposibility at all? How am I supposed to have hope that this is going to change if this is what he thinks?

I think that someone familiar with ADD might help, though it may be that there are other issues going on as well (sleep apnea???)  Obviously it could benefit you both if you could put your finger on what is going on.

The shower incident sounds scary and extremely disconcerting (to say the least).  I used to get furious at my hubby when he interfered with my sleep, and would sometimes yell at him (and I'm not ADD).  This was a result of my complete and utter anger at him when I felt as if he was "ruining" my life.  It's unclear to me whether or not your husband's anger is a reflection of his feelings about your marriage and relationship or whether it might be an ADD thing (if he really is ADD and not something else).  In any event, I don't diagnose things (not being a doctor) BUT the real issue is that things are bad between you and it's time to work them out.

Since you don't mention that he has beaten you in any way, it sounds as if it might be time to start standing your ground and point out to him that you understand fully that your marriage is not in good shape right now and that you wish to work with him to make things better for both of you.  That would mean working through determining what the most destructive elements are for both of you and then having both of you address the issues of greatest concern.  A therapist can help you with this, and probably should given the dynamics you describe - but if you really think he has ADD then you should probably seek out someone who has experience with couples (different from individual therapy), and knows a bit about ADD.  Talk with your current therapist about what might make a good game plan, perhaps practicing how you might approach this subject with your hubby.

You might also read Steven Stosny's "You Don't Have to Take It Anymore" as this is an excellent treatise on the "walking on eggshells" part of your relationsihp and what you can do about it that's constructive.

You know you can't go on like this - time to insist that it starts to get fixed.  And, keep reaching out for positive reinforcement...

I've gone thru that for most of the 22 years of my marriage.  I regret that I did not leave.  Now it is really too late for many reasons.  I hope that he is going to follow up on the possiblity that he has ADD.   The verbal abuse got so bad several times that I got all of the paperwork together, an attorney and told him it was over.  Then he would go for counselling, finally antidepressants helped but it has not been worth it in the long run.  It is very rare now that he yells at me but I feel just as abused over our financial situation and his lack of insight into how his problems affect me.  I feel painful inside and out, my spirit is broken, I have a hard time asserting myself because he is so defensive it's not worth bringing anything up.  Why ask for what I need when I'll be hammered on and told that I am selfish.  Then there are the good parts of him that are strong enough to make me doubt myself.  

I am going through almost the same thing and reading your initial post just made me weep.  I found this site today after sending a note to my husband's therapist explaining that he is getting into a verbally abusive cycle again.  I was desperate to make it stop before it starts all over again.  I love him and despite what I say below, I care very much and want to help him get over this.  He needs his family and we need him.  He can be such an amazing man when he wants to be and when he is not in a bad cycle.  We have been married 18 yrs.  His mother is also the same way - very belligerent and verbally abusive to people - even in restaurants and groups she belongs to.  Despite all his wonderful qualities, he gets obnoxious and belligerent sometimes and makes horrible, cutting remarks to me. 

Here is the most recent example: our son moved out 3 months ago in a rage and got in a fight with my husband which almost turned physical between them.  My parents got involved later by phone and my mother got very nasty, telling me we were bad parents. My son is diagnosed with behavioral problems of his own and my mother was furious that I had talked to a professional about him cutting himself and drinking/drugs.  My mother lives in another country, does not really know my son or my life, but she was getting very aggressive. She wanted me to pretend everything was okay and condone drugs or drinking to keep my son close.  She was furious that I listened to my son's psychologist and did what they said and not what she said.  Anyway, this turned into a situation where my parents and sister stopped talking to me, my son is gone and he dropped out of college with just a few days left when he had all As and is now working at a Hardees trying to support himself.  He was even mugged, but still stayed away from home and I could not convince him to come him.

So my husband is getting into his "tantrum cycle" now.  Last night he was in another rage and started insulting me and telling me I have no friends, and nobody wants anything to do with me (ie: my parents and our son).  This is just killing me.  It hurts so bad, but he will not let up.  Tonight he will come home and resume his anger and insults or stomp around in a rage.  He has also put holes in walls and threatened to use a reciprocating saw to come into the bedroom when I locked myself in there.  So when he gets like that, I am not supposed to lock him out of "his" bedroom.   The amount of pain I am in having lost my entire family is horrible and he knows it.  I haven't been able to sleep at night for months.  He has all sorts of friends at work, but I am studying at home for my MBA.  I have friends, but I am happier to have a few friends I trust instead of being Miss Popularity.         

For 18 yrs my husband always gets into these verbally abusive behaviors preceding every single visit with his mother - he literally puts our whole family through the wringer and rips us to shreds for weeks.  After the visit with his mother is over, he will be fine and acts like he doesn't know what he did wrong.  

Plus, he gets ideas in his head that are totally wrong, and can be proven wrong, but he will not admit it. Our daughter is a bit overweight but she works out at home.  Because he is not there to see it, he accuses her of being lazy and not working out.  Even after I tell him she has worked out, he refuses to  believe it and keeps badgering her like a dog that won't let go of a bone until she cries.  He won't quit and he does the same with me.  He'll say things like "I know what you're trying pull"  when I am not trying to do anything.  He gets himself convinced I am planning some revenge on him and always assumes the worst about me.  For example, his mother is 90 and was having hip surgery last fall.  I wanted her to wait, but she was very impatient and did not want to see if the hip would get better first or really investigate the cause of her back/hip pain.  A friend had told her she had a new hip so my MIL wanted one too.  I advised waiting and getting adequate medical opinions first, because she is a bit of a hypochondriac and had convinced doctors on previous occasions that she needed surgery, which she did not need in the end.  I did not want to see her have complications from surgery, because at 90 yrs old in the middle of a flu epidemic, I thought it was risky and she lives alone, very far away from us with no other family if something happened.   Well, he was treating me horribly for months for saying she should hold off on the surgery for a few months.  He accused me of wanting to see her in pain.  I am a good person, I work as a volunteer trying to save lives - I would never hurt anyone or wish to see anyone in pain, ever.  I have a very soft heart and this really hurt me, that he would think this of me, but he didn't care.  He had it in his head that I had ulterior motives which was not true.  I simply wanted the lady to delay and ensure this surgery would be okay and would help, not hurt her.      

He also lies a lot and gets caught in his lies very often - mostly regarding when he left work.  I like to have him home for dinner before 7 but he is always late and refuses to get up earlier so he can spend time with his family.  If I cook a big dinner, he will say he is not hungry because he ate out at lunch.  He will not take any constructive criticism and walks around like he has a big chip on his shoulder all the time.  He acts like he is jealous of me doing my MBA and will purposely try to derail my work.  It will build to a blow up and then, boom, he'll be fine for 8-9 months and it will start all over again, but I will be left torn to shreds for months. 

I don't have the first clue what to do.  He won't tell me what his doctor says usually, but I was invited to fill out some tests.  He was going to get his mother to fill them out, meanwhile she hasn't lived with him for 25 years!!!  She doesn't have any idea what he is like at home.  When I asked him if he wanted to talk about it, that I would be open, he said "You are the last person I would talk to about anything."  He can be so cruel and he doesn't seem to care enough to stop doing it.