I will try to keep this as brief as possible, as I think most of you who have become desperate enough to post personal information about your ADHD spouse on the internet can relate without excessive background information. And in no way do I intend that as an insult. I have come here because I have nowhere else and no one else to go. I am literally considering divorce. I am a very strong Christian woman, so this is almost embarrassing for me to type those words.
I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for 4. I AM MISERABLE. Unhappy. Sad. Depressed. Angry. Resentful. Fed up. Way past my limit, and way over my head in frustration. He knows he has ADHD, and has since 2nd grade. He is medicated, with Ritalin, and has tried everything else, so it's not like we don't know what works for him. He continues, to this day, to be a right-fighter, to lie about things that barely matter, and to over and under exaggerate to the point where I doubt he can even tell time anymore because that's how often he looks at a clock. There are numerous other things, most of which are typical ADHD things that drive me insane on a daily basis, including the fact that he doesn't work, has been fired at least twice that I know of in the last 2 years, and could care less about me and our daughter's financial, emotional, and spiritual security.
Should I even be considering divorce? What would you do? WHY DO I FEEL BAD ABOUT LEAVING THIS MAN!?
Yes, you should divorce!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for 4. I AM MISERABLE. Unhappy. Sad. Depressed. Angry. Resentful. Fed up.
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Being married to your H is bad for YOUR HEALTH, and you are the bread winner of the family! How can you parent your daughter when you are miserable, unhappy, sad, etc?
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He continues, to this day, to be a right-fighter, to lie about things that barely matter,
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The above words are scary in that he lies about things that barely matter. I once dated a man like this for two years. (This was 35+ years ago.) During the first year, I didn't realize that the lies were lies. During the second year, slowly the lies started to be revealed as lies.....and each lie was over something that there was no reason to lie about. They were just lies to make him "look better" or "make his family look better" or something else that was trivial. Once I started finding out that his stories were lies, I became the "bad guy". After we broke up, he later married, divorced, married, divorced, married, divorced. He is now single and a serious alcoholic. I ran into him about 9 years ago, and he told me that he has ADHD and that he's Bi-Polar. I suspect that he also was a Narcissist.
I know his first ex-wife and she has many stories about his lies. And the lies caused many troubles in their marriage. He lied BIG TIME to get a job that he wasn't qualified for. They were moved across the country for this job, uprooted everything, and then when the company discovered the lies, he was suddenly fired....and they were stuck 3000 miles away from family with NO MONEY and a small child and new baby. That was the beginning of the end, but not before having 1 more kid with him. (big mistake) He was never able to hold a job, so his parents "created" a job for him by opening a business for him and his brother. For a long time, his brother carried the "load" of the business, until finally he was pushed out of the business for not carrying his share of the work. The first ex-wife "held on" for as long as she could because she also was a Christian woman, and divorce didn't exist in her family. However, the lies got to the point that she couldn't trust anything out of his mouth. Plus, the money troubles from his work issues. She finally divorced him. She was able to support herself and the kids. She has since remarried and has been happily married for 15 years now.
The fact that your H is also a "right fighter," is also troubling. What does your H do when you can "prove" him wrong? Does he then twist his position or change his story so that he can still claim that he wasn't wrong?
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and to over and under exaggerate to the point where I doubt he can even tell time anymore because that's how often he looks at a clock.
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I'm not sure what you mean here. Do you mean that he is inaccurate about time? For instance, if I keep my H waiting for a minute or two, H will scream and claim that I've kept him waiting for 15 minutes (thankfully, time-stamps on texts and cell phone calls have been proved me right many, many times. "Uh, no, see I texted you 2 minutes ago, so no, I didn't tell you 15 minutes ago that I'd meet you home.") On the other hand, if H says that he'll be ready to leave the house in 5 minutes, it will be 20 minutes or more before he's really ready to go.
To my H, if he's waiting, then every second that he's waiting feels like minutes to him. A 30 second wait will raise his anxiety level. God forbid if there's a train crossing and he has to wait for it to pass. God forbid if there's a line at the store. He'll later claim that he had to wait in line for 45 minutes, when in reality, he waited for maybe 10 minutes max.
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There are numerous other things, most of which are typical ADHD things that drive me insane on a daily basis, including the fact that he doesn't work, has been fired at least twice that I know of in the last 2 years, and could care less about me and our daughter's financial, emotional, and spiritual security.
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I'll be honest here. There is NO WAY that I would stay with a husband who didn't bring in a regular "bread-winner" income. There is just no way. I wouldn't be with my H right now if it weren't for the fact that I am financially tied to him. H has always earned a very high salary, and he's now retired (high pension), and I now own a business after being a SAHM mom for many, many years. If I had divorced H, I would have been financially devastated. But if he hadn't been a high wage-earner and instead been frequently unemployed or under-employed, there would have been NOTHING keeping me around. And, I'm a Christian woman as well. My extended family has VERY few divorces. But, I would NOT have stayed with a man who couldn't/wouldn't provide for his family. There is no way that I would work full time, take care of the household and kids, while some lazy, unstable ADHD spouse mooched off of me.
What do you think would happen to your H if you separated from him? How would he support himself? How was he supporting himself for all those years before you married him? You were with him for five years before you married him. What was his employment history during that time?
Do you work full time? If so, then this is a no-brainer. Divorce him. The sooner the better. He's dead-weight in the family. That may seem cold, but this is not like having a spouse who suddenly develops cancer and can't work. This is someone with an issue that can be treated so that he can be productive. Too many ADHD men think that they can just go untreated and mooch off their wives who are essentially working two full time jobs...one at work and one at home.