Hi all - Wondering what is the answer to our current conundrum or what are the boundaries I can set for my needs.
We have six wonderful kids, all ADHD. I run our household while my husband travels for work so the parent/child dynamic in ADHD marraiges never fits us. But what is the case is my husband is go go go and I have a combined type where i need to rest. We are currently on a school vacation week and for him it is the mecca of the ski season, we have a ski house, and our kids all can ski. However, I need to recoup and rest this week and experiencing him firing things at me about the house, the skis, the kids, the meeting up, is exhausting. I am sitting on the chair lift in the sunshine and he is going through all of the logistics for skiing the next day.I am in the hot tub and he is again going over the logistics. I made a pasta dinner and a few beers in he is critiquing and being overly authoritative to our kids when he has missed half of what is going on and is wrong in his criticism of them. I am so worn out and think I am approaching ADHD burnout. Coming up against my limits is a huge anger trigger for him. I want to skip this trip or coming up north but I really want to spend time with my older kids. Anyone else have a spouse that runs hot on vacations? Or doesn't allow you to relax? This happens at home on the weekends too.
Well, we don't actually take vacations, but
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
I know exactly how this feels. My husband never stops. He can be overbearing bc he has a very aggressive personality. People always ask me if he's for real and he's had people ask if he's on drugs bc his drive and energy have been almost limitless for his whole life so far. It used to be intimidating bc I simply couldn't and still can't keep up. And, if your husband is anything like mine, his lack of ability to ever be quiet or relaxed was completely draining to me, as well. I'm introverted and need peace and quiet and down time. I reached my 40s and a switch flipped and I started getting really clear on my personal priorities. I just started saying, "No, I don't want to go." "No, I don't want to do that." Not with everything, of course, but if it is simply too much for me, I'm no longer going along with it. At first he did a lot of guilting and shaming me because he wasn't used to me sticking to boundaries, and I really questioned myself and whether I was just being selfish. But after a while he became resigned to it, and I am feeling better mentally than I have in years.
I can't tell you the HOW because, for me, I just hit a breaking point where I couldn't do otherwise. But I can tell you that if you choose to just do it for self-preservation, and you stick with it, you will be glad you did.
(I should add that we actually DO travel a lot for my husband's business, we have four older teens who all struggle to stand up for themselves with their dad - I totally know what you're talking about with unnecessary, uninformed criticism from their dad, as well - I think two of our kids have inattentive ADHD and he can be really hard on them, and I try to stand in the gap as much as I can. I take a lot of heat for it bc their dad simply can't see where he's going wrong and thinks I'm just coddling them, etc, etc, etc. I've really had to let go of the idea that I must keep up with him to spend time with them, too, tho. They will still go along with his sometimes unreasonable schemes to placate him, and I simply can't, so I don't anymore. I am traveling with them less bc it's just too hard on me physically and mentally. Eventually, the kids will have to set their own boundaries with him bc I can offer them an alternative if they want to stay with me, but I can't set their boundaries for them.)
(Also want to add that going through the dragon's fire when setting boundaries is going to be part of it. Not gonna lie. It isn't fun. My husband had started gaining some degree of self-awareness because I had just stumbled onto ADHD as the piece of the puzzle that suddenly made my entire adult life with him make sense. He had finally started listening and actually paying attention to what I was saying, so he definitely handled me setting boundaries better than he would have even 4 or 5 years ago. So it was "easier" for me than it may be for you if your husband is in complete denial. I hope not, but I'm a realist. It will still be worth it for your sanity in the long run.)
Good luck to you!
Yes, It has always been normal for her ADD mind....
Submitted by c ur self on
What can happen to non hyper focus minds, who's life is about balance and managing work, activities, rest, (down time) etc, when our spouse is a hyper focus type mind that is highly focused and invested in activities, we end up feeling overwhelmed, worn out, or worse....This is a very common dynamic in marriages w/ non's and adhders....But, it's like all phases of life with them, we must deal with it in calm moments, and even with a third party present if mutual respect isn't the product of our communicative efforts...
There is nothing wrong w/ being a zealous and high energy individual when it comes to entertainment and activities, if you are living a responsible life in all the more important area's of life....But there is a LOT wrong w/ placing expectations (thinking for) on a spouse who lives a more balanced life...Who doesn't suffer with a thrill seeking hunger and hyper focus to entertain themselves at that level....
Step back and just look at this dynamic, it's no different from any other we deal with...The person who places importance on their own awareness, who are accountable to their commitments, and life's daily responsibilities...Those are the one's who get bombarded w/ expectations by the one's who's natural tendencies are "what's good for me!"...My fun!...My entertainment!...My needs and desires!....Will you....Will you...Will you....Most of us live it, most of us usually end up w/ boundaries to protect from someone disrespectfully attempting to plan your life, and the constant strain that can be placed on us by a mind that is driven by thrill seeking, or even using us for their own selfish ambitions.......It's OK, to say No, and it's OK to rest...
Maybe you should set him down and just tell him...I'm not you, and I do not think like you...It doesn't mean you don't love him...It just means you have a life, and it has priorities, and they will never be his....A marriage has to have mutual respect....And some times because selfishness can be so blinding, and attitudes that scream "if it's good for me, it should be good for everyone", these type minds have to "hit a boundary wall" that wakes them up...So they can see the importance of others lives, just as clearly as their own....
Bless you...
c