My husband is self-employed. He runs a fairly successful business and we usually do pretty well. He had a charge back on a popular vendor website a long time ago, it recently caught up with him and they shut his shop down. The amount was quite high and he has not been able to pay it back yet so he can reopen his shop. We process all orders through our own website and processors now, but the vendor site was his main advertising. He hasn't had a sale since early November and we're starting to feel the squeeze. That's not to say he hasn't had any interest. There are still plenty of inquiries, but no actual sales. Hubby wants me to open a new vendor shop for his product under MY info, and I don't want to. I don't know if it actually makes any difference since we're married, but i feel like if anything goes sideways, it's on ME. But I also feel guilty about it. When we were first married, he wanted to keep our credit separate, but bullied me into putting so many things on my credit and in my name bc he technically made enough to afford it, even tho his credit was maxed out. I didn't want to, I didn't like it, but he was the sole breadwinner, and he wouldn't let it go when he had something in his mind that he wanted and he was a nightmare to live with until I gave in... many of you know exactly what I'm talking about. My credit got destroyed right along with his during the recession. While he has changed the way he spends money now and makes much better financial decisions, I no longer want to have my name on anything of his that I don't have to. I don't even like him putting me on his credit cards and he keeps doing it (so I have to figure out how to get OFF of them). BUT we need that paycheck... I don't know what to do.
When you're not the breadwinner...
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on 01/09/2024.
You're just being smart
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I understand this guilt, but once bitten twice shy, right? You're not being irrational - you have past negative experiences with his financial decisions. Opening the shop under your name can't be the ONLY solution. He simply has to find another way to keep making the business work or to make an income another way (full or part time work until the debt is paid back perhaps?). And if he gets upset with you, that's misplaced blame because you're just rightly protecting yourself based on his past behavior. Without those past experiences, you probably wouldn't hesitate to use your information, but he has lost your trust in this regard and that's on him.
I'm very sorry for the financial stress. Maybe once he understands this is firmly not an option, he'll start getting creative about alternative solutions.
Thank you for the validation!
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
One of the things I take sole responsibility for in our marriage is allowing him to bully me into the things he did in the earlier years. I learned over time to hold my ground in so many different aspects of life, but it was a hard learned reality bc I frequently had to suffer the consequences right along with him for the poor choices he made, even if I had vocally disagreed and he had over-ridden me. But even in this situation where he has asked and is NOT bullying me, I now remember and understand how easy it was to just give in to not have to feel bad when I was still young and trusting. I had no one to turn to for validation or advice all those years ago.
He mentioned it again today at lunch, and said it broke his heart that he felt I don't trust him or his financial decisions after how hard he has tried to "right the ship" and work his way out of debt. Thanks to your validation I stayed silent and didn't apologize or offer anything. And then I was kind of shocked when he mentioned he had kept some junk mail guaranteed loan offer that had come to ME "just in case". I always tear those up and get rid of them. He said it is expired now anyway. But really?!
Eeks - the junk mail!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Isn't that scary that he kept that loan offer!? Him telling you that is like the world was sending you a message that you're doing the right thing here.
Thinking about you and hoping business is back to booming again soon!
My ex kept junk mail
Submitted by sickandtired on
My ex secretly kept my junk mail loan offers, filled out the application, forged my name, and got a $10,000.00 loan in my name!!!! If your ex knows your social security number BEWARE! Check your credit report to make sure no loans or credit accounts you're unaware of have been opened in your name. I caught it, got the bank to transfer the loan into his name (with a punitively high interest rate), and he was lucky he didn't go to jail. He justified what he did because I left him "desperate" and he felt I had left him with "no other choice" than for him to commit fraud. He also got online and changed the title to my Buick I had paid cash for, from joint ownership into solely his name. I made a huge mistake by even putting his name on the car title at all, but I naively trusted him back then, never dreaming he would do such an awful thing. Then he took a bus back to my home and stole my car out of my yard and left me without transportation, even though I had given him a nice Chevy Silverado truck I paid for so he could at least have transportation. He sold my Buick for a just a small fraction of what it was worth "to have cash to live on". Of course he totally blamed ME for both of these crimes. When some folks get desperate, they will totally justify any victimization they might inflict upon you, so PLEASE be careful.
That is horrifying!
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
Sick and tired, oh my gosh! That is bad! I have stories, but not that bad. He did open a store card in my name once without telling me. He does know my social, but I don't believe he'd do anything with it now. He didn't see the problem then, but he knows that's wrong now.
I never dreamed
Submitted by sickandtired on
I never dreamed mine would do such things either. I would frequently check my own credit report if I were you. Your trust can be used against you in so many terrible ways if he's desperate to save his business. Nothing is beneath some people even if they know it's wrong.
I'm so sorry
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
That's terrible! I do check my credit and the services I'm with send me reports every month. He's never tried anything, but that check did weird me out. Was he going to ask me or just deposit it? I'm relieved it was expired.
It chills me
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Dear Eighpryl, that sounds chilling. How difficult to keep boundaries when he's the breadwinner. I very much understand your reluctance taking responsibility for his financial decisions.
Morally, I can't see why you should accept it. It's his decisions. You, I'm sure, take a lot of responsibility for other aspects of your family's life.
I do hope he can find some way to solve this without making you front his business.
Thanks, Swedish
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
I'm not chilled so much as I'm sad bc he is in a somewhat impossible position that affects our entire family, and still every fiber of my being is screaming "Don't do it!" no matter what position he is in.
I am responsible for pretty much everything outside of providing the income for our family. He works an average of 11 hours a day, 6 days per week (self-employment is not for the faint of heart). He is certainly no slouch, but he simply isn't home to assist. I'm not complaining. His job is very challenging, but our lifestyle would be impossible without both of us doing what we do. I appreciate your validation in that!
Thank you! I hope he can find a solution without involving me, as well.
What was he doing before this?
Submitted by adhd32 on
It seems his current situation could possibly have been avoided if he had dealt with the issue before it became a dumpster fire. But alas, nothing is real to an ADHDer until the worse possible scenario comes to pass and then all hands (you) on deck to do the spraying and tamping down while he directs you. If you cave to this you are cleaning up another mess so you just give in to not have to feel bad (your words above). You seem to already know this is a mistake but probably haven't had too much push back from him because he isn't used to having push back from you. Likely he pesters and haunts you until you cave. This time will be different. Tell him you will think about it as long as you given immediate and complete access to accounts receivable and payables. You want all access to his customers and business records, you are now his partner since he dragged you into this whole mess and used your credit. Any help from you must be conditional and he needs to do X,Y, and Z before you will consider any access to your good credit. If he refuses, tough luck Chuck.
You're completely right!
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
Hi Chuck, The rabbit hole is deep on this one and I'll spare you the long version, but the short version is that he had no idea how to charge for his work or value his product in the early years of the business, and wouldn't budge even when I wasn't the only one telling him he had to charge more because what he was doing was unsustainable. We got deeper and deeper in the hole over the years. He always thought he could just work his way out because he was young and strong and could put in countless hours. Well, now he's got his product priced right. The business does very well and we make good money, but the amount we pay out per month in debt alone is absolutely staggering. And now he's in his mid-40s and his body isn't capable of the same things he's done through his 20s and 30s. He has a 5 year financial plan that he's really stuck to well for the last 6-8 months or so, but it is crucial to our business model that orders continue.
I learned to dig my heels in when it came to finances involving myself within the first several years we were married, but the damage was done. He rebuilt his credit bc he needed it, but mine was bad for much longer because he didn't need it. So it has been a good 16 years since my credit or name has been used on anything besides a couple credit cards that are mine alone that I keep for emergencies. I have carefully extricated myself from as much of the business as possible over the years. I already have access to all accounts, clients, email, etc, but I don't want to oversee or get involved in any way with that anymore. There was far too much disorganization to wrap my head around. I have zero intention of being involved financially ever again just in case I need my credit for myself in the future.
Stay strong!
Submitted by Dagmar on
Stay strong, but also get working on a backup plan. After years of struggling to stay ahead of my husband's seemingly compulsive desire to run up stupid debt, he got a great job and it only made sense for me to be a SAHM. You know where this is going. He finally started looking for a new job AFTER we had run out of resources. New job paid 40% less and wanted him to move. Then he lost that one. The first time I went out and got two jobs. The second time, I didn't look for another job. I decided not to enable him. New job paid a little more than the last job, but had a huge commute. He swore he would find another job. It has been 5 years now and we are drowning in debt. Now I have to work 10 times as hard to dig us out of this debt. I'm pissed. Save yourself.
Oh my gosh!
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
I am so sorry! I can't even imagine! I mean, I can bc of how deep we are in debt, but the changing jobs on top of that would send me over, I think.
My husband's had the same business for 14 years, and it's too involved for him to have the option of going bankrupt or changing occupations, so I worry less about that portion. I guess my greatest fear is being tied to that debt myself if/when the kids are gone and I go back to work. Having to pay off things like that as well as any bills going forward.
I am struggling to reconcile
Submitted by ClaraB on
I am struggling to reconcile my husband's financial decisions. This must be an ADHD thing. He has bought two businesses in the last two years. The first was well established and the second he started from scratch. Both in an industry he had no experience in. The first business was doing well as it was well established when he bought it. Since opening the second business he is behind on rent, tax, super, other bills.... he takes out small loans to pay wages. I work. We've just had a baby. He doesn't pay himself and some weeks there is no money in the business accounts for our bills at home. He doesn't see this as a problem - like just no concept of what that means. What it means is that I need to pay more in bills, or that we get late fees in our joint account, which I then pay. He is not open to discussion about it. He thinks if he can just be left alone to do what he wants he can turn things around. that attitude leaves him blaming people - mostly me - for holding him back and therefore why the businesses are failing. It's incredibly stressful. I have gone along with a lot of things that I was not comfortable with because I felt bad for him, or because he is so certain it will be worth it. Now I'm in a position where I think I would be better off financially alone, even with a child. I just can't see him letting go of these businesses even if they continue failing. And I feel sad for him if it fails. But I also feel like he would lose me before closing the businesses. He just can't let go. I don't get it!!? I'm glad your husband started making better financial decisions, even though it sounded stressful early on. Is it an ADHD thing for people to not appreciate consequence until they have felt it's full impact. I feel like everyone could warn my husband about bad decisions, but he would still stubbornly forge ahead to failure before he was able to learn from it. It's very frustrating.
You need boundaries
Submitted by adhd32 on
You didn't mention where the money came from for his business ventures. If it was joint funds you are an owner of these businesses too. Establish boundaries regarding the businesses or get out of the marriage. You are tied to the anchor as it slips further below the surface. You cannot educate someone unwilling to discuss their mistakes. You cannot bet your family's future on someone unwilling to collaborate and listen to ideas and learn. I have found over the years that my H cannot let something go if he "thinks" he can turn it around AKA sunk cost fallacy. He can't face that his idea was beyond his ability to manage and he would throw good money after bad at the problem rather than admit it isn't working regardless of irrefutable proof. Maybe he can't admit to failing. Whatever the reason, the inability to grow and change (that's the big one) is elusive and you have to accept that this IS who he is . You can stay and continue to bail out the boat in which he continues to make holes, you can set boundaries and refuse to help him keep the sinking ship afloat, or you can move on and let the boat sink on it's own once you cut yourself loose. You cannot remain as you are and expect him to become a businessman, he likely isn't cut out for the job. You need to plan for the future of your child, not mop up messes created by another who has no clue what he is doing.
"He is not open to discussion
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
"He is not open to discussion about it. He thinks if he can just be left alone to do what he wants he can turn things around. that attitude leaves him blaming people - mostly me - for holding him back and therefore why the businesses are failing. It's incredibly stressful. I have gone along with a lot of things that I was not comfortable with because I felt bad for him, or because he is so certain it will be worth it."
I have lived this. I am so sorry. When they are convinced, there is no changing their mind. It was proven over and over that my financial advice and suggestions to my H were sound, and in my mind, the repeated instances of my predictions coming to fruition should have given him reason to give some weight to my thoughts on the matter, but he pretty much reasoned that I "just got lucky"... every time??? No, I actually had a brain that he was more than happy to dismiss because he always thought he knew better than me because I was not the one supporting the family. There is no changing this until they recognize it themselves.