Based on what little I've read, there are more men with ADHD than women. I guess that makes me a minority, any other men out there? I am really struggling. I have been married for almost 11 years, have a stepdaughter and two sons. We went to counseling last summer because I had threatened to leave if our non-existent, no wait, we did it three times in 2013 (and yes, I kept track!), sex life didn't improve. At the first session, we were talking through some issues and counselor says to my wife, "Have you been tested for ADD?" So there goes anything I was hoping to gain from counseling.
So she got tested, it was confirmed, and she got medication. Since that time a year ago, I have to have more patience, be more understanding, talk MORE, listen MORE, yet all of the same issues persist. I feel like this just gives her an excuse and it's on me to educate myself and be more understanding. Seriously? I already have enough on my plate. I am the breadwinner, I coach my kids sports teams, I can handle all aspects of housework (cooking, cleaning, laundry, you name it...) I don't feel like I should have to make any more accommodations for my wife. We have unfinished home projects (she loves to ALMOST finish painting a room), a mountain of debt, laundry that can't get put away - accumulates in piles throughout the house, dishes that pile up, she can't clean up after herself, we can't drive together to kids games because she can't be ready on time, she naps excessively and ignores the kids.
I have thought about leaving a handful of times. We have had these conversations. The only reason I could come up with to stay, was because of the kids. The more I read, this is not a good reason to stay. So we are trying to make a last ditch attempt to make the marriage work. A new twist is that after wanting sex and not getting it for so long, I'm starting to feel less and less attracted to my wife. She has gained a lot of weight and isn't really working on taking it off. I am physically fit, generally eat pretty healthy and workout almost everyday. I don't feel that is holding up her end of any part of the marriage bargain.
not a guy, however
Submitted by Kansasry on
I'm not a man, yet I see some of these issues from my husband too. I don't thing ADHD is different for a man or a woman but an individual may have their own unique issues to struggle with.
And yes, once he was diagnosed I too felt like he had an excuse not to try and he acted that way too. And I too felt like it was me that had to change everything just to accommodate his ADHD. And he felt the same way, I have the ability to change, my mind is healthy while he is the one with ADHD.
I brought this up to our therapist and she wanted both of us to know, that won't work. The accommodating spouse will become resentful if change is not reciprocated. But, it is important for me to understand how his brain works. ADHD gives no person the right to treat their spouse or family disrespectfully.
My husband also gained wight, though I still think he is the most handsome man I've ever seen. From what I can tell, the weight gain is from depression. He has started drinking too. While he still makes no effort to change, I do think he understands I'm being made unhappy by him and he seems not to understand why. I don't think he wishes me to be unhappy. I just don't think he can wrap his head around what he see as him being perfect vs what I say I experience.I try and remember that with the little stuff. But when the big stuff happens, I do not let it slide. You have to pick your battles or that's all you will do.
What's most important to you? What can you let go of and never bring up again?
For me, it was the intimacy. All forms from focused attention, undivided by TV and that darn phone of his! I demanded it. and I demanded the right to speak up whenever he is not meeting my expectations, no arguing. I also demand that his inappropriate relations with other women stop. We're still working on that one.
I let go of ever expecting him to help around the house, at all. I let go of expecting him to stop losing everything or misplacing it and needing me to drop everything to help him find what he swears is lost! I let go of expecting him to appreciate everything that I do and the things I give up to keep our family running. I've let go of his inability to every give me a compliment. But I do ask him to stop insulting me when he does it. That's another one we are working on...
If you want to keep trying and make it work give up the stuff you can live without. Make a list of everything you wish your spouse would do or stop doing. You will be amazed at how long that list can be, I was. That's when I put myself in my husbands head. If I had to hear that there are 80 things I do wrong, I'd give up to.
If they can't or won't agree to work on your #1 desire, then you really do need to think about the viability of the marriage.
Just a women's perspective.
Letting go...
Submitted by weightoftheworld on
Thanks for your response. I have heard "I'm not perfect!" before. I don't need perfection, I just need some effort. The difference in perspective is amazing. I totally understand what you're saying about letting go. I feel like I have let go of so much already. I've had to as part of a survival instinct, or coping mechanism. You know, like you get beaten down over time to where you just can't keep fighting it any more. My ideals and principles that I thought were supposed to be part of marriage are long gone. Things change, I get it, but I don't feel like I can continue to let go of things. I feel like I have had to draw that line in the sand.
When she does muster the energy to contribute, I feel like she thinks a parade should be thrown. A simple "Thank you" won't do, or she doesn't even hear me, I'm not sure which. And yes, the list...Oh the list. She hates my list. I have heard "Add it to your list" many many times. And you're right, I wouldn't like hearing all the stuff I do wrong. But I'm also the type of person who responds when I know someone is dissatisfied and would try to make them happy.
I want to be loved, appreciated, supported and touched.
I want to be loved, appreciated, supported and touched
Submitted by Kansasry on
I want all of that as well. And it sounds so simple and easy, right? I wish I knew why it seems so impossible for the ADHD spouse.
And I totally understand the mourning of the ideals we have about a good marriage, not even a perfect one, just good! It's a daily struggle to even reach good. I've wanted to throw in the towel several times and it's my husband that keeps coming back promising changes. Each time I was beyond sad but the weight was gone. I can't tell you what is right for you, stay and work and do more comprising that she will or leave and have relief from the daily contact but need to deal with an ADHD co-parent...either wa you have to have boundaries !
When you say your the type of person who can respond to dissatisfaction, well me too. But I'm not ADHD. My brain says, "Hey, I can try that!" It's no big deal even if it might sting my ego a bit, I'll get over it. One thing I know about my husband is, his ego can't accept or get over it. What stings my ego is like a fire to his.
I don't know about your wife but my husband says he is constantly running 10 different things in his head at all time. There is never any peace. And he's able to juggle loads of different things an change gears. He says its exhausting but it also makes him think he walks on water and he can't for the life of him understand why I disagree. In his mind he is perfection and I'm the one with the issue because I can't see it. We seriously do not live in the same reality. I don't know if it's like that for you? But it can make you feel crazy sometimes.
I'm at a point where I can let go of some things but I'm dogged about the top of my list items. Like eating an elephant, one bite at a time. If you feel like you ate as much as you can, only you know when you have had enough. If she's not partnering with you on solutions, the ball is in your court.
I bet that ....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I bet that either she's not taking her meds, or she is on the wrong meds.
Also, she should be in weekly therapy, and you both should be in couple's therapy. There should be a connection between the two therapists (maybe same office) so that they can talk. to each other.
Agreed...counselors need permission to discuss clients.
Submitted by Emily1997 on
Figure out where the no sexual interest is from. How are her female chemicals doing? Her thyroid? Does she like any touch at all, maybe start w/ that. Touch is hugely important. Just ideas,
Another man with adhd wife
Submitted by Looking4answers on
FIrst time poster, long time lurker. Wow! Are you sure we're not married to the same woman? I only wish that sex was 3 times a year. For me, it's more like once every 12 to 18 months. I'm the breadwinner as well and end up doing the overwhelming majority of the household chores while she sits and plays with her phone or reads a book. I love her, but I think I'm at about the breaking point. The kids are what keeps me from leaving as well, but I'm starting to wonder if our marriage dynamic will only hurt them in the long run.