Why is my ADHD husband so short tempered and angry?

AJ's picture

We've been married over a year. We really do love each other, I swear. But lately, I'm concerned about how he treats me. He is responsibly addressing his ADHD (I guess) by seeing a doctor. He takes concerta, prozac, and some other drug (recently) for road rage. (I can't believe there even IS such a drug!)

He is responsible, intellegent and functional. But he seems to lack some "emotional intellegence or compassion." Lately, he is sharp, sarcastic, short-tempered, and basically not pleasant to be around at all. The smallest thing sets him off and he often over-reacts to life's small frustrations. Oh, and he is ALWAYS right.

I'm a very strong woman, and his words do not affect how I feel about myself in general. But if I were not strongly grounded, I think I would be well on my way to a low self esteem -because of the way he speaks to me and treats me sometimes. He has explained that is a symptom of his "ADHD" but I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around this.

Sometimes it's embarrassing to be around other people. If friends were to witness our interaction at the wrong time, it would appear that he is a macho, cocky, know-it-all husband and I am the submissive, weaker, wife. (Which is NOT the case at all because I would never put myself in relationship like that...or at least that's what I've always thought.)

I'm almost to the point where I'll go out of my way to avoid him. But it's kind of hard since we live together. I'm not a nag. I give him plenty of space. If he were my boyfriend, I'd probably arrange a strategy to avoid him for several days so he could appreciate me more when we got together.

We have had conversations about this. He has explained that he is unaware of his tone and delivery and blames it on his ADHD. But I'm tired of bringing it to his attention.

I really care for him and love him. He frequently assures me that he loves me too. Despite his time-bomb shortness, there is much love and respect in our relationship.

It makes me sad to see him living with so much anger. I try very very hard not to take it personally and consider his illness. How much of this anger is related to personality? medication? ADHD?

Thanks

 

 

Forums: 

Hi AJ, When I read your blog

Hi AJ,

When I read your blog I couldn't believe how much your husband sounds like mine.  We have been married for 19 years.  I am also a very strong woman and have become very independent because of my husbands ADHD.  The thing is, lately I have considered leaving.  I am tired of coming home from work and wanting to relax in my own home and being greated by an angry tirant! 

It sounds like you love him alot; that will help you in the long haul. It is good that he has been diagnosed and getting treatment.  Mine has not been diagnosed and is very resistant to the thought that he may be ADHD. 

I guess the difference between us is that you are just beginning your marriage and both of you realise what the disability in your marriage is.  I have built up a lot of resentment, hurt and sadness over the past 19 years that has left me ready to throw in the towel.  I wish I could have started out like you...knowing what was going on.

The anger issues are wearing on me.  I am tired of fighting and I feel like being alone is a better choice if he won't take responsibility.

 

Sorry for the rant.  Keep positive and keep focused on the fact that it is his disability, not you.  You are a strong, supportive wife and he is VERY lucky to have you.

I experience the same things

I experience the same things you've both written.  Every weekend is filled with conflict and misunderstandings.  A small part of me wants to release my anger and continue to work on the marriage, the other part wants to just quit and end it.  I also feel as if I could finally relax if I lived without my husband.  I want a quiet, peaceful home and we don't have one.  Our daughter hates being the only child left at home, because she's under Dad's magnifying glass of criticism and because her parents argue a lot.  I started out today looking at the bright side and laughing about the frustrations in my life.  But after a few incidents of being cut off in mid-sentence, being ignored because he was distracted by something, and similar things, I feel so invisible and lonely that I just want to cry.  The stresses are taking a physical toll also and I am seriously questioning whether I can raise a teenage daughter AND deal with my ADD husband for the next 6 years.  I realize that a divorce would only complicate the parenting side of things, but I don't know how to renew my energy to continue working at this.

Is it really the ADHD?

I have been married a little short of 3 years and my husband is a mess. He was recently diagnosed with ADHD and is taking Vyvanse 70mg. He is out of control with his anger and always blames it on his ADHD. I have a hard time believing that is what causes his anger since I myself have ADHD and am not an anger/violent person. My biggest concern is our 17 month old son. I am afraid if I stay in this marriage our son will grow up and learn this behaviour my husband displays. The last think I want is for my son to grow up disrespecting women. I really feel like it's a catch 22. Am I a bad Mom to leave this marriage and split up his parents or am I being a good mom by leaving and taking my son out of an unhealthy enviroment? Someone please give me some answers. A little preview of what life is like in our house.... My husband will wake up usually in a bad mood. He will find anything to start a fight about. For instance.....it was 7am and was getting ready for work, the baby and I were sleeping in the bed when my husband started screaming about not having matching socks of the kind he wanted to wear....so he began to curse/scream and started to throw all of the dresser drawers on the floor. At this point he woke up our son which was now crying because he was frightened by his dads rampage. My husband is also no stranger to hitting. God, I feel so pathetic as I am writing this I know the answers and just scared to leave for some reason.

Could it be the meds?

Was your husband like this before being diagnosed and starting the medication?  Maybe it's the medication causing him to act like this.  My husband had been basically acting like a jerk a little over a year ago and, long story short,  we got to a point where we  thought it may be the meds he was on -- so he talked to his doctor and started working with different dosages and it has made a world of difference.  Just something to think about.  Good luck to you!  

Anger and ADHD

There is not one single diagnostic statement that suggests that anger is one of the symptoms of ADHD.  Not one.  He needs to go back to his doctor immediately and work this out.  Probably some therapy would help as part of that treatment.

In the meantime, if he is hitting you, you are not safe - nor is your child.  My advice would be to let him know that hitting is not acceptable, and to find a place for you and your child elsewhere until you are 100% confident that a.) he has gotten his anger under control and b.) he will not hit you in retribution when you return.

The behavior you describe is not normal behavior.  No healthy adult should be throwing what are essentially temper tantrums about mismatched socks!  Move half (no more, no less) of your money into a separate account under your name only (so he can't "force" you to return for financial reasons) NOW and MOVE OUT!  You are being abused.  Hopefully you have family somewhere who can help you get back on your feet.

Also, one of the first things I would do is try to understand why you were scared to move out.  Are you afraid that he will pursue you and cause you harm?  If so, take your gut instincts seriously and don't let down your guard for a while.  Finally, try to anticipate what the worst is that he can do to you (particularly financially).  Make sure that bills get paid adequately so that you don't lose your house (and its equity), and consult a lawyer about what your options are if things turn sour.  If you are going to take care of yourself and your son, please think in terms of "I am a competent woman who needs a plan" rather than "I am a victim of a poor man who needs help".  If he needs help, it's his responsibility to get it.  It's your responsibility to keep yourself and your child safe.

Accept help and support from others who care about you (parents, siblings, cousins, good friends) but remember that you must make your own smart decisions.

 

My ADHD husband also wakes up in bad moods.

My ADHD husband is very moody, particularly during the morning because he's annoyed that he has to get up to go to work. He'll lash out at the most minor things and he'll carry-on like that until he has to leave for work.  I am left-behind like collateral-damage after a war. I often just sit in shock after this happens.

I'm So Exhausted's picture

What will the morning bring

Overwhelmed Wife,

In hindsight, as long as my spouse was in charge of himself, he did what he wanted, at his own pace, and is quite content.  At least 80% of the time, he called his first customer to explain that he had gotten tied up and would be running late.  Didn't matter if it was an 8 am appointment or a 1 pm appointment.  There was also that percentage of appointments that he literally neglected.

It caused issues when he started hiring his nephews to work with him.  Of course, they never seemed to mind getting paid to watch TV for 1 or 2 or 3 hours while their uncle got his day pulled together.   After a while they would get fidgety since they got there at 7:30 am, and they literally could have slept in a few more hours.

As a solo act, my spouse's ADHD is his alone.  When it came to working out life schedules, marriage, one baby and then 18 months later, a second baby, church morning, parties, and date nights- it was a mess. For many years I just swallowed my frustrations, made excuses for his behavior, and never held him accountable.  Those were my errors of judgement.

I am working hard to discern if that is just the way it has to be - or if it is possible for him to take responsibility and acknowledge he needs some sort of training or help.   

He is working with a coach.  I have to take the posture that the coach knows what he is doing.  Sitting in my shoes, it just seems as my spouse is getting to be more and more of a bully.  I thought he was demanding and controlling before.  He did it in very passive aggressive manners.  Now he just out and out tells me this is his house and he has taken "back" his position as man of his own castle.  That old mantra of "It has to get worse, before it gets better" worked - - - for a while - - - - - after YEARS, yep years - - - -my own sense of self has worn thin in being open to making this all work.  It still seems that if I do all the bending, he is happy.  If he has to budge, it is misery for both of us.  

I am in my own little bubble, attending college, applying for jobs, and believing I am working my way out.  Time shall tell.  

 I am left-behind like collateral-damage after a war. I often just sit in shock after this happens.  I understand this completely.

 

Liz

 

thank you for your input

When I read your reply, I honestly thought that I was reading something from my sister in law!  lol   My H's brother is a lot like what you've described, but he doesn't hire nephews.  But everything else you wrote would apply to my sister-in-law and her ADHD husband (who is my H's brother). 

 

I mentioned in another post that my husband talks constantly.  When we're together all day long I go batty listening to his non-stop drivel.  Sometimes it's just silly jokes, but when those are interrupting my thoughts and plans, it gets annoying to ME.  He wants a full-time listener.  He doesn't want "give and take" conversation.

I'm So Exhausted's picture

Social cues are not received

My spouse has communication skills mixed up.  Like he will walk in the door at the end of the day and automatically say "How was your day?"  There is not follow-up for me to that.  I can start to respond, and he then starts talking right over me to tell me stuff.  So, he "gets" the steps, but does not apply them in a manner that is comfortable to me.

 He wants a full-time listener.  He doesn't want "give and take" conversation..  Yep, yep, yep, he talks and talks and talks - more like lecturing.  He likes to share what he knows, he just cannot get into a back and forth conversation. This works well for him in his business since he does repair and installation construction, and  he has different customers every day.  He has some repeat ones - but they only interact occasionally.  From my side of the fence, I hear him over and over explain why he running late.  An occasional customer has no clue this is his pattern.  

It has become really troublesome over the past 5+ years, as he has become very interested in politics - and shares an opposing opinion to almost everyone we know - so he has slowly pulled away from all those people because "they won't allow him to have a different opinion."  He thinks they gang up on him.  Hmm.  I see it just the opposite.  If they don't agree with him, he gets defensive and mad.  Very harsh. 

I have been searching for explanations to this behavior.  Can it be altered?  The place I sit in at the current time - it can only be addressed if he is willing to acknowledge.  His defensive nature just cannot handle that.  And that,  is not conducive to a happy married life.

 

Liz

 

Yes!

>>> He wants a full-time listener. He doesn't want "give and take" conversation.. Yep, yep, yep, he talks and talks and talks - more like lecturing. He likes to share what he knows, he just cannot get into a back and forth conversation. >>>

 

I think this must be a common ADHD trait....maybe even with some OCD and maybe some PD issues as well. My H can have a "give and take" convo if the subject isn't emotional to him. But, if it is emotional, and I'm not completely on the same page 100%, then he really just wants to do all of the talking, won't accept any other views, won't give any time for other views, only wants an audience, and really is lecturing much of the time.

He wants a full time listener

"I mentioned in another post that my husband talks constantly.  When we're together all day long I go batty listening to his non-stop drivel.  Sometimes it's just silly jokes, but when those are interrupting my thoughts and plans, it gets annoying to ME.  He wants a full-time listener.  He doesn't want "give and take" conversation."

     My ADHD husband has ALWAYS wanted a full-time listener and really dislikes the give and take in a conversation. But, at the same time, he's always gotten angry at our daughters and me (and others) if we have full blown conversations with laughter and fun, etc. He says he doesn't feel included in the conversations, and like he's not "part of the family". But, it's NOT US. We try to include him, but he wants to talk OVER us. He also doesn't know how to ask questions of other people to generate MORE conversation going from topic to topic with ease.  This is VERY DIFFICULT for him. But, yet he can do this with strangers. (hyperfocus?)

     So many times he's told me "Is this going to take very long? and ARE YOU GOING TO GET TO THE POINT? (angrily) So, I had to learn to talk to him in 30 second sound-bytes. Politics seems like the MAIN topic that most ADHD husbands ALLOW their wives to talk about. In the past it always made me feel insignificant and that my view points were "stupid" to him. I also felt diminished and "less" in his eyes because he wouldn't LISTEN to me, even for a little while. He ALWAYS tuned out, no matter what I was saying. I think that's why there's been so much MIS-communication. He's trying to be different now, but there's a LONG way to go.

   

too much talking

<<<< "I mentioned in another post that my husband talks constantly. When we're together all day long I go batty listening to his non-stop drivel. Sometimes it's just silly jokes, but when those are interrupting my thoughts and plans, it gets annoying to ME. He wants a full-time listener. He doesn't want "give and take" conversation." <<<<<

 

 

watching TV can be impossible. He'll start talking about something he sees on TV and won't shut up. I pause the DVR, then rewind, and then he talks again, and then I rewind again.....and again, and again. The only time he's quiet is if HE is hyper focused....on a chess game, listening on the radio, reading something on the internet, etc. It's REALLY annoying when he's "playing expert" and he'll drone on and on trying to "show off" but often he doesn't know what he's talking about.

 

 

>>>>> My ADHD husband has ALWAYS wanted a full-time listener and really dislikes the give and take in a conversation. But, at the same time, he's always gotten angry at our daughters and me (and others) if we have full blown conversations with laughter and fun, etc. He says he doesn't feel included in the conversations, and like he's not "part of the family". But, it's NOT US. We try to include him, but he wants to talk OVER us. He also doesn't know how to ask questions of other people to generate MORE conversation going from topic to topic with ease. This is VERY DIFFICULT for him. But, yet he can do this with strangers. (hyperfocus?)

>>>>

 

 

Exactly! H gets VERY UPSET and jealous when he hears the kids and I having a fun conversation or playing a game. H can't play games because he gets toooooooo upset if he loses....poor sport. And, he can't have a fun conversation because he's the only one he wants to hear talking. H's mom is somewhat the same way. She talks non-stop. But when I told her about my mother's terminal illness, there was no response. She had called on the phone to talk to my H, but H wasn't home. I thought that she might want to have a short chat with me, but I guess not. I guess she was in hyper-focus mode about what she wanted to talk to H about and couldn't listen to my short story about my mom. Recently, the kids, H and I were in the car. I started to tell a story. After about a minute, H told me that my story was "boring"...obviously he wanted me to shut up so HE could talk. The kids immediately said, "no, mom's story isn't boring. We want to hear the rest." It wasn't a boring story......not at all. H just wanted to do the talking. I've seen H do that before. After a friend tells a story, later H will say, "bob's story was boring." No, it wasn't.

I&#039;m So Exhausted's picture

Boundaries on discussions are the issue for me

Yes, my spouse like to talk.  The difficulty for me is to figure out how to help him understand that I do not like it when he  just starts chatting when I am watching TV.  Or reading a book.  Or working on my school work.  I just see a blank-wall-of-understanding when it comes to seeing or hearing or listening to social cues.  Yes, he may have been reading and researching something of interest for an hour or a day or a week or even a month.  I cannot figure out how to explain to him that when he just jumps right in a random conversation - in the middle of all his information - when I have no clue what so ever about what he talking about - it don't like it.    Especially when I was enjoying something else.  Or have no interest what-so-ever in his subject of interest.  I understand his excitement and joy in sharing - it feels like a lecture - no room for my input.  It feels like an intrusion.  

My spouse also feels left out when we are having fun playing a game - however he doesn't like to play.  We try to ask and include, he just refuses.  He played cards with me two times - when i was in labor with our children.  That was 1989 and 1991.  

I have gone the gamut of reactions - from yelling to ignoring to trying to come up with a cue to just losing my ever-lovin mind already.  

We have tried many unsuccessful suggestion to get him from yelling to us from the back door.  Fans, TV, heater blowers, dishwasher, etc., are all noises that muffle his voice.  I just finally started ignoring him.  He yells, and slams doors in response.  Out of ideas - and out of patience - and outa my mind. 

 

Liz

 //My ADHD husband has ALWAYS

 //My ADHD husband has ALWAYS wanted a full-time listener and really dislikes the give and take in a conversation...But, yet he can do this with strangers.//

My H is the same way but in addition to being able to have 2 sided conversations with strangers he can also have them with his friends and family. But, not me.

I always point this out and give him examples and he denies it. He become angered or annoyed (sighs, rolls his eyes, talks over, interrupts, changes the subject, walks out of the room...)  But when I brought it up in therapy, he admitted he did it but it was my fault because I don't get to the "headline" and he hates hearing my details and when he asks me something, it's not really to get my option or my feelings, he only wants yes or no's and only if he asks for more details will I be allowed to provide them. When I fired back asking why it's ok for everyone else to have real, detailed, 2-sided conversations but I'm not allowed, he knew he had just made an ass out of himself. So, he started to joke and avoided the question. When the therapist pressed him, he went into Mr. Charming mode...

Moody Husband ADHD and Cance meds!

It's like I am reading about MY life. My situation is complicated due to the fact that my ADHD husband also has cancer. He takes steroids as part of his treatment. Double Whammy!

We've been married less than a year. My husband behaved much better before we were married. Now he is moody, angry and easily provoked all the time!

He is self aware of his anger and "isms", as he calls them. But displays irrational anger and rants non the less. he blames his ADHD and steroids. He justifies and tries to rationalize his outbursts. Label them as he may, It's still bad behavior!!!

Recently it has come to the point where he distances himself from me. he won't talk to me. Telling me he is cranky. This makes me feel bad. I want to help him through whatever he is feeling. But I also know that his bad moods are NOT always caused by steroids and ADHD. The cancer has made him depressed. steroids are causing him to gain weight, yes. BUT  he also has HORRIBLE eating habits.

He's a mess! We're a mess! 

I don't know where to begin to fix us. 

I walk on eggshells all the time. Wondering if "today" will be a good day. 

 

Moody Husband

If you only have a short time invested in this relationship I honestly suggest getting out!  If you don't have kids as part of your bond and the man has family that can help him out, you need to keep your own sanity, physical and mental health intact.  This relationship will leave you devestated about your own life for years to come.  You don't need to be treated badly from this person.  He is going through a lot as well but his actions are his own same as my ADHD spouse and all the others.  We can only do so much................but the reality is that it is taking it's toll on the majority of us as our spouses do not seem to be the ones that can get a handle on their diagnosis.  I have tried doing the online workshop that we paid $300 for over a year ago.  I don't know if it depends on what other diagnosis these men have as they say they usually have some other form of mental illness or what.................but I wish I too had one that understood and cared enough to be my partner in working through the relationship issues that "his" diagnosis has brought into our lives.

matthewsjinky21's picture

Should I stop now before we actually start our married life?

I've been here in this site for about 3 days now. From then, I always cry while reading all the posts here. I can relate myself. I have an ADHD husband too. We got married September last year and in a long distance relationship. Before we get married he told me that he is from an abusive home. So I consider that I need to give him more attention and love because he is lacking of it. He found his new home with my family. After we got married he ask me if I know anything about ADHD. So i search on it. Then he told me that he has ADHD. I asked him if how he deals with it and he said he's fine. So I settle for his answer. I really dont pay attention on it coz I didn't know that this is a serious thing. Until starting this year he begin to change. He always get upset,mad,pissed off with small things that we talk about. I always try to fix everything before we end the day. Coz I believe thats how it should be as a couple. But arguments happen over and over again and getting worse. He always brought up things that we already discussed. Sometimes I just took a picture of our previous chats to tell him that we already discuss that thing and over with that topic coz I dont want to argue. I feel very exhausted everyday because of our arguments. Its starting to affect all my activities, at home,my school,my work,and my relationship with my son (i am a single mom). I don't know what to do now I feel emotionally stressed. I can't tell my family and friends about my situation now coz I dont want them to get upset on him. He used to be a nice,loving,caring person. Well he still, when he doesnt have tantrums. After reading all your posts here, I'm afraid to have kids with him build a family with him. Coz I dont want my kids to suffer like your kids does. They are very innocent to have these experiences. I really really love my husband and I want to keep my vows but I dont know how long I can take all his anger. :'( He will come see me for my school graduation this March and we will start to work for me and my son's visa to move with him. I don't know if I still want to move with him coz I dont know where this ADHD problem will lead our relationship. :'( I wish we all solve our problem and stay strong. God bless us all!

Reply to "Am I a bad Mom to leave this marriage?"

No, you're not a bad mom. I myself have gone through worse for the last several years. Our son is 6 and our problems started pretty much when I was pregnant. It's almost as if he was all of a sudden severely jealous .. and it continued as our son got older. Our son has a little bit of a delay; never been very verbal. In the last few years he has gotten violent because of my husband's issues with consistency, follow-through and respecting boundaries and rules. Our daughter is 4 and even she is getting extremely aggressive. In the last several months my husband has been using his new job stress as an excuse for mistreating us all and I have been in tears almost every day the last two weeks. In Nov he crossed a line with my son and now, I'm in the process of heading for a shelter. PLEASE don't wait. DON'T WAIT. There are no excuses for abuse .. NONE.

I am on the same boat

I just can imagine how much you have been holding your emotion and try to normalize each day without any conflict.  I have been married with my husband for 18 years and are separate with each other now.  The main reason is that my daughter is also diagnosed with ADHD, and plus has ODD issue, and she is a teenager.  So my husband and my daughter start to fight each other severely to the point that he beat her physically.  Now i live with my son and daughter alone without him.  I know people easily say that you should divorce or separate, but the marriage is not that easy to drop and move on, you and your husband had or have happy moments too, and you also have strong emotions and feelings towards him.  The only thing I can say this, it was not healthy environment for my kids to normalize the day when my husband expressed his anger around us, we try to bury our head in the sand, and try to move on with condition we have.  But my kids are already grew up in angry environment, which was not ok.  I told my husband that hate does not create anything but bitter life, so lets have love in this home, but he put his emotions first and it seems like he had to make everybody validate his emotions before anything.   I would not say, "just divorce him and move on", if you still want to be with him, nothing to lose,  please tell him how much you need to have therapy session with him( dont say he needs therapy alone, because he will take that he has problem, and everybody criticize me), he has to know how much you exhausted by negative environment.  

 

This is my life...anger,

This is my life...anger, verbal/emotional abuse, misunderstandings, conflict...I don't get it.  The doctor put him on a "need" to take basis on Dexatrim.  How could he give someone who can't control his behavior, emotions and attitude the authority over when to take his medication. All I do is walk on eggshells and before I was scared to say anything that voiced an opinion that would challenge my husband...now I'm scared to say anything at all...even good things.  I'm broken down and depressed.  He's been so mean and hurtful...blames me for everything.  I love him with all my heart and want to be with him forever.  Is there any hope?  I'm loving, supportive and selfless and I'm made out to be a c*nt, b*tch, wh*re and bad housewife.  I swear I do everything in my power...I speak in a calm nice tone, I'm gentile...why does he misread me?  I tried to give him distance and its still not enough.  I just want him to see I'm his biggest fan and believe in him.  I say it but the words are forgotten, the good times are forgotten...he is lost within himself, so selfish a lot of times and cruel.  He lacks emotional intelligence...so cold...I wish he at least was raised by a loving and support family...maybe that would have taught him how to love and accept love.  Any advice out there on what I can do? I used to be a happy, outgoing person and now I'm withdrawn and sad. 

Nettie's picture

Hope and Hard Work

It sounds like you still do have hope, or you wouldn't be bothered to reach out. Good for you...hang on to it fiercely.

The first hope/faith I want you to have is in yourself. It's cliche, but perfectly fitting to remind you that you've GOT to put on your oxygen mask first, i.e., take care of yourself so you can help others. I understand that it's terribly difficult to abandon someone you love, so I'm not going to suggest that. You build up your strength so you can hold on to what's important to you. You can still support someone from a safe distance if that's what's required to take care of yourself and loved ones, and you can be flexible about arrangements as you reassess areas of change.

The first step I recommend in this area is to READ everything you can get your eyeballs on, choose what you think may work for your situation, and then strategize small steps towards progress. You've got to keep trying little things, learn from them, adjust them, and keep your momentum going.

Secondly, if you don't have one, form a support circle and go to it often. Part of this support system should probably include a doctor. My husband's doctor has allowed me to attend some of his sessions; perhaps yours would. My husband was very much helped by a simple sleep study, which helped with the diagnosis of a mild sleep disorder that has been helped with a sleep aid. One thing that has also helped both of us is nutritional supplements. I was pleased to discover an unexpected benefit from these supplements (just vitamins, minerals and essential fats) is a calmer, more consistent mood.

The other thing that is much more difficult and very hard earned is communication success. My husband and I (we both have adhd) have learned to slow down and examine our heightened emotions while talking to each other and most importantly to determine if our "passion" is based on accurate data. When first married (now four years), I was confused that my husband sometimes made such extreme statements while he is a scientist! He would say it's because he's logical and I'm not (arggh!), but I'm the one who did the tedious work to find and encourage solutions, so there! ;)

I'm guessing you each have unique strengths you can combine to solve the dilemmas you are facing, just like we do. Best wishes, and keep reaching out and working hard...you can do it. ~N

H won't let me attend any of his doctor appts or therapy meeting

My H won't let me go to any of his doctor appts because he doesn't want me telling her that he's an alcoholic or that he misuses his Rx's (taking too many, then running out). His doctor also has no idea that he also goes to another doctor to get meds that shouldn't be taken with these other meds. He won't let me meet his therapist because a couple of years ago I met his former therapist and afterwards, his therapist was angry because H had mislead him so much.

So Confused- I'm in a Tailspin

My husband has ADHD and these posts are like reading my own.  We've been married for 11 years and he has an awful temper.  He also feels that he needs to "Parent" me and his best friend. 

I've talked to a counselor and he said to leave - it's abuse.  I've been called everything under the sun and I am at my wits end.  I swear, when we fight, I would cry and now?  Nothing.  I just feel empty and lost. 

Part of me wants to move out and part of me knows that he is in debt up to his eyeballs and can't live on what he makes.  We own a home and we can't really sell because the real estate market is so bad.  I've considered moving upstairs...I just don't know.

What do I do?  He wants to work it out, after 11 years of the same crap I don't think he can change.  Oh, he is also taking meds and seeing a counselor for 3 years.  I have doubts about this counselor he's seeing.

Any pearls of wisdom for me?

I'm with the professional.

I'm with the professional. And I've been upstairs for two months now. If I could support my self, I would be gone. Maybe not, I adore my son who has just turned 18 and is still at home. Mr. Personality is at a party right now. He is not the man I live with. He'll complain all the way until he gets to the party, then have a blast. It just boggles my mind!

At home he'll pick on me for nothing. Once, he even called me at work to harass me about using the antenna on my phone. It really made him mad that I didn't! Or my ears. After we got married, he decided my ears bothered him. I could no longer put my hair back without him gripin, "ears! ears!". Then there is the stuff on the counters or touching the walls... Sheesh! Just chronic, petty, stupid stuff. Thank God the medication helped take the edge off! I've had to just accept that he will never have the capacity to meet my needs and I will never have a true sense of intimacy with him.

Here's one pearl from me, taking the room upstairs is nice, I wish I thought of it sooner! 

I tried taking another bedroom, but H will stand outside and.

....complain or whine or yell...and sometimes force his way in. Sometimes I just leave and either sleep in the car or at a friend's home. I think it's either the ADHD impulsive or the OCD that keeps him from stopping himself. He just can't shut up sometimes. Seriously, a few times when he's been raging, I'll sneak out of the house when he doesn't realize it and he'll still rage for hours. A couple of times, I placed pillows in my bed to look like I was sleeping there, and he stood over the pillows (thinking it was me) yelling for a LONG time before he pulled the covers and realized I wasn't there. Tonight I'm at a friend's home because H says that he can't stand to be around me....lol....yet he has called at least 10 times. I haven't answered any of the calls.

Hilarious!...

Not to make light of your pain, but this gave me a chuckle because on several occasions mine would have an epic rant on the phone, and when I couldn't talk him down the ledge, I would simply hang up...

He'd call maybe half an hour later and say, what the hell, you hung up on me?...

It only too you thirty minutes to realize I checked out of the conversation a long while ago? LMAO

If he's seeing a therapist that hasn't spent any time with you..

....then likely the T has been told a lot of mistruths. When my H's former T asked me to come to a few sessions (likely to verify the things H had said), I went to about 4-5 sessions. At the end, the T told my H that I was nothing like H had described and that H's temper was a lot of the problem. when I would try to talk in the T sessions, H would yell, interrupt, shout me down, etc. He'd even call me names. I was calm, but cried a few times, but didn't yell or call names. The T quickly learned that H had some serious issues. But, once this happened, H refused to go back to that T.....and since then, H has refused to let me meet his new T.....he tells his new T that I would "lie" to him if I met with him.

Your life is EXACTLY like mine ... Sad & Miserable :(

When I read your blog, I teared up.  I could have easily written these EXACT same words.  I am interested to see how you are doing now (nearly 2.5 years later) and I hope you get this message.  I am lost and in a world of pure ANGER.  My husband has been on 70mg of Vyvanse for a few years now and I am starting to think it is losing its effectiveness.  I am lucky if I get even an hour of my "nice" husband and then it's just GUILT, BLAME, ANGER, RUDE COMMENTS, TEARS.... I am at a breaking point.  I am described as a generous, friendly person by everyone except my husband.  He won't even talk about his ADHD and just wants to put all the blame on my shoulders.  He is a master at making me look bad, like it's all my fault that he is miserable (even though I hear him throwing things around the kitchen and garage when I am trying to sleep!!)  We have a wonderful son who is almost 8 years old who was diagnosed with ADHD/Asperger's about 2 years ago.  He is not angry, but sometimes I can catch glimpses of my husband's anger and rude comments mirrored in our son - and it's scary!  Lately, I have been fantasizing about leaving him and just cutting my losses.  It is such a scary thought (I have no money, no job, and 3 pets that I cannot abandon) and it makes me cry almost daily just thinking about it.  I approached my husband with the idea of getting help and he just yelled at me accusing me of putting all the blame on HIM even though I clearly said in the wise words of Melissa Orlov, "I am blaming the ADHD, not you!"  No response.  It's like he won't even consider it.  Please let me know how you are doing now.  Did you leave your husband?  Did things improve?  I am anxious to hear from someone in my same situation.

summerwine's picture

He needs his meds tweaked if

He needs his meds tweaked if he gets so nasty when they wear off. Does he realize that his changes when his meds wear off? 

My husband often misreads me.

We will be going along and I'll think that things are fine, but later he'll tell me that I was rude or uncaring to him "all day".   ???  What?   Things were going along fine.  He'll begin ranting and raving and I'm sitting there in shock.  

I just turned 50 and have

I just turned 50 and have been divorced for 4 years now, what you have just explained was a photo snap shot of my life.

Anger

Hi AJ, we sound as if we are living parallel lives. We have been married for 18yrs. I feel in the end over the years it is inevitable to become a little bit resentful - that is where I am at.  I am trying to figure out if I really want to stay around, it is beginning to wear on my own emotions at this point which is not good for my own well being.

Anyway it is nice to know I am not the only one out there dealing with this kind of relationship.

Short Tempered and Angry Hubby

Short and sweet - your husband is using his ADHD as an excuse unless he is doing ALL that he can to get past the anger issues that he has.  Sounds as if the meds he is on are not working as well as they could, or if the meds are actually optimal, he needs to do something else.  One very effective mood regulator is exercise.  He might try very regular aerobic exercise to see if that helps.  Another good mood regulator can be meditation.  He may not be a meditation type of guy, but he might look at it another way - either he gets his anger under control or your relationship is going to be badly affected.  Going part way doesn't cut it in this case...you are already trying to get out of his way...and that means that this ought to continued to be addressed until you get to a balance that BOTH of you can live with.

Also, excellent treatment includes therapy with a goal towards behavior modification.  In this case, controlling his anger and/or impulsiveness sounds as if it's an important first thing to modify.  (Note here - my hubby used to have spurts of anger, which may be different from what you're experiencing.  He found that using Wellbutrin as his ADHD med also addrressed his anger at the same time.  He also has worked hard to develop specific habits that pull us together, rather than force us apart.)

I'm curious about your statement that he has been particularly short tempered lately.  Does this change coincide with a new treatment regimen or specfic event?  Never assume that the meds are doing what you think they ought to do with ADHD and emotional stuff.  Some have some pretty weird side effects.  Experimentation is often needed to get to the right combo for any individual.  In the experimental stages, it might be helpful if you are his partner in observing the side effects.  For example, with his okay, keep notes on what time of day he is particuarly cranky, the situations in which he gets angry, etc.  Not only do the meds sometimes have side effects, but also having the meds wear off can have side effects, too (which is what shows up at certain times of day).

People with ADD can over-react to things - they can be easily stimulated...or...sometimes people with ADD like the intense simulation of fighting and look for fights to get into in order to be stimulated...or...sometimes people with ADD express their anger more readily than others because they have poor impulse control.  Or, there might be something else going on.  Make sure your hubby is with a person who is a real ADD specialist, not just a generalist, so that he has the highest chance of getting to the bottom of perhaps intertwined things that are going on with him.

Anger can also be a reflex that has to do with shame, which is something that people with ADD often struggle with.  See "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking ABout It" for more on this topic.

Sometimes it's hard to pull apart the "tangle" of symptoms and figure out exactly how to treat them.  But keep trying, because it's important to you, as well as him, and ultimately will make a huge difference in your relationship.  You don't want to be questionning him AND you (which is already starting to happen).

Melissa

 

Short Temper and Anger Symptoms

Melissa, I'm new to this site and this has probably been gone over in the past, but isn't it accepted that there are variations of AHDH, one of them being Combined Type? And doesn't Combined Type cover the moodiness and anger symptoms? My son was evaluated at age 6 and diagnosed with ADHD Combined Type. Both my husband and myself are quite educated as to ADHD (my husband was diagnosed as a child), and we felt we were pro-active in knowing the possibility of our son having ADHD. But our son was such an oppositional, defiant, moody, angry toddler (and that's only the beginning of it!) that we started preparing ourselves for diagnoses of oppositional/defiant or a type of bi-polar. It was serious. Anyway, he started off with Ritalin which was OK but the wearing-off time was such a fierce crash. He is now taking Concerta and it has been like a miracle. It is addressing not only the restlessness and impulsiveness, but the moodiness, anger, etc., as well. It's not a cure all -- we work with him consistently on these issues and he has come so far!!  

But the point is, couldn't an adult be diagnosed with Combined Type? Do you think getting the correct sub-type diagnosed is important as far as meds?

Also, is it possible to have this kind of ADHD becomec exacerbated by Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome? Have you ever heard of or dealt with such a case? (PTSD includes outbusts of anger, rage, crabby mood, over reacting.)

Types of ADD

I would like to answer this accurately, but am not a doctor.  There are three subtypes of ADHD (they are all officially called ADHD now, though that confuses people who have the distracted subtype as there is no "H' to it!)  I don't know if one type exclusively is responsible for defiance and anger.  I rather doubt it, as my husband has the distracted variety and suffered from both anger spurts and lots of opposition (to me...haha!)  Anyway, meds have helped him a lot, too.

Will explore the PTSD question and see if I can put it in a Hallowell Connections newsletter in the future.  (for past issues,including one with an article about PTSD, go to www.drhallowell.com and click on the archives on the bottom of the home page).

What Might Be Causing The Anger....

Hello all, (ADD husband, married 14 years, together almost 20)

I almost lost everything at the begriming of this year. My wife was finally giving up and needed to move on. She said if she didn't see certain gains in our everday life and between usin the coming weeks, i needed to pack my bags and leave. And I actually ended up leaving for about 3 weeks.

I AM the ADD husband with anger issues and am using counseling to help me find a way to move forward in a positive way. A lot of what the wives her have been saying relates to my wife and myself except for the hitting. I would never, ever, hit my wife. I do have the throwing things issues and have times where I hit a wall. My actions like this have been over the "everyday set backs" that I handle so poorly. So point being, I am a lot like the husbands you have been describing.

So, through help and a lot of thought about my anger issues. The every day anger or loss of temper started when I was first getting over loaded with the normal piling on of life along with the loss of being able to do it at my pace. Bigger houses, then dog, and finally my daughter was born along with my wife moving us forward in financial stability through real estate and moving. I can handle most of life when it comes one thing at a time. When it comes in bunches I feel over whelmed, rushed, and that my wife is in many cases the reason I cannot do my tasks like I want to. (Please note that it is just what I feel and probably not reality.)

Things that I am beginning to learn that help me over come the anger are ANYTHING that keeps the over whelmed or out of control feelings away from me. The single most helpful and hardest for me to do is to just talk about my feelings with my wife because I have never done this with anyone.

Second, I have found out that writing things down in list form works best for me from everyday stuff to prioritizing the ever changing honey do list. Some may wish to use their electronic device, but the pocket calendar does me a world of good. I have to look at it everyday and a few times a day.

My relationship with my wife after 7 months of counseling has just started taking steps forward. Not even steps, just a lean forward. But, that is the some fuel to help us both move forward as husband and wife. She still gets fed up with my behavior sometimes, but I do recognize what I am doing more often. If I can't stop it, I at least know that I need to talk to her and let her know what was going through my head at that time. It helps us both understand more.

I have to keep this from being a book. There is hope for your marriage if both parties want to learn together and move forward.

I am a work in progress.

It's like reading my own words...

I just read this post and a handful of the comments...and wow.  I feel like I am reading my own thoughts, feelings and emotions.  My husband is not a bad man.  But he is short-tempered, easily frustrated, somewhat paranoid, and always has to be right. My husband is undiagnosed, but he definitely has ADHD.  He has an appointment to see a doctor next week.  I'm praying that something is done.  I'm just terrified that he isn't really committed to getting help because I think that deep down he believes that he doesn't have a problem.  I do feel like I'm in a catch-22.  I've thought about leaving, but I don't want our 5-year old son to have to live with divorced parents.  Not to mention the fact that I'm pregnant with our 2nd child...

He is a great dad, but he does take pains to avoid our son when he's in a bad mood - for that I am grateful.  I just wish he didn't have to do that...

Most of the time he blames his moodiness and temper on external factors, but I often think it's more internal than external - he just doesn't want to admit that there is something wrong with him.  He is finally willing to take steps to try to get some medication or help - for which I am grateful.  I just worry that it might not be enough...

AJ's picture

Update

Wow. I forgot about this post I made back in 2008. So, here is an update on my ADHD Marriage. 

Things are great! Since 2008, there have been ups and downs. Honestly, it got a little worse before it got better. It reached an all-time low when occasional name calling entered the picture. If he were a boyfriend, I would have left and not turned back after our first name calling fight. But... after having 2 kids, neither of us were about to leave each other so, we saw a therapist. 

During the first visit, the therapist recommended this book. Ironically, I had already read it and brought it to our first session -along with a couple of other books about being in a verbally abusive relationship. Lol. I was prepared for battle. Poor hubby. The first visit was all about his ADHD and he felt a little picked on. But it turned out, he needed to adjust his meds before we continue. He did.

My husband was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. He grew up with people calling him "smart but lazy" and adults were always nagging him about procrastinating and paying attention. He was that kid that did homework in homeroom the morning it was due and got an A -that is as long as the subject interested him. 

I'm very lucky to have an ADHD spouse that takes full responsibility for his physical and mental health. To make a long story short, we are doing really well and have learned a lot by reading the book (okay I read it and he is STILL on chapter 4. They need to make this an audio book for the ADHD peeps out there! lol) AND employing the exercises that the therapist told us to do. At first it feels goofy. We laugh about being that couple in the movie "This is 40" or Pam and Jim from "The Office". But it works!

(Almost) every night we do the "I appreciates" and "Validation" exercises. We have two toddlers, 2 and 3 and we both work full-time so you can imagine that combined with the ADHD, communication is something that needs work. Well, setting aside 15 minutes to do the "I appreciates" and "talk and listen" goes a LONG WAY and its actually kind of nice (as structured and awkward as it seems at first). I was kind of giddy the first time we did it. 

Not going to make this a long post because I have stuff to do. lol but I wanted to seriously recommend this book. I forgot I even posted on here years ago and was not even aware that it was connected to the book I just read this past year. Ha! Imagine that. I also suggest a few rounds of therapy. We still go every two weeks. We still need to learn how to deal with conflict and how agree that I am always right. (Just kidding!)

As for my previously angry husband, with the med adjustments, regular tennis workouts and taking the time to learn about his ADHD, stress triggers and how to communicate as a couple in general, we are both much, much happier! Oh, and also one very important thing the book mentioned and I agree with whole-heartedly. NOTHING IS WRONG WITH HAVING ADHD. It is simply a way of being. I never make my husband feel like he has some mental defect -something I learned that he was ashamed of. In fact, there are some distinct advantages. I see the positive side to his ADHD everyday. The important thing is to learn about the differences, how to deal with them and how to love, validate and respect each other in general. 

It sounds like your husband is a decent guy. I hope he is open-minded and willing to engage in getting ADHD treatment and therapy with you. I never suspected that there was a link to the outbursts and anger but there is indeed an emotional side to ADHD. You can't blame EVERYTHING on ADHD but I have learned in my marriage that our problems were very much connected to it.

Shout out to Melissa Orlov for writing this book. I do not know her and I'm not being paid to endorse it, but I'm sure glad she wrote it. 

 

Thanks, AJ

Thanks for the update, AJ - it's great to have you come back and share your story a bit down the road!  People at the site need to hear from folks who have been able to find a much better relationship as an offset to the pain that people share here.  So glad you are making it work!  I regularly see couples turn their relationships around but of course it is so much better to hear it from the couples themselves.

There is an audiobook for The ADHD Effect, BTW - you can get it at this site from the home page.

Your relationship will have ups and downs, as I'm sure you know.  But remember that by keeping you eye on it, and nurturing it, you should be able to bring it back to the good place again even if you get "out of whack" along the way.  Even my husband and I have had to "take stock and readjust" every once in a while.  And THANK YOU (from me, and probably your husband) for not thinking that ADHD is "bad."  That's a tremendously important part of your stability. 

Best of luck to you!

 

I'm surrounded!

Married 14 years - Husband and son with ADHD (and sister, brother, father, step-son etc....)

I just found this site and have never submitted anything like this before - but the words, "I'm done" just came out of my mouth and I'm sitting here wondering how I got to this awful place.  I've kidded for years that I'm surrounded by ADD/ADHD and that my role in life was to keep everyone organized.  My son was diagnosed with ADHD at 3 years old (off the chart ADHD!) and I decided that knowledge was POWER!  I've read everything on the topic and treatments for boys with this affliction and feel completely empowered to make smart decisions for my son.  I'm so proud of his progress (he's now 12 and coming home from ADHD camp in 2 days).  He's an awesome kid.  While gaining all this knowledge it came out that my sister also had ADD, which was so obvious but undiagnosed for her until she was an adult.  Then I was reminded that my brother was also a "Ritalin" kid but again this was way early before it was a common diagnosis.  Then we realized that our older son (step-son) was ADD but never diagnosed until 17.  Finally (duh), I realized (and his mom confirmed) that my husband had been diagnosed with ADHD.  Now, this is where it all gets tricky.  He has ADHD, but since he cannot ever be wrong, responsible or accountable, he will only acknowledge it in very rare situations and usually when talking about our son.  I'm not "allowed to use this against" him and if I bring it up he immediately turns defensive and very, very angry.

He is a wonderful man, caring, intelligent, hard working and a great Dad - 75% of the time.  The rest....snarky, angry, moody, mean and so argumenetive that it feels like all I listen to is this petty arguing (especially when my son is home, then it's the two of them going at it all the time!).  Being surrounded is hard but not impossible.  The part that is sending me out the door is his harsh anger that is explosive and without cause.  He says terrible things to me about myself, our son, our life and uses those fun statements of "everyone says", "you always" etc.  Even compares me to his "ex wife" just to be mean (only those of you with an ex-wife in your life will appreciate that one!).  The outburst is bad enough, but the part I cannot get my head around is his insistence that "I deserved it and he has nothing to apologize for".   I could tolerate almost anything (and have) when someone can be sincerely sorry for their actions but, he absolutely refuses to be sorry or remorseful for anything he does no matter how bad because it's my fault that we was so angry.  To my face he says this. And I absolutely know he doesn't remember what he said but cannot admit it!!!  I feel crushed and to blame for everything....

I'm fortunate, unlike many of the people I see on this forum, I'm a professional, well paid and have enough money to leave.  My problem is my son....I've already helped raise my husbands two older children (by his first marriage) and know the awful affects of two household child rearing when ADD/ADHD is involved.  I stay because I know what a divorce would do to my son, our stability is what has helped make his progress so strong.  Everything I read tells me that our split would be his undoing....and I'm okay with making a sacrifice to stay for his sake (because I really do love the man) but am starting to wonder what my staying will ultimately teach my son.   

I love my husband - and I truly know he loves me (when he's not in a rage and hates me).  I'm okay with his disorganization and time management issues - I've learned all the tricks...we have a great life, 75% of the time.  However, the 25% is horrible and it clouds everything good.  What do you do when your ADHD husband refuses treatment and is never wrong or responsible???  We did therapy for a long time to help us with our son but he now refuses because he felt ganged up on (ie.anger issues he needed to address).  I can live with all the ADHD behaviors - I get it..., but it's so hard being unappreciated for it and then to be piled on at the same time.  I'm not a doormat and never imagined myself in this place.

How do I get unstuck?

Sounds like your husband

Sounds like your husband doesn't have very good impulse control that 25% of the time, and this is making those times very challenging for you.  I wonder what your reaction is during those times.  The best thing you can do is to dis-engage saying something like "I really cannot be around you when you behave this way.  I'm happy to talk to you when you calm down."  And then when things are calmer, go back and discuss what the things are that are triggering him, and if the triggers can be avoided.

It sounds like since he is refusing treatment, he is not on any medication that might help with his impulse control. If he does not want to take responsibility for his ADHD, will he admit to any kind of mood challenges, such as anxiety or depression?  If so, Wellbutrin can be a great substitute medication that can support both ADHD symptoms and anger issues.  If none of these works, does he get regular exercise, which can also support mood disturbances?  Maybe there is something you can do together that would be a fun activity that will get you both going on a physical level to move some of the energy around.

The most important thing is for you to take care of yourself, and to stay out of the line of fire when his temper flares, and to remember that you are not the cause of his upset. When it comes to making a decision about whether to stay or go, it's important to keep in mind what kind of an example your husband is setting for your son, and how he sees you are responding to your husband's anger outbursts.  It will teach your son a lot about how to treat women in the future, bur it sounds like you already know this.

I certainly can appreciate that you have your hands full, and feel surrounded by ADHD.  You may want to consider getting counseling for yourself to keep your own self-esteem high, and to get some of the support it sounds like you badly need from a source outside your household.

I wish you the best.

Dealing with the anger spurts is the toughest part

I have been reading through this thread and am amazed at how much I have been seeing of my relationship. My husband is a great guy when he is not consumed by the ADHD. He is diagnosed and recently on meds. Even with the meds though he still has bouts of anger and frustration. He gets so mad at me over little things that are always my fault. He tells me that I keep frustrating him. It makes me feel as though I can't do anything right. We have a 6 month old girl and he is a great father. He leaves the room if he gets frustrated when she is there. This website is such a help to know that I am not alone and I have a place to talk. I am thinking of looking into therapy for us to help him. He said he is willing to try it. 

Glad to Know I am Not Alone

I found this site tonight when googling "husband anger" while I am sitting in the Walgreens parking lot in my car crying at 12:30am.  I have been married for 15 years and we have 5 kids (12, 13, 15, 18, 20).  My husband has ADHD and sees a doctor for meds.  I also have 3 kids with ADHD.  He had ADHD as a child and after his anger and boredom just kept getting worse and worse I gave him an ultimatum to see a doctor or leave.  He also quit drinking over a year ago and at first I thought that and the MEDS would help.  However it has not and continues to get worse.  The last three years since he lost his job he had for 15 years have been horrible.  His anger gets a hold of him and lasts for days at a a time.  Right now we are on the 6th day.  I can sense when these week long rages are coming and try to steer clear, however it doesn't matter.  He will find something to go off about.  He is not physically violent but he is so cold and angry during these episodes.  He has no patience, calls names, slams doors, nit picks every little thing.  It is horrible and I feel like a horrible mother for the way he treats our children...calling names and yelling when he is like this.  It is like he wants everyone else to feel as miserable as he feels.  I think he is depressed as well or a manic depression.  His father is also an angry negative person and I am afraid our sons will be the same way.  We got married and had kids young and we have always had our fights but he used to feel bad after a couple hours and apologize.  Now it is to the point where he threatens to leave and I tell him to go.  Half of me wants him to go and the other half wants him to stay.  He is in school and has a good future lined up.  We recently bought a nice house, and he has some nice toys.  He also had three surgerykeep telling myself if we can just get through the surgeries (he had three minor surgeries last year) and he can get a job then things will get better , if we get out of a too small rental home and get a new home it will get better, now it is once he gets through the last 2 terms at school and gets a good job (instead of a part Te crappy job it will get better.  But I am so hurt and resentful I am not sure I can get through this.   Most of those things have happened and he is still not better. He has bece lazybones I have to fight with him some days to go to work, but then he can't stand sitting around.  I work a lot of hours and have been throwing myself into work to avoid being home early, however when I do get home I want to relax.  He can't stand sitting home all time, yet when I tell h to go do something he says there is nothing to do.  He said he is done and is leaving on the morning after he called me and Fing B$*+* , but I have heard that before.  It is to the point where some of my kids want him to leave.  I have never been alone and am scared to death.  I have a good job and can support me and my kids so that is not an issue.  I am scared and hurt to give up the whole future we had planned.  I am a strong woman and he has forced me to be independent over the last couple of years...especially after he accused me of having an affair with my happily married boss.  From that point on I have had to edit everything I say and not talk to him about work or much at all because he may take something the wrong way.  He read my phone texts and saw one that was completely innocent and took it the wrong way.  He never used to be the jealous type, never and it hurt me a lot when that happened.  I have been faithful for the 15 years of marriage and the 4 years before that.  I feel so lonely and hurt and I really don't know what to do. 

You are not alone

>>>>> I found this site tonight when googling "husband anger" while I am sitting in the Walgreens parking lot in my car crying at 12:30am.

>>>>

 

I have done that several times.  I can't tell you how many times I have spent the entire night in a parking lot to escape my H's non-stop rages.   I can't tell people about them, they'd think I was crazy not to divorce him.  Our kids know this sometimes happen.  They've seen when sometimes I've actually hidden inside the house so that he'll think I'm gone.   - 

 

>>>>> 

I have been married for 15 years and we have 5 kids (12, 13, 15, 18, 20). My husband has ADHD and sees a doctor for meds. I also have 3 kids with ADHD.

<<<

 

Does he help you with the kids and home chores?  

 

>>>> 

He had ADHD as a child

>>>

 

So, did my H.  He was on Ritalin and phenobarbital , but I don't know why he was on that second med.    H never seemed to have asked his parents why he was seeing a psychiatrist as a child....and they didn't seem to want to tell him.  

 

>>>>

and after his anger and boredom just kept getting worse and worse I gave him an ultimatum to see a doctor or leave. He also quit drinking over a year ago and at first I thought that and the MEDS would help. However it has not and continues to get worse.

<<<<

 

Are you certain that he has stopped drinking?  HOw was he able to stop when he did?  Does he see a therapist?

 

>>>>

The last three years since he lost his job he had for 15 years have been horrible.

<<<

 

I can imagine.  If he hasn't worked in three years and with a large family to support, His self-esteem must be quite low.  

 

Why did he lose his job?  

>>>>>>>

His anger gets a hold of him and lasts for days at a a time. Right now we are on the 6th day. I can sense when these week long rages are coming and try to steer clear, however it doesn't matter. He will find something to go off about.

 

>>>>

 

 

He is not physically violent but he is so cold and angry during these episodes. He has no patience, calls names, slams doors, nit picks every little thing. It is horrible and I feel like a horrible mother for the way he treats our children...calling names and yelling when he is like this. It is like he wants everyone else to feel as miserable as he feels. I think he is depressed as well or a manic depression. His father is also an angry negative person and I am afraid our sons will be the same way. We got married and had kids young and we have always had our fights but he used to feel bad after a couple hours and apologize. Now it is to the point where he threatens to leave and I tell him to go. Half of me wants him to go and the other half wants him to stay. He is in school and has a good future lined up. We recently bought a nice house, and he has some nice toys. He also had three surgerykeep telling myself if we can just get through the surgeries (he had three minor surgeries last year) and he can get a job then things will get better , if we get out of a too small rental home and get a new home it will get better, now it is once he gets through the last 2 terms at school and gets a good job (instead of a part Te crappy job it will get better. But I am so hurt and resentful I am not sure I can get through this. Most of those things have happened and he is still not better. He has bece lazybones I have to fight with him some days to go to work, but then he can't stand sitting around. I work a lot of hours and have been throwing myself into work to avoid being home early, however when I do get home I want to relax. He can't stand sitting home all time, yet when I tell h to go do something he says there is nothing to do. He said he is done and is leaving on the morning after he called me and Fing B$*+* , but I have heard that before. It is to the point where some of my kids want him to leave. I have never been alone and am scared to death. I have a good job and can support me and my kids so that is not an issue. I am scared and hurt to give up the whole future we had planned. I am a strong woman and he has forced me to be independent over the last couple of years...especially after he accused me of having an affair with my happily married boss. From that point on I have had to edit everything I say and not talk to him about work or much at all because he may take something the wrong way. He read my phone texts and saw one that was completely innocent and took it the wrong way. He never used to be the jealous type, never and it hurt me a lot when that happened. I have been faithful for the 15 years of marriage and the 4 years before that. I feel so lonely and hurt and I really don't know what to do. >>>>>>>>>>>

ADHD and Anger

I just read through everyone's stories quickly as I know my own life is in the same spot!  My husband has been diagnosed with ADD and now depression. I have blogged on other posts on this website too.  He is on Adderall and Wellbutrin.  He has been going nowhere since Oct 2013 when first diagnosed.  He started on Concerta which seems to be a nasty drug, very irritable on it.  Then he went to Adderall which i think for the most part is working good since he is not as confused and is able to follow through pretty good with most everything, unless he is really tired then things go haywire.  Now...................the depression end of it has come about as a consequence of having the ADD and relationship problems, etc.  Of course I am to blame for his depression.  The meds here need to be adjusted I think still as he is very up and down with moods and same as you all...........very mean and picking on me all the time, gets our daughter saying mean things to me as well.  They seem to say that if you have a mental illness of some type, it will be "comorbid" with at least ONE other type of mental illness.  I beleive he has a third type of mental illness along with these two.  A couple of doctors have said that if he is on the meds for these, he SHOULD NOT be behaving this way still, it should have corrected him.  We are still awaiting some brain injury info as well as he has suffered a couple of really good blows to the forehead.  If anyone has had a hard knock on the frontal lobe get your spouse into doc to look in different direction as well.

Give him a break

BELIEVE IT OR NOT!!!!

ADHD Comes with a looooooot of anger. 

Also note that women and men are affected by this mental disorder differently.

I am actually one of the few women who are affected by adhd very similarly to men. When I am off my medication I am irritable, witty, rude, unwilling to do anything, hateful, and so much more. I can never control my emotions and I have a hard time not wanting to slap someone in the face. 

 

IF, your husband is experiencing all of this ON the medication, then he has been misdiagnosed. The medication is giving him those symptoms. When I am on my medication I am very Mello and relaxed and happy. ADHD Medication is supoosed to CALM you down and make things more clear for you. 

You need to understand that ADHD is real and if your husband says it's a symptom he MEANS it. Also maybe he just needs to change his medication? some adhd medications are really not very affective.

What you're doing wrong is not understanding his situation -- I hated my mom for a very long time because she always suspected and acted as though I was in complete control of my actions and emotions. When i would cry to her and apologize she'd accuse me of 'crocodile tears' -- assuming that I have no emotions at all, which then just infuriated me and made me want to slap her upside the head.

 

Advice?

Understand

Try and have him get other medication perscribed

Behavioral therapy -- YES this works, 

It helps you figure out how to deal with your emotions while on your medication

While ADHD medication might keep you from slapping someone, it doesn't solve the emotional intelligence part, ratherrr, you will just get confused and not know how to deal with a situation that you formerly used to solve with your fist. 

Give him a break

Are you on meds right now as you sound extremely angry.  I hear a lot of violence in your tone and it is quite scary.  The posts here are good for non-adhd spouses to compare what is going on so we all know whether or not it brings on the same issues.

Agree!!

>>> BELIEVE IT OR NOT!!!! ADHD Comes with a looooooot of anger. Also note that women and men are affected by this mental disorder differently. I am actually one of the few women who are affected by adhd very similarly to men. When I am off my medication I am irritable, witty, rude, unwilling to do anything, hateful, and so much more. I can never control my emotions and I have a hard time not wanting to slap someone in the face. >>> What meds do you find work for you?

A woman too...

I read these posts and realize as a woman I am behaving much like many of the husbands being described.  I feel strongly that PMS has a MAJOR affect on ADHD rage related episodes.  I have always had this problem the week before my cycle starts and I become an unrecognizable monster for about 2 days - it makes me ashamed that I cannot control this in me given success in all other facets of life.  If I ever saw a movie of my episodes - I would think it was a horror film.  No one other than my parents, my ex-husband, and now my current boyfriend have ever experienced these rages - I fear some day I will walk alone because I cannot grow out of this.

I&#039;m So Exhausted's picture

Hormones

BaT,

I would suggest you ask your doctor for help with Premenstrual dysphoric disorder.  My hormones fluctuated so much during the last 2 weeks of my cycle, it was miserable for me and for those around me.  PMDD takes usual annoyances, and multiplies the effect about 1,000 times.  A simple dish left in the living room becomes a life altering event!  Not good.  I used to tell my children to Steer Clear.  Then, I got medical help.  Starting on the 14th day of my cycle, I had a prescription that helped keep my emotions in balance.  I still usually had one bad day, usually the 18th day of my cycle, BUT exchanging one day for 2 plus weeks was a miracle.

PMS and PMDD are as much a horror for the sufferer as the family.  A tiny dose of Prozac each day, starting the 14th day, until my cycle started was a life changing event in my life.  

Help yourself.  Ask your doctor if this might be a help to you.

 

Liz 

Why is my ADHD husband so short tempered and angry?

I hear you AJ, it was like reading about my own marriage, especially the part of not wanting to be around other people because it can be embarrassing. I am new to this forum, I just found it a few days ago just hunting and searching for reasons why my husband can't seem to help his resentment of me and his anger over everything that has to do with me. I feel as if I found a lifeline here, up to this point I have been lonely and heartbroken..prone to crying at the drop of a hat. My husband has been diagnosed since he was in High School and I've heard him tell me how it affected everything about his life. When I first met him he was cocky and slightly controlling, but he had a charm that was irresistible. I was used to the control, having had a Sicilian father I felt right at home in this relationship. We have been together 14 years and the last 6 months have been a living hell. He was diagnosed with a back disorder which has put him on disability and ever since he has done a 100% change. He has never been a loving husband in the ways that would seem normal, but I always felt loved by him. I was used to him being on the cold side and not having much of a sex drive. I had gained quite a bit of weight over the years, and blamed myself for his lack of interest..but he still acted like he loved me, and liked me.This last year, I've lost 85 pounds..still on the heavy side, but getting more attractive.Not only has nothing changed in my love life, he hasn't even mentioned that I look better. I know he tells others all about me losing weight and they tell me he is proud of me, but he has never told me. In fact he has started bullying me, yelling at me constantly, blaming me for causing him stress. He doesn't want to talk to me, disengaging whenever I try to talk to him. I suffer from Rheumatoid Arthritis and I use a walker to get around..probably not that appealing, but he doesn't have any compassion- only what appears to be disgust. I have lost another 15 pds. this last few months and he actually accuses me of eating everything in the house! What happens is he drinks too much quite often, and will eat every 5 minutes, wasting much of it, and forgetting all of it the next day. He makes fun of my constant tears and I am tired of crying myself. I used to be a strong woman, now I'm starting to second guess myself that I am not all that he says I am. I feel nervous in my own home because everything I do is a reason for him to yell at me. He sleeps on he couch, always and if I were to wake up at am and make coffee, he will scream at me for waking him up. I spend much of my time alone in my bedroom, avoiding him while he is drunk in my living room and I feel safer in there. There are so many things that I have become accustomed too, but the worst is the constant fault he finds in me. I have mentioned divorce as I don't see any happiness in our future together, but he won't hear of it..telling me he is angry because his back hurts or that he is tired. I miss the love I used to see in his eyes, that is gone. This morning I mentioned to him that maybe his constant yelling could be from his ADHD and that maybe there is help for us. That started another round of bullying telling me I push his buttons and I ask for the yelling because I don't get it. A new remark was that this is why my dad died because my mom must have been like me. My dad died at 79 years old from emphysema long before I met my husband. He has told me before that he understands why my ex would hit me, I asked for it. My ex did hit me, that was why I divorced him, but how much is he searching for things to hurt me and why? I apologize for running on..but this is the first time I have actually felt comfortable talking about my life. I read from so many of you that have similar circumstances and I feel finally hopeful that I'm not the misery he says I am, maybe it isn't hate, but illness that drives this man. Thank you for listening.

it has gotten MUCH worse....

>>>> was like reading about my own marriage, especially the part of not wanting to be around other people because it can be embarrassing. >>>>

 

 

In the past, we could socialize with others, but H now has a LOT of pented-up anger, made worse with certain meds/booze, and I can no longer trust him to behave in many social settings. He now views social settings as an opportunity to "show the world" that I'm wrong. He won't accept the commonly known fact that when HE acts like a jerk to me in public, that only HE looks bad. We were with a friend in a store, and H didn't understand something I said. Instead of letting me clarify, he YELLED that I was a liar! Unbelievable. Of course I hadn't lied....he just misheard and misunderstood....but once he's emotional he won't listen.

I think my husband still has his childhood ADHD

My husband and I have been married 7 years and he has always been very snappy and let's little things get the best of him for example last night we were laying in bed he was watching tv usually I stay up a bit later than him and watch a tv show myself so he finally decides he wants to call it a night turns over and says "good night I'm going to bed not like you care or anything" and I was totally confused by what he was saying to me so I stay silent so he goes on to ask me "do you care?" so I reply with "I mean am I suppose to care your just going to bed you have to get up early right?" So he says "I don't get a kiss good night or anything" but he seems to have a slight attitude the entire time he is saying all of this to me so I completely ignore him so he tells me "mute the tv if your going to watch it or take your ass in the living room and watch it so I can sleep" at this time I am extremely confused did I do something wrong? I usually watch tv while he sleeps what is the issue? so I did not mute the tv but I did turn it down almost to zero he still had a problem and I felt as if he threw a tantrum he got up started yelling at me and went to sleep in the other room he does this all the time his anger and irrational antics come out of nowhere things can be going great then all of a sudden he snaps he was diagnosed with ADHD as a child but has not been to a doctor in his adult years and has never been on meds can this behavior be caused by the ADHD? I do love my husband very much but am so tired of getting miss treated for absolutely no reason

I can relate!!!

My husband and I have been married for awhile and he has always been very snappy and let's little things get the best of him for example last night we were laying in bed he was watching tv usually I stay up a bit later than him and watch a tv show myself so he finally decides he wants to call it a night turns over and says "good night I'm going to bed not like you care or anything" and I was totally confused by what he was saying to me so I stay silent so he goes on to ask me "do you care?" so I reply with "I mean am I suppose to care your just going to bed you have to get up early right?" So he says "I don't get a kiss good night or anything" but he seems to have a slight attitude the entire time he is saying all of this to me so I completely ignore him so he tells me "mute the tv if your going to watch it or take your ass in the living room and watch it so I can sleep" at this time I am extremely confused did I do something wrong? I usually watch tv while he sleeps what is the issue? so I did not mute the tv but I did turn it down almost to zero he still had a problem and I felt as if he threw a tantrum he got up started yelling at me and went to sleep in the other room he does this all the time his anger and irrational antics come out of nowhere things can be going great then all of a sudden he snaps he was diagnosed with ADHD as a child but has not been to a doctor in his adult years and has never been on meds can this behavior be caused by the ADHD? I do love my husband very much but am so tired of getting miss treated for absolutely no reason

<<<

 

I have had VERY similar things happen to me.  My therapist tells me that this is because my H also has a very low self-esteem.  No, you did nothing wrong.  They're in a bad mood over something unrelated to you, but they either aren't self-aware to know what they're really angry at....or they can't express their anger at who they are really angry at....so you become the target.   

At least your H goes to another room. My H typically will then order me to "sleep elsewhere" and if I don't move, he'll start yelling so that I can't sleep there anyway. And, even after I go elsewhere to sleep, he'll get up and yell at my door. I often just leave the house, but then he'll call and rant to me by phone or text. I turn off the phone and then he threatens to destroy something of mine if I don't respond. It is extremely abusive behavior.

 

In their sick world, they are "hurting" over something, and they expect you, (their loved one) to make it all better.  And if you aren't seen as trying to make things better than you are "hurting them" and not showing love.  

 

I believe that some/much of this is because these types ALSO have something else wrong with them....OCD, a personality disorder, anxiety, depression, an addiction, executive function disorder, etc.   I don't think it is only ADHD.....unless it's a severe form.   

Melissa Orlov's quote:

Melissa Orlov's quote:

 

>>>>>

Short and sweet - your husband is using his ADHD as an excuse unless he is doing ALL that he can to get past the anger issues that he has.  Sounds as if the meds he is on are not working as well as they could, or if the meds are actually optimal, he needs to do something else.  

 

One very effective mood regulator is exercise.  He might try very regular aerobic exercise to see if that helps.  

>>>>

 

Yes! I do notice that my H is in a much better mood if he's exercised....but only if the exercise his HIS choice....and not done to an extreme (he sometimes exercises to an extreme, and then has to spend a couple of days in bed with sore muscles and no energy. ) If the exercise is not by his choice, say walking around a LOT on vacation, then he's still vulnerable to have a break down or temper tantrum. WE once spent 7 days straight on a major walking tour vacation (exhausting for the rest of us), but H complained that we hadn't scheduled any "gym time" for him. huh? Gym time? Who could go work out at the gym after walking several miles a day??? The rest of us (we were traveling with a group), were shocked my his words....and sure enough, he left the group at about 4 pm and went and worked out at gym for 2 hours!!! The rest of us were looking for chairs to sit!!! I do now understand why his mom let him spend all day out of the house (she never knew where he was). She likely did it to get him out of her hair but also in hopes that his activities would exhaust him when he got back.

 

<<<<<<<<<<

Another good mood regulator can be meditation.  He may not be a meditation type of guy, but he might look at it another way - either he gets his anger under control or your relationship is going to be badly affected.  Going part way doesn't cut it in this case...you are already trying to get out of his way...and that means that this ought to continued to be addressed until you get to a balance that BOTH of you can live with.

<<<<< My H actually "likes" to take meds. He's a pill junkie in a way....thinks that there is a magic bullet out there that will make him feel better. However, he sometimes resists the idea of meds that are specific to anything that suggests that his anger/issues are because of HIM. He wants to believe that everyone around him mistreats him so, he'll say that he doesn't want to take meds that "will make me not get angry when OTHER people are terrible to me. " Most people aren't "terrible to him." He just reacts as if they are.

 

>>>>>>>

Also, excellent treatment includes therapy with a goal towards behavior modification.  In this case, controlling his anger and/or impulsiveness sounds as if it's an important first thing to modify.  (Note here - my hubby used to have spurts of anger, which may be different from what you're experiencing.  He found that using Wellbutrin as his ADHD med also addrressed his anger at the same time.  He also has worked hard to develop specific habits that pull us together, rather than force us apart.)

<<<< About 18 years ago, H was put on Wellbutrin. I can't remember why. Anyway, he claims that he didn't like it because it made his feelings to be "too flat". That is good! lol.....but he thinks that it is "fake" because he thinks that he has a RIGHT to be super-angry at people for treating him so badly. He doesn't want a drug that will just keep him "calm" when he should be furious for all the "mistreatment."

 

 

<<<<<<<<

I'm curious about your statement that he has been particularly short tempered lately.  Does this change coincide with a new treatment regimen or specfic event? >>>>> For my H, there are various triggers....I think he over-medicates. He also takes some kind of "meds" to help build "manly muscles" (not steroids), and I think that agitates him. He also "bruises" easily.....takes things tooooooooooo personally. Gets upset if others have a different opinion about something. Needs the "validation" that comes from someone having the "same opinion" or someone making the "same choices" as him. <<<<<<<<  Never assume that the meds are doing what you think they ought to do with ADHD and emotional stuff.  Some have some pretty weird side effects.  Experimentation is often needed to get to the right combo for any individual.  In the experimental stages, it might be helpful if you are his partner in observing the side effects.  For example, with his okay, keep notes on what time of day he is particuarly cranky, the situations in which he gets angry, etc.  Not only do the meds sometimes have side effects, but also having the meds wear off can have side effects, too (which is what shows up at certain times of day).

<<<< Yes, I do think some meds don't help. >>>>>>

People with ADD can over-react to things - they can be easily stimulated...or...sometimes people with ADD like the intense simulation of fighting and look for fights to get into in order to be stimulated...or...sometimes people with ADD express their anger more readily than others because they have poor impulse control.  Or, there might be something else going on.  Make sure your hubby is with a person who is a real ADD specialist, not just a generalist, so that he has the highest chance of getting to the bottom of perhaps intertwined things that are going on with him.

>>>>> Yes, I need to learn more about why this is. >>>>>

Anger can also be a reflex that has to do with shame, which is something that people with ADD often struggle with.  See "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking ABout It" for more on this topic.

<<<< <<<<<< H has a lot of shame! And he reacts with anger. >>>>>>

Sometimes it's hard to pull apart the "tangle" of symptoms and figure out exactly how to treat them.  But keep trying, because it's important to you, as well as him, and ultimately will make a huge difference in your relationship.  You don't want to be questionning him AND you (which is already starting to happen).

I&#039;m So Exhausted's picture

My paradigm again

Short and sweet - your husband is using his ADHD as an excuse unless he is doing ALL that he can to get past the anger issues that he has.  

I believe the final reality that got me - following closely by the fact that 4 years of intense focus and work and trying this and trying that - we even did Melissa's Couple Sessions -  is enough for me - my spouse will say, "No I didn't."  "No, I don't."  "I am on time most of the time."  "I did the dishes."  "I didn't cancel the fence."    His denial is strong.  And he attempts to turn it all around into , "You expect too much."  "I can never get anything good enough for you."  "I have never told anyone what I have to put up with, your family would be shocked."  

That gives me no hope what so ever that he has any responsibility in making this better, or even to make things better.   
 

Liz

Passive-aggressive and ADHD

This sounds like passive aggressive behavior, a poorly concealed form of hostility. If a result of the ADHD it's could be due to errors (distortions) of perception on his part (incorrect judgements of other peoples motives, unable to correctly perceive emotions and so on). It could be the result of adapting bad coping skills due to feelings of continually being criticized or 'not good enough' as a child/adult. Is he willing to treat the ADHD? (Edited to add: if he had ADHD as a child, he has it now. People don't grow out of it.

I sometimes think my husband

I sometimes think my husband could be mildly bipolar because of all of his random mood swings and petty fits I don't know how true it is that ADHD can cause an adult man to act in this manner my h has never blamed the way he acts on his ADHD he never talks about it at all except the fact he had it as a child but he has not been treated for behavioral problems since childhood he was placed on medication that he claimed made him very lethargic and was soon after took off the meds and his mother loaded him up on caffeine I know if I tell my husband he needs to see someone about this problem he will never go and it may cause an argument I don't know what to do my h is very head strong stubborn and set in his ways

The good things here..

"since childhood he was placed on medication that he claimed made him very lethargic and was soon after took off the meds and his mother loaded him up on caffeine"

First, there are more options available as far as medication is concerned. Second, stimulants seem to work for him if he was using caffeine. These are both encouraging and if you can work around putting it that way to him, on the basis that his life can be improved, then the outlook for him would be brighter. One thing that worked with my husband was 'if you have a chance to make your life better, wouldn't you take it'. Ultimately many men like to 'fix things' - it may be that your partner is discouraged by his earlier experience with meds, feels hopeless and doesn't want to risk 'failing' again because then he will feel worse about himself (broken and unfixable). But the mere fact that he told you about the ADHD does mean that he's thinking about it.

Is there a medical reason for their anger?

Just throwing a question out here. Is there a MEDICAL reason that so many people with ADHD have such anger issue? or is it a "learned" thing? or possibly BOTH?

    I'm just wondering, because my ADHD husband at times too has anger issues. He is MUCH better now because he's really trying to control more of what he says, but for YEARS people would shy away from him because he always "looked" and "acted" angry. He'd get upset that people wouldn't approach him or talk to him, and I'd try to tell him why, and he'd get ANGRY about it, saying "I'm NOT ANGRY!". His answer would sort of verify what the rest of us observed.

     Since they don't get social cues very well, it's understandable why they can't seem to comprehend what they LOOK like to others. But, they also won't listen when people try to tell them how they can CHANGE this. Is THAT part of ADHD also?

I&#039;m So Exhausted's picture

What can a man do with anger

dedelight4,

Anger is a big issue in my relationship.  I allowed my spouse to control our marriage with his anger for many years.  

Funny thing, for years he had always referred to himself as The Gentle Giant.  He is 6' 4" tall and is large - his knee is the size of a saucer!  He was raised with the Turn the Other cheek mentality.  He often shared a story of how when he was a teen, a bully knocked him down, sat on his chest and punched him in the face - and he ended up with a broken nose.  He "chose" to not fight back.

He currently like to share a story of his "discovery" of how powerful he can be.  He was talking with a young man in his early 20s who had been on the softball team my spouse had coached.  My spouse somehow cornered him and pinned him up against his service truck, had his left hand pressing against the truck, and was forcefully talking right in the young man's face, while pounding his right fist against the truck.  He scared the bejeebers out of the young man.  My spouse revels in telling that story - and seems totally oblivious to how the young man felt, but revels in how powerful it made him feel.  He laughs when he shares it.  

So we have a marriage that has fallen into pieces - with a man who was "the gentle giant" and is now angry at how passive he was, and the wife who smiled and did everything her spouse wanted to keep him happy and now sees the mistake and refuses to be controlled any longer.

And then add in the medical diagnosis of ADHD at a 9 out of 10 scale. . . . . yep a holy mess. 

I had thought we could make this work by each looking at the others strengths and re-negotiating our relationship.

My spouse sees how he was passive with "others", but unfortunately, he is trying to be, as he calls it, the man of the house with me.  His anger and frustration was always misplaced at home.  So for me, it seems like he is twice as bad as he was. The only place he had control was at home - and now he lost that.

Liz

 

 

Anger is often an

Anger is often an inarticulate reaction to hurt (a scream of pain). Of course in those circumstances a human is going to attempt to control the thing that causes the pain. to make it stop. ADHD or not. Given that emotional lability sometimes (often? IDK) accompanies ADHD it's not that surprising that excessive reactions and excessive emotions occur. Just my view.

"they also won't listen when people try to tell them how they can CHANGE this. Is THAT part of ADHD also"

I posted a link a few days ago discussing how teen brains often react to criticism. They literally become unable to function in the normal way when processing negative emotions. I believe a similar effect may be occuring with ADHD, of course I am not a researcher and don't play one on the internet, however the similarities are interesting.

Sunlight, my husband told me

Sunlight, my husband told me a few times that when I would say to him (which I rarely did, knowing how touchy the subject was) that I would like it if he looked for a job, his brain would tell him to do the opposite.  Very frustrating.  As is the fact that he didn't look for work when I wasn't expressing my view, either.

Sounds like a teenager

.. going through a phase. But he hasn't come out of it. (Sorry to state the obvious). The research on teenagers included scanning their brains, something I think would be helpful for all ADHD people so that they gain a fuller understanding of themselves.

Why the anger

I think that many with ADHD also have other issues.....depression, anxiety, OCD, Executive Function Disorder etc. I think during much of their lives they have been criticized by others....parents, teachers, friends, loved ones, etc....because of their behaviors, their illogic , their perceived laziness, their inability to "think outside the box", lack of foresight, often keeping others waiting, being late, etc. I think that hearing criticisms most of their lives has MADE them angry.

True. And because of all of

True. And because of all of this they've had to be on the defensive from the beginning; it's a knee jerk reaction to anything not going right or to any criticism.  Plus they're mad and disappointed at themselves most of the time too. They've disappointed others and themselves all of their lives.  I know, I'm one of them.  Because we're distracted within our own heads all of the time, then we really don't tolerate the constant distractions of young children, and even more when the child(ren) also have ADD and are constantly distracting the adult and talking non-stop from the time they wake up until the time they go to sleep. They feel like their brain is about to explode at some point every day.  It's torture to live in an ADD brain!

Weak right brains

Too bad Brain Balance wasn't available a long time ago when those of us with ADD or ADHD were kids so that we could do something to strengthen the right brain.  The left brain is the "gas pedal" and is on GO, GO, GO, with no right brain to tell it to put on the brakes.  There are changes us adults can still do though to strengthen our right hemisphere though; major changes in diet, certain music, smell, and physical exercises for the body and the eyes. At least my child is getting help; have noticed an improvement within the first week already!  It's worth a try, you can read about it in Dr. Robert Melillo's book:  Disconnected Kids

should I stop now......

From my perspective it is about getting the meds right, you can say and do all you want about having patience and love for the adhd spouse......but they dont understand that from you unless medicated eith sonething that works for them!
bdbunce85's picture

Im That Husband

Hey I showed this to my wife and she said that she felt like she wrote it..

Your Husband prob. loves you more than you think i Love my kids and wife more than anything in this world its just hard to show love. Alot of people with adhd have problems showing love with my son i act all tough with him constantly i dont notice that im doing it until my wife says somthing to me i have a very hard time showing emotions and i hate it, i treat my wife like shit alot and she doesnt deserve that at all but it got alot better longer we ben together. sometimes i think about when we first got together how she stayed with me i was so damn controlling i didnt want her having no guy friends and judge what she was wearing who she hung out with what she was doing everything i never layed a hand on her and never will i just emotionally abused her like a jerk  . I hate having adhd its so damn exhausting your mind runs constantly. i ben on adderal sence i was 5 years old... does your husband mood change with blink of an eye when he gets mad he prob stays mad i was looking up adhd and marraige because i dont want to be like this no more i want to be normal and treat me wife and kids great like they deserve . they are my world and sometimes its hard to show that. im worn out with my mind running constantly its not a good feeling at all and treating your love ones like dirt is not acceptable most time i dont notice im doing it untill everyone is asleep and i start thinking then i start feeling worse.. sence i was 5 they had me in anger management and therapy nothing helps when i take adderal it helps a little then when i start coming off of it it starts getting worse ... Your husband loves you more then you think its just hard showing it does he wrestle or play fight with the and sometimes he gets to rough .when he calls you names he doesnt mean it one bit its just venting .. when i get mad and start calling my wife names i dont mean it all i just dont know how to get mad with out breaking punching stuff so when her or the kids get me mad i dont hit them i just use words to hurt them because i dont know what else to do i would never ever physically lay a hand on her or my kids but calling names hurts just as much .. i want to show love without violence.. if you have any solutions please let me know .....

Your H sounds a LOT like my H....

Ask your H if it would be ok for you to record him so that he can later "hear" how he speaks to you.

 

What drug does he take for Road Rage?

 

Going to a MD is not enough.  Is he seeing a therapist as well?  

 

What you're describing is NOT likely only ADHD.  You've described my H...really....and he has an Axis II personality disorder (likely Borderline PD), Major Mood Depression, OCD, and Anxiety.  Over the last 10 years, he has become an alcoholic, but he's always had addictive behaviors and the desire for a "quick fix" (pill, whatever) to fix whatever is bothering him at the moment....which makes him very vulnerable for drug and pill addictions.   He doesn't want to admit that he's addicted to pain meds, but he is.  

 

Since you've only been married a year, you need to "get serious" and make some decisions before it's too late.  I was terribly naive early in our marriage.  I knew nothing about ADHD, etc.   All I knew is that my H was a "hot head" and could get angry at very small things.  He also scared the crap out of me a few times when he "felt" that some other driver had "cut him off" or some other small thing.  He would take it upon himself to "drive crazy" get too close to that person to "show him".    

 

I , too, am a strong woman so his insults were like teflon.  However, the problem is being with him around others.  He is just so rude.  If something annoys him or he's annoyed with me, he will "make sure" everyone knows.   If he's mad at me, he wants the world to know it.  He finally stopped doing that after 30 years when our new neighbors were snubbing him because of what they had witnessed.  He went over and apologized and then promised me that he was turning over a new leaf...but it took 30 years of hell to get to this place.  

 

I have LONG given up doing things with friends with H around.  I just can't trust him.  He has humiliated me on a few occasions, therefore I won't give him those opportunities anymore.  I will do things with friends away from him.  

 

My family hates him, and they typically love and welcome anyone.  My family is NOT one to dislike in-laws.  But, they have witnessed some horrible behaviors, so they're right to dislike him.  

 

This is why you need to be very careful before proceeding with this marriage.

 

Our children do NOT like their father AT ALL.  They do not respect him.  They have BEGGED me to divorce him.  this is very sad.  I was able to keep their dad away from them as much as possible, but they were still impacted by his craziness and temper.  

Comorbid issues, meds and anger

If your kids are saying divorce, divorce..............they feel all the pain too and if they can make up their own minds to say they don't like him................go..............they will have psychological damage from all this.  I have lived it!!

 

Please help. My husband was

Please help. My husband was diagnosed with adhd when he was younger and I think it never really went away. He doesn't think he has adhd from the start as he's mother told him the school are just finding out a way to stop kids from being too rowdy in class. No one in his family noticed this but my whole family and random people who have met her thinks she has some sort of autism. I can't explain it but there's something very off about her. Anyways my husband of only a year started changing straight away when we got married. He started talking to me rudely all the time. There's always something wrong with whatever I do. He find little faults to get mad at me. I gain abit of weight since we got married but I'm not over weight or anything. And he constantly make me feel bad about it. Calling me obese and making walk/exercise more because he said he doesn't like how I look and he thinks it's disgusting. I can't sit with him on the couch cos he gets annoyed. I can't hold his hand, I can't touch his face, I can't hug him and there's always different reason to as why he doesn't want too. I get told off with little noise when he's asleep. If I don't beg him for any attention he would lock himself up in the room and just be on the computer all the time. He doesn't show any affection toward me. We barely have sex! Only random time when he really need it. He will just come behind me while I'm cooking or maybe when I'm asleep. I feel used. I don't really know how this thing works. I'm not really good at expressing my feeling but since all this started i developed anxiet, panic disorder and when I sleep I clench my teeth n my hands. I'm soooo oo oo stressed put i don't know what to do. I wanna leave because this is not the man I married but I'm still hoping to get him back. I never really did anything wrong so I just don't understand. Now I just try to avoid him cos everyday there always something ffor him to point out n it's upsetting me. It's like I'm tip toeing in my own house. I'm afraid to become his parent. they live a separate lives in one house barely talking to each other. P.s I have told him about my feeling many times nicely. I told him im not happy anymore but it turns to arguments cos he doesn't know why I would feel thay way. I feel like he's in capable of loving or showing love but that's not the case when we wer still dating. I have also gave him an article about adhd stuff and I told him calmly and lovingly told him how I would i appriate him reading it but he started getting mad at me. I don't know what else to do. I tell him everyday I love him and when he starts talking me rudely I calmly tell him I love him and tell him it's upsetting me how he talks to me. I'm personally a very sweet person. Everyone loves me. HIs family. I cook for my neighbours take care of all of his nneeds . There's always food in the table. Packed lunch to bring to work. ... soooo what else can I do oo? ??? Prostrated.