Wife with ADHD why can't I be content and let my husband back in?

I posted on here before , but I'm still struggling.

I had a stupid emotional/semi physical affair with a really dbag type of guy who I had crush on at the beginning of dec12. 

Since that time my husband has done a 180 . He is forgiving and the person I have always dreamed about. He treats me amazing, he is very affectionate and loving, doesn't complain loves to help me . 

I still have a problem accepting his love. I feel like he had treated me like I didn't matter and took me for granted for so many years that I checked out and even now I still can't get it back. I love him , he is the man I want so why do I feel like I don't deserve his love ? I have  gotten over the stupid emotional affair stuff or I thought I had.

i have to see him 2 times a month and talk to him 2 times on the phone and last time I was so proud of myself he made a comment and I had a good comment  back to him that let him know I didn't want him around. 

I dislike him on so many levels, I would never want him to touch me again. But I still think about that night all of the time, what could have or would have happened if I had let it go further.

i feel like I compromised my self and I don't really know who I am anymore. So obviously I can't feel love if I don't love myself or know who I am. Previous to this affair I had very strong values, was so proud of being faithful for 8 and a half years , felt happy when a women commented on my wedding ring. Now I feel like I'm pretending. Makes me sad and think he deserves better. I still feel like crap when I think about how I hurt him.  I used to be able to feel confident in who I was and now I'm so lost. I know that when I decided that I wanted to seperate him I went on what I call a downward spiral and had 0 self worth. And alot of the things I felt/thought were not real or were my mind making me think things that I know are false.  I feel like a horrible wife.

I feel like I can't be content with him and this is a constant feeling in my life.  Somedays I feel a little love my husband and my brain ruins it by thinking about a man I hate naked or what it would have been to have sex with another man. I just want to love my husband again like he loves me. He is full blown in love and I have days where I'm still thinking of leaving again. I know how much of a mistake that would be. I guess I just need advice. I worry my adhd affects me being able to let this all go and move on. I'm on meds and I know that adjusting those wont help since the rest of my life is just fine . 

Is feeling content or often feeling discontent a typical adhd thing ? How do I move on and stop obsessing over what I have done and how do I get this persons memory out of my mind? 

Forums: 

?????

Ok, I think I am lost.did he have an affair, then you did? Or did you because he didn't accept you for so long, you grew to resent him? I am confused. 

I did because of the

I did because of the resentment . I checked out of my marriage in December and was in a vulnerable place 

 

he has never had an affair 

Another question

How was your husband prior to the affair? Took you for granted, didn't appreciate YOU?  

He showed me no affection we

He showed me no affection we had very little sex , never would help me around the house very selfish and I allowed the behavior for years. We have been together for 8 no kids. I could be bawling on the floor and he would just stare at me . If I went to kiss him he would say hurry up. Never wanted to go anywhere or do anything with me or friends just very selfish and as a result I did everything. My breaking point  was when I realized after the 100 fight about the same crap , his refusal to attend counciling with me. I realized I'm 26 we don't have kids yet and If I move on I would have time to find someone else and I don't want to bring a child into this . When you attend marriage therapy alone it's pretty much a sign it's over.

 

he is now the polar opposite of everything I said above . In everyway you can imagine . This all happened after I told him what I did.