I posted on here before , but I'm still struggling.
I had a stupid emotional/semi physical affair with a really dbag type of guy who I had crush on at the beginning of dec12.
Since that time my husband has done a 180 . He is forgiving and the person I have always dreamed about. He treats me amazing, he is very affectionate and loving, doesn't complain loves to help me .
I still have a problem accepting his love. I feel like he had treated me like I didn't matter and took me for granted for so many years that I checked out and even now I still can't get it back. I love him , he is the man I want so why do I feel like I don't deserve his love ? I have gotten over the stupid emotional affair stuff or I thought I had.
i have to see him 2 times a month and talk to him 2 times on the phone and last time I was so proud of myself he made a comment and I had a good comment back to him that let him know I didn't want him around.
I dislike him on so many levels, I would never want him to touch me again. But I still think about that night all of the time, what could have or would have happened if I had let it go further.
i feel like I compromised my self and I don't really know who I am anymore. So obviously I can't feel love if I don't love myself or know who I am. Previous to this affair I had very strong values, was so proud of being faithful for 8 and a half years , felt happy when a women commented on my wedding ring. Now I feel like I'm pretending. Makes me sad and think he deserves better. I still feel like crap when I think about how I hurt him. I used to be able to feel confident in who I was and now I'm so lost. I know that when I decided that I wanted to seperate him I went on what I call a downward spiral and had 0 self worth. And alot of the things I felt/thought were not real or were my mind making me think things that I know are false. I feel like a horrible wife.
I feel like I can't be content with him and this is a constant feeling in my life. Somedays I feel a little love my husband and my brain ruins it by thinking about a man I hate naked or what it would have been to have sex with another man. I just want to love my husband again like he loves me. He is full blown in love and I have days where I'm still thinking of leaving again. I know how much of a mistake that would be. I guess I just need advice. I worry my adhd affects me being able to let this all go and move on. I'm on meds and I know that adjusting those wont help since the rest of my life is just fine .
Is feeling content or often feeling discontent a typical adhd thing ? How do I move on and stop obsessing over what I have done and how do I get this persons memory out of my mind?