Submitted by hurting716 on Wed, 01/23/2013 - 17:17
I came to this site months ago and introduced myself and my relationship with ADD. My husband and both my children have been diagnosed with ADD. I've had some health issues and other family members with severe health issues that have kept me away from the board for some time. As I struggle again and felt the need to come back to get some words of support, encouragement, advice, etc... I just sat here reading (and maybe I just haven't read the right topics yet) and thought WTF!
I have read nothing but how do I deal with this, any suggestion on dealing with that, is this a symptom of ADD. I realize ADD is real, but where are the people with the diagnosis? Why is it the ones who don't have ADD are here looking for answers, help, solutions, etc... What I've read (if you take out the diagnoses from the my "husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, partner") it would just read as pure abuse. I personally don't think even my family means to be abusive, but as I have lived with someone who has had ADD my whole life (I believe my father and brother are both undiagnosed, my first husband went undiagnosed, and now my husband and both my children have been diagnosed) I'm starting to wonder how much of this is legitimate and how much is a convenient excuse to just be selfish.
I am normally a positive person. I try to look at someone's strengths more than their weaknesses. I try to look at the positives, always hope for the best, and look to the good points. However, as I once again fell into a ridiculous argument with my husband this morning, look around the house and see no improvement with any of them, I have to stop and wonder, are these just selfish people? Is being ADD an excuse to just have the rest of us cater to their needs?
I have lost myself. I have spent countless hours doing research, reading, even buying books and reading them ahead of them so they wouldn't waste time reading something that wasn't helpful to them, doctor appointment after appointment, and therapy sessions. Why? I don't have ADD, but I love them and want them to have a better life. It appears that I'm the only one who is concerned with this. Why is my free time being eat up by trying to figure them out and bettering them when they don't seem to care? My husband is over 40, my son is turn 18 in a few months, and my daughter turns 14 next month, it's not like these are little children that need constant supervision but I have felt that I have been a babysitter for three individuals who are no older than a toddler. At what point do you just call it quits and let them fend for themselves?
I have been in therapy, have suffered a mental breakdown, have lectured til I'm blue in the face, bought computers, pda's, smart phones to help them remember and organize their lives for it all to turn into are devices they can play games on, have spent countless hours trying to come up with solutions for each one to be more independent and successful, but for what purpose nothing gets better, no routines, nothing. It's like two steps forward, three steps back. When is enough enough? When is it their responsibility to do something? They aren't on any websites to get help, if it isn't a game they won't be there. I read the books and tell them what I found to be some good information they should check it out and there are stacks of books with dust on them.
My husband doesn't even get that he is the one the children mimic and that he should set the example. He looks at me with a truly puzzled look as to why the kids do what they do and it takes everything I have to go "REALLY?". I explain that I'm the odd man out, they don't relate to me, they can't comprehend me, be like me, but if they actually saw him doing more, etc... that they may get the idea they can do better. That just won't work, because he may actually have to do more, imagine that.
I love them dearly and they aren't bad people. ADD, selfish, both, who knows? But here I sit at the computer trying to put my world back together as they "play". So, yes, I ask the question, WTF? Where are the ones with this diagnoses to help answer our questions? Where is their responsibility in all of this? We (as in those posts I've read asking for advice and help) sit here wondering is this ADD, how can we help with this, how can we help with that, etc... and all we have are each other saying hang in there, you wrote my life, it's the same thing with my husband/girlfriend.
I do realize there are individuals on this board with ADD and do respond. I am in no way expecting someone else to fix my problems or my family. This is more about venting how alone I feel in this battle. Venting about the fact that I am here again seeking support, answers, and hope that I may can help someone else with something more than "I sympathize". Frustrated at reading others who are suffering like me and all we have is each other looking for help not the "offending" party seeking help.
I don't expect a medal for doing my job as a parent or being a good wife. I just don't understand why those with the ADD (and maybe it's just my family) aren't out there trying to do more instead of just saying well I have ADD and this is how I am.