The Care and Feeding of a Non-ADD Spouse
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Tue, 05/13/2008 - 20:31
I spend a lot of time helping non-ADD spouses understand how to interpret their ADD husband’s actions (or, more frequently, inactions – a word I use without judgment.) I think it’s time to write a piece for the ADD male about what non-ADD women want. Perhaps you’ve seen the movie “What Women Want”? This is what I think you would hear if you were Mel Gibson and could hear your wife’s thoughts.
Thoughts and actions are not equally satisfying: You may be thinking about me a lot, but when you are off in your own world, or distracted by something else, I have no way of knowing that. To me, it feels as if you almost never think of me. It makes me sad. In the future, can you take a few seconds and show me through actions, not thoughts, that you are thinking of me? A short kiss, an “I love you” or some other action will mean a lot to me.
I really don’t like being a nag, but can’t figure out a more effective way to get your attention: People with ADD are content to be off in their own world. That’s okay most of the time, but if I had wanted to be completely ignored, I wouldn’t have gotten married. Over the years, I’ve learned that the easiest (notice, I’m not saying “best”) way to get your attention is to be in your face and nag you or express anger. I bet you don’t like this, and I sure don’t! Help me stop this pattern by setting up a cue that we agree upon. When I really need you’re attention, I’ll use this cue…and you’ll agree to stop what you are involved with, and pay attention. I promise not to abuse this – and we’ll get along so much better!
I love you a lot, but wonder if you love me: People without ADD need positive, physical reinforcement. I want to think that you love me, but when you get distracted by just about everything but me, it’s hard to keep thinking I’m one of your priorities. Why should a car, or a computer, or a game be more important than me? As hard as I try to not take this personally, sometimes I just can’t. I need some time, every week, when you are focused on just me – nothing else. Your effort to do this will tell me that you do love me, and will make me feel so much better and happier! Let’s take some time right now and schedule some time together.
I want to show you my love, but my anger is getting in the way: I love you. A lot. I envision a future where you’ve addressed some of your ADD symptoms – and I’ve addressed my bad responses to them – so that we can have fun and enjoy each other again. But we need to work together on this, not fight each other because there’s too much anger and frustration on both sides right now. Can we work together? Please?
I’m working really hard at this relationship, but sometimes despair because it doesn’t feel to me like you are, too: I’m not asking that we meet in the exact middle. But sometimes I despair that we’ll never meet at all! I need attention, and one form of attention is having you take my needs seriously enough to show an effort in my direction. This gets back to the “thoughts and actions” are not the same as ideas notion. I want to be happy around you (and you want me to be happy around you – it’s so much easier that way!) but it’s hard to keep always trying without seeing any reciprocal action. Can we agree on one thing that you’ll work on for me and make a plan for how that will happen? Then I’ll feel happier, which will make me be happier, which will benefit us both.
We both have our strengths and weaknesses: You probably think that all I ever do is tell you what you’re doing wrong and that this somehow means that I think I’m perfect. I apologize for nagging you, and I don’t think I’m perfect (the nagging is proof I’m not!) Let’s acknowledge that we are both people, inherently not perfect, and make a plan to get around those things one or both of us isn’t so strong at. Solutions might include changing who does what, or hiring outside help.
I’m sorry that I’m angry: I hate feeling angry all the time. It’s starting to really make me dislike myself, in fact. I understand why I feel angry – our relationship isn’t going in the direction I thought it would. You’re probably angry about this, too. I badly want to work through my anger – and to have you admit, and work through – yours. This will take some behavior changes on both sides…and perhaps some professional help, but let’s make it a mutual goal to work through it – for our (non-angry and potentially wonderful) future. A good first step will be for me to learn how to accept my past anger, forgive myself, and move on. Would you consider doing this, too?
I want to have fun! What happened to the days when we loved spending time together? Our life is too serious and angry right now. Let’s schedule some fun stuff together (and get a sitter if we need to). The crazier, and the further away from our everyday lives, the better!
I want you to want me: We’re having some problems right now, which may affect our sex life, but I really long for the days when sex was fun, and exciting, and I felt loved and safe with you. I want you to want me sexually, and when we get rid of some of the anger, and I feel more confident that you can show me you love me, can we smooth things out sexually? I really want that. Maybe we can start with smaller signs of affection? Or maybe just go have some great sex…right now!
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Comments
Thank you!
Melissa, "Care and Feeding of a Non-ADD Spouse" is a terrific post! It validates all of my feelings about my husband with ADHD. Thank you! I'm going to print this out and show it to my husband—and also to my mother-in-law, because my father-in-law has ADHD too.
this is some great
this is some great reading...i can't wait til my husband comes home so i can let him read it...
Melissa, these buckets
Melissa, these buckets pretty much describe my marriage. I have ADD, and my wife does not. She's frustrated with my inattention, my inability to start some things, as well as my inability to finish things all the way through. I live in my own little world sometimes, and it's a world of tasks, not one of relationships.
Great post
My non-ADD partner could have written that, almost word for word, about me.
At one point or another, she has said the exact things to me, some of them often.
What non-ADD women want
Your comments are so accurate. I'd like to share these with my husband, but I think he's become so defensive about his ADD that he wouldn't take it in. Our relationship is becoming harder and harder, because I'm taking on more and more responsibility for our lives and our business. I'm exhausted and frustrated all of the time. I'll save this until I think he's ready to read it.
What non-ADD women want
Dear Tired,
I'm curious about how your husband reacted to the post, if you gave it to him. Your comment "Our relationship is becoming harder and harder, because I'm taking on more and more responsibility for our lives" describes my marriage exactly. I too am exhausted and frustrated, as well as disappointed and angry, most of the time. My husband isn't defensive about his ADD but anything I say to him he takes as a criticism and so I keep my mouth shut until I feel like I'm going to bust and then we have a huge fight. I worry about showing him this or other things I've found on this site because he might take it as a criticism instead of as me trying to change my behaviors to better help him. I'm curious how your husband responded.
anger
The part of this that resonates with me is the anger. I hate being angry and resentful all the time. I worry that it's making me old before my time or compromising my health, and I know it affects my children and my husband, too. But I feel like the only adult in the house. My husband adds work and stress and messes for me, rather than being a helpmate. I think the only way I'll ever feel the same about him is if he gets some real help for his ADHD, but he won't even fully acknowledge it. The only advice that will ever matter for ADHD sufferers is this: Get help. Address your problem. A lot of the things that aren't working out for you right now (including your relationships) will fall into place if you get some real, professional treatment for your ADHD. I don't want attention or flowers or more time with you, because none of those things matter if our life is still in disarray because of your disability.
how about add women and non-add men?
What do we do? I can't seem to find help. It's not only men that have ADD. I think it's even worse when it's the woman who has the ADD. I have intense inattentive ADD with the occasional impulsiveness. HELP!
Help is out there
Hi. My husband and I probably both have ADD. I'm the one who acknowledges the problem and searches for solutions. My searching has led to vast improvements in our lives. First and foremost you should find a good counselor. Mine has helped me to realize I have anxiety/other issues as well. The small communication changes she has suggested have already altered the tone of my relationship with my husband and children. The literature she has had me read has helped me change my whole perspective, and I'm actually remembering/becoming the happier person I used to be. Medication is necessary for me as well - I take an antidepressant and Concerta, a medication for ADD (I have the inattentive kind too and need the boost to get going daily). I also take an anti-anxiety medication that I use as a sleep aid (insomnia related to perimenopause). Lastly, there are a ton of resources out there (online, books, etc.). Google ADD and you'll find some. Some of my favorites are blogs/sites/books by Jen Koretsky, Terri Matlen, Patricia Quinn/Kathleen Nadeau, Rick Fowler, Kirk Martin, and especially this website!. An incredible book I'm reading right now is The Disorganized Mind by Nancy Ratey - literally a self-coaching book for people with ADD. Educate yourself, get the outside help you need, rely on the vast support network out there , and most importantly, love yourself.
both spouses with attentional issues
Great information in your post. Thank you. You say that you and your spouse both have ADD and you are the one who acknowledges it. I just posted something about this in the "Other" forum. I'm curious. Does your husband acknowledge his stuff? Does this (i.e., his attentional issues and/or lack of acknowledgment of them) cause any problems? Like you, my family deals with anxiety and depression along with the attentional issues. Sorry to pile on, but a sub-issue here is how do families with attentionally challenged parents every provide the appropriate help to their kids?
ochnocon
Hope for ADD Families
Sorry it has taken me forever to reply. My husband will not overtly acknowledge that he has ADD. He is anti psychological help in general. At home, his issues tend to be impulsivity, short fuse, etc. I know/have learned how to diffuse his angry outbursts. He probably has other issues at work as well - disorganization, procrastination, hyperfocusing, etc. - but structures/people are in place to help him succeed . Before seeing my therapist, reading about ADD from a man's perspective, etc. I just internalized his comments, became resentful, depressed, etc. My therapist has helped me become more assertive, able to communicate my needs more clearly, etc. We are much happier because of it. He really is an incredibly loving husband and father, and he really does want me to be happy. Just talking to someone and being heard can do wonders to boost your self-esteem. My therapist is also helping me establish rules/structure with my children (even though they aren't present, we discuss these issues, and I report back to her). Some helpful resources regarding ADD and families are - www.celebratecalm.com, ADD Moms website, ADDitude magazine/website, books/website by Kathleen Nadeau and Patricia Quinn, etc. I think Jen Koretsky put it aptly in her Odd One Out book - wives/moms have to put on their oxygen masks first - they have to help themselves before they can help others. I'm finding out this is a journey. I'm helping myself, my relationship with my husband, and our family structure/routines initially. Eventually I'll address which of my kids' issues need the most attention - ADD, anxiety, etc. I'm fortunate that right now they are doing okay in school, have some friends, etc. I'll be better able to advocate for treatment/medication for my kids if necessary (with regards to my husband) because he has witnessed the positive changes in me and our relationship. Hope some of this helps. I have found deep breathing exercises and reading positive/inspirational/zen quotations to be extremely calming.
Or women and non-ADD women for that matter...
This post was painful for me to read because it summed up a lot of the issues that destroyed my own marriage with my wife - after six years together, and getting legally married not long after it became possible for us in Canada, where we live, she told me she wanted to end it two months ago, and I moved out earlier this month.
I don't think anything in this column is particularly gender specific. ADD men with non-ADD women, ADD women with non-ADD men, or ADD/non-ADD same-sex couples could probably all benefit from reading it.
Apart from perhaps those who are reading it a little too late, like me. :-(
how about add women and non-add men?
I have about the same diagnosis as you. My impulsiveness is no where as bad as it was in my 20's and 30's. Now that I have my diagnosis and am on meds, I am so much better. I'm not sure my husband feels that way. Hard to know, I don't get alot of feedback from him. The 'communication' in our marriage is slim to nil when it comes to 'us'. Oh we speak, but not about my issues.
I know he still feels like he does more than his fair share of duties, but he really doesn't. We don't share household duties, it's all on my shoulders. I've tried to ask for help over the years, only to get barked at, that I don't have it very bad. So I don't ask anymore. Can't even get help from our 20 year old daughter. She has enough trouble keeping her own things in order. I'm positive she has add also. She accelled in school, where I didn't at all.
You aren't alone, would love to share thoughts and stories with you, please reply.
2nd Marriage, Blended Family
I read an awsume book called The Smart Step family by Ron Deal. It has some great advice for blended families, which he actually calls crock pot families because it can take a lot longer than a blender to make them work. He doesn't however address the compounded effects that ADHD can throw into the mix and that is where I really need some guidance.
My two son's from my first marriage have ADHD they are also 13 and 14. Tough ages to say the least. The main issue I am having is the relationship between my current husband and my chidlren especially the 14 year old.
My husband has a lot of ADD symptoms although not diagnosed. Many experts have suggested that I should be the one to initiate the discipline but my husband has a very hard time with that. I was raised by two very flexible, high tolerant parents and he was raised with two very strict, harsh parents. We as a couple thus also struggle greatly with coming together and agreeing on discipline.
He is very black and white and always wants to take away all of their privileges when they disobey. I however, tend to have shades of gray. When they have meltdowns I tend to look at the whole picture, what was going on in their day, was it stressful etc. I also look at medication schedules becasue they have extreem rebound at times. He feels that I should have much higher expectations for them at this point and that I am way to permissive.
Between his ADD issues and my childrens I feel like I am always surrounded with disfunction. I am a great communicator and spend countless hours each day processing with my husband and my children. My husband and I get along great in every other way except in the area of parenting but this obviously is a big issue and it has created a huge amount of strain on our mariage.
I also work with people with disabilities so I struggle with never getting a break and I am constently exhausted. Any tips to help our situation would be greatly appreciated !
Blended FAmilies
Has your husband read any of Dr. Hallowell's books? If not, this would be the time to start, I think. He would be ahead if he could differentiate between "garden variety growing up disobediance" and "I didn't get that done because I was distracted and have ADHD disobedience".
I started out as a pretty tough disciplinarian, but have mellowed over the years as I have learned more about ADHD and the needs of kids who have it. They need patience (this is trying sometimes, as you know!) and love, and a "safe" place. But that said, they also do need consequences because some day they will be out in the world and the world has consequences. Better that they figure out how to deal while still in your protective cocoon before they are out of the house...so you may find that you may need to determine where to draw some tough lines, too.
Here's a story that might illustrate. My daughter used to be late for the bus pretty much every day. She tried multiple alarms, I tried yelling at her. I tried begging her. But many mornings I found myself jumping in the car to drive her to school. Finally, when she was in 9th grade, her doctor pointed out that this was a terrible way for everyone to start the day - way too stressful for us both - and suggested that I stop giving her a backup plan. She suggested that if Kat missed the bus she should have to ride her bike the 4 miles to school.
This was hard for me to contemplate, but it was harder to think about stressing out every morning, so we tried it, with a modification...if she missed the bus she would have to get herself to a different stop about 4 blocks away where the bus arrived 15 minutes later. If she missed that, it was the bike.
After having to walk to the other stop several times in the middle of winter she started paying attention to her alarms, and managed (if I made her breakfast to go) usually to get to her own stop (right next to our house). It was hard for me to watch her struggle, but in the end she learned some valuable skills. And, I admit, I did drive her a couple of times (but only a couple) in the winter when she missed both busses because I knew she was trying really hard and for the most part successful.
Moral of the story - a good crock pot is one in which all the flavors blend together. See what you can do to make sure you're not enabling your kids, and see if your husband is willing to learn a bit more about ADHD. Who knows, maybe as he learns he'll benefit, himself.
Melissa Orlov
the care and feeding of a non-add spouse
my goodness - i came upon this site and article at just the right time.
i have known my husband for nearly 20 years and what a 20 years it has been. i fell in love with a "renaissance man" - a highly creative guy with a very soft heart but sadly a bottomless pit of anger, (nay rage), frustrations, procrastinations - you all know the story!
we've been apart several times, mostly instigated by him running away when i ask him to face himself (he has also had addiction issues). but here we are, still hanging on for another round, even though this particular time around he hasn't physically left, he has withdrawn romance and sex for several months. i now see that it's his way of establishing boundaries and, like most things that capture his interest, he does it with an intensity and determination that i know not to bother trying to challenge.
it was about five months ago that i was given the lifeline i have needed forever - a radio show had a guy around my husband's age discuss his adult add; my husband fit the description to a tee.
it will be a month from today that he is set to have a brain scan and then will begin some form of medical treatment, but he has already shown that he owns this "issue" once and for all. now i have focus on getting the support and strength i need to learn how to help him/us better. (BTW the one book that seems to have opened his soul (along with a floodgate of repressed feelings of low self esteem) is " You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-Help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder (Paperback) - my husband cried deeply over this book and for about a month, intensely grieved his lost self and his life up until now.
at the moment he is going through the process of starting a business - great on one hand because he is doing what he is gifted at yet inordinately challenging as he learns to organize himself for success.
for my part i am having to learn to truly trust him as he sets out for the first time in his life to live authentically and in accordance with his gifts. we are both growing together and if not romantically involved right now, are still able to connect on a deep level and support each other despite the other disconnect.
to all spouses involved with a loved one with add, i wish you love and hope and faith that your lives will get better.
words cannot express how grateful i am to have had this breakthrough.
there is hope and a true path forward - finally.
a light at the end of the tunnel and it's NOT a train!!!
"relationships"
I wish I could say I knew what a relationship was like. Family relationship is next to nil and I haven't had a steady boyfriend in about 20 years. I've come to realize (though I don't want to accept) I will never have a child, I will never have a husband, i will never have someone who loves me enough to take the good and the bad, My immediate family can't/won't do that. I will never have someone to lean on when I cannot hold myself up. I've gone out of my way to do that, to be there (showing the good) for those who I thought were friends, but when I've turned to them, hoping the favor will be returned, it doesn't happen. I'm trying to learn to accept that I am now and will most likely will be on my own - alone for the rest of my "life"
How did any of ya'll even get as far as a marriage? I can't begin to fathom how to have a relationship now. A big, thick brick wall seems to be the only thing to keep me from being hurt and disappointed. Yuck.
no relationship
You don't mention whether or not you've sought out the assistance of a professional counsellor for your grief and, perhaps, to explore why you aren't able to connect. If you haven't done so, I would suggest it. ADHD shouldn't prevent you from having relationships, but perhaps a poor family situation has made connection more difficult for you?
Connection is really, really important to your mental and physical health. Since you seem to wish to be connected, I think continuing to pursue what isn't working for you is worthwhile. If you haven't tried a counsellor, please do!
Melissa Orlov
counseling
Melissa, I've been in & out of counseling & meds since I was 19, more in than out. Counseling began before I knew I had of ADD, but knew too well of crushing depression, authority & family problems. This has been over 1/2 my life. I tried to go back to school as an adult, as was accepted into an Ivy League school. It took me 1 1/2 years to flunk out. The worst (school work) followed the death of my boyfriend in '95 because I had no support system, except for the counseling dept @ school. In the past 4 years, since I haven't been able to hold a job, I've been involved w/ DBT, outpatient, 3 days a week for 4 months (max allowed). Individual counseling during this time has used emdr, with helped with the long term grief of my boyfriends death. I also enjoyed the soothing, focusing abilities of art therapy and taken a "writing your grief" mini-seminar. I have been declared disabled( by SSD) because of my depression, ADD and its on my lack of work abilities. I have begging for assistance in getting my life on track with ADD. The county MH clinic has not helped in this area. Instead they kept focusing on crisis. Much of the crisis' could have been avoided if I had received some direction in managing my life since diagnosed w/ ADD. I'm chasing my tail, and I'm getting awfully, awfully tired. Now since I'm on Medicare and receive SSD, my income is below the poverty level. Medicare will only pay 50% of MH Services, even though this is the health issue that led to my disabled status. This $ has to be paid out of my below poverty income, next to impossible. The MH clinic I feel has given me the "bum rush" because after several years of counseling they are supposed to "wrap up their cases" and take on new clients, per my counselor. Personally I think they know I will have difficulty paying, so I've been cut loose. I have a library of self help books and 4 or 5 specifically on ADD. I just can't seem read and follow thru on my own, or at least get it started. When my depression has been so bad (constant crying) because I feel so helpless w/ ADD, my MD suggested hospitalization. He's asked if I'm suicidal, and I've always let him know, "not yet" I don't want to be hospitalized for fear of unknown Dr.s drastically changing my meds and sending me into a downward spiral. Plus, what does a psy ward have to offer for ADD patients? They want to fix the depression, but I know I would not be so frustrated/ depressed if I could better understand ADD and get on track w/ some healthy ADD habits. The few good ADD habits I have, I've figured out on my own. Even the Psy Dr. at the MH clinic stated that she saw how motivated I am to do this work. This was discussed in '07 & '08, and appointments since then. Yet, she has not returned my calls & notes left @ her office. My weekly counselor went on med. leave 2 months ago and I have not been given another, though I've asked. I'm going to email copies of my reply to you to my MD and the administrator of the MH clinic.
Annie
Wow! What a lot of effort you've already put in! I'm going to forward your post to Dr. Hallowell and see if he has any suggestions. Given that it is almost the holiday and I know he is out of town, it may be a bit before he replies, though.
Melissa Orlov
OMG this is exactly what I
OMG this is exactly what I was looking for! My partner has add and we've been together nearly a year. I'm understanding and research a lot about it as I have done four years of psych at uni. Knowing a lot about it and that a lot of the things he does that hurt me arent his fault helps deal with the upset after it has happened and not fight with him. But I need something like this for him to actually realize what sort of stuff hurts me and what is related to his add because I feel like I have to deal with it all. Like hes said too bad its how i am not my fault so deal with it. Only part different is the sex part. He wants it all the time and as I am on antidepressents I have lmost zero sex drive. Of course he takes this personally as if I dont want him as much as he wants me. Could you write some more like what you have written above? thanks!
"It's Not My Fault, So Deal With It"
Are you on antidepressants as a result of being in a relationship with someone who is so unfeeling as to tell you "just deal with it"?!
In all seriousness, if you read further in this site you'll find lots of my responses talk specifically about the need for the ADHD person to take responsibility not only for their ADHD symptoms but also for the effect that those symptoms have on their spouse/partner.
Here's one post I put up that you may want to read - it's all about how both partners need to be responsible.
Let me see if I can put this in a way that makes sense. Your partner is right - having ADHD is not his fault. But is he also wrong - not dealing with having ADHD is totally his fault. No excuses for "deal with it" mentality in a "partnership" - that's not a partnership, that's a master and a slave.
So, as you progress through this relationship, start to stand up for yourself in a constructive way. Open up the channels of communication better so that he can't just shut you down with a "deal with it". Make sure that he hears you and starts responding to you. If he can't do that, find someone who will really be a "partner" to you.
As for the sex, were you attracted to him before you started the anti-depressants? If so, talk with your doctor about trying different anti-depressants. There may be some that will not affect your libido so much. It's at least worth a try, as this seems to be negatively impacting both of you.
Melissa Orlov
SOOOOOO Angry!
Dear Melissa,
Thank you so much for writing this. I feel as though you have stepped into my brain and written down almost everything that I have been thinking (and saying) to my husband. We just recently, this week actually, have nailed down that my husband has inattentive ADD. We are seriously on the brink of divorce because of it. I should clarify that statement, I am on the brink of divorce, my husband is unhappy I am sure, but would probably just go on forever the way we have been.....purely because it takes effort to make the decision to get a divorce. I have been reading nonstop all week about adult ADD and tips/guidelines on how to work around this in a marriage. I find I am having a huge problem switching my thinking to that of "this is a handicap and needs to be treated as such". I do truly believe the diagnosis, but have so much anger and resentment that has built up over the past 6 years and I fear I will never be able to let it go. I did not ask to be married to someone with this disorder, I did not expect my life to take this turn. I know my husband loves me, but I feel resentment that I have to schedule time for him to remember to show me. We have a two year old daughter and I am positively terrified that this has been passed on to her. Do you have some concrete tips that can help me let go of my anger so we can begin to work on saving our marriage? I truly love my husband and I DO want to stay married to him. I am willing to do what it takes to make that happen, but I AM STILL SO ANGRY! Thank you again from the depths of my heart and sould for writing this article.
Glad You Found This Site
Dear Tamara,
I, too, only found this site recently. Keep coming back. Melissa's words and experiences will give you great hope. Although I had read every book and article I could get my hands on, regarding adult ADD, it wasn't until I began reading other people's stories here, that I thought there might be a chance to save my marriage.
In the last month, just from putting into place some of Melissa's suggestions, I have seen a change in my attitude and miraclously my husband's actions. Good luck ~ I am glad you found this site.
Katherine
Sex and ADD
My husband has ADD and has recently read Dr. Hallowell's book. I was wondering if anyone else out there has had problems with their ADD partner completely losing interest in sex. A few months after the birth of our first child, my husbands desire to have sex completely left him. I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced this? We have not had sex in months.
Sex and ADD and Kids
If I had to guess, I would say that your issue isn't ADHD, but rather the fact that you now have your first child. This is unbelievably common, and can be fixed. You may want to consult your doctor about it for some tips.
A few things are going on here. Most likely, your first priority has shifted from him to your child. You aren't aware of the effect this may have, since this feels natural (if we weren't wired to do this, none of our squalling kids would survive to their first birthdays!) All joking aside, your husband has been pushed aside as the one and only human priority in your life. I'm guessing that the amount of time you are "intimately" involved with your child is significantly greater than the intimacy you are sharing with your husband right now.
Second, he has just watched you go through this huge, perhaps ungainly, physical change. Many men find they don't think of their sex-kitten wife the same ever again after this (there are probably all sorts of psychological theories about this...) He needs to ease back into understanding that you are still the same woman you were...only better.
Third, you may be more emotional than you were and, unless you are unique in the universe, you are certainly more tired than you were. So is he, for that matter. "Tired" and "sex" don't mesh very well. For that matter, "tired" and "ADD" don't mesh very well, either. Much easier to get distracted.
Fourth, he may have some concern about whether or not he might hurt you (though that may have vanished by now).
Get your doctor(s) involved, and take some time to put your baby SECOND, not first. If you are not breast feeding, take a REALLY, REALLY fun, romantic trip for several days and leave the baby with a friend, family member or professional baby sitter. Try to jump start your sex life (without pressure that will have him worrying about whether or not he might perform) or, at least, jump start your intimacy. From there, sex will follow.
Melissa Orlov
He doesn't even think about it!!
My ADD partner has absolutely no desire to have sex, so it seems. I often wonder if he is so wrapped up in his daily workload, I sometimes think he just doesn't even think about sex. The sexiest women on the planet could be standing naked in front of him and he wouldn't even be phased. He claims that he has always been a very non-sexual person, and this is one of our most heated issues. I do think that there may be underlying issues and also the current frustrations in our relationship could be causing the lack of desire to be intimate. I also noticed that even with the low sexual desire, once he started his ADD medication, his desire literally disappeared all together. There could be many causes to losing interest. Is he on medication? Maybe the hustle and bustle of a new baby makes it difficult to make time to think about other things going on. Would there be any chance in trying to stimulate intimacy outside of the bedroom, i.e., kissing, hugging, holding hands, affection, snuggling? Maybe slowly building on the small moments of closeness could help bring things back on track?
re: wit's end
I am so happy that I found this post. I have been married to my husband for 20 yrs. He was diagnosed with ADHD 16 years ago. He has been on all of the medications over the years. He has decided to go off all of the medications now because he feels that they cause his blood pressure to be elevated. We are just begun therapy for 3rd time. Everything is my fault according to him. I have ruined his life according to him. I do not eat the right foods, get enough sleep, talk the right way, etc.
I have read the books,tried various techniques, made the lists, etc but 70-80 of the time nothing gets done. I asked him to go to behavior therapy over the past 16 years as well as other physicians have recommended for help with the ADD. He refused saying meds work but therapy would not. When I asked him the other day why he had not gone, he blaimed me saying it was my fault. He said that I have never been offered support. He has serious memory issues-he picks up a word here and there and runs with it. He twists words, etc. states he never said anything. I am at the point of wanting to tape record conversations. He feels that if nothing on the lists ever gets done then that is ok and it is my problem. I do not pester him about it. I know it is the trigger point. HIs temper tantrums are out of control.
When I went to therapy with him the other day (couples) of the 50 minute session, he spoke for 40 minutes of it about my lack of support, etc.
I have seen someone as well who happens to treat people with ADD. He said they cannot help it but that does not relieve them of responsibility. My husband feels that he has no responsibility.
I need some tips, advice anything at this point to help.
To Sandy
First, keep up the therapy, particularly if the person is familiar with ADD issues (if they aren't, then perhaps you need a therapist who is, since they seem to be playing a role here). Therapists will let him talk for a while, but then a good therapist will start to get at the issues...he/she won't be fooled by your husband's claim that it's all your fault. Every therapist KNOWS that it is NEVER just one person's fault...EVER!
Meds do work, but research shows over and over again that meds alone do not work nearly as well as medication and "behavior therapy". That is, someone needs to help your husband understand how to move forward constructively with his life now that the meds take away some of the worst ADD symptoms that have been getting in the way. (And, by the way, if he still has anger issues, then it sounds as if his treatment is not complete...) Perhaps a coach can help, or a therapist, or a professional organizer....depending upon his specific issues.
So, is he currently off the meds right now? Some meds do affect blood pressure, I believe (but I'm not a doc - I could be wrong) but there are others. Ask him to explore his options with his doctor, since his ability to control his ADD is critical to you and your relationship. They ought to be able to figure something out. Exercise and diet also play a role in blood pressure, so he may want to talk with his doc about that, too.
Your husband is just wrong when he says he has no responsibility for his ADD. He has no responsibility for having ADD, but he does have a responsibility to work to control the symptoms that get in the way of the two of you having a healthy relationship. Perhaps it's time to communicate that more clearly to him? At the same time, ask your therapist what he/she notes in how the two of you interact. You don't want to be contributing to his issues by enabling him/ mothering him/ nagging him, etc.
Let us know how it goes...and share what you learn, if you can, so others can get the benefit of your experiences.
Melissa Orlov
I need coping tips!!
My ADD Husband and I have been married almost four years, we have a wonderful child and are about to have another in two weeks. He has been on meds (vyvanse right now) for 5 years (give or take a few "med vacations" he has self-imposed every now and again). He also has mild tourettes and suffered from OCD (we think) when he was younger - it was never diagnosed.
I was the one who researched and asked him see an ADD specialist. I have tried to get him to go to counseling, which he vehemently refuses. But I'm at least happy he is on medication.
Even with the meds. though, he is so wrapped up in himself and work that I don't believe he thinks of me at all. He owns an expanding construction company - a very tough business - there have been so many ups and downs that accompany work issues (that also directly affects the way he treats me). He is very "Big Picture" oriented and frequently lets details slip through the cracks, but is finally putting together better staff support at work to help him sort out his strengths and weaknesses. He has been pretty successful and I am proud of him, as he has built the company from nothing!
He shuns intimacy and emotion and never tries to understand what I am going through. That can really beat you down! He is hyper-critical of the way I do things and frequently looks for things to pick on me about. The problem is, he is such a hypocrite! IE: If he loses his sunglasses, he blames me for not paying attention to where he put them. And god forbid if I can't find my sunglasses - he acts like it's the end of the world and lectures me on how disorganized I am. There are so many things like this - he seems to seek out my imperfections (the very same imperfections he has). He tends to treat me like an enemy rather than a partner. I'm sick of getting picked on! Sometimes I tell him he should have married a robot. I am far from perfect, but he is looking for perfection that he lacks in me!!! His standards for me are much higher than those for himself - am I making any sense? What is really sad is that I think we could have a really beautiful marriage if we form a partnership...
I think right now, I am very emotional, about to give birth and I'm feeling depressed at the way he's treating me at the moment. It's nothing new, but I am a little sick of being blamed for EVERYTHING these days. There is no consideration at all for the the household tasks and running around I do with our amazing 2 year old while 8 months pregnant. (BTW, he is wonderful with our daughter, but sometimes is extremely verbally abusive to me in front of her.) I just don't feel like I have any support form him emotionally.
There is so much more I can say about the way her treats me, I just need to focus right now on things I can do to get better results from him.
Can you help?
I get really down on myself and wonder what I have done to deserve this treatment, then I remember his diagnosis. I have never really understood what I'm supposed to do in reaction to his actions - One thing is for sure, crying or yelling does not work - it only makes him angrier and more rude.
There are so many issues - from his OBSESSION with getting organized - that NEVER comes to fruition to his lack of consideration for my feelings, I just need to find better ways to cope with his rude behavior when he gets like this. I am a very understanding wife and I want to be a partner instead of the enemy...
Coping with Rude Behavior
Right now, and into the immediate future, I would focus on yourself - having the baby, and getting through the emotional ups and downs that come with birth and hormone fluctuations.
After that, I think you are allowing him to treat you in a way that shouldn't be acceptable. He may want to chew you out about why you didn't notice where he put his sunglasses, but let's face it, you aren't his slave. His sunglasses are his responsibility. If you happen to be able to help him locate them when he asks nicely for your assistance, that's great, but you are not his slave nor his wardrobe director.
You, and your children, deserve to be respected. Your husband, too, deserves respect...in other words, once you get past your pregnancy, the next step is going to be standing up for yourself...nicely but firmly. It's a little bit like kids - if you continue to let them whine and show them that that is the way to get things, they will. This isn't because they are kids, it's because they are human...
Don't fall into the trap of being mean, or angry or depressed. Conduct your business with the highest standards - the idea of "treat your neighbors as you would like to be treated yourself" also holds true in marriages. Treat your spouse as you would like him to treat you.
As for depression... if you continue to feel depressed, please go see a doctor about it and try some meds once you are no longer nursing. Anti-depressants can make turning things around easier if you tolerate them.
So, you are responsible for you...and your kids...and being the good, thoughtful, strong person you can be.
Melissa Orlov
Thank You...I will keep trying.
Thank you so much for responding to me.
I tried to conduct the "business" I have with my husband with the highest of standards this evening, but he's like the Karl Rove of husband-dom. - he turns everything around on me and tries to make me feel like it's my fault for our problems.
So tonight I read "The Care and Feeding of a Non-Add Spouse" aloud to my husband. Most of it expresses exactly what I feel in a very non-threatening way. He said he wanted to hear it, but after I finished reading it, he actually said to me "What if I don't even have ADHD? Maybe my doctor diagnoses everyone who walks through the door with ADHD." - Which totally threw me for a loop. This man is classic ADHD, has been diagnosed and has been taking medication for ADHD for years.
He always tries to turn the tables on me when I express my feelings to him. That's why his rude behavior has become a kind of standard in our household - I have pretty much stopped trying to tell him what bothers me, because I get no results. Or he tries to tell me it's something I'm doing. It's extremely frustrating!!
Then I listed all the reasons why I believe he does have ADHD and he asked me to read "Care and Feeding" again. So (with trepidation because I was completely annoyed by this point), I read it again. When I was finished he asked "So what do you want me to do?" I said I wanted some attention to my feelings, some validation that he's thinking of me, has some regard for the fact that I'm having another baby, taking care of our daughter, etc. and he said that he would try to do those things.
Then not even one minute later, he went into a tirade about the fact that I have not paid our bills yet this month. I can't pay the monthly bills because the check HE deposited into our account hasn't cleared yet. Then out of the blue he says I have to do a spreadsheet itemizing all the things we've spent money on in the past few months - then he will be a happier person.
I tell him I need some emotional attention and he says I need to do a spreadsheet. He turned the whole discussion into a completely different issue, one that I have no control over, as I am a stay at home mother and he has been the monetary provider for the past few years. Then he stormed off and went to bed.
I don't even feel like bringing any of this up again to him, because it's simply frustrating! I'm so emotionally starved in this relationship I could scream!
I am trying to communicate and he is completely disconnected. I need therapy!!! This is mental torture!
I remember this phase...
I remember (oh, so clearly!) the phase when my husband's primary goal seemed to be to pick a fight with me. Didn't matter what I did, or how nicely I said something to him, he just HAD to fight with me. The form that this took, which drove me INSANE was that no matter what I would say, he would pick some tiny little (unimportant) fact out of my statement, and start arguing about the fact. Or, just as you have experienced, I would be talking about something emotional, and he would respond with something else (like the spreadsheet in your example). It absolutely enraged me that he would ignore the main ideas and concepts I was trying to communicate and focus on something trivial, just so we could fight. He's a very intelligent man, so I knew that what he was doing was something other than misunderstanding me.
As I look back on it, I think that that was his way of responding to the fact that I was trying to control his life. He wouldn't have been able to verbalize this (nor would I have, at the time) and would have told you that the little nitpicky things that he wanted to argue about were IMPORTANT (bullshit!). The things weren't important at all, but what was important was that he was fighting. He felt trapped, and was lashing out, in the same way that a wild animal might fight and injure himself when put into a cage.
What made this whole scenario worse was that I was feeling completely trapped at the time by his behavior. Everything he didn't do affected me to the negative. I was tired, angry, frustrated....all the things that you are now.
You hit it on the head, actually, with these words "...He turned the whole discussion into a completely different issue, one that I have no control over..." Those are telling words...this is a fight over control, one that is happening at two levels - overtly (who will be in control over finances, time, child rearing etc) and one that is covert - (who is in charge of whom? Who will be dominant in the relationship? Whose needs will be met "more"? Who will take the blame for all of the bad stuff that is happening?)
My husband posted recently and talked about the anger issue from his perspective (that of an ADDer) He said that the hardest thing for him was to understand that he even was angry, even when I was pointing it out to him over and over again. A.) He didn't believe it and B.) he had no idea what impact his anger had on me or on others until he worked for a wildy ADD boss whose anger got in the way of pretty much everything the company tried to do.
My advice to you remains somewhat the same - the most important thing is to focus on you right now, to try to minimize your stress. If you are willing to engage a counsellor, particularly one who understands ADD, I think that might be helpful support for you. In addition, check your email for a note from me.
Melissa Orlov
Burnt out
I’m very grateful for the “care and feeding" section. In 2005 when we first faced this, I was looking for a non-ADD spouse forum, book, website and couldn’t find a thing. I read a lot of the posts here and am happy to finally hear “my story”.
We found out a few years ago that DH had ADHD, on the brink of me asking him to leave our home. I stopped then because we finally had an answer for why he was distracted and had difficulty finishing things, etc, etc.
Once we found out I read all of the books and he read some too. We’ve been married 12 yrs now and have three school age children and we conflict a lot on their parenting as well. I had an understanding of what we were dealing with, so I chose to hang on.
Fast forward three years, two counselors and countless arguments/discussions and things are the same, worse really, because now I don’t care.
I’m not perfect but I really have done all of the things to cope. I “fight fair”, I accept him without being co-dependant, and I’ve learned to do without (a.k.a. give up 50% of what you want.). We make couple time-but I don’t care I’d just as soon be out with a girlfriend. He misses something I catch it or I don’t. I’m just burnt out.
One of the things I read about was the anger. ADDer’s have trouble recognizing how their anger impacts those around them. I can’t get past how mean and nasty he is to the children and me but not to others. He’s kind and patient with everyone, but the people “dearest” to him. This doesn’t seem like he doesn’t realize, in fact it seems just the opposite: he’s a fake, trying to impress others.
I have taken the approach of enjoying my life and kinda waiting for my kids to grow up some more before I separate or divorce. It’s just too much work, but at the same time I don’t want the kids to suffer (any more than they already are) with the added problem of a divorce -it would break their hearts.
I guess I just needed to tell my story, and see if there are other outcomes when you just don’t care anymore.
Thanks
wow, hit the nail on the head whydontcha~!
I have just emailed this blog to my hubby. weve recently had a bad blow up (which resulted in me hitting him for invading my space and them him locking me out of the house all night). were barely speaking right now. its pretty bad. i hope he reads this and i hope things get better.