The Care and Feeding of a Non-ADD Spouse

I read the post on what we non-adders really want....and it's not more sex or attention or time with someone we don't have a positive image about. That's the LAST thing I want. I want stability and consistancy....the ability to trust what he says will actually happen. Follow through, I want to believe in him again. I want the cyclical mistakes to stop and when he tells me he gets it or understands that 2 weeks later we don't end up at square one fighting the same battles again. I want the burdens of my doing everything to be lifted, for him to take up his cross and not make me always have to "follow up" after him like he's my 12 yr old. I want the security of knowing that he has our best interest at heart, I don't want to have to worry that he's making stupid decisions again. I don't always want to brace for the worst because I've learned from experience that's what I'll get, I want to let my guard down to be a lovable wife....

I WANT A GROWN MAN....not a little boy. I want my husband that I once loved and respected back!

Can I have a slice of that please!?!??!?!

Has your husband read any of Dr. Hallowell's books?  If not, this would be the time to start, I think.  He would be ahead if he could differentiate between "garden variety growing up disobediance" and "I didn't get that done because I was distracted and have ADHD disobedience".

I started out as a pretty tough disciplinarian, but have mellowed over the years as I have learned more about ADHD and the needs of kids who have it.  They need patience (this is trying sometimes, as you know!) and love, and a "safe" place.  But that said, they also do need consequences because some day they will be out in the world and the world has consequences.  Better that they figure out how to deal while still in your protective cocoon before they are out of the house...so you may find that you may need to determine where to draw some tough lines, too.

Here's a story that might illustrate.  My daughter used to be late for the bus pretty much every day.  She tried multiple alarms, I tried yelling at her.  I tried begging her.  But many mornings I found myself jumping in the car to drive her to school.  Finally, when she was in 9th grade, her doctor pointed out that this was a terrible way for everyone to start the day - way too stressful for us both - and suggested that I stop giving her a backup plan.  She suggested that if Kat missed the bus she should have to ride her bike the 4 miles to school.

This was hard for me to contemplate, but it was harder to think about stressing out every morning, so we tried it, with a modification...if she missed the bus she would have to get herself to a different stop about 4 blocks away where the bus arrived 15 minutes later.  If she missed that, it was the bike.

After having to walk to the other stop several times in the middle of winter she started paying attention to her alarms, and managed (if I made her breakfast to go) usually to get to her own stop (right next to our house).  It was hard for me to watch her struggle, but in the end she learned some valuable skills.  And, I admit, I did drive her a couple of times (but only a couple) in the winter when she missed both busses because I knew she was trying really hard and for the most part successful.

Moral of the story - a good crock pot is one in which all the flavors blend together.  See what you can do to make sure you're not enabling your kids, and see if your husband is willing to learn a bit more about ADHD.  Who knows, maybe as he learns he'll benefit, himself.

Melissa Orlov

You don't mention whether or not you've sought out the assistance of a professional counsellor for your grief and, perhaps, to explore why you aren't able to connect.  If you haven't done so, I would suggest it.  ADHD shouldn't prevent you from having relationships, but perhaps a poor family situation has made connection more difficult for you?

Connection is really, really important to your mental and physical health.  Since you seem to wish to be connected, I think continuing to pursue what isn't working for you is worthwhile.  If you haven't tried a counsellor, please do!

Melissa Orlov

Are you on antidepressants as a result of being in a relationship with someone who is so unfeeling as to tell you "just deal with it"?!

In all seriousness, if you read further in this site you'll find lots of my responses talk specifically about the need for the ADHD person to take responsibility not only for their ADHD symptoms but also for the effect that those symptoms have on their spouse/partner.

Here's one post I put up that you may want to read - it's all about how both partners need to be responsible.

Let me see if I can put this in a way that makes sense.  Your partner is right - having ADHD is not his fault.  But is he also wrong - not dealing with having ADHD is totally his fault.  No excuses for "deal with it" mentality in a "partnership" - that's not a partnership, that's a master and a slave.

So, as you progress through this relationship, start to stand up for yourself in a constructive way.  Open up the channels of communication better so that he can't just shut you down with a "deal with it".  Make sure that he hears you and starts responding to you.  If he can't do that, find someone who will really be a "partner" to you.

As for the sex, were you attracted to him before you started the anti-depressants?  If so, talk with your doctor about trying different anti-depressants.  There may be some that will not affect your libido so much.  It's at least worth a try, as this seems to be negatively impacting both of you.

Melissa Orlov

I understand exactly what you are talking about,  I think about it all the time.  Can I let this anger go and how do I move forward?  I just wanted you to know that I am in the same situation  If I get any good tips I will let you know

If I had to guess, I would say that your issue isn't ADHD, but rather the fact that you now have your first child.  This is unbelievably common, and can be fixed.  You may want to consult your doctor about it for some tips.

A few things are going on here.  Most likely, your first priority has shifted from him to your child.  You aren't aware of the effect this may have, since this feels natural (if we weren't wired to do this, none of our squalling kids would survive to their first birthdays!)  All joking aside, your husband has been pushed aside as the one and only human priority in your life.  I'm guessing that the amount of time you are "intimately" involved with your child is significantly greater than the intimacy you are sharing with your husband right now.

Second, he has just watched you go through this huge, perhaps ungainly, physical change.  Many men find they don't think of their sex-kitten wife the same ever again after this (there are probably all sorts of psychological theories about this...)  He needs to ease back into understanding that you are still the same woman you were...only better.

Third, you may be more emotional than you were and, unless you are unique in the universe, you are certainly more tired than you were.  So is he, for that matter.  "Tired" and "sex" don't mesh very well.  For that matter, "tired" and "ADD" don't mesh very well, either.  Much easier to get distracted.

Fourth, he may have some concern about whether or not he might hurt you (though that may have vanished by now).

Get your doctor(s) involved, and take some time to put your baby SECOND, not first.  If you are not breast feeding, take a REALLY, REALLY fun, romantic trip for several days and leave the baby with a friend, family member or professional baby sitter.  Try to jump start your sex life (without pressure that will have him worrying about whether or not he might perform) or, at least, jump start your intimacy.  From there, sex will follow.

Melissa Orlov

I'm new to this forum, but wanted to comment on this topic. Yes, I've experienced my adhd husband pretty much turning the sex spigot off shortly after we got married. We've been married 26 years, and the past 10 years we only have sex 3 to 4 times a year. It's AWFUL. It doesn't matter how many things I've done to try to make it exciting or fun or whatever. He AVOIDS it at all costs. I've always kept myself in pretty good shape, I've tried to be understanding and patient, but me not getting ANY of my sexual needs met has been very, very frustrating. I've run out of ways to explain things to him. A counselor asked me if I had done that, and I told her I had explained things in so many different ways, that I've run out of ways TO explain what I need, what I want, and even just plain what I would LIKE.

   His refusal to accomodate ANYthing sexually has become a real sore spot in our marriage. And, his REFUSAL to even discuss the subject is beyond comprehension. What do  you do in THOSE cases? He has told me that sex is a "natural" thing and shouldn't be planned" out, even though our counselor told him otherwise. This is one subject he simply refuses to deal with at all. It has made me feel very unloved, unwanted and rejected as a wife and as a woman. I've looked for help and yet havent been able to find it on this subject.

dede

First, keep up the therapy, particularly if the person is familiar with ADD issues (if they aren't, then perhaps you need a therapist who is, since they seem to be playing a role here).  Therapists will let him talk for a while, but then a good therapist will start to get at the issues...he/she won't be fooled by your husband's claim that it's all your fault.  Every therapist KNOWS that it is NEVER just one person's fault...EVER!

Meds do work, but research shows over and over again that meds alone do not work nearly as well as medication and "behavior therapy".  That is, someone needs to help your husband understand how to move forward constructively with his life now that the meds take away some of the worst ADD symptoms that have been getting in the way.  (And, by the way, if he still has anger issues, then it sounds as if his treatment is not complete...)  Perhaps a coach can help, or a therapist, or a professional organizer....depending upon his specific issues.

So, is he currently off the meds right now?  Some meds do affect blood pressure, I believe (but I'm not a doc - I could be wrong) but there are others.  Ask him to explore his options with his doctor, since his ability to control  his ADD is critical to you and your relationship.  They ought to be able to figure something out.  Exercise and diet also play a role in blood pressure, so he may want to talk with his doc about that, too.

Your husband is just wrong when he says he has no responsibility for his ADD.  He has no responsibility for having ADD, but he does have a responsibility to work to control the symptoms that get in the way of the two of you having a healthy relationship.  Perhaps it's time to communicate that more clearly to him?  At the same time, ask your therapist what he/she notes in how the two of you interact.  You don't want to be contributing to his issues by enabling him/ mothering him/ nagging him, etc.

Let us know how it goes...and share what you learn, if you can, so others can get the benefit of your experiences.

Melissa Orlov

It's very common that the non-ADD spouse loses interest in sex.  If feeling like a parent isn't enough (who wants to have sex with a child?!) then feeling as if he ignores you every moment of the day except when he wants sex will build up a well of resentment sure to ruin your romance.

Your feelings of loneliness are actually your worst issue, I think.  One can live without sex for a while (there's always masturbation) but isolation is awful, not to mention proven bad for your health.

There are a few things that you need to know, right now.  First, it is likely that your husband's lack of attention towards you (which is making you lonely) is not intended to hurt you.  Chances are good (unless your relationship is really, really in a bad place) that if you ask him today if he loves you his answer would be "yes" or "of course"!  His lack of attention is likely due to two things - his ADD symptom of distractability (which means he's often elsewhere mentally) and, probably by now, your responses to him, which are causing him to further distance himself from you.  I am going to suggest that you read some specific posts to help you start learning more about how all this works (wish I had my book ready...this is something I address in Section 1!) and see if it may help you a bit.  So, try these posts:

What Lack of Focus Means

The ADHD Marriage Balancing Act

The Care and Feeding of the Non-ADD Spouse

The last will help you see that you really aren't alone...

This is a start...there are many who are dealing with this issue at the site...if you explore you will find more.

Melissa