Calling Non-ADD Spouses - Your Tips for Making Your Marriage Work
I've been reading an interesting forum posting series from non-ADD spouses about the kinds of things they say helps them navigate their relationships. I would love to hear from more of you. What works for you? What tips would you give others? You've seen lots of what I write...now it's your turn to "dole out the advice"! And, if you want to read that forum, go to this link. (But please put your ideas attached to this blog post so that others can easily find them!)
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Oh the joys of marriage...
Oh the joys of marriage... as if the word alone does not pose enough anxiety and concern! Then, you mix in a little AD/HD to the recipe and some children...oh, and don't forget the family dog (and cat, and fish, and bunny, and turtles, and a squaking bird as in my case) and a unless you laugh A LOT, you have a total mess! Why is it that the AD/HD house always seems to be in total choas? ...and even the pets seem to have contracted the disorder! The yard cluttered with creative messes and projects incomplete ( the antique car, the barn with missing shingles, the grass manicured in circles in some places and others where "we just forgot to go back") Then the parent without AD/HD gets like the family pet, something I call, situational aquired AD/HD "SAAD" ...because you don't know where to begin and your mind is overwhelmed with everything that has to get done, and you procrastinate and lose sight of time management! Laugh...and tackle each step with authority and extreme hyperfocus. I've had to send all the AD/HDers in my house out for a family (minus me) vacation to clean out the house and hyper organize. It works... when everything has a place and there is a place for everything...everyone is accountable! Understanding is also crutial...nobody wants to hurt anyone in a family, and AD/HD is not something that is desired to have by anyone. Love one another!
ADD in Marriage
I can get myself in a funk in record time if I think of all the broken promises, bounced checks, unfinished chores and mountains of clutter. I'm still a bit new at navigating this road, but what I've learned thus far is:
1. My husband doesn't forget things / not follow through to purposely irritate me or be malicious. This has taken YEARS to sink in.
2. Ask / remind nicely. Don't nag. Better yet, write it down on a list somewhere he will see it, let it go or do it myself.
3. Life runs smoother if the non-ADD spouse (ME) is in charge of the calendar and money.
4. Check out www.organizedhome.com for great ideas about organizing and getting rid of clutter. We have a ways to go, but we're getting there.
5. For whatever reason, my husband connects with computers and machines better than people. I talk more with him via Instant Messenger than in person quite often. I can't say I like it that way, but it works.
6. Honor your spouse's journey and quest for health and wholeness. I can't dictate to my husband what to do next-what drug to try, what food to eliminate.....it's really up to him. I will let him know when he appears to be "stuck" and not moving forward toward health and wholeness. I will let him know when his action / inaction affects me and ask if we can come up with some better ways of doing things.
7. ADD is often connected to poor sleep / snoring which can be triggered by food allergies. Dairy and wheat are usually the worst offenders.
8. Try to establish predictable routines while understanding ADD brains have difficulty establishing habits. (This one seems like an uphill battle at times)
9. The best advice comes from my Mom-always focus on the good and the positive. My husband is one of the best dads i have ever met. He is so creative and plays games frequently with our boys. He's very much a part of their life.
I hope this helps someone out there.
Blessings to you
Frazzledmom in WA
Non-ADHD er's Experience
Well, it certainly presents its challenges being married to a man with ADHD. He has anxiety to go along with it which in itself can be challeging. It is nice to here the other two women who posted that go through similar experiences with thier husbands! My husband is very loving and sentimental but as life presents more stress and challenges in having a mortgage, stressful work schedule and child it can be pretty hard for him to handle. The forgetfulness and lack of focus can be especially difficult since I am a big multitasker and organizer . This is what is the most frustrating for me as the non-ADHDer feeling like I have to organize and handle most things especially the "to do " list around the house etc.
I find over the past few months that if I validate my husband and not appear nagging in my requests I get a better response albeit still may not complete tasks. The more I seemed to validate his worth to me and our family the more close he would appear to me. When I used to come on stronger of feeling down or burdened by his issues the more he would distance himself. The more I moved him toward getting evaluated for ADHD and try a med the more he bucks on it. Our daughter has ADHD and they are like two peas in a pod in thier ways. Needless to say being the non-ADHDer makes it very difficult in picking up the slack for both in one household.
I would love to know how to balance the frustration I face with his apparent need for vailidation that will make us both happy in the end.
Thanks!
Kim
Validation and happiness
I think the answer to your question about balancing validation and happiness is held in the previous response from the woman who feels she "completes" her husband. You must genuinely find the place where you appreciate what your husband has to offer. Validation can't just be a communication device that you use as a means to an end. It needs to be a genuine part of how you feel else you end up feeling a bit empty - as if you are "pretending" in order to get what you want. (That said, you are right - approaching things from the positive does work better than approaching things from the negative).
As with the previous reader, counselling may help you identify those positives, or perhaps some journal writing will help you sort it all out. Also, though this sounds a bit silly, I sometimes find that when I move from a positive outlook to a more negative outlook, that hanging little notes on my mirror that I see first thing in the morning helps remind me where my head needs to be. I just came across one from some of my worst days that said "Love helps good things grow" that I had posted at one point to remind myself to behave and live in a loving manner. It made me smile because I realized how far I had come from the days when I neede to remind myself that - now it's just a part of our days (and, happily, it includes accepting my husband for who he is, with lots of positive feedback.)
As for the anxiety, if he's not treating it (or his ADD) he might want to pay attention. Living with too much anxiety is not healthy for anyone.
Melissa
my amazing husband
Oh this is all my story, everything everyone else is saying. For years and years I was so angry with my guy for always feeling like I have to do everything, the finances, organizing, cleaning, calendar, household any and everything. For me just knowing and having a thing to call this was huge, after he was diagnosed.
I would suggest the biggest thing a married couple can do, aside from seeking the various therapies, is to go to counseling together. It helped us tremendously and we were never unstable in our marriage relationship, I think counseling makes a good marriage even better. Mostly it helped me understand why the things that are difficult for ADD adults really are just super hard, it wasn't laziness or ignoring me and my needs for help. It also helped me focus on the positive. He is just an awesome person, a great dad, a creative genius and he loves me like crazy and counseling helped me to appreciate those things more.
Also during the time we were in counseling he was diagnosed with sleep apnea and using a cpap machine has helped him with his impulsivity and anger, to stay focused more, which in turn has helped our marriage as well. From what I a have read a lot of ADD people may have sleep issues either causing this or alongside the symptoms.
I have decided that I am my husband's partner, I signed on for that when I said forever,no matter what. Now I am proud that I am able to balance him, to fill in for those deficits that he has. I am the other half of him and I complete him, as he does for me in terms of creativity and emotional stability. So I just know that doing more than most people define as my "fair share" is a part of that and I am good at it and he really isn't. Anyway there's lots more to say but I hope this little bit can be helpful for others.