ADHD Marriage - I'm "Tired Out"
Posted October 3rd, 2007 by MelissaOrlov
We received this question from a reader:
"How can an ADHD affected spouse get a job and hold it to earn a living if he cannot find his keys/wallet/cellphone etc? How can a spouse NOT be tired out by repeated same scenarios of disorder and chaos repeatedly discussed and never changing?"
These are questions that cut to the heart of the long-term ADHD relationship. I would like to address the non-ADHD spouse first, then circle back to the ADHD spouse.
There is no doubt that living with a person with chronic symptoms of ADHD can be exhausting and difficult. You want for your spouse to do well and live a life that is not plagued by things that hurt him. You also want to be in a position where you are not always in charge of cleaning up the mess. If he can’t get a job, you feel greater pressure to support the two of you. If he can’t find his car keys, you feel the need to help him so he can get out the door for his next appointment. If your house is in constant disarray, you may be bothered by the overwhelming nature of the clutter. You didn’t think, when you married him, that this is what you had signed on for.
What would happen if you thought about your relationship somewhat differently? Presumably, he had these same tendencies before you were married, and the two of you loved being with each other enough that you decided to get married. How did you (and, more importantly, he) deal with the issues then? How did he find his car keys then? How did you manage the piles everywhere? Was he employed? In what sort of job? What was your attitude towards his inconsistencies way back when?
Let me give you some ideas that come from my own relationship. As the spouse of an ADHD person, I found that during our marriage my expectations changed about how we should “be together”. Perhaps it was the long-term nature of the marriage commitment that did it, perhaps it was that my husband had been on his best behavior while we were dating and first living together (aren’t we all?!), perhaps it was the addition of children to the mix. In any event, I found that I was more frustrated with his behavior once the knot was tied than I had been before. It took me many, many years to identify that change and determine that this wasn’t really fair and was destructive to our relationship. By focusing on my husband’s shortcomings, rather than on his strengths, I was creating an environment in which he “failed” to meet my expectations more and more often. This created a downward spiral for our relationship – he did something irritating, I respond negatively, he resented my response and therefore had no incentive to stop the behavior and did it again, I responded again.
I do not know if you are in this cycle or not, but if you are, please take a hard look at whether or not you are able to lovingly accept him as he is. He is behaving in a way that is not in the best interests of your relationship right now, but there is a person under that behavior that was someone you fell in love with. See if you can get back in touch with the positives you loved so dearly before.
Note that I am NOT saying that you are responsible for your husband’s inability to organize himself. But it is easier for him to TALK about change than to try to DO change when he is, somewhere inside, a bit afraid of failing again in the eyes of someone he loves.
That said, let’s address the ADHD spouse. It is very important for you to learn more and more about his ADHD and about how you (the ADD spouse) might manage it. The learning and talking is exciting! BUT, talking is NOT the same thing as doing, for either you or your partner. People with ADHD CAN AND DO learn how to organize themselves. Sometimes their solutions are very creative, sometimes they involve outside people, lots of post-it notes or other tools. For some couples, the solution is to separate out their assets (and sometimes even living arrangements) so that they are not so entangled. Often solutions to ADHD problems include medications that help with memory and focus.
You need to internalize the fact that if you want your relationship with your wife to last, it is your responsibility to take some action – sooner rather than later. Small signs of real progress are extremely encouraging to a non-ADD spouse. These signs don’t have to be big things, but they do have to happen in order for her to not become overwhelmed by her frustration. Talk with her about this: If you two had to focus on changing one thing first, what would that thing be? How could you do it? What kind of support and encouragement would you like to see from her? How will you know when you’ve reached your goal and can start on something else? What is it that you must DO (not talk about or learn about)? Try to take as little time as possible talking - perhaps 10 minutes if you can manage it - to discuss these questions with your spouse. THEN, DO some of the changes. It is just simply not enough to talk.
It is important that you continue to learn about ADHD and about yourself, and the learning points you on the road to being better able to manage your ADHD. But, for your spouse, it is the DOING, not the learning, that is the help. She is living everyday with what you DO, not what you THINK. If you can figure out the tactics that work for you to meet her a bit more in the middle, you will provide her the hope that she needs to be able to start to accept you and your progress more actively. Her sense of hope is just as critical to your success as a couple as your ability to manage your ADD. Without action, you crush her hope and she then becomes an additional part of your problem.
I get the impression that you love each other, and are trying to move ahead. The non-ADD spouse needs to remind herself of the positive (perhaps thinking back to the beginnings of the relationship) and try to put herself into a mindset to let go of the irritations as much as possible in an effort to smooth out the day-to-day. The ADD husband needs to start narrowing his focus to make some small victories that the two of you can celebrate together. Perhaps then you’ll both be able to gain some much-needed hope that will point you in the direction you wish to travel together.
As for the job issue, not all jobs need one to be super-organized. If you can afford to do so, consider trying to get some small victories at home first that will provide you both with a more optimistic outlook, then think creatively about his field of expertise to see if there are previously unexplored options that you can add to your job search that might better match his skill set. A career counselor could probably help you with this, as well as polishing his resume in a way that downplays the number of jobs he may already have held.
Readers, do you have these issues? What are your experiences? How have you managed? We enjoy hearing from you - feel free to post your comments and questions.
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re: ADHD Marriage - I'm "Tired Out"
I am so excited to read your book in regard to relationships---this is the main thing that is a struggle for me.
It effects the intimacy issue because once my meds wear off, I feel too drained to even focus on anything.
It comes across as not having interest in him, that is not the issue. I am just pooped---and it gives me anxiety that once again, I won't be alive enough to be "present". Is anyone else dealing with this?
Also, I am late for everything and the piles in the house are out of control even when I attempt to control them.
re: ADHD Marriage - I'm "Tired Out"
Dr. Hallowell,
two questions speaking as an educator:
1. What specific articles would you recommend that I refer reluctant first grader's parents to read in regard to risks of NOT identifying ADHD issues.I am dumbfounded as to the number of people who won't medicate when it is a cut and dried case of "race car brain impulsivity" --the kind that seems to push everyone away and make grown-ups despize them even when we KNOW the real issue is ADHD.I see them being criminals in the future if we don't do something--
2. When does a 504 plan become necessary? Why are so many kids allowed to slip through the cracks when ADHD has been diagnosed-and they are smart kids--who are failing middle school.
What can we do to help these kids embrace their ADHD --accept it as not such a bad thing--but a different way their brains work???
I would very much appreciate if you sent a note of encouragement to a former student of mine: He is really struggling with his self esteem....he thinks he is a freak or something....his parents are trying to get him help and are waiting for an evaluation. The mother is a teacher as well and she is terrific with kids. It seems the average person sees ADHD as the same as believing in the tooth fairy. If you haven't raised a child with ADHD or been one yourself, you can't understand the struggle.
How can we get your message out about the "race car brain" and help these kids embrace who they are? I am trying to be like your 1st grade teacher and be that "light" with my arm around these kids who can't read or who are not following me when I speak. But then they go on to the next grade---and life isn't prepared to put their arm around them and slow them down to help them think. They need your kind encouragement.
Please send a note of to a boy named Max. He needs your help. He can't find his assignments even when he did them. He is starting to feel like he isn't the awesome kid that he is.
Please send him some encouraging words--maybe tell him your story.
I beg you to send him some hope:
(Address taken out)
Why does it have to be such a BAD thing to have this brain? It isn't the end of the world--it is just different and it is time teachers catch up on ADHD information.
Can you write a book for kids -especially middle school kids?? They need your voice--they need your kindness and your positive twist about ADHD.
I emailed you earlier when your daughter was about to graduate last spring. You responded to me and I appreciated it. I truly think you are a wonderful person.
The same goes for Sari and all the others...your books have been such a help to me.
Sincerely, Shawna
re: ADHD Marriage - I'm "Tired Out"
Speaking at an ADHD combination type Aderall/Effexor treated FEMALE who is also in menopause (due to cancer) who works with 22 first graders on a daily basis (5 NON-medicated ADD/ADHD students), who also has a kindergarten "Mini-Me" daughter who also has the same issues (now on her 5th medicine since July).("race car brain"--Hallowell)--
I have PILES everywhere that I do attempt to tame, however, I forget what where everything is, can't seem to file it/throw it. I am late all the time--and right when I am almost on time, my kids throw a kink in that due to temper tantrums or NOT following directions/routines. By the end of the day when the meds have worn off, it is as if my brain overloads and I just have to go to bed. I am exhausted. I look at a pile of socks in my child's room and I literally can't sort them. I just can't function.
It drives my husband crazy as he is very helpful and tries to get our laundry caught up.
Is this normal. It is like I turn into a pumpkin at 10:00 and I can't talk or move. I try taking an amphetimine salt (per dr. orders) at 3:00 but I still can't stay with it.
My children are late to bed and difficult to rise....and this also contributes to the chaos at bedtime. I feel like I am insensitive to my husband, but I need to sleep in order to function the next day.
How likely is it that my son who is also on the go with have ADHD? He is 3.
Thanks to all the professionals that are donating their lives to ADHD and helping us live productive lives.
re: ADHD Marriage - I'm "Tired Out"
There's a big difference between "hurt, resentment and doubt" and expressing what is nothing more than bigotry towards their spouse in a public forum. Neurotypicals don't just feel that people with ADD are defective -- they get the extra charge of feeling morally superior.
That's just abusive, and no, I wouldn't put up with it.
At home we have a set of DVDs showing the earliest Mickey Mouse cartoons. Many of them contained offensive stereotypes about black people, and so each one is prefaced by a short statement by the movie critic Leonard Maltin, explaining that no one approves of that kind of sentiment anymore.
Ask yourself: will your book require a preface like that fifty years from now? Why are you providing a platform to perpetuate stereotypes and stigma -- and validating them in the one place where people should feel safe from such contempt -- the home?
re: ADHD Marriage - I'm "Tired Out"
It IS possible to have a bad spot in your life, be completely confused about your life and your relationship, and find your way back to a respectful, happy relationship. People do go through bad spots, however. In fact, pretty much everyone goes through bad times in their marriage - and I'm not just talking about ADHD times - depression, death, frustration with financial issues - all of these and more can temporarily cause you to lose faith in someone you've cared about.
I hope that you are "all bark and no bite" - either that, or that you and your husband never go through the kinds of despair that the people you are criticizing are feeling. I, personally, would feel awful if I thought that my spouse was ready to send me to the curb at the speed of light as soon as I expressed doubts, issues, hurt, resentment, etc. My marriage has had some real down times, but we have gotten through that specifically because we managed to get back to a place where we were empathetic and loving. But it takes time, and work. If I had ejected him (or he me) at the time in our marriage when we felt "contempt and resentment" both of us would have been worse for the experience. So, for that matter, would our kids. We would have missed what we have now - which is definitely very good by any definition of marriage - and has a depth and stability that we both appreciate greatly.
re: ADHD Marriage - I'm "Tired Out"
I have to tell you, if my husband expressed these kind of sentiments in this way about me, he wouldn't have time to ruminate about leaving me: I'd eject him so fast he'd break the sound barrier on the way to the curb. If you have contempt and resentment for your spouse, it's over.
re: ADHD Marriage - I'm "Tired Out"
It isn't actually just non-ADD spouses who post either questions or blog entries, actually. We do get ADD folks posting, and Sari Solden is one of our bloggers (she has ADD). However, it does seem that the people who are posting the longest comments are women with ADD husbands. I attribute this to a few things: 1.) generally, women are more likely than men to want to express their issues 2.) women are more likely than men to read/search for "self help" (hence the self-help publishing industry is so geared towards women) 3.) men with ADD present themselves differently than women. While the women may seem "disorganized" or "ditzy", the men seem aloof and uninvolved. This makes for difficult marriages (hence the large number of comments along these lines). Finally, the ADD person (male or female) is often out in their own world...and might, therefore, be less likely to be fully aware of the extent of the problems their spouse is encountering - sending the spouse looking for assistance elsewhere. As an addendum, Dr. Hallowell finds that many, many of his couples patients fit this pattern, too - ADD man with non-ADD spouse.
re: ADHD Marriage - I'm "Tired Out"
Why is it only the non-ADD spouses who post here?
re: ADHD Marriage - I'm "Tired Out"
Why is it only the non-ADD spouses who post here?
re: ADHD Marriage - I'm "Tired Out"
Wow!!! I have been married for almost 6 years and for the last month I have been compiling information on ADHD so that I could better understand what was going on with my husband. We have been on a constat verge of divorce since the day we moved in together. I can relate to all the couples on here and there situations with their ADHD partners and I finally feel like there is an answer to helping my marriage survive. I feel like I am raising my husband. His mother just stopped calling him "my son". At the root of all our problems is his ADHD. The only problem is we don't want to use pharmaceuticals/medications to help with his ADHD but something natural because as a child he took meds and he never liked the way they made him feel. He was lifeless and he felt as though it took away a part of what made him who he was. So right now we are researching into some natural remedies. But at least now we can pinpoint what is tearing my marriage apart.
re: ADHD Marriage - I'm "Tired Out"
Wow!!! I have been married for almost 6 years and for the last month I have been compiling information on ADHD so that I could better understand what was going on with my husband. We have been on a constat verge of divorce since the day we moved in together. I can relate to all the couples on here and there situations with their ADHD partners and I finally feel like there is an answer to helping my marriage survive. I feel like I am raising my husband. His mother just stopped calling him "my son". At the root of all our problems is his ADHD. The only problem is we don't want to use pharmaceuticals/medications to help with his ADHD but something natural because as a child he took meds and he never liked the way they made him feel. He was lifeless and he felt as though it took away a part of what made him who he was. So right now we are researching into some natural remedies. But at least now we can pinpoint what is tearing my marriage apart.
re: ADHD Marriage - I'm "Tired Out"
In response to this particular line in your comment:
"I do not know if you are in this cycle or not, but if you are, please take a hard look at whether or not you are able to lovingly accept him as he is."
What if I do accept him as he is and love him for all that he is, BUT all that he is just doesn't mesh with all that I am?? What if he is making progression in certain area, who am I to squash all that? In an ideal situation I would love to just get away, have a maid, have lots of money so my husband can find "things" to do or fix (because when he fixes things it costs twice as much to really fix it or replace it). His hobbies are expensive, his dreams are BIG and although he tries to get those dreams he just never can quite follow through on all that it can take to accomplish those things. I'm tired of the whole thing. Tired of being the re-iterator, goal organizer, Day Planner. I use organizing tools...seeing as I'm more left brain oriented and he uses his head to remember things because he's more right brained oriented. His head doesn't always remember.
Poster:Rshaffer said "those warm fuzzy feelings from so long ago are clouded" I can totally relate. How can he still have desire/warm fuzzies for me when he can see I'm exasberated????
Poster: Gravy said "You see, I don't think she understood how bad it was, because she didn't have to live with her. Her feelings for me were just as rosy as when we were dating -- I was even more of her hero on a daily basis. When I'd tell her I wasn't happy it was earth-shattering news, and that's how she'd react." That's what goes on in my house on a constant basis, but he knows he is adhd and does try to change, but grrrrrrrrr. I'm just not very happy right now.
re: ADHD Marriage - I'm "Tired Out"
Hi Gravy,
So we're not alone in this? My ADD husband and I are currently dealing with a 1-year diagnosis after 7 years of marriage, and his rosy feelings are rosy and mine are, well, not (yes, also earth-shattering news to my husband). Others think it's wonderful ("He just loves you so much! Couldn't live without you!). And I think to myself, "You have no idea!". I find myself running on less than half a tank of gas, emotionally and physically. We had no idea of his ADD before last year (in fact, I knew so little of ADD I didn't believe the diagnosis at first! Only the total effectiveness of the med.s and further research swayed me into agreement).
We saw 2 different psychiatrists before we had an accurate diagnosis, but it was well worth it. Medication has helped immeasurably, and I think we're on the road to recovery, however slow, difficult and indirect. Most people around where we live either believe ADD doesn't exist, or that we'd be better off if we just pretended we didn't deal with it on a regular basis. Where do we find support that both acknowledges the disorder and gives hope for dealing with it's idiosyncracies? I can no longer work outside the home due to the chaos ADD causes us (our case is pretty bad) so our finances are very limited, as is my contact with the 'normal' world. How do I keep my own head above water, both for my own sake and the sake of my young family?
Before we married, he earned a 6-figure income in a technical field. We could afford to have help with cleaning and organizing, and the nice things like GPSes (to help when he got lost in the same town for the 10th time in row) and a palm-pilot (to organize his contact list, to-do list, important dates-list). We had enough money to take breaks to go out because I couldn't stand the mess at home (I cannot clean as fast has he can pile!), and to explore our common interests. Now he's an artist (genius-proned, I might add), but we haven't the money to help in ways that we had help before, and most of the 'helping' has fallen on my lap (the helpful "techie" items were lost long ago, and we've not the finances to replace them). I'm a willing helper, but physically and psychologically, I am not SuperWoman. I cannot be his all-in-all. Are anti-depressants ever recommended for the non-ADD spouse (I'm only half joking!)?
Thank you. Gravy, for spelling out your journey; we mirror it in so many ways. It is an encouragement to know that our struggles are not a-typical.
re: ADHD Marriage - I'm "Tired Out"
Thanks, Gravy for the insight. Yes, after 10 years of "hinting" that my husband may have symptoms of ADD he went to a Doctor who felt that he indeed did struggle with ADD. He was given a script for Wellbutrin. Difficult for the first few weeks. Then things seemed to fall into place. I noticed a change. He would remember things I had asked him to do. He actually did them to completion. He was calmer than he had ever been. Then without warning last month he decided to stop his meds without telling me or his Doc. I noticed about mid Sept. that he was falling back into the same old stuff again. I questioned him and that's when I found out that he didn't feel it necessary to take his meds any longer. What do you do then?
re: ADHD Marriage - I'm "Tired Out"
While I can look back to when my wife and I were dating and see signs of what the future held for me, the impact of my wife's untreated ADD wasn't clear until she lost her first big job.
At that point I had been waiting for the piano to fall -- the job had slowly become more and more difficult to maintain, and as it had our house, our kids, and our relationship suffered. And I knew she was "screwing up things" at the office as much as she was at home.
So, despite the financial impact, I was extremely hopeful after she stopped working, and agreed to a year off to help her "regroup."
Has anyone with untreated ADD ever regrouped on their own? I doubt it, and after the year at home by herself (kids in school or preschool) the mess was just bigger and all the stress was still there.
This was several years ago, and despite a return to work at a much more manageable job, and older kids who could do more on their own, things still weren't changing. So I finally let my wife know that I was about done carrying the load, and while I knew that any marriage that was over 50% good was a good one, well, I was beyond half empty. And I told her it was because I still thought she had ADD (she had been diagnosed as a child, which made this statement easier to make) and I told her that her refusal to do anything about it was going to push me out the door one day, if not soon.
Luckily, she finally heard this message, and agreed to testing and potential treatment. You see, I don't think she understood how bad it was, because she didn't have to live with her. Her feelings for me were just as rosy as when we were dating -- I was even more of her hero on a daily basis. When I'd tell her I wasn't happy it was earth-shattering news, and that's how she'd react.
So she went and maxed out the Brown ADD scales. There was npo denying it -- she had ADD. She agreed to try Adderall.
Three months later: Wow.
While we still have some messes to clean up, and while she sometimes skips her pill and drives me crazy for a day, we're back on track to where we pictured ourselves so many years back.
So, you don't mention that your spouse has been tested and, if so, what the treatment is. Push for testing and treatment as hard as you push for ATM slips so you can balance the checkbook (if your spouse is even allowed to have an ATM card). You won't regret it.
re: ADHD Marriage - I'm "Tired Out"
When looking back 20 years ago to the beginning of our marriage I do remember some of the things that attracted me to my spouse. And, yes I do love him. However, 20 years of picking up the loose ends has left me exhausted to the point that those warm fuzzy feelings from so long ago are clouded.