ADD & Marriage: How Do I Get Him To Listen?
One of the most frequent questions that comes up is one of frustration – “how do I get my ADD spouse to listen to me about our problems?” The short answer is that you can’t if he doesn’t want to, but let me elaborate, as this is clearly at the heart of many struggling marriages.
I asked my husband for his input on this one, as engaging each other in serious conversations used to be one of our biggest issues (I wanted desperately to talk about and work out our/his issues. He didn’t.) His response? “I think the person asking the question needs to look at how, and what, they are asking.”
This may seem like non-advice, but consider this: When I most wanted to engage with George, I pressed my points rather emphatically. I was desperate to solve, or at least discuss, the issues that were bringing us both such pain. Because I felt I had gotten along in the world so well, I thought I had many great ideas about how to fix things. (He, on the other hand, had a failed first marriage to his credit.) Yet fairly soon after we got married he didn’t want to hear my ideas. Every time he refused to engage me I became more frustrated and angry. My frustration was clear in how I talked with him about getting together to talk…(“look, we’ve got problems here that we need to fix” – as in YOU have problems that need fixing. He knew well enough that if I thought that they were MY problems I would already have fixed them.) So, yes, I was hopeless, mad, frustrated…and after a while he had plenty of anger himself, which he also didn’t want to deal with. Retreat from dealing with these thorny issues was the easiest response. His retreat spurred me on even more to push for engagement. You can see how this would get to be a nasty downward spiral - fast.
We tried everything for the sake of trying it – to be able to say that we were working on things in our own ways – “I’ll be really nice to you for a few weeks and see if that changes things” was one approach, for example. That didn’t work - the underlying animosity comes through non-verbally anyway. We were still trying to change each other. I wanted to fix him. He wanted to punish me for my aggressiveness. Another approach we tried? Leave each other alone for a while (this is a bad way to resolve issues around not connecting, as you might imagine).
The reality is that you CANNOT engage someone who doesn’t wish to be engaged…and no one – ADD or not – wants to engage in difficult discussions in which they anticipate they are going to be roundly brought to task for bad behavior. The question shouldn’t be “how do I get my ADD spouse to listen to me?” The question needs be to “how do I entice participation?” This means coming fully to grips with the idea that you are not in control - at least not of him.
I found this out the hard way when I discovered my husband was seeing someone else. Even though I understood completely why he was seeing her (you can only take so much misery) it hurt like hell. (I should add here for fairness that the reason that I understood why he was seeing her was because I had had an affair earlier in our marriage for the same reason – being miserable and needing positive reinforcement.) He happened to be in Europe when I found out, and in two weeks the girlfriend was scheduled to join him for a romantic week in France. In this situation I was finally FORCED to understand that I did not, and never would, control my husband’s actions. I had no say over what he would choose to do, who he would be, or what his behavior would be. I realized, too, that I would never have a say about whether he chooses to address any of his ADD symptoms that might bother me. The only control I had ever had was over my response to him - I just had never realized it.
This was a revelation. It’s easy to “say” you have no control over someone else. It’s a completely different thing to KNOW you have no control, and accept it. You behave differently – a whole lot better. Not only could my husband leave, he had a lonely, never-married 40-year old who was madly in love with him waiting in the wings. He had alternatives. I, now, was looking at my sphere of influence in a completely different way. Yes, I was to have a relationship with this man forever (we have 2 kids), but it wasn’t going to be on just my terms. And it might not be as a couple. Suddenly, all that bitching seemed pretty stupid and short-sighted.
I wonder whether, when people ask the question “how do I get my husband to work on our problems?” they aren’t really asking “how do I get my husband to sit down and start doing what I want him to do?” The answer is you don't if he doesn’t want to. And he won’t want to if he feels as if you are going to beat him up. You can argue that “being married” means you have an “obligation”. Maybe on the surface this is true. But my own experience is that talking to a man who doesn’t wish to be there talking to you is not only a waste of time, it is counterproductive in every possible way. Put enough counter-productive time together and first thing you find is that the romance is gone…second thing you find is that it’s gone somewhere else.
This is not to say that no man will ever sit down and talk to you. Quite the contrary – a husband worth his salt will do so when you request it – simply because you request it - and sometimes will also initiate the conversation when needed. What I’m saying is that he does it because he chooses to do it. Because he thinks that he has something to gain from sitting down with you. Because he feels warmly enough about how you are going to interact that he thinks that the discussion is going to be productive. Sometimes because he thinks that not sitting down with you is going to be so counterproductive that it’s not worth resisting.
My own story? We had only two weeks to work out whether our marriage was over or not. My revelation about my own lack of power ended up being a turning point for me, as was the advice from Dr. Hallowell that I’ve related here before – stop thinking about fixing your marriage and start thinking about creating a happy life for yourself. My focus shifted away from “what my husband needs to do” to “what I needed to do to take control of my own happiness”.
Though superficially it might seem that my husband was holding all the power here, my revelation, and my shift in focus, actually put us on more equal footing. I realized that I not only didn’t need my husband to be happy but probably wasn’t going to have any say in whether we continued to be married. This was very liberating. It allowed me to shift my focus from our marriage (and all that bad stuff) to re-finding the person I had been (good stuff) – the optimistic, thoughtful, creative, outgoing and more confident person I remembered. Worrying about our marriage had turned me into a nag, in fact a real bitch. I had pushed so hard that I had created a living nightmare – all in the name of “fixing things” when in fact the dynamic was just the opposite. The harder I pushed, the worse things got. And I don’t know about you, but while I’m capable of being really, really mean, I don’t like myself when I am. No wonder he didn’t like me, either!
So I just stopped pushing, right then and there. For good (this is true - you can ask him!). Yes, we had some weepy conversations on the phone about our plight and about how hard it was that we had gotten where we had gotten. We grieved separately and alone. But I was no longer accusing him – I was just trying to understand and let it all go. We actually laughed…and then flirted. Things felt different – at last. And I was finally humbled enough to realize that every good partnership is a partnership of choice, not coercion. The change in me – and how I was treating him - was so pronounced that the night before his girlfriend was to board the plane he called her and asked her to stay home. I went over, instead, and we began – finally - to forget about our marriage, and repair our friendship and partnership.
The bottom line is this – a husband who will never, ever, engage with you to work on your relationship is not a great husband. But usually by the time you are reading this blog his lack of engagement is as much a reflection of how the two of you are interacting as anything else. (I assume you used to interact satisfactorily or you wouldn’t have gotten married.) It’s neither fair nor realistic to expect him to engage when your agenda is to “fix things”, and specifically, “fix him”. That’s not a conversation. That’s forcing him to be a certain way – your way.
I’m not trying to depress you here. Just the opposite. I’m trying to provide a positive alternative to hitting your head against the proverbial wall over and over again.
Yes, he has issues. His anger hurts you and the kids. He spends money frivolously. He is not focused on you enough. He can’t hold down a job….insert your painful issue here. As long as he feels you are trying to coerce him, he’s not going to make the effort to change. In fact, if he’s like my husband, he’ll start to work against what you want (subtly) just to prove that he’s independent.
Good relationships are about lots of hard work…but they are also about carrots rather than sticks. So be your best. If he doesn’t want you when you are at your best, then he doesn’t deserve you in any case. You want to be your best for your own mental and physical health (which declines when you are in turmoil over not being able to change him). To be cynical about it –you may as well be the best that you can be now before you get divorced, rather than wait to be forced into it by dating again. Being thoughtful, kind and caring may not solve your problems, but it sure won’t add to them! So, if he irritates you, put it aside. If he is angry, move out of the line of fire. Provide opportunities to connect in happy ways. Don’t stop communicating – just don’t insist on a specific solution. Be humble. Benefit from what I learned without having to go through the pain first hand.
This will end up a win/win for you. Either you will stop your own downward spiral that you are currently in with your husband and your husband will move out of his defensive posture and start to engage with you again, or you will find he isn’t able to appreciate the real you and won't respond. Either way, you are true to yourself and creating your own happiness. You will be a better place than now.
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What about accountability
Melissa,
First I have to mention that I have learned much and gained considerable insight over the past week reading many of your articles and responses, especially in finding out about your personal circumstances/history which seems to have many parellels to my own. But the one thing I keep getting hung up and I'm gonna go out on a limb and pose this question: Don't these individuals with ADHD, who are now adults, still need to be accountable for their actions and behaviors and in turn how they impact others?
Now don't get me wrong, I understand that we can't change others - only ourselves and are own situations. I also understand the logic of the more you push the more they pull away (i.e. the more you talk the less they want to listen) and that defenses kick in, as well as the piece that you can't engage someone who doesn't wish to be engaged.
However, I've read over and over in countless articles and comments, from spouses of people with ADHD, about the irresponsible and inconsiderate behavior they've had to endure. You yourself mention in the article above .... "His anger hurts you and the kids. He spends money frivolously. He is not focused on you enough. He can’t hold down a job….insert your painful issue here." Seperate the person from the symptoms right? In general I do like that concept and I honestly have to say that I have tried it a bit and looking at it that way has helped me some the past couple of days. But, sometimes I just feel like I'm giving him an excuse for behaving badly. Even with ADHD (and all the symptoms that it includes) shouldn't he still be somewhat accountable for his actions? For example, if a child with ADHD were to in some way harm another child in school or on the playground I would still expect the child with ADHD to have some consequences - how else would they learn and where would be the fairness to the other child? Keep in mind here that I also have a 5 year old son with ADHD (and I'm sure that there is still much ahead of me to learn) but I still should think there would need to be some form of punishment or consequence not just an excuse of ADHD.
You state that for you personally you needed to stop trying to fix your marriage and start thinking about creating a happy life for yourself. You stated..."My focus shifted away from “what my husband needs to do” to “what I needed to do to take control of my own happiness”." Clearly it has worked for you but in general isn't our happiness also tied up in the relationships we have (especially the most important one we maintain - our marriage)? How do you create happiness for yourself when your living in what at times seems like a toxic environment? I want to create my own happiness and once again be the cheerful, optimistic, and free spirited person I once was but I simply don't know how to go about that task when there is so much anger and frustration swirling around me every day - and believe it or not, I'm not referring to my own feelings, although given the thoughts outlined in this comment it might seem that way. So again, I pose the quesion to you - Shouldn't these adults still be somewhat responsible for their behavior? And, more importantly how do you go about creating your own happiness when you're living with an ADHD spouse who is in denial and having trouble monitoring their own symptoms/behavior?
Curious to hear your feedback and thanks again for helping me through this mental process.
Accountability
Yes, people with ADD absolutely need to be accountable for their actions. Ned Hallowell's excellent way of stating this is to say "ADD can be an explanation for a behavior, but it should never be an excuse." In other words, not adjusting to the world around you - i.e. being accountable for your actions - means that you will, eventually, suffer consequences for this. In the case of a bad relationship, the consequences are that your family may leave you. If you drink to self medicate, rather than find other ways to address your ADD, you may become alcoholic and suffer the consequences of that.
People with ADD live with the consequences of their actions every day. For me, the trick of living with a person with ADD is deciding where am I personally going to be part of those consequences, and when am I not. (With the goal of minimizing when I am part of those consequences!) Here are some examples: Many ADD people are late to things. I've seen examples where chronic tardiness has actually torn relationships apart. In that case, the non-ADD partner took it upon himself to punish the ADD partner every time she was late because he felt embarassed by it. To me, there are other solutions. Rather than having the consequence of tardiness be breaking up, I would choose to have the consequence be that the late person with ADD gets to drive separately - whenever she (in this case) is ready. So the fact that the ADD person has ADD means that things may still not be exactly as YOU might like them (perhaps the host isn't as happy as could be, or the couple doesn't have as much fun because they are only there for 1 hour at the same time instead of 3) But the consequence is lessened because in the big scheme of things it doesn't matter - at least not to me - that we go to a party together (not so for that other couple, I'm sorry to say, who broke up). In this case, ADD becomes a reason to believe that the person genuinely has difficulty being on time and cutting them slack - while also findind a solution that doesn't impact the non-ADD spouse's life too much.
In the case of the son who harms the other child on the playground - yes, there should be consequences for that. BUT, they should be the same consequences that someone else of the same age would receive. Kids with ADD tend to repeat the same mistakes over and over again because they don't internalize the comments as quickly (maturation issues, memory issues, impulsiveness issues etc.) I would not punish a child with ADD in an cumulative way (as in "you always do that - I've told you not to do that before"). It's not effective, and in the long term can lead to self-esteem issues. So, just as with the tardiness issue above, knowledge of ADD becomes a reason for making sure you remain empathetic and moderate what could become an overly harsh response. (In the case of children with ADD it is always a good policy to assume that the child is trying as hard as he or she can and figure out ways to enable different behavior, rather than punish the child.)
In the case of an adult in an ADD marriage who is doing the same things over and over again - on the one hand, you have to understand that the person legitimately has trouble with specific behaviors. That adult isn't doing these behaviors because he enjoys the mess that follows, but because the behaviors are part of him and not yet controlled. On the other hand, there are consequences to not addressing long-standing issues that are really important. In this case, the consequences are what you and your husband are living through - your marriage goes down the tubes...perhaps you even get divorced. It is unfair to say that adults with ADD don't have consequences - they have them every day. The issue is "what are they going to DO about the consequences?" I find that most non-ADD spouses of ADD partners are really encouraged when their ADD spouse TRIES to change things and keeps experimenting. It is the refusal (or fear) of trying that leaves one hopeless. (Implicit in this, of course, is that with enough trying and enough support a person with ADD can find a system that works for them. In this day, with so much known about ADHD and with all the non-medicinal treatments available I believe that this is true.)
For example, one husband I knew used to get angry frequently and without warning. His wife would get angry back or tell him it was unacceptable. But he was truly having trouble controlling his anger, so this only added to the problems and escalated the situation. As the consequences of his anger built (his marriage started to fall apart) he finally tried a different solution - low doses of medication for ADD. Even the husband was surprised at how different it felt to live his life without anger.
So, back to your own case. You should not be positioning yourself to enable your husband to behave badly. Part of becoming more reliant on yourself is separating yourself from suffering the consequences of his actions a bit. It's unrealistic to think that might be able to position yourself so that you won't suffer any consequences from your husband's behavior, but by not enabling him you give him the message that he is responsible for himself, and that you are going to take control of your own life - i.e. that you don't need to put up with crap. (This should not be communicated through angry words - for then you become the embodiment of every mean teacher and bad girlfriend he's ever had. This is just "look, I'm a good person and I like myself and I'm worth more than living in a situation that is poisonous to me. I'm really hoping that we can find middle ground here, but I'm not going to suffer forever if we don't."
There is some place which is specific to you which is the intersection of the empathy and inventiveness needed to best live with a spouse with ADD and "consequence". There are lines - some of which are simply uncrossable. By focusing on who you want to be, rather than on "fixing your husband" or "fixing your marriage" I think you will find that those lines become clearer. By setting your own lines, rather than setting his (which you can't do in any case) you create a clear set of standards by which you live and make decisions. Your husband isn't stupid - he's just behaving in a way that is hard to take (and doesn't make sense to you - hence it seems stupid). He understands there are consequences. When those consequences are clear, and when you have created a safe place for him to start to address his own issues, then he can make a decision - do I TRY or not? Do I overcome my fear, or not?
If he can't find it in himself to try when you have created an environment in which he can try to treat his symptoms without fear, then your own path will become clearer. Does that make sense?
As a final thought - you will likely ask the question "when will I know when I've created that safe environment?" He'll be able to tell you. (If he tells you you are just waiting to criticize him, control his life, or otherwise beat him up, you're not there yet. And if you look at it and genuinely think that you have created an accepting environment and he's just blind, it's okay to nicely say "I haven't criticized you in over three months" etc.)
I liken it to creating a great environment for an ADD child (you'll get that one next!) Empathy with thoughtful and consistent structure seems to work well, topped by a never-ending flow of love. (See the article on what it's like to have ADD at www.drhallowell.com resources section for some interesting reading (under teens).
Melissa Orlov
Thank you
Melissa,
Thanks yet again for your insightful advice. I guess I just have felt like I'm always the one doing the work and making the sacrafice and that I'm just on the verge of losing my own identity to my roles as mother and wife because of the demands put on me to raise two chidren (one with ADHD and OCD) on my own and be the only participant in the marraige.
Although, on a more logical level I do understand that it's me who has to make the changes if things are ever gonna work. I suppose I'm just a bit tired of doing it all alone and feeling so all alone. I suppose I just have to stop feeling so injured and decide if I have what it takes to continue down this path. Thanks again.
Sacrifice
Marriages, like parenting, do require some sacrifice - in both directions. If you are the only one doing the sacrificing then you don't have a balanced relationship and may not find it satisfying enough to stay in it long term.
What I try to help people do is come to a more complete understanding of what can work in an ADHD marriage and under what circumstances you will be most likely to be able to "meet in the middle" in a way that is not only satisfying, but exciting.
That seems like a pretty long road from where you are now, but it is possible. But please do not interpret my words to mean that you should suffer alone for the rest of your life!
Good luck!
Melissa Orlov
What do you do when your
What do you do when your husband won't get a job but insists that he is going to continue "trying" to be self employed when it hasn't worked in 6 years. He has a new idea every day but nothing that is working or bringing in income. Our financial picture is so bad that we are to the point of counting change to put gas in the cars. I told him that I was on go to find a job if he would. I'm not willing to get a job and keep us up while he pretends to be in business for himself and brings in no money like I have done before.
I have already insisted that we separate our bank accounts because he wants to apply for credit cards. The last bit of money we had he spent buying stuff we didn't need from Ebay because he admittingly got out of control from the fun of bidding. He overspends in general and won't work. He is pawning stuff now. I feel like I've been too lenient and he thinks I'm too serious. We have no financial security for our old age and we are already in our 50"s.
If you have any suggestions, please let me know. We love each other but I have about had it and I'm on the track of getting my ducks in a row to leave the marriage. I thought learning about ADD and whatever comorbid disorders that he has, helping him get medical attention, etc would make things better. But it hasn't. It just makes me see his behaviors better and I don't like what I see at all. Even if I got my life happier with my own needs met, the quicker I paddle upstream, I think he will have an anchor to my foot pulling me backwards with lots of turmoil. We don't have children thank goodness.........
I would prefer to not be married if I don't have an adult behaving and responsible partner where the two of us help each other. I don't see that ever happening with my ADD husband. Acutally I could relent on most of the negative ADD behaviors if he would just work and stop spending money on unnecessary things!! He will buy stuff that we already have!
won't hold a job
I am interested in your point that you won't get a job to support the two of you if he won't get one. Yours is clearly a highly politicized relationship! If you are living on pennies, it seems as if it would be a good idea for SOMEBODY to start bringing in some money! My assumption is that you would need to get a job were you not married...this leads me to think it is your disappointment at his inability to provide as a husband that is getting in your way here. If you get divorced, you'll end up working, so try to keep your disappointment in him from taking a clear-eyed look at your financial situation.
You have the right to as much financial security as you can create for yourself as you age. As you don't have children, you may wish to simply get divorced and stay connected romantically. But if you do this, recognize that you also "free" him to see other women and it is likely that he will do this, as your relationship is not in a positive place right now. The other side of that is that you free yourself as well, and perhaps you will be happier with someone you feel financially more comfortable with.
This is a bad time to be an entrepreneur, and the rate of success for new businesses is about 1 in 10. What was he doing before the last 6 years, and can he do it again? Or perhaps just take a temporary job to bring in money, and do his start-up activities on the side (many, many people do this as they need to put food on the table).
One mistake that many frustrated non-ADD spouses make is to think that if they threaten loudly enough, their ADD spouse will suddenly "get in line" and shape up. The opposite is actually true. The louder you threaten him about leaving, or nag him about getting a job, the more oppositional his behavior will become (you've already seen this, I expect). So I think your decision is really between these two options: Do you calm down, get a job so that you jointly have some money, and try being more empathetic? Or do you simply throw in the marital towel and move on to a stage in which you are less reliant on each other?
I have heard of couples who have successfully made the transition to pulling themselves apart (either by moving into two households, even though they were married, or by divorcing) and still remaining involved with each other. If you decide to take this route, stay away from divorce lawyers and use a mediator instead (studies show that the relationships that are left after mediation are better than those left after divorce). But divorce is tough, and you'll likely find yourself needing to move on completely.
You may want to take an "in between" path by putting a time-frame on a solution. For example, you find a job and tell him that you want him to start bringing in money - any money - from any job within 6 months. (I don't see how you can insist that he find a job if you are unwilling to do so yourself) If he doesn't care enough about your relationship to put in the effort to contribute financially in some way then you wiill need to divorce simply to protect your financial future.
I don't know what the legal implications are of this - and whether getting a job might put you in the position of needing to pay him alimony of some sort - so check with a lawyer before making your final decision. Also, I would check to see what your rights are with separate bank accounts. I suspect that as his spouse you may still be responsible for half of any debt he racks up...again, check on this so that you konw what financial risks any specific path may pose for you.
Good luck with it!
Melissa Orlov
Thanks Melissa for your post
Thanks Melissa for your post and suggestions. Are you currently living with a husband who has ADHD?
I agree that someone needs to start working and I'm willing to get a job and I have alot of skills and experience to do so. I've told him that I am wiling get a job. My husband still refuses to go to work for someone else because they might tell him what to do or when to get to work, etc. So, he won't take a job even part time and get a business started on the side. I suggested that and even pointed to many of his friends who have done that or are doing that.
He wants to apply for credit cards. I told him not to put my name on them nor give them my social security number. But then I told him not to give out my personal info on the computer and he did this yesterday. I am furious about that right now. I don't think I would be obligated to a credit card company for any debt that he racks up if my name and information isn't on the original application. It probably would be part of the divorce settlement though. I hope I'm right here.
Yes you are right that I am very disappointment with his ability to earn a living not to mention the errors that he makes in trying to make business deals which has lost us thousands of dollars this year alone. I've lost alot of respect for him too. Before the 6 years, we owned a company together where I did 90% of the work while he mostly either stayed home and wouldn't come in to the business location at all or he would travel around enjoying the fun side of the business. Before that I owned my own successful business but eventually lost the contract that kept it afloat. When we first married we both had jobs working for other people and that is when we got along the best. I tried to get him to see that and even through he agrees, he now refuses to work for someone else. But I can tell that he is trying to pull me back into working with him in a business and I'm not going down that same road. It was miserable working with him.
I stopped nagging along time ago. I agree with you that it isn't productive at all. And it isn't easy to just have discussions with him with his ADD because communication is difficult. He bails out on me and says that he can't think when anything stressful comes up. He will explode if I try to continue talking so I have learned to just stop when I see he isn't getting what I'm trying to say. I have backed off to the point that not much of anything is getting discussed so important matters are not getting addressed. There are alot of times when he is so hyper and loud over little things that I just walk outside and come back 10 minutes later. I'm not engaging in any loud arguments.
I think I am going to go it alone, get a job and if we can still see each other from time to time ....great. If not, so be it. At least I will be in control of my own life and my own finances. If he finds someone else, then maybe that's best. I want him to have a good life but i want one too and right now, it's so toxic and stressful in this house it's not healthy for either of us.
See, even if we both went to work, he would still use the money we make to buy toys instead of buying insurance and saving for retirement. We are just not financially compatible at all and the negative ADHD behaviors in addition to this one area makes him so difficult to live with and depend on as a marriage partner.
I know divorce is going to be tough. We talked about it briefly a week ago and I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. But these daily jabs and the constant unhappiness are keeping me sick and depressed. So I don't see any other alternative.
Thanks again for your thoughts, I appreciate them.
Hi Diana, I just read your
Hi Diana,
I just read your post and have to say that I can relate. I've been married to my husband for 13 years and he cannot hold a job and refuses to work for anyone but himself. Instead of getting a job, he will take out loans to try to start new businesses. He is constantly "spinning his wheels". He has claimed bankruptcy once early in our marriage and recently dissolved another business.
It's extremely frustrating and hard not to be resentful, as I am the one paying all the bills. I too have lost a lot of respect for my husband. Thankfully in your situation, you do not have children to think about. We have two small boys and I'm afraid for their future if my husband continues to make poor financial decisions without my consent. I am doing my best to protect our "nest egg.' I am going to seek out legal advice to see what (if anything) I would be responsible for. My husband says not to worry because the loans are in his name only, but I need to be sure for my own peace of mind.
I'm sorry to hear that you are going to go it alone, but I'm sure you've put all your effort into trying to make it work and you need to think of your own happiness. You deserve financial freedom and maybe you will find someone who is more compatible and shares the same goals for the future. I wish you the best of luck.
I can relate. i have been
I can relate. i have been with my husband 19 years and he has worked only 3 years full time. i am beside myself. i get so tired of working 3 jobs to support us and our 2 kids. he always brings in a little money (10.000 in 2006) but he thinks he brings in so much and does so much. i'm getting more and more worn down. i love him but i think it's time to love myself more soon....it's just so hard....he has 13 years of university and he still cannot get work.....it just doesn't make sense. i keep waiting.....how long do we wait?
I am really confused? i
I am really confused? i actually found this site accidentally and all your comments hit all the problems in my marriage on the head! unlike others i have read about my husband has been able to keep a job for 4 years now. it wasn't always like that.As far as I know he does not have ADHDbut what i have read about in your site sure sounds like he does.His son is ADHD would that mean he possibly got it from his dad? My husband works the oil fields and also has a drinking problem always has. There is no abuse just alot of anger and frustration on my part he could care less what happens to our marriage their is no communication he goes out and does not call for days,but gets upset if i ask where hes been! And he always tells me he will fix it! But it happens over and over again! He works out of town all the time but if they get time off he will stay up in Midland and not come home? ???????????????????????????? Please just give some insight. Thank you