ADD and Marriage: What Lack of Focus Means
Posted March 12th, 2008 by MelissaOrlov
I am reading the posts of a woman who is about to get married to a man whom she adores who happens to have ADD. She is frustrated and confused by his inability to pay attention to wedding planning. This seems like a great time to elaborate upon what lack of focus means for people with ADD – and for their spouses.
One of the biggest differences between people with ADD and those without is that the non-ADD brain creates a hierarchy of ideas all the time. Things come into your brain and they get put into an order without your even knowing it. What the person in front of you is saying is more important than the bird chirping in the next tree or the squirrel running across the path nearby, for example. We don’t think about this as it happens – it just does. But next time you are in a conversation with someone, or reading a book, or doing just about anything, stop and think about all of the stimulus around you that your brain is very kindly blocking out for you so that you can stay focused on the task at hand.
The ADD brain doesn’t do this very naturally. I can find myself annoyed when I am in the middle of saying something to my daughter and she suddenly starts playing with the ends of her hair…or picks up a magazine to look at the pictures…or (fill in the blank). It’s not that she doesn’t want to hear what I say (I hope!) but rather that something else just caught her attention. I know enough about ADD that I am able to bring her back to the conversation with a simple (nicely stated, not mean!) “Can you look at me for a few minutes more and leave your hair?” She knows I’m not mad when I say this, just trying to finish my thought, and so she drops the hair and refocuses on me. (If she thought I were mad, her response would be very different - probably defiant - which is why how distractibility is handled by the non-ADD partner is so critical to good communication.)
Think about what living with a non-hierarchical brain would be like! Anything that comes at you, at any time, has the potential to lead you into a new direction!
The non-ADD ability to automatically create hierarchies makes it very hard to understand – even with effort – what the ADD experience is like. Non-ADD people really have to think about the implications of natural distractibility if they are going to successfully live with an ADD spouse. The woman who is about to get married is disappointed that her fiancé isn’t paying better attention to wedding details. She sees the upcoming wedding as the most important thing in their lives right now (as does he, I suspect), and so is hurt by his inability to focus on his tasks for the wedding. Here is where the communication starts to break down. Yes, he also feels that the wedding planning is important. But his brain isn’t going to suddenly start functioning differently just because a wedding looms…and his brain just doesn’t create a hierarchy very easily. He is not trying to hurt her with his actions, but there is a lot of stimulus coming into his head (one would argue more than normal) and he is having trouble ordering it in a way that makes sense to outsiders (and maybe even to him – I suspect that he would like to please his wife-to-be.) Again, it’s like my daughter. She probably is interested in what I’m talking to her about…but that hair just happened to catch her attention and she slipped in a different direction.
The non-ADD fiancé has a choice. She can take his lack of focus personally and feel hurt, or she can create a gentle language with her spouse-to-be that helps refocus him when it becomes necessary, as I have with my daughter. And I don’t mean create that language right now, under the pressure of the wedding. I mean make it a task of the first year or two of their marriage. It takes time, thought, and experimentation. One approach doesn’t work? Try another! The ADD fiance’s behavior really, truly, isn’t personal, but if the non-ADD partner ends up feeling hurt by it then that will be the beginning of a series of times when his inability to focus disappoints her. Her empathy and tolerance for his distractedness will diminish with every occurrence, and they will start to have relationship issues that will sour their love.
I am not saying that the ADD spouse cannot ever manage his distractibility in a way that will diminish its effect on the relationship. Partners who understand how the ADD brain takes in information, and who understand that it doesn’t “do” hierarchies, can create structures and conversational patterns that support the ADD spouse in a way that helps them both. The ADD partner will be an active participant in creating whatever it is that works for the two of them. My daughter has done a masterful job of creating structures that help her organize her work and her life, and I have learned over the years not to worry if she suddenly goes off in a new direction. Actually, I have come to the conclusion that her very ability to do so is a wonderful part of her exuberance and love of life…it’s just inconvenient at certain times and at those times we work through it in a non-hurtful way. (I’m NOT perfect with this, believe me. Sometimes I am short with her…but she knows that I’m trying my best, and forgives me when I am short – after she brings it to my attention and I back off! Part of our own structure is the ability to apologize and forgive quickly.)
Expectations are a tricky thing. If you expect a person with ADD to behave just as a non-ADD person behaves then you will always be disappointed. By definition, this won’t happen. Our brains, and our ways of experiencing life, are just too different. I personally am of the opinion that those of us without ADD are too biased towards our own ways of doing things…sometimes the natural hierarchy that our brain creates so well actually seals us off from experiencing wonderful, unexpected surprises. So seek to understand the non-hierarchical nature of the ADD brain and to work with it – even adore it for its ability to bring new and exciting things into your life. Just don’t take distractibility personally!
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My husband
I am grateful I found this blog, and even more grateful to know the underlying reasons for the troubles in our marriage.
We were married about 3 1/2 years ago, and we are about to have our third child. After the birth of my second child I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder- you can imagine the stress this illness has brought to our marriage. Since I have been undergoing treatment (medication and counseling) that has helped tremendously. We still have problems, particularly with our communication, which leads to financial problems and general challenges. My husband has known of his AD/HD since high school, but dislikes the medication he has tried (strattera) because it makes him feel like a zombie. I guess my concern is finding a way for him to manage this disorder effectively without stomping out the good things about him. I don't want him to feel like his personality and energy has diminished. I am finding it difficult to motivate him to get the help he needs simply because it seems to much of a trade-off to make it worthwhile to him, however, I have had to make this same decision for the sake of our marriage as well. Taking bipolar meds isn't easy either.
Let me simplify my concerns: Where do we start with this?
Where do we start?
Since your husband has indicated the willingness in the past to try Strattera, I think the best place to start is with your husband's doctor. There are many different types of meds that might work for your husband and trying out a few might uncover one that would help relieve his symptoms without feeling like a zombie. Concerta, Focalin and Wellbutrin are some good options, among others. My husband is a good example of what trying different meds can do for you. He tried a stimulant and HATED it. Then tried Wellbutrin and really likes it.
Help him keep an eye on any side effects as well as positive results. Sometimes they aren't as obvious to the ADD person as to those around them - particularly in the realm of behavior changes.
Regular, aerobic exercise is also helpful, as is good nutrition.
Glad you're joining our group of readers - make sure to register so your messages get posted immediately without my reviewing them.
Melissa Orlov
Melissa, where are you?
Melissa, where are you?
Melissa's whereabouts
Melissa has not purposefully foresaken the readers of this blog. One of her very close relatives passed away twelve days ago, somewhat unexpectedly. This week, she was in the hospital undergoing a planned but significant procedure, and is not yet back to working condition. Give her a few days, and she will again be fully engaged.
During this time, I have been doing moderation duty (accepting and publishing comments from individuals who are not signed in, to keep spam away).
<the technical adminstrator for this site>
take it easy.....
Sorry to hear that. I hope she makes a quick and full recovery both on the physical front and the emotional one, and I look forward to reading more of her wisdom when she is feeling up to it. But first, I hope she is taking it easy for now.
Get well soon
Hope you are feeling better soon!
Sorry to hear of your loss.
Look foreward to seeing you posting again
Melissa, we miss you!
Yes, please feel better and come back soon. You are missed!
shayO just sent in a beautiful comment that shouldn't be missed.
Thank you for what you do.
Liz
wedding planning
I married a man with ADD a year and a half ago, and yes, as much as he wanted to be married, he had a hard time focusing on the planning. I took a page out of my work's project management process and "scheduled" a weekly half-hour meeting with him (usually Sunday afternoon). He agreed to this, and I agreed to save the "wedding talk" for the meeting. We didn't always meet and I didn't always not talk about the wedding, but in the long run I think it kept us both from being overwhelmed.
By the way, when my husband gets distracted and ends up arriving late or getting lost, he tells people that he got distracted by a bright, shiny object (like a crow!). Everyone seems to think this is amusing and forgives him without much more discussion needed.
more on wedding planning&the non hierarchical brain
Dear Melissa,
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this detailed piece - your input feels very supportive and I appreciate it a lot. Also thanks Chessie - I think we are handling our planning similarly to you in that we have an in-depth meeting about it every w/e.... maybe the problem is we didn't leave ourselves much time between getting engaged and the wedding day. Oh well, too late to change that now! Did you carry on with the preparations during the week in between meetings? How was he able to contribute to the process?
Melissa, what you write about the non-hierarchical brain functioning of a person with ADD is very interesting, and it deepens my understanding of how my fiance does things. Being a creative person myself I love the creativity of his non-hierarchical brain, the way it moves from one thing to another to another, and I enjoy joining him on his journeyings from time to time, and we conjure up some highly creative wonders together!
I hope I haven't come across as someone who is losing their cool over all this, or thinking my loved one is acting this way on purpose, or trying to hurt me. My mantra is "It's an ADD thing". I don't take it personally, and I know he is far from selfish - he is one of the most genuinely giving and altruistic people I have ever met, which of course is part of why I am so in love with him. I hope communication isn't starting to break down, but maybe you are seeing something I am not aware of - if so, please enlighten me.
If I am upset about some way he is behaving I tell him so, but I use "I" messages, and I tell him calmly, and we always work things out satisfactorily. Sometime in this wedding planning process when he hadn't done something he said he would, I said gently "I need to know if you have done x, and if you haven't I am going to scream". He said "No I haven't done it, and I think you should scream". We were cuddling at the time, I let out a loud scream and felt better for it, we were still cuddling. Then we looked at each other and smiled, and calmly got on with catching up on the thing he hadn't done, together.
The thing with the wedding planning is that there is a deadline of course. Things need to be done. That said, he does do a lot, it's just often, of course, not things which actually need doing, or they are not done completely, or in any sort of order. I know this is how it is with him, and I know how frustrating he finds it too. And it's ok, we will get there. We always do.
The great thing is that he seems to go for several weeks at a time without the symptoms being overwhelming, but then he hits a phase such as he is in now (generally brought on by stress) and there is no getting out of it, he can't just switch off his ADD when there is something important to be seen to (much as he would like to be able to!). One thing that I focus on is that the behaviour ebbs and flows over time and I just wait for the ebb to happen and while it's in a 'flow' phase (like now) I stay out of his stuff as much as possible.
In the earlier days of our relationship, before I had realised he was ADD, when this sort of distractibility and/or seeming self-centredness manifested I must admit I was confused because the behaviour did not tally with his other personality traits. But I never let it linger, I would bring it up in a loving - or humourous - way, and he would explain - as far as he could - what was going on in his head, and we would sort out the misunderstanding. I have learned over time that a light approach works best; if it gets too serious or complicated his brain switches off.
Sure, I do get disappointed sometimes, I am human after all. But I deal with it, we deal with it together. Places like this blog are great for being able to let things out when needed. And even greater because of the very useful comments people make here.
Learning best ways of communication with my man is a process, it is part of how I am growing at the moment. Fortunately I have a son who has LD's and although he is probably not ADD he was 'hyper' as a child, and has learning difficulties across the board, so in many ways bringing him up for the last quarter of a century has prepared me for the rest of my life with my husband to be.
I am expressing some of my frustrations in my posts, but what you write on this blog, Melissa, along with other internet sources and a shelf full of books keep me level-headed about it most of the time. I decided early on that I would not be ready to marry my man until I had seen how I got along with his ADD, and through educating myself and observation and practise I do feel ready now. And y'know? No-one is perfect. Everyone has their difficult bits. I sure have a handful myself. And my nearly-spouse has ADD. The ADD condition has many positive wonderful things about it, and also a bunch of difficult things. I am a mature woman ready to enjoy all the goodness that this marriage will bring to my life - just as the relationship to date has. And hey, being married to a non-defensive, non-agressive, kind, honest, caring, funny, adventurous, impulsive, creative, positive, man who also has ADD is a million times better than marriage with an abuser or a liar or someone who doesn't care. Whatever problems we encounter we look at them and deal with them, and it is my task to accept things as they are rather than have unrealistic expectations - just as it would be in any relationship. I can't change his ADD-ness any more than he can, and it's not my place to try. What I can do is love him for all the beautiful things that he is - and I do, most deepy and forever :-)
Wow
Tiddletaddle,
I'm very moved by your piece. It sounds like you are getting the hang of this - whatever it is.
In the last year, I have become very close to a family (mother and sons in their 20s - my age). All three of the sons have ADD/ADHD. One is a very close friend and I have watched him struggle with a lot of ADHD issues. Even though he is not my husband, I am relating to Melissa's info and to Dr. Hallwell's info. What I've been reading here - and in other areas - has helped me to a) create a stronger purpose for myself, b) feel less disappointed when ADHD does it's thing and c) have a stronger friendship with him - and, by extension, with his siblings who I am also close to.
This is good stuff.
:)
Hi Tiddletaddle, Sounds like
Hi Tiddletaddle,
Sounds like the two of you are communicating very well, particularly under the pressure and deadline of a wedding, but I do agree that it helps imensely to enter the relationship knowing about the ADD. I tried to arrange our planning so that hubby could do his bits and pieces and give his input during the half hour, and then I'd run with that info for the rest of the week doing my part. This mostly worked, everything got done except the music which he did at midnight before the 11am wedding. (I spent the night at my parents so I wouldn't stress out about it.)
I love your story about screaming! Sometimes the ADD'er just needs a wake-up call. Long story, but case in point: Hubby didn't have a passport (needed for honeymoon). I print out forms and have him fill them out. He takes them to the post office. They ask for birth certificate. He goes home to get forgotten birth certificate. Post office says birth certificate is fancy one from hospital, not official one from county. Hubby remembers to tell me three days later. Online, I find the county clerk's office for the county where he was born and he fills out the form, BUT he needs a notarized statement verifying he is who he says he is... which takes a week. Mails it in. Birth certificate comes back two weeks later. Passport application filled out again since orignal is lost. Birth certificate and new application are taken to post office. Passport arrives in mail two months later. ... Within the next month, Hubby takes passport to use for ID and somehow loses it/leaves it somewhere. Honeymoon is now two months away, and Hubby decides to procrastinate applying for new passport, granted, because he is upset about losing it. I finally ask, very nicely, if he is being passive-aggressive, if he secretly doesn't want to get married or go on the honeymoon (thinking it is better to know now...). He is shocked that I would think this could ever be the case, fills everything out, pays extra for a rush order, and takes it in the next day. New passport shows up in a week and we have a lovely honeymoon. I hold on to both passports the entire trip and put them in a safe place when we got back. :-)
Thanks for that, Chessie. I
Thanks for that, Chessie.
I love your story about the passport! Yes, We have had a couple incidents like that too, and I have had many more with my LD son over the years. So how do you manage to stay cool, calm, and collected? Any tips for sharing?
Funny you saying about the music, that is one thing we are working on at the moment. Good plan of yours to be somewhere else the night before., I am working on that one myself at the moment. Did you know he would get the music together, albeit at the very last minute? I know that about my guy, and like with you, it's a lot easier if I stay out of his way while he does it!!!
I look after the passports and tickets etc when we travel too. Seems like you and I (and probably millions od other partners of folks with ADD) are on the same wavelength with our coping strategies.
All the best to you....
Add Hubby
When we got married, my husband (who has ADD) and I discussed that in our marriage we need to deal with, "You, me and ADD". In other words, this is something we will need to continually discuss and learn how to live with. This was hard, because it was a very sensitive topic for hubby for a long time.
As for wedding planning, we got married 4 months after getting engaged. I planned the wedding and went to him for the "OK" on things. This worked great. When we first got engaged, I said I would take the lead in wedding planning, and he would plan the honeymoon. Well.... that was not so successful. I would ask what he had done, and he said, "Lots of research"... everyday, "Lots of research". No action. This was distressing for me at first, but I finally took that back too. I was nervous about what this was going to mean for our relationship moving forward. Will I have to be the one to plan everything???
We moved in together the month before our wedding, and I'll be honest, our first year was a real struggle. But, we've moved mountains since then. We went for counseling at the Hallowell Center and it was really great for us. It gave us a forum to discuss our issues with someone who "gets it".
We've learned how to divide and conquer the tasks we need to accomplish as a couple, based on our strengths. For example, anything having to do with planning, or long term planning (vacations, family planning, family scheduling, event planning) that's all me. But, I HATE planning dinner and going to the grocery store. This is his responsibility, and it's sooo worth it to me to have him do this. We try our best to communicate about things that need to get done, and work as a team to finish them.
I'm not saying we are perfect, because we struggle with communication frequently, but i'm thrilled to see this blog. Reading this reminds me that I need to think about the way an ADD brain functions vs. the shortcomings of my husband (which is not fair).
Thanks!
Growing
(This is from tiddletaddle)
Two and a half days to go. My lists of things to do are getting smaller by the day. My man took some days off work this week so he could be more involved with the preparations, but swiftly got distracted and did other things instead, and I didn't try to re-direct him as I had enough to do already!
Today my LD son came home from work and I was climbing the walls with the stress of running from one task to the next to the next that has been going on for weeks now..... and I told him I was very stressed, and not to get on my nerves because I might just blow, and he knows me well enough to realise when he absolutely has to stay calm and co-operative and not ask anything of me.... which he duly did this evening. My man was going to visit this evening - which only would have added to my stress levels because he gets more wired up when I am - but I asked him not to come. So both my men supported my needs, which helped a lot.
I and my nearly husband will grow in our understanding of how best to support each other, given time. When one or both of us are stressed - outside of this wedding prep stage - we quite naturally bring each other calmness and comfort just by spending quality time together, but atm we don't have time to do that!
He has done quite a few tasks, and managed to refer to his list every so often. I have found it easiest to leave him to get on with the things he has taken responsibility for but I usually have a back-up because I don't want big blunders at my wedding!
I am very very happy to be marrying him, and looking forward to all the learning and development. Several times I have wanted to burst with frustration and temporary intense annoyance during this whole process when he has, for instance, announced that he will be doing something else at a time when we had scheduled something that really could only be done at that particular point in the sequence of things, or when he told me he wanted something done a certain way and I had spent hours and driven miles and searched and hunted for this or that thing so it could be done the way we had agreed before he had the new impulse.
But hey, love is where it's at :-) I learn and I grow as a human being though this relationship. Once all the furore has settled down and things get back to some semblance of normality we can take time to practise ways of supporting each other more helpfully and working together more equally - even in very stressful circumstances! And we will, because this love is a gift.
He still hasn't finalised his vows :-)
Planning...
Thanks for sharing, ADDWIFE.
Four months between engagement and marriage is almost as quick as us! Our engagement period will be a total of two months and one day !!!! It seems like you have a good handle on how to work together now, but it must have taken awhile to get there. We are a bit behind you in that regard I think, but learning fast! Great that you could have such useful counselling, and that your husband was happy to participate in that even though he was sensitive about his condition for a long time.
You mention that the first year was a real struggle. I am sure it is for a lot of couples - perhaps less so the older they are but not necessarily - but a marriage with ADD in the equation certainly has it's own very acute tests to manage and shape into learning opportunities. I am pleased that we have decided to not live together..... unconventional perhaps, but sensible I think, for us, at least to begin with. I think it will put a protective coccoon around the fragile new entity of the marriage and allow it to evolve more gently - but I could be wrong! Ask me in a few months time!
I am happy in a planning and organising role, but I know how you feel/felt about the prospect of having to do it ALL. I don't have the time or head space to be doing all his organising as well as my own. And I don't do his generally, I let him do it his way, but planning a wedding - and a quick one at that - is a complex job, and ideally a job for two, but then I guess even when there isn't an ADD partner it is usually the bride who does the bulk of the wedding arranging. We have been up and down several roller-coasters in the last few weeks with it all, and yet I can see that just as you have got to a place where you accept and utilise each other's different strengths without losing unity, so too are we moving in that direction. Not a linear or logical direction of course. Two steps back, one forward, seventeen sideways, etc....
What a trip!