Has anyone experienced a covert narcissist controlling and manipulating someone with ADD/ADHD(dx or ndx)?

I'm looking for advice as my recent ex partner has this happening to her but she is either oblivious to it or not willing to accept it and going along with it, I'm aware that she is the only one who can come to the realisation and take the first steps to make any changes . I shared that I had the realisation that her mum is a covert narcissist and shared evidence to back up my findings, after her mum broke us up with her lies and smear campaign about me.

I'm still deeply in love with my ex (I was planning on proposing and we were going to be buying a house before she unexpectedly broke up with me after spending a night at her mums house after an argument) I mainly just want her to be safe and away from being controlled and manipulated. 

Any personal experience with a (covert) narcissistic parent to a child with ADD/ADHD? Any advice on what to do or not do? 

20+ years of marriage to an ADHD spouse who was just diagnosed about 3 years ago. We have 3 kids who are all teenagers now and still at home. My husband was unemployed for about 6 years and has been employed in a good job for a few years now. He is very smart, creative and talented, and his contributions at work are really appreciated. We have a lot of very typical dynamics in play in our marriage, most notably what I have seen termed the "pursuit-retreat" pattern. This pattern is typical for *anything* that is asked of him outside of his job. He does not do things around or outside the house that were formerly in his wheelhouse (he is very handy and good at repairing things and getting good deals). He spends his time outside of work resting in bed, playing with the kids and overwhelmingly on screens. No exaggeration, nothing in the "adulting" category gets done unless I ask about it, repeatedly (which no longer works at all), he just pretends it doesn't exist. He is very protective and defensive of his downtime and will hurt me verbally if I say anything about him getting up at noon on the weekends and starting his day at 1pm or bringing up stuff that needs to be addressed while he's 'resting'. So we have a couple of cars literally on the verge of breaking down because they are never maintained and another broken down one blocking the garage door so we can't use the garage!! We also have a front yard fence that's falling over, a deck that's falling off the side of the house, mice in the house, etc. This is not the way I would ever choose to live! I find it embarrassing also as we live in a wonderful, close-knit neighborhood where people lovingly care for their homes.

When I press him on something he will say he doesn't feel like doing it and will get angry, make some cutting remarks, and will quickly retreat with his online meditation and headphones to bed. He's very fragile and his world has really shrunk to the size of his safe zone. He is essentially a hermit who talks to almost no one outside the house (and he works from home full time....). He will go to great lengths to avoid having to talk to anyone and is extremely suspicious of people. This is despite him naturally being a pretty upbeat person who formerly showed a real interest in talking with people! The kids and I are very involved in a few different groups/communities and despite being invited, he chooses not to participates in any of it. So it's always me and the kids outside the house while he stays home.

 It's gotten to the point where there is literally no way I can ask that results in him doing the thing, despite him being adamant that it's the way that I ask that is the problem. In other words, it's MY FAULT actually that nothing gets done. He does not admit to his deficiencies, ever. He acts like he is infallible which is a big part of the problem. We have certainly not raised our kids to be like that so he's like that literally in the midst of working through disagreements, apologies, grace, etc. in our household. The kids are now old enough to see the irony and all I can do is say, everyone makes their own choices and we all make poor choices sometimes. They now are beginning to really understand the impact of mental health on everyday life and relationships as they bear the brunt of the dysfunction of the ADHD and RSD quite frequently and they lived through 6 yrs of daddy being out of work while they were old enough to really know what was going on. It's nothing horrible or abusive, just Daddy not acting according to the standards that I have set for their behavior and generally acting more childish than they do!

I spent way too much time and energy thinking about his problems and deficiencies (like loss of family ties and friends).

This is all to paint a picture of where we are at. Yes, he is employed and for that I am deeply grateful, every day. But this guy is a shell of a person. He has no hobbies, no zest for life, gets increasingly isolated as time goes on, and above all, will not hear about any of it, no matter how lovingly communicated, from me. He has shut me out completely. His top priority in life, based on his actions and emotions, seems to be the pursuit of comfort. And the avoidance of anything hard, challenging or unpleasant. 

I have to focus on what *I* can do at this point. I starting reading "Codependent No More" and am very excited about it. I so badly want to be free from these feelings of anxiety and worrying about him. I want to learn how to "lovingly detach" from all of this while still living in the same house. I have to think that others have experienced this. I would love any advice on how to proceed in a HEALTHY manner. I do not want to get divorced at this point, or really at any point. Although I'm not excited about our marriage, I don't feel that feeling of having to get out, either. It would destroy our family and our kids are doing remarkably well, all things considered.

What does detaching lovingly look like on a daily basis, when you are stuck in the house together most of the time? How do I start to carve out my own healthy space and remember who I used to be apart from all of this?

Lately I've been thinking about the partners in ADHD-affected relationships struggling to find their bearings.

Do both the ADHD partner and the non suffer so much from loss of orientation that it can end the relationship?

I seem to read all the time about two individuals who don't share a universe. One feels they are unappreciated and misunderstood and blamed without reason. The other that they are exhausting themselves without reward or effect and their partner behaves like a difficult child.

Wouldn't both experience a major loss of confidence? They don't get their needs met. Their struggles aren't acknowledged. There seems to be no justice, or reason for the partner's behavior. No map, no compass. No logic.

It takes a lot to be a loving partner. If we're too lost, maybe we just don't have what it takes. 

I think of ADHD as a force majeure in my own marriage. Powerful enough to override all good intentions and hard work. Making me so nauseous there was finally no way but to get out.

At this point in divorce, we are so far apart in our views of what's happened, I believe we can never again share one. (Conversations would be futile and we don't have them.) I think we snapped that bond and both of us instantly slammed back into our own perception of the world. I suspect the end of love had to do with orientation and trusting one's own senses finally becoming more important than anything else, for both of us.

We've been married almost 20 years. In the past year, I was "formally" diagnosed with ADHD, although I have been indirectly treating it for 6-7 years (with therapy, meditation, exercise, etc.... I knew those were good things, but they seemed to really really help me). I was diagnosed with ADHD because of how my symptoms presented, but when I did the neuropsych evaluation, I was told my executive functioning and attention skills were average to above average.  My cognitive skills were top 1-2%, though... and it was surmised that the discrepancy between the two likely led to a lot of the same emotional feelings common to ADHD (not living up to potential, etc.). 

I start with that just to point out that I don't think my ADHD is typical in how it presents (anymore). I've always been a hard worker. Always done well at my jobs. Got promoted and promoted and promoted. It took me until I was 25-28 to get a handle on things. And I feel like I owe a lot of that to my wife. Everyone told me what a good influence she was on me. And she was! I wanted to please her and do right by her.  We met when I was 24 (she was 22), and she was oh so patient with me.

Things started going downhill when we had kids. Part of this might've been me and the ADHD but I think part of it was her own background. (Broken home, hints of abuse, but I could never get a full story.)  We have three wonderful kids, but over the years, she got more and more frustrated with me, when I thought things were moving in a positive direction.

We're a single-income family. By chance. (I started working two jobs during the great recession, and she couldn't find work, so it made sense for her to stay home with the kids... and then we wound up homeschooling by chance because our oldest missed the cutoff date for kindergarten by two weeks and we didn't want to pay for another year of pre-school... then moved to a district where public school wasn't an option). I point this out just to say I think there's some resentment in there about roles/responsibilities and patriarchical gender roles that she dislikes. But I thought we were doing it this way as a choice, not because women are supposed to do X and men do Y. 

It took time, but over the years, I started doing more and more around the house. Even after I started making enough money to send the kids to private school 4 years ago. At this point, I'd say housework is 50/50 even though I'm the only one working!  (We listed it out, and in fact, I'm doing more than she is, although she would say that there's invisible mental labor that's not captured... but she also refuses to say what it is.)

Long story short... and this is where it gets rough... this has been a year from hell.  We had been seeing counseling. She wanted to stop.  I switched jobs to take a riskier opportunity that promised more career growth, and it didn't work out.  Calculated risk (that we both agreed to) but I was laid off in June. Haven't been able to find anything other than a bit of freelance consulting here and there. It's been really stressful. 

Our fighting has gotten worse. We are both understandably stressed.  She says she feels "harassed" by me.  I feel like I can't show any frustration. And I know with the ADHD - even when treated - I can be a little... not all over the place... but I have lots of thoughts. And given her background, she's very sensitive to any kind of stress.  If I so much as so frustration, she says I'm being emotionally abusive. She's spent the past months calling me a monster, an abuser, controlling, a narcissist, and she has been lashing out at me in odd ways. I don't think I am any of those things! Although I do understand that you can feel abused without someone being actually abusive. Anyway... as the stress has been building, she has now hit me on two occasions. She said because I was "harassing" her. I was telling her - via text - that I was really frustrated with how she treats me and I'm at the end of my rope. She came downstairs and just started yelling at me to shut the f up and started punching me in the arms and back.

I know this is really stressful. I know hitting is waaaaay over the line. But I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave. I don't want to stay in an abusive relationship. I don't want to stay in a relationship where she thinks I'm an abuser. I'm at a loss. We're still seeing a counselor. But I'm in a hotel right now because I don't want to be near her and she's giving me grief about "abandoning" her with the kids. I told her I'd do whatever needs doing kids- and family-wise, but I can't be around her. I'm at a total loss.

Part of me is just saying to hold on until I find a job and the baseline stress should be much much lower at that point.  Right now it feels like there's not any room for rational conversation.

Long post.  Lots of words. And probably only 2% of the total context. Feels good to type it out, though.