Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • ADHD partner has insight, but lacks action by: ClaraB 7 months 6 days ago

    My husband was diagnosed earlier this year and it's been a hard journey. The diagnosis brought up a lot for him and he went into a pretty unhealthy place for a while. I have stood by him, while giving him space to work through things. He has previously been a very good partner for 5 years before being diagnosed. This is all complicated by his small business ownership and that being a point of contention because of the usual financial and hyperfixation issues. But in the last 2 months we have both made progress towards healthier interactions. 

    He recently went travelling for 3 weeks for work and while he was away, had some realisations or insights into things about himself and us that were quite profound. I felt heard and validated and was really looking forward to him getting home. On his return however, I feel we have taken a number of steps backwards as the stress of business ownership and life in general kicks in. He seems to go into these wound up episodes where I can't reason with him. I know I don't always approach situations with what he needs and I am trying to be more empathetic.

    I do have hope because he is willing to put work in to himself for the sake of our relationship and for himself too. And his insights while he was away proved that he is not in denial about some of the challenging traits of his ADHD. I'm not expecting a crystal ball, but I guess I'm seeking other people's experiences with this. Does insight ever slowly translate into change? Can symptoms be exacerbated after a diagnosis and eventually level out? 

  • A pause in divorce by: Swedish coast 7 months 1 week ago

    Divorce from my severe ADD husband has come to a pause.

    I wonder at my own feelings. I started this divorce. I know I need to finish it. Still what dominates is an urge to reach out for him. Intimately.

    He panicked the last couple of weeks. He accused me of horrible things. He was highly aggressive. He said that my feelings, and our agreements, mean nothing to him. Now, he seems to have regained some hope or other. He's then returned to being soft spoken, humble and kind.

    I see this and think: he's coping poorly. He's the most loyal, the most devoted, but also gravely dysfunctional. The true nature of our love is simultaneously the best imaginable and the worst.

    I do love him. I intend to keep it secret. It just breaks my heart, more than anything else in this. I don't want this divorce.

  • Anyone else really affected by ADHD spouse's poor active listening skills? by: Marriedtopotent... 7 months 1 week ago

    I think my husband has undiagnosed ADHD-a lot of the symptoms fit for him.  The symptom that affects me the most is his poor active listening skills.  When I talk, whether explaining something logistical or just sharing about my day/experience, he often makes very poor eye contact, and doesn't respond at all, or goes on to talk about something else.  Of if he does respond, it is more of a canned response like "oh, that's nice", which has started because I've told him I want more acknowledgment.  When I get upset about this (the poor active listening), he can often, but not always, regurgitate back what I've said to him and he thinks that should be enough because it proves that he really was "listening".  I struggle with this a lot and feel like he's rarely emotionally present when I talk.  When he doesn't actively listen, it leaves me feeling like I'm invisible, like I don't matter, and like I'm not worth listening to. Not only does it make me feel terrible, but it makes me feel disconnected from him, lonely, and hurt by him which then affects our relationship in a number of ways. He claims that I am too sensitive and that the fact that he can regurgitate back what I said should be enough.  So I've been trying to figure out if this is a me problem (too sensitive, insecure attachment, etc) or a him problem (objectively poor listening skills due to ADHD which would bother anyone) or something in between.  So my question is, do any other non-ADHD partners feel this way with their spouse? Feel really affected by their spouse's poor listening to the point that it gets you to want to just shutdown?  Thanks so much for any input as this issue has been causing a lot of pain in our relationship and I feel stuck in knowing how to fix it.

  • Dual ADHD marriage by: Octobergirl 7 months 1 week ago

    Would love to know how many of you are in a dual ADHD marriage. My husband and I both have ADHD, we're best friends and have been married for 34 years and would never leave each other.

    I was diagnosed after we were married, he was diagnosed as a child but I did not know he had ADHD until several years after we were married. I have an ongoing journey since the day I found out. He is in denial that his ADHD affects his life and my life.

    We have fallen into the parent-child dynamic and I'm trying to reverse that. I've been reading her book the ADHD effect on marriage. I'm thinking about asking him to listen to it as well to open the conversation.

    Would love to know what others thought of that and what others have done that have fallen into this situation as well that both have ADHD.

  • I want to understand the ADHD brain science by: BurnedOutLady 7 months 1 week ago

    Please point me to the best resources to understand what we know right now about the science behind ADHD and the brain. 

    I still don't understand what is causing all these symptoms or effects. Is it just the issue of dopamine or is there more?

    My husband has these issues:

    Lack of organization and massive distraction (but only if he is not interested - if so, then hyperfocus)

    Lost in thoughts to the point of not hearing me speak - also this is dangerous while driving

    Very poor short term memory, and forgets conversations we had and agreements we made

    Awful with household chores, cannot pick up after himself, a whirlwind of mess through the day

    Definite rejection dysphoria, cannot handle even a scent of criticism even if he is clearly wrong

    Trouble finishing projects - we have two houses that he built that are still unfinished

    Impulsive decisions, including financially. No planning for the long term, lots of risk taking. 


    Is all of this caused by the same brain issue?
     

    Thank you

     

  • I'm not giving up by: Amducious 7 months 1 week ago
  • Challenges with my new diagnosis and non adhd husband by: Hopeful-and-Fre... 7 months 1 week ago

    Married 13 yrs. Husband suffered a mild mtbi and severe physical injuries from a bicycle accident.  He was hit by a car.  He has fully recovered,  but it took place about 8yrs.

    During that time my adhd symptoms became severe and affected my life dramatically. I think I reacted to his angry outbursts and he often experienced road rage with me in car.   He doesn't remember much about  the accident or several months after. His memory of that time never returned. 

    I have flown under the radar for my whole life.....decades....

    Who triggered who, it doesn't really matter but I walked on eggshells for several years as he healed.

    I guess I lost all my structure when he was hurt so badly by the .  He was often very angry and critical and experienced road rage which was very frightening to me being in the car.

    I was naturally drawn to his type A engineer but I think my adhd has been very overwhelming for him normally.  Now that his rage is under control he is doing great.  My symptoms are off the chart.

    Trying to hang in but not sure if too much damage has been done to our relationship. 

  • Alcohol by: Beachlover68 7 months 2 weeks ago

    So, I'm gonna be real. Anyone else that has used wine as a way to cope w/ ADD of spouse?? I have. Now he is using that weakness against me as yet another way to not be accountable for his ADD which continues to desecrate our marriage. Now he can use my wine habit against me. He doesn't drink at all. Father alcoholic. So, black/white issue to him. I can't win. Ever. 

  • Learning about ADHD is making me even more hopeless by: BurnedOutLady 7 months 2 weeks ago
  • Need to vent by: BurnedOutLady 7 months 2 weeks ago

    I'm sorry. I just .... need to scream. I really need to scream. But it hurts my throat so I can't scream. 

    I am reading the book ADHD effect on marriage. I will have my ADHD husband read it as well. But in the meantime, and even though we are deep into discussion about his ADHD, and ostensibly working on it together, it is in FULL FORCE.

    Short version is that he procrastinated on something important that I spent WEEKS trying my best to get him to do. In the meantime we had an event to do together and I spent WEEKS talking with him about what I would need from him the day before the event. To help me. To show up, ready to help me. He promised to do so. 

    Cut to today, the day before the event. He now has to do his other work that he procrastinated on. He can't be fully available as he promised, and even better, he is doing EXACTLY WHAT I BEGGED HIM NOT TO DO. Which is act put upon by my needs, act like he doesn't think there's much to be done, demand that I tell him exactly what needs to be done even though it is a dynamic situation that requires simply being available, paying attention, and doing what comes up through the day.

    People, I TRIED. I prepared for this for weeks, and still I could not get him to do the basic things needed. And he acts put upon, even though he agreed to be available today. When I tell him he should not have procrastined, he would then be available today, he tells me I'm "chiding" him and he gets angry and defensive. 

    I know. I know. It's all the fucking ADHD. I hate this damn thing. It just makes life so stupidly and unnecessarily stressful. The resentment that builds up is so toxic. The exhaustion of the same damn thing over and over again, no end in sight, and relentless lack of comprehension on my spouses part that is so baffling and infuriating. 

    And worse, our lives and work are all tied up together. We work together. I have to rely on him. And I can only be certain, right now, of one thing. He will somehow ensure that every single time I need him for something like this, he will not show up. It's like he pathologically sabotages everything. 

    How am I going to survive with him? How can I ever be calm and happy? I work with other people and it's no problem. NO PROBLEM. Everything is fine. Smooth. But with him? Always chaos and stress as he takes on too much, procrastinates, ignores things that need doing and does what he wants instead, and then blames me when I finally get frustrated or angry. And when he talks about the past it is always revisionist history. He remembers it as he wants to. 

    I just needed to vent. This is hard and sad. 

    Over and out. 

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