Only within the past 2 months have I gotten up with Dr. Hallowell's writings and I have begun trying to incorperate some of the ideas and concepts that he presents about my ADD into a method of communication my wife and I have adopted through going to couples counseling. I have read and re-read all 3 of Dr. Hallowell's books multiple times, which is amazing since I'm not a voracious reader. Each book tells me more and more about myself and certain pitfalls I've encountered over the course of my life. About 90% of his books applies to my life experiences, and his insights into how to live my day to day life have shown promise. My wife and I attended couples counselling for a while during which we learned a communication method called IMAGO, and the structure of it is outlined by Dr. Harville Hendrix in his book "Getting The Love You Want". Most of the method is sound and I agree with it, there's a few details of it which seem far-fetched, but in practice it has worked miracles in our relationship. Some of the things I like about it are 1)There simply is no blame from person to person in the relationship. Rather it is simply that the offending person simply reminds the victim of a traumatic childhood memory in which emotional pain was caused. In this way its kind of Freudian. For example, my wife doesnt get upset AT ME because I forget to empty our cat's litter box, rather when the litter box is not emptied she feels uncared about in a way which reminds her of a way that her father showed indifference to her when she was young. In doing the IMAGO excersize with her, we place the blame where it belongs--with her father, by role playing (her as a little girl, me as her father). Getting to this raw emotion from her supplies me with the motivation I need to keep the task concrete in my mind and I don't forget. It also frees me from the trappings of blame and guilt which I find paralyzing. 2) In the initial stage of IMAGO (the "sending stage") The offended person can say whatever they want! If I am sending to my wife, for example, about how I hate it when she interrogates me, I can show the anger and rage that I'm feeling without fear of interruption, or hurting her (I never ever ever want to cause emotional harm to her even when I'm at my angriest and most vindictive). In the past before we discovered this method, when I "let the beast out of its cage" I always knew I'd have a lot of mopping up to do even before I got the issue that I needed to feel resolved about resolved. And the best part about this is she has to repeat it too. If I say, "Jesus, You are completely unreasonable sometimes and you make me want to drive my car off a bridge when you talk to me like that." she has to say "I am completely unreasonable sometimes and I make you want to drive your car off a bridge when I talk to you like that." Few things in the world are as validating as direct repitition. That way I know that she knows the gravity of what I'm saying. 3)The results really work. I feel like I really have a partner who backs me up and understands a lot about what makes me tick. For example, I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve--when something bothers me, my facial expression completely alters without my knowledge. Many times I won't even realize that something has bothered me, buy my wife will see it written on my face. When I feel angry, I identified that I feel tension building in my shoulders and arms. During the "gift giving" part of one IMAGO session, I asked her if she could just briefly massage my shoulders and calm me down before trying to talk to me about how I might be feeling. This was quite possibly the best thing in the world. She is able to diffuse me before I go off, and after I am diffused, I can dispose of my "explosives" by talking out my feelings...all this happens usually before I realize that I'm getting upset about something. Another success story of this is that when she cries about something, she needs to be held about 90% of the time. This was initially a very hard thing for me to do because usually when she is crying its because I've messed up and wounded her, and I was fearful of some sort of retribution. Also, I don't like crying. It makes me uncomfortable. I used to not be able to do it for several years, and only recently have I found that ability again, but I still don't like it. I have found though that by hugging her when she cries, I have no reprisal to fear, I make her feel extremely cared about (because she knows its hard for me), and Issues that used to take days or weeks to resolve now only take an hour or two. The system isn't perfect. She takes twice as long to complete her "turn" addressing an issue as me. She also "sends" to me more often, but I realize that my non-confrontational nature is due largely to my ADD, so the answer lies in me sending more often, not her sending less often. Also, when I'm mirroring what she says, its hard for me to remember the order of her exact words. Some artistic lisence is given and understood, but when I mess it up more than twice about something particularly important, it is a source of major frustration. Lastly, IMAGO is always deeply involved. No issue is a quick fix and almost always it requires a big emotional investment. When IMAGO sessions are held several days consecutively I feel too emotionally drained to get into things. That's actually the situation I find myself in today. 2 days ago, the system broke down because I was emotionally spent, and she's been cold to me since. I told her that this was simply a hiatus until I recharged my batteries, but she's been cold as hell to me in the meantime which does not help the recharging process. Ah well. Does it show that I have ADD? The whole point of that was really to ask the questions: Are there other methods out there which are similar to IMAGO which are better suited to couples with 1 or both members having ADD? If you are familiar with IMAGO, are there techniques I can use which will make our sessions go more efficiently and smoothly? Although it seems to be working for us, Is the IMAGO program suited for most couples with ADD?

Hi. My wife is diagnosed with ADHD with a tendency to impulsivity. That was what her report some 7 years ago said. It certainy told us a lot about her difficult teenage years and lack of confidence and esteem. As our marrige matures and the stresses of life have changed - she has virtually shut down. It is so very sad to see and the helplessness involved. I have asked she possible work, join a healthclub, volunteer her time to a good cause, relax, whatever. She has little responsibility outside our home which has degraded until I brought in professional cleaners to make it livable again. I ask with love, pressure, reminder or any technique I can find to no avail. I ask for her help (economically, why not get a PT job?) and she refuses to give even an answer. She refuses to discipline the kids and hasn't cooked more than 3 family meals in 2 months - and she loves to cook. In research and counciling I have discovered the PAPD (Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder) and it seems to fit her last few years behavior to a tea. I am certainly not qualified to diagnose, nor is it my intent to lable - but the behaviors all fit. Blame shifting, shut down, lack of anger communication, building hidden resentment, attacking, no communication, withdrawl, mind spinning arguments, threats, irresponsibility, etc. And on top of it all my determination to survive in an ADHD marrige has led me into a co-dependency - taking all the responsibility and adding to my stressand the circle just keeps spinning. My questions involve any similiar experiences and positive ideas or suggestions. We are unfortunatly in a bad place. There is no health, fidelity or significant money issues - just a struggle with control and responibility. She says she wants to be a complete contributor - but she sits all day and blames me. She says she wants a job but will not look for one and blames me for it. She says she has no friends and it's because I don't like any shes ever had. Shes resurrecting contacts now from 15-20 years ago but leaves the kids home, while I am working, alone to go socialize, shop or eat out. I am in a situation where I could have impact and support - but that seems to come back to bite me as controlling. I can ignore it and shower her with kindness and patience - but she just sits. Oh what to do. The PAPD and this blog both suggest PAPD can be misdiagnosed in an ADHD adult and I cannot understand that or what that means. I simply want the best strategy for all concerned including our two teenagers. What part of ADHD manafests into the PAPD looking personality and why? She takes Adderall and it impacts her pretty strongly. She hyperfocuses for 1/ day and surfs the internet. She depends on it. She as also recently picked up a low grade anti-depressant and the recommendation of her doctor. She's not a mean person but something somewhere is in termoil and I cannot get a correct strategy to support. I have slept on the couch for 2 months now (at her insistance) and am really looking for a positive plan. Divorce? Awfully easy and terminal. Maybe. But I owe the family a good old shot at doing anything I can. Oviously there are some arguments about the daily stresses and child rearing and we have had some disappoitments - but any expression from me is delt with with hostiliy and rejection. I sleep on the couch because I yelled at her over Memorial day. How do you direct or mentor in an uncontrollable way someone that wants something and refuses to move to it and holds you accountable?. Catch-22. Thanks in advance.

Hi all, I have been fairly vocal over the past 2-3 weeks as a new member with a lot to say. The postings have been interesting, informative, insightful, depressing, inspiring, and more--- all at once! I only wish there were more responses, more rapidly.... As a counselor, a professor, and (I hope) a thoughtful person, I would like to state some thoughts. For background, my husband was diagnosed with ADD about 4 years ago and is 43 years old. We've been married for 9 months. Admittedly, I was hesistant to give much credence to his diagnosis early on as controversy abounds in some circles regarding whether or not ADD really exists or is simply a different "way of being". Still, I noticed early on how unique his responses were compared to others I had encountered. After reading countless postings, articles, books, and well, frankly 3 years of getting to know my now husband, I feel more condident in acknowledging that ADD does indeed exist!!!! All that said, I have noticed a common thread in many of the postings, and that is, that ADD is being attributed as the cause of a lot of marital discourse. I think there might be more than meets the eye here... It is nearly impossible to tease apart what ADD, developmental lifespan issues, situational, and/or individual differences bring to the table in terms of helping or hindering a marriage. By lifespan developmental issues, I mean issues related to growing older and being in a long-term relationship (dare I say, mid-life transition?) People get bored. They grow apart. They come to terms with their own mortality at the most, and at the least, are formally introduced to it during middle-age. Secondarily, one needs to take into account situational factors: births, deaths, sudden losses, stressors of all kinds. Things that don't happen every day yet can effect one's mood state and behaviors. Moreover, one's unique, personality/temperment needs to be considered, not to mention one's cultural upbringing. These elements too, play a role in determining one's behavior. When was one born? Where? What was going on at the time? What were the influences of family? School? Life experiences? What about genetics? Add to all of that, the influence of drugs/alcohol, multiple diagnoses, etc. ADD is but one factor and cannot explain all behaviors or all marital discord. There are a whole host of other factors as well. At the end of the day, if our marriage is dissatisfying, it is interesting and possibly helpful to determine the reason, but the reason almost doesn't matter as much as the solution/problem-solving part of it. (This is the cognitive-behavioral theorist in me talking). Causes are somewhat important and interesting to discover yet do not solve the issue at hand without action. It is only when both parties acknowledge something is awry can change be implemented successfully.

Has anyone experienced impulse control with their ADD spouse? My husband and I have very different libidos, and due to our conflicts in marraige, don't always have as much intimacy as he would like. That being said, almost everytime I've gone away on a business trip, I come home to find he's been trolling on adult-only sites of any given variety... he keeps telling me it's the ADD and he can't help himself when I'm not there to temper the urge to "go look". I'm calling this BS... He says the disorder limits his impulse control and I should just not get so upset about it... anyone?