I appreciate this article...but for me it is a little too general. I would have liked it if it was tailored more to how it affects the adhd marriage specifically.

Since I am male I will speak from an adhd husbands experience with pornography. As the adhd spouse, pornography provides the ultimate erotic outlet for the distracted brain. During a typical viewing session there could be at least 40 different tabs open in the browser. Popping between tabs for a few seconds each, with the ability to cycle between varying urges and fantasies in real time create a level of appeal that virtually no spouse can compete with. It might take a decade to convince my wife to try something different in the bedroom whereas I can just hop on the internet and explore an impulse in a matter of seconds with no fear of rejection. The lack of creativity and variety in the bedroom only fuels the hunger for pornography. Especially if you have a spouse that isn't particularly adventurous, likes to keep the lights off, or just keep things really vanilla. 

And even though I know that it hurts her and is wrong, it quickly becomes something that is easy to justify. Simply trying to guilt away pornography only works on me for a few weeks at best until the dissatisfaction sets in and causes a relapse. I think that online pornography is many times more dangerous to an adhd marriage than a typical one.

What I just wish that I could get my wife to understand that I crave variety, sensory stimulation, and frequency. While I am definitely no expert, I believe that a spouse can do or try certain things to make sex more engaging for their adhd spouse and make resisting pornography just a little bit easier.

Thanks for this well-written, insightful article, Melissa. I believe it cuts directly to the heart of so many problems porn causes for women, and I don't think the observations are old-fashioned or out of date in any way for most. Looking past a person's core being in order to mentally "consume" their body is such a degrading way to discount a person's humanity.  Seems like Women's Rights have moved backwards instead of forwards in this area. I especially appreciate your straightforward observations, even if you risk being seen as politically incorrect.

Melissa,

Thanks for this post.  When my wife first realized that I was looking at internet porn over eleven years ago, she tried to not make a big deal out of it.  So did I.  I knew it hurt her, and at that point I was so disgusted with myself that I was able to walk away from it for five or six years.  But I came back to it, harder than ever.  I got better at hiding it and when I started taking ADHD meds--gotten casually from my GP, not an ADHD specialist, so there was no deep understanding of the condition--it just supercharged.  It wasn't so much about masturbation, but more about what I now understand as a craving for dopamine.  When times were tough, when I was feeling bad about myself, when my wife and I were in an argument, it became almost impossible to resist.  Click-click-click.  Just like the rat in the box pushing the lever for cocaine, I could barely click fast enough.  Business trips made it even harder.  I decided to add energy drinks to my already dangerous cocktail of adderall and phentermine (don't ask how that happened!); I kept escalating and escalating the kind of porn and the frequency of use until my impulsivity and inability to make rational decisions completely blew my life up.  The details are gruesome.  What I did without thinking and certainly without self control in no way aligns with the image I have of myself or frankly what most other people think of me.  I had no idea I could hurt someone that much.  It has been the best of times and the worst of times since then--learning, loving deeper, feeling more, flailing to fix myself.

Today, when I read about the sex scandals or substance abuse or immoral behavior of public figures, I look at it completely differently.  I used to think of them as incredibly weak and stupid.  Now I realize that I'm as frail and imperfect as they are.  I have proven that I too can make decisions that are beyond any rationalization.  It is humbling.  You tell yourself all the lies that any abuser tells himself:  "Just this once.  I can handle it--doesn't really effect me.  No one will find out if I use private browsing, so it doesn't really count.  This will be the last time."   Then unexpectedly, because you have been fooling yourself, you look around and everything is in flames.  Starts to sound sort of like an addict, doesn't it?  

I'm still struggling every day to hold on to my wife.  

In learning about the condition and the effects of porn and how it can be fueled by the meds that are supposed to keep us calmer and focused, I came to see that I could be actively aware of situations that could lead me down the wrong road.  I could see it coming and swerve away by modulating the meds.  That was a breakthrough.  But I didn't always swerve away.   Every three or four months it seems my need for that escape creeps back.  And every backslide hurts my wife as much as the major explosion three years ago.  Cue the self-loathing.  Until recently, I've been telling her that it's a hiccup, not important, not about her, more like a video game than it is about sex.  All of which I believed.  But she didn't.  

Just like your wife can tell when you've been looking at porn; even when you're being so smart about hiding it physically, you can't hide the emotional disconnection.  And then you lie about, because you can not bear that look in her eyes and the justifiable wrath that will follow behind it.  And that is the most grievous sin of all.  Because without trust, you don't even HAVE a relationship.  And you find yourself on very, very thin ice.

But now as science is proving that even people who don't have ADHD can have their brain reprogrammed by porn, now vigilant do we with ADHD have to be?  Very.  

The more we see it, even it's just for an instant, the more we need to see it again.  And with our weak pre-frontal cortexes, we are less likely to be able to resist it.  And even though the pain of a setback is searing, a few months from now, we don't even remember that pain.  How awesome!  Hey-we can't remember what we had for dinner last night.  Even negative reinforcement is less than effective.  So guard yourselves.  Here's a very good overview of the research regarding the effect of porn on the brain: http://www.alternet.org/story/148399/how_porn_can_hijack_your_brain  (I know you don't like links on the forum, but this is an informative one.)

I decided I needed to write this after reading a couple of posts trying to make the point that porn is harmless or the use of it is inconsequential.   Just control yourself, dude!  For people with ADHD especially, that just isn't true.  A bomb is pretty harmless too--just sitting there quietly, not really bothering anyone, until either accidentally or on purpose, a button gets pushed.  Then all hell breaks loose.

When I read this, I must say found myself torn between agreeing with much of it while at the same time feeling there were a lot of points that dealt with symptoms and consequences and avoided the more complicated issue of root cause.  It’s just my personal opinion but to me empathy comes most easily when there is a good understanding of root cause.  In the absence of this what you end up with is not empathy but guilt.  Guilt is never productive.

I agree, that porn is not personal...  it comes with no expectation or judgment, it is neither wrought with ubiquitous personal politics nor is it judgmental or shaming.  It is free from all fight to the death mind-games,   it is free of the awkward empty feeling when a partner who would rather not be there but feels resentfully obligated to participate in a what they clearly now view as a distasteful activity, one they have come to view as long ago redundant within the relationship.

Porn is not personal...but neither is having a lover for whom  the physical aspects of a relationship are a chore, and while it is true that porn *is* degrading,  one partner having to put on an act while the other tries to block their partners obvious distaste to me at least as degrading. This becomes an abuser and the abused dynamic, and it is as toxic to a relationship as any porn.

Perhaps porn is sought out often precisely because it is not personal.  One could know that it is exploitative, but feel it is at least nameless exploitation. It is not the person you are supposed to love that you are exploiting, but rather an easily accessed substitute for a primal need that goes unfulfilled.  Porn exists because of an unmet biological need, this is the ugly reality. It exists to fill a void, a void created by relationship dynamics most often vastly more complex than the caricature description of a simple addiction to a cheap thrill.  It needs to be seen as symptomatic of a much broader issue of gender biology and the cultural constraints with which it conflicts.

It's the old cliché "sex is all men think about" (this cliché in itself being a pejorative).   In an evolutionary sense there would be few reasons for this other than this drive conferring some sort of long term advantage, with the obvious candidate being greater likelihood of passing on genes and in a broader context, the development of a diversified gene pool.

So what has this to do with porn? Well there is a conflict; we have a cultural context that requires that men constrain a deeply ingrained instinct, except that we think about sex all the time because biologically it makes sense to have sex for us as frequently as possible (and to be blunt, with as many suitable mates as possible), our brains and bodies are screaming this at us constantly.... it is just that we can't.  99% of porn is made for men because it provides a simulated fantasy environment where men can imagine themselves spreading their genes to the four corners of the earth. If you pardon the pun, the visuals that go along with it are just a means an end.    To state the bleeding obvious Women's bodies don't operate the same way; men can biologically do their part in making babies with almost no risk.    Having children for women is dangerous; it makes sense from a evolutionary stand point for this to be limited in environments where survival prospects are high.    

It is not a revelation then that in long term relationships it is far more likely for a woman to lose interest in sex than it is for the man (research it if skeptical). This makes total sense; a woman after all potentially has a lot to lose by pushing her luck when it comes to giving birth(i.e. her life).  Once the baby making activities are done, then what practical point does sex serve?   Taken further why it is that menopause is frequently associated with a large reduction of libido? One can’t breed anymore, therefore sex is from a biological perspective redundant, no point in the body wasting precious resources on a pointless activity right? The production of hormones is expensive biologically speaking, so why would the body continue to do it?   

So monogamy comes fraught with difficulties; Men and Women often have contrasting biological instincts, and any serious discussion of porn ought to acknowledge this reality so that strategies can be developed to manage these in the context of a long term relationship where monogamy is the expectation.

It is unfortunately all too easy to simply view porn as a moral issue, or one or inadequate self-control, this is a convenient conclusion where issues can be neatly categorised into absolutes, in doing so, we ignore a vast amount of evidence that points to a more nuanced conclusion:  Porn is ubiquitous; the market for it is immense, and it is growing, and most interestingly not only via the big corporate interests you would think,  where there is need there is demand,  where there is demand there is supply, the vast amount of supply really just indicates a vast need.  

 From the very earliest scratching on cave walls, porn has been a constant. All that has changed is the ease at which it can be accessed.  The simple fact is that men have always been attracted to imagery that arouses; men have evolved to be much more visual, simply as a short cut circuit to facilitate a desire to have sex and therefore breed.   This would be why lingerie exists, why women make themselves up (red lipstick and blush?), why a lot of women’s fashion wear is more revealing etc. and that is also ultimately why porn exists, I could go into the development of the camera, video, the internet etc. and highlight the close relationship all these technologies have had with porn, but that that would turn an already long post into a thesis, it does make for some very enlightening reading though.    

 It is obviously true that for some people porn is a compulsive behavior, what is characterised as an “addiction”, and for these people there is something clearly way out of balance;  any single activity that so dominates one’s life as to get in the way of normal function is obviously going to result in serious dysfunction.   However, I would go out on a limb and say that in most circumstances although the porn may be a source of great angst in the relationship, there is likely to be far more to it than meets the eye. Some men clearly are unable to reconcile their impulses with the reality of their own lives, and for these men porn becomes a refuge and an escape with all the obvious disastrous consequences.

More broadly however and at risk of being hung drawn and quartered, I wanted to raise the role of women in this equation, because ultimately progress relies on Men and Women conquering or at least tempering their biological instincts. And discussion of this tends to be taboo and one dimensional. 

I have stated before and will state again I have no sympathy with the notion of any one having to do anything they don’t want to do, to do otherwise is simply going to aggravate the situation and end up with the abuser/abused dynamic; and believe unless you are one of those brain dead oblivious males (of which I freely admit there are many) a resentment of this dynamic is likely to be intense and equally shared.           

 At the end of the day, only individuals own their own sexuality, and therefore have a personal interest in working on the elements of it that are the cause of conflict in a relationship if a sustainable relationship is indeed what they desire.  I would venture that it can be just as degrading to feel used up and discarded as a live in sperm donor as it is to have ones partner seemingly carried away by a porn obsession.   Both are signals loud and clear that one or the other has outlived their primary usefulness.         

For men, to state the obvious, porn can be a substitute for an unsatisfying and frustrating physical relationship, and this in itself can be a vicious cycle in that it can lead men to have unrealistic expectations of what everyone else is supposedly doing.      Porn is threatening because it is always at the ready, most of it is performed by seasoned pro’s who practice like a sports star would.    It is also threatening because it implicitly signals to women that the man is not satisfied by what is on offer, that what they are providing is inadequate.  Of course when seen in that context it is going to be threatening.  Even more the case if there is an underlying grain truth.   

I think it a mistake to assume that men want their partners to be porn stars,    I would say for most men this is just not the case, what they are most likely really looking for is a partner who exhibits that they are comfortable and confident with their own body, is able and willing to express their desires, is not afraid to take the lead and makes a concerted effort to be an active participant, in short they are looking for a partner with which to share. 

In society where male/female roles are suffocatingly defined, I think our physical relationships present a safe and trusting environment to find a level playing field.    For most men, sex needs to be fun as well as adventurous, sometimes spontaneous and it needs to be unpredictable, and you know it also needs to be a place where we can escape the stereotypes that seem to define us as men. 

Routine, predictability and an obviously disinterested partner going through the motions are a recipe for boredom, and because of its vast scope porn is a great reliever of sexual boredom.  It may be tempting to think men are oblivious and only chasing their own happy ending,  but for the most part I would like to think we are actually reasonably astute at picking up if our partner is present in the moment…and if not sex is such a uncomfortable experience that porn looks like the less complicated alternative.      

And one of the hard truths is that for men, part of what constitutes an exciting sex life may not always be a case of gazing lovingly into our partner’s eyes, in reality at least part of the time men can be a little more reptile than that; I know this may seem as objectification rather than to emotional ideal, and I can’t honestly truly deny it, but the truth is… I think we are hard wired to find this a thrill, it is no reflection on the love we have for our partner’s, and in fact although it may seem there is a lack of tenderness in the moment, this tenderness may simply deferred to situations outside of the bedroom.  

So, if you examine it, what do the inclusion of a spontaneous, adventurous, unpredictable, and an occasional more primal element in a man’s sex life achieve?  It serves to fill that void that our instinct screams at us we need and that in the cultural context of monogamy goes otherwise unanswered.  And what does it achieve for a woman in the relationship? Well self-assuredness, a sense of control over one’s own destiny, likely a greater level of tenderness, a closer bond, and hopefully a greater willingness for you partners to listen.         

I am aware that this may sound like I am pushing all of it back onto women and making the habits of their husband their responsibility. This is not what I mean at all, it is just that like everything in a relationship, it takes two to tango.  I think it hard to overestimate just how much time can be spent by men ruminating over what they feel is an unsatisfying sex life, the resentment and the search for a stress outlet can be immense and it can be incredibly heartbreaking to feel like your life is slipping away while you wither on the vine. 

I would not for a second want any of this to be seen as me saying that women should just ignore all the other relationship issues, miraculously get in the mood and play a part they don’t feel or don’t feel comfortable with,   nor would I claim that there aren’t millions of men who are selfish, clueless and sadly don’t have the faintest idea that sex is not just masturbation for there own selfish pleasure with a conveniently shaped implement.

But I do think Melissa as an issue it is far more complex than the dot points outlined here, I also think it an issue where the perpetrator/victim divide is not as black and white as one may imagine.  

Alrighty then, fire away :)

The porn argument reminds me of my ex's problem with beer. He drank beer a lot. It made him fart in bed at night, have smelly breath in the morning, and worse, he was MEAN and argumentative when he drank. However, rather than acknowledge these issues, he would try to argue and prove that he was not an alcoholic, as if everything was oK as long as he wasn't addicted.

My argument was that as long as he would give drinking beer in a higher priority than ruining his family life, whether addicted or not, he had a severe problem with alcohol. Maybe the same can be said for porn. If it affects your homelife and you won't give it up, you have a definite problem and porn is "bad".

My husband has informed me that since I "don't want" sex, that he will just get some porn magazines. We have been married for a long time. I'm in midlife (post menopausal) and have absolutely no sex drive at all. I love him very, very much, so it's nothing to do with him. He feels hurt and rejected. I have offered to "gift" it to him and be there for him, but he feels like a "charity case". This is hurtful to me, as I do love him. Everything is great in our marriage except for sex. Not sure what do do. I take an anti-depressant and that may be a cause of no sex drive. I read the responses about porn and certainly understand that a man needs release; however, I'm not sure why I feel like I don't want him to take care of himself with porn. Any info on how to "develop" a sex drive would be appreciated. I'm a Christian and don't feel that I want to watch it to help in this area, as I'd feel like I was doing something against my beliefs.  Sure would appreciate any ideas. I have begun to exercise more and am hoping that helps since I am 60 pounds overweight. We are both overweight, but my husband is fine with my and his weight.

For the purposes of this blog and the folks reading it, while this entry is very personal and comes from the heart, these problems are not exclusive to porn or wives, for that matter.  And definitely not to ADHD, though ADHDers may find the constant stimulation of porn to be a good target for their hyperfocus.

I recognized many of the emotions and anguish in this post...but not from any problem with porn.  In our relationship, we are very open about our sexual attraction to and for others, even though we are both very monogamous people.  We can discuss the physical attractiveness of a man or woman we see across the street, and we giggle over our (sometimes weird!) sexual dreams.  (The subconscious is a strange place, and we don't hold dreams against one another.)  We have also watched porn together at times, but it tends to make my male SO uncomfortable and he doesn't enjoy it.  I sometimes watch porn for my own enjoyment, which he knows about and does not mind.  If he watched porn for his own enjoyment, I couldn't hold it against him since I also enjoy well-done porn.

I could see it becoming a problem for us if he was watching it for hours and neglecting me in the bedroom, but it's not a problem we have.  And I think that a discussion in the comments of this post isn't going to resolve the debate about whether porn can be feminist (for the record: I believe porn and sex work can be feminist, so long as everyone is a willing, adult, enthusiastic participant who enjoys the work).  So I think I will skip porn and talk about what struck me in the post.

The emotions I recognized from the post have come up in problems with retroactive jealousy (jealousy and resentment of past sexual partners).  The feeling of "unspecialness," of being with someone you thought you knew but don't at all, and of being lied to...these things are identical to other forms of jealousy, and can be brought on by finding out about a real live mistress or by hearing in too much detail about a partner's past sexual partners and experiences.  Until the partner can come to grips with the idea that if one person in the relationship has a problem then that means there is a problem - regardless of the other person's feelings! - then nothing will be accomplished and the anguish and resentment will continue onward.

I think this article addresses important things.  However, I think it's framing as universal an experience that is highly individual.  Not all women think porn is revolting, and not all people who have problems with a partner enjoying porn are women.  I think this article could be more helpful if it addressed the feelings of sadness and jealousy that can come about from being the partner of an ADHD person, since those with ADHD in my experience tend to crave the stimulation of multiple partners, unwise sexual choices, and yes, porn too.

"My husband uses porn! All my assumptions are wrong! Sex isn't meaningful to him," she thinks. How do we know that's true about him? Can we absolutely know that because he masturbates with porn, that sex with her is not meaningful to him? Maybe he does care, sex IS really meaningful to him, and porn is just a poor but convenient substitute. 

When I'm coaching folks, I like to turn these painful thoughts around to the self: Is sex with your husband all that meaningful to you? Is it truly important to you? Maybe this is an opportunity for this wife to look at whether or not sex with her husband is truly meaningful to her, and if it is, to make sure her behavior reflects that. Along with her feelings of hurt about the porn use, she could tell him how meaningful sex with him is for her. I'm sure he'd be open to hearing that. This is not to say he doesn't need to stop using porn--this is a personal decision, and every individual or couple has their own bottom-lines, even sex addicts set their own bottom-line behaviors--but the conversation might benefit from a soft start-up like, "You know, sex with you is so meaningful to me." 

For Him: The story she's telling herself around porn is really painful for her. She really believes that because you use porn to masturbate that you don't like meaningful sex with her. She's worried you're a sex addict, or some kind of sociopath, most likely. It's time for you to do some listening to your partner. You don't have to buy into her story that you're some kind of sex robot now, but you can reassure her. Reassurance would be a good plan right now.

How important to you IS your sexual relationship with your wife? And how important IS porn to you? Could you give porn up for a month, see what happened, would that be easy enough? Consider the possibility. See what you might learn. If you find you can't quit when you want to, you may have a form of sexual addiction that is damaging your relationship. So 30-days is a good test. 

"When a wife discovers her husband likes porn, she’s likely to struggle to maintain her high opinion of him. ‘He likes that? I must have misjudged whether or not he’s a respectful, and respectable partner.’"

Women feel a lot of stress about what it means that her husband/partner likes this "gross" porn stuff. "My husband likes porn. I find it degrading, so he's not a respectable partner." is the logic. Maybe he's neither disrespectful or repugnant, but just turned on by something (having sex on a car, I don't know) that she finds revolting. 

The erotic mind is a funny thing. When our sexual tastes are formed, there is a huge emotional component, but it's not just happiness, closeness and safety that create our sexual blueprint. Anxiety, fear, guilt or anger are also often a part of it. Anxiety, or feeling like you're "about to get caught" (by having sex outside, on a car, for instance) can heighten and intensify the sexual experience for some people. Porn doesn't sell only the happy, close, safe, feelings that yield arousal.  It also sells the angry, embarrassed, anxious parts of our erotic minds. Negative emotions make people feel uncomfortable--stir in some porn, and you've got a volatile mix. 

What turns him on might turn her off, and vice versa. She might need total safety and all the blinds down to feel aroused. I know she doesn't want him judging her on her "prudishness" and "frigidity" just because he didn't understand the emotional component of her arousal. Judging each other for sexual tastes and preferences is not a good plan. You want to try to open up the lines of sexual communication. 

Porn is like the perfect mistress.

Porn is quite convenient. I think someone said that on this thread--it's just so much easier than spending three hours coaxing, massaging, working up to it, warming her up. But you get out what you put in. (or something like that ;) If stopping by Wendy's on your way home for a Number 1 is enough for you, because you don't want to put the work into planning any meals, shopping for great ingredients or learning how to prepare them, then you'll end up eating fast food that night, or every night. For some people, fast food every night is what they do. For some people, porn every night is what they do. It's not nearly as rewarding, satisfying, fulfilling or joyous as great sex with your partner--but you gotta be willing to put in the work, emotional and otherwise. Perfect mistress? Maybe. Or maybe just a cheap, convenient one. 

The completely impersonal (and fake?) nature and appeal of porn is not so easy to comprehend.  And you chose this…thing…instead of coming to find her to enjoy sex…Face it, you chose porn over her and that’s just plain insulting.  You could have been with her…but you weren’t.  If you justify it by saying that your relationship or sex life has been in trouble, it’s still an insult.  Most women are eager to “work” on their relationship if needed (hence the success of the self-improvement industry).  But instead of working on your sexual or relationship problems together, in her opinion you took the “easy way out.”  No wonder she’s mad!

I think there is room in a relationship for both solo masturbation and partner sex. It may even be beneficial for each partner to learn about themselves through masturbation, without having the pressure of their partner's needs to think about. However, if you're leaning over to masturbation in order to AVOID having sex with your spouse because you're angry or resentful, that is an avoidant and distancing behavior, and sexual stonewalling. And that needs to be addressed, just like stonewalling would be. You as a couple can decide that avoidant use of porn/masturbating is a "not allowed" behavior. 

Porn is ready and available if he decides he wants it again, no matter what she thinks or does.

This is true. His decision to use porn is his business, after all. The thing about trying to legislate your husband's use of porn is that, while he may agree initially, he's doing it for you and not for himself. You gotta get buy in. He's got to buy in to the idea that porn use is hurting your relationship, which hurts him AND you. Otherwise, he's not going to be truly sold on the idea, and that will set him up to start hiding it and lying about it, which might lead to even more dishonest behavior. He may not really, truly believe that he's hurting you-- he may start to doubt his agreement to quit porn, because he never truly believed that he was hurting you. The thought process continues like this: "What she doesn't know won't hurt her, what does she care what I do in the bathroom once or twice a week, I'm a man I need a release, This is my business, not hers." 

This second betrayal is even worse than the first one.  As one woman told her husband in a session recently, “The first time I could say that you didn’t understand how porn would hurt me.  But now I’ve explained it and you’re still using it!  How hurtful is that?  Don’t you care about me at ALL???”

If he starts hiding and lying about his porn use, and then he's discovered, she will likely feel devastated and doubly betrayed. However, back to my last point-- he may not have bought into the idea that porn was a bad thing. It may be that he was just "doing it for her" which never sticks for long. It's not that he doesn't love her, or care about her, he just hasn't bought into the idea that it's truly harmful to her, or to the relationship. He needs to be honest about his feelings about it, if he really doesn't think it's a problem, or her business, he needs to say that to her. And if she really cannot tolerate living in a relationship with a man who uses porn, then she should draw that line, and let the honest negotiations begin.