ADHD and Marriage: Changing What Never Changes

Boy, but can I sympathize with you. I understand the pain of this sort of thing, and the real sucker punch it does to your self-esteem.

http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/add-and-selfishness#comment-5234

You don't have to handle his birthday commitments for him, and don't let him guilt you into doing it.  If he wants to send a card or gift to his mother, fine.  If not, fine.  If she has a problem with this, she can talk to him directly about it.

As for his birthday - if you have the desire to throw him a big party, then do so.  If you don't, then explain to him that this year you don't have the money/time/energy/desire to throw a big party.  If he feels disappointed at that, sit him down and talk about your feelings about how the party throwing has been going in general.  You may find that he plans his own celebration (a night at the bar, or whatever.)

As for your birthday next year - have him mark in his electronic calendar NOW a big 'X' that reserves whatever time of day you want him to reserve for you so that when that conflict comes up he can tell them he's already busy.  For this year, I would handle it by saying that celebrating your birthday within a week or two is fine, but that you won't plan it - that's his job.  Then, confirm a date RIGHT THEN for the celebration so that he has a deadline and can refuse other conflicts that come up.

Your sons - insist that your husband participate in the planning and execution of their parties, if you throw them.  That way you and he both are modeling that special dates are important.  (As you point out, you don't want to model that they are only important to the mother of the family).

Family or couple meetings may help you iron some of this out.  You deserve to have a way to express your frustration, as well as set some specific dates and reminders between the two of you, so that you aren't considered a "whining shrew".  Usually, a set structure can help because then it isolates the times of the whining and frees up other times of the week for more positive interactions.

someone with ADD left on my blog. I was talking about learning to work around ADD symptoms. He mentioned that he sets his MS Outlook to remind him every day for the week (or maybe it was two) leading up to a person's birthday. He said it's the only way he remembers to get his act together.

I think that if your husband wants to make a fuss, he needs to make it a priority to figure something out. Unfortunately, that means you will probably have to work with him to brainstorm an idea and then figure out how to make it work. Something like notes in his PDA or online calendar or whatever. That way, if he goes to schedule something, he'll see that he can't because there's already something on that night. It will also remind him to get working on the actual festitivies.

From what I understand ADDers have a much easier time with projects if they break it up into small pieces. So, if he wants to throw you a big bash, he should set up some reminder for himself for a few days straight to brainstorm ideas for your party. Then, he should break each thing up into small components: Call your relatives one day, call your friends the next, call the restaurant to book the reservation on the third day, etc. Until the whole thing is done. If he only has to tackle one item at a time, he will be less likely to get overwhelmed. And if you're worried about him coming up with practical ideas, you could always ask a good friend to help him out with brainstorming and then help him figure out which tasks to do and in which order. Just be clear that she should not take on the whole thing herself, but rather should help him create a workable plan that he can realistically do.

But now he drives to visit clients at work and always wants me to do our personal driving. I'm tired too. It feels like he's trying to control me. "You have to perform the duties of a servant while I am the served." Like he's lording it over me, like my work and my phyisical limitations mean nothing, like he's the most important person in the relationship and I'm just there to serve his needs.

I've posted about the troubles he had with a police officer who didn't like the way he was driving and gave him a (totally unjustified) DWI. Now I have to give him a small settlement I got for an accident I had to pay for his lawyer, etc. I know the DWI charge was not his fault, but the money I have to pay his lawyer could have paid for medical care for me, or tickets to a major national sporting event that I'm desperate to see, that will be in our city in 2011. I am furious that he wouldn't drive right (when I know he can), and now it is going to cost me, and I wasn't even there. It won't cost him anything. Just one more way the non-ADD spouse is punished for marrying the ADD guy.

He has indicated he "can't" pay for a lawyer (really, it would be difficult) because they cut his salary at work and he's "too tired" to work a second job like I do. But why does everything fall on me? Why do I have to fix this?

SueAnn,

Your post sounds like one I could have written 5 years ago.  I'm not there anymore, and I just want to share how I am no longer living like this.  I was a classic enabler and felt like I had to fix everything.  Then afterwards, I would see myself as a martyr.  My counselor told me that we had a pattern.  Your husband misbehaves, you get mad and rant, he knows if he holds out you will cave and things are back to where he wants them.  He will let you take care of his problem.

I learned that I didn't value myself, my needs, or my wants.  You said "Why do I have to fix this?"  This is the kind of thing I would tell myself, but what I learned is that I DO NOT have to fix the consequences of his misbehavior.  I began to let the natural consequences fall and I began to put myself first.  Just act and you don't have to say a word.  Get your financial affairs separate  and let him answer for his behavior.  If you don't take care of yourself, no one else will.  What really helped me was to take a lot of time thinking about what I valued and how I had compromised my values to the point that I was chronically depressed and feeling as though I was helpless.  I would suggest that you Google a list of values and just read through them, noting the ones that jump out at you. 

When I read my list I knew immediately the ones that spoke to my heart, and I reclaimed them.  I said I would start making all my decisions line up with these values.  No more emotional outbursts, no more emotional decisions to fix someone else's misbehavior.  No more enabling. I learned that I am not helpless, but I had to start making different choices.  I had to learn to shut my mouth when he'd misbehave and expect me to fix it.  I suddenly knew that I was respecting what I valued the most, and I truly loved when I allowed another person to experience reality.   I will warn you that it tooks me months of consistency to change the enabling behavior I had allowed to rule me for years.  I would also suggest that you get a buddy who understands and will honestly tell you when you are slipping into the old pattern.

Brenda

So what would happen to this man if he weren't married to you?  How would he pay for that lawyer?  My logic isn't that the non-ADHD spouse should take on everything.  And I certainly don't feel as if the non-ADHD spouse should stifle herself (or himself) in order to survive.  You have a life, too!

Quite frankly, if he's a competent driver then it's only fair to split the driving.  He has to drive to work, too?  Too bad!  You have to work two jobs.  Or, perhaps he doesn't think that makes you too tired to drive?

Stand up for yourself when it's important - and look underneath for reasons why things are happening in your relationship.  You say you feel as if he's trying to control you - trust your gut, maybe he is.  Or, maybe he figures that you'll go along with it (even if you complain) so therefore it's "fine".

I am trying to say - CHANGE the next interaction.  In your case, perhaps that change means that you refuse to drive and explain to him why you won't?

What a brilliant idea. I wish I had thought to do this. I don't know if he would have gotten any further with it than your husband did, but it would have been worth a shot. One never knows, and hope springs eternal.

I'm right there with you guys.  I do prefer my world better but some days I would love to switch rolls and be able to accomplish absolutely nothing and not have a care in the world.     

There's a big difference between "being different" and valuing that and being incapable of effectively communicating or responding to people around you.  If she didn't feel threatened by your requests to "turn it down a notch" she would likely not interpret your question about meds as an insult.  (By the way, "did you take your meds?" and "how are / are your meds working?" are REALLY loaded questions for folks with ADHD.  The underlying question (not in your case, but usually) is a sort of back-handed insult (as in "I don't really see the meds working" and "you are misbehaving...I bet you didn't take your meds today...")

Perhaps your conversations need to center around what she loves about her that make her feel great about herself and her artistry so that you can also talk about other parts that maybe aren't so important to her that she might be willing to "give" on. Or, perhaps putting it a better way - so she understands you don't want to change who she is as a person, just some of the habits that most effect you and aren't that important to her.  Everyone has these habits - things we do that we could do differently without much fuss.  For example, she might think that being a "free spirit" is wonderful, which it is.  But does that extend to interrupting others in mid-sentence, or is that just impulsivity?  She might think that "leaving my mind open to all stimulus" is wonderful, which it is for many artists.  But are there ways she can carve out part of her day or week so that the two of you can have structured, non-free-form conversations about logistics in the household?  (I'm making up these examples, as you can see, but perhaps they'll give you some ideas.)

ADHD traits have what Ned Hallowell calls "mirror traits" - many can be thought of in two ways (i.e. hyperactivity can also be seen as high energy)  There is a discussion of this in "Superparenting for ADHD" and it might be helpful for your conversation.  You shouldn't have to (or want to) ask her to change who she is at her core - just to acknowledge that to be a successful partner she needs to deal with the fact that it isn't just all about her.

This sounds just like my wife. She is an artist as well and I go through the same things you are going through. I pray for you and your wife.

Radiolady...good luck to you and your husband. 

I can't agree with Dan any more.  Too often, I feel (and to be honest...I think I was one of them at one point) people think getting diagnosed and going on meds is "the cure" and its now dealt with and we're moving on happily ever after. It couldn't be further from the truth.

Diagnosis and medication is only a first step in a long journey.  Your husband has spent 50+ years developing his habits and compensating behaviors.  Even if he is fully engaged and accepting of his circumstances, he's metaphorically being asked to learn how to walk and speak a new language all over again.  Its a daunting task even for the most committed people.  We haven't even mentioned the fact that many around him will expect him to be "cured" and "get it right the first time", assuming they even understand what it is he is dealing with in the first place.  Most men of his generation won't understand it, nor will they bother to try.

I'm not asking you (or anyone else that chooses to support someone with our condition) to feel sorry for him or excuse his behavior.  Just understand that compounding your husband's struggle with ADD (or the denial of its existence) is decades of his accumulated habits, societal beliefs, and his own internal frustration at dealing with the world he lives in.  Yes, its extremely frustrating to deal with someone in denial.  I suspect many ADD'ers wind up there because they don't want to deal with the pain and frustration of disappointing everyone around them any more.  In my case, I think I struggled with the denial because for the longest time, no one knew why I did what I did, least of all me.  Rather than continually face ridicule, shame, and frustration, its easier to shut down and withdraw.  Emotional disconnection is something men come by easily, unfortunately.  Give a man 5 decades to perfect his disconnection, and its hardly any wonder that he can't find himself.

For you, I think its a question of do you want to help him through the denial and help him reach acceptance--and will you be okay with him if he is unable to get there?

Radiolady, you seem to be on the right track in many ways.  You are right that you need to take steps to protect yourself financially.  There are other posts on this website that address coping with money matters, I strongly recommend you take a look at them.  Regarding paying your bills, I don't know if you can get much help from any credit card companies, but other creditors like utilities may give you some additional time or accept partial payments if you contact them and discuss your situation with a supervisor -- I would try explaining that your husband has been diagnosed with a mental disability which affected his ability to work, but now he is getting treatment and you are working to turn things around over the next several months.

In my experience, it's important to make yourself as independent from your spouse as possible.  Until he adjusts to his medications and learns new habits and behaviors (and LaTuFu is right, this could take a very long time, and considering your husband's age, may be very limited), you probably cannot rely on him, so you need to be as self-reliant as you can manage.  Take care of yourself as best you can -- make sure you get enough sleep, try to use some relaxation techniques, find out if the VA will provide *you* with any free counseling (or maybe you can do some sessions jointly with your husband).

You have a lot invested in your relationship (as did I when my husband was diagnosed in his early 40's, after 20 years of marriage), and while the meds and counseling are definitely not any kind of "cure" -- there is no such thing with ADD --  they *can* make a significant difference.  It took my husband and me more than 10 years to work things out (probably would have been shorter if I'd had this website to help! but I was groping in the dark), but now we've managed to resolve most of our issues and have a really good relationship again.  It takes a lot of work -- but the way I looked at it, it was probably going to take almost as much work, and probably with less payoff, if I left him -- I wouldn't have been able to depend on him for child support, I couldn't be sure he would honor custody arrangements, and I'm sure there would have been recurring problems with getting my fair share of our retirement money (which would have included his pension) down the road -- actually, I couldn't even be sure he'd stay with the meds and counseling if I weren't around, and then who knew what might happen?  These kinds of questions (and others) are all important considerations in determining your path forward.

So, please avail yourself of all the experience and insight available here through the blogs and posts!  Many of us have been in similar situations and can offer ideas about the kinds of things that have worked (or not) for us.   Hang in there, good luck!

There are phrases you use in your notes that suggest that you might be suffering from depression, and could benefit from treatment, as well.  I'm not a doctor, but one could work with you to see if you are clinically depressed.  If you are, medication can help ease some of the unbearable feelings you have.  (It's not uncommon for spouses of people who've had untreated ADHD to become depressed.)

You are moving in the right direction - setting boundaries for yourself is important (see my blog post on boundaries in the favorites section) and also Arwen's advice to make sure you feel comfortable that you can be self-sufficient as best possible can take away some of the stress.  Supporting a person who has ADHD doesn't mean doing everything for them - a better way is a sort of "loving detachment".  He will benefit from treating ADHD - but treatment includes both physical changes (medications, exercise, sleep all cause physical changes that help in ADD treatment) and behavioral changes (new habits that address long-standing issues).  A big problem will be that he often won't "see" what needs to be done...have patience with this.  If you push him really hard, he'll get defensive and continue to not see it.  If you can be encouraging in your persistence, you'll do better. (Think dealing with teenagers for a good comparison.  Push them too hard and you get nowhere.)

Best of luck to you.

You've done everything you possibly could, you can't force him to accept what he doesn't want to.   I'm sure you know that inside your head, but it may take a while before you know it in your heart too.  It's not failure when you decide you don't want to sacrifice your entire life to suit somebody else, let alone without anything even remotely like reciprocation.

I think  -- I hope -- you will begin to feel differently after you actually stop living with your spouse.  When my husband and I separated, I experienced a great feeling of relief.  Our son, who was still living in our home at the time, told me I seemed a lot happier being separated -- I laughed more, I sang while I did chores.  Inside, I didn't feel happier, exactly, but I was certainly hugely less stressed.  It wasn't until I experienced these changes that I realized just how high a toll my husband's problems had been taking on me.  It helped me to understand our relationship more objectively.  If my husband had not been willing to work hard to resolve our problems, I would have been able to go through with a divorce without a qualm, which is definitely not how I would have felt before we separated.  My husband did not want a divorce, and was willing to do the hard work, so we ended up getting back together and staying married.  But I definitely came at our relationship from a better, more rational state of mind.  I hope you will experience this same kind of revelation at some point soon.

My prayers are with you, I wish you peace and strength and better luck in  the future.

Again and again..my heart goes out to you.  I was where you are a couple of years ago.  I finally made it through the divorce (we were married over 25 years).  I still cry over the lost marriage, but I know I could have done nothing else.  I had to leave to be safe, to be healthy, and to be happy.  You are going through one of the toughest times right now.  It will not be easy.  But life is too short to be miserable because someone you love doesn't want to do the things necessary to make life better for you.  You've done what you could for him.  Now you must do for yourself.

Hello, I'm a man with ADHD, and getting divorced because of the ramification of it going undiagnosed too long; we didn't communicate well.   My thread here:  http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/find-volunteer-slapper-your-husband-and-reason

I'm reading all of these forum posts from wives about their ADHD husbands having repeated, almost habitually having affairs and ongoing relationships with other women, in person or online, even if it’s just blatant flirting.   Maybe it's a different culture or different society or different upbringing or different environment, or maybe "it's the water" where these people live.... but does anyone else see that cheating on a spouse, either open or secret, is just plain wrong regardless of ADHD?  Since when does having a disorder like ADHD make it “acceptable” to continue to cheat just like having a doctors ongoing prescription for medical marijuana to treat glaucoma?  I don't understand... am I missing someone?  Please explain.  Thanks.