ADHD and Marriage: Should I Record Our Interactions?
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Mon, 01/09/2012 - 16:53
There's a really interesting conversation going on in response to my last blog post that has morphed into whether or not a non-ADHD spouse should secretly record conversations to demonstrate to an ADHD spouse that they really are mishearing and mis-remembering things. An ADHD spouse has also suggested that recordings might be a good learning tool for "where things go wrong." Here's what I think:
Never record someone without their knowledge. You may want to prove a point, but secretly recording someone is disrespectful (among other things). So, if you feel your conversations must be recorded, talk with your partner about the project and what you hope it will accomplish. If he or she agrees, and only if they agree, then go ahead.
You'll find you don't like what you hear. A couple I spoke with once accidentally triggered "record" on their cell phone and happened to tape an argument. It was a turning point for BOTH of them. Each was surprised by their own role in the conversation and how ugly they both were. YOU WILL BE, TOO. Guaranteed. (Trust me on this - I listen to couples talk for a living!)
Not remembering accurately comes with ADHD, but can get better once you set external structures (notes and the like) in place to remember more accurately. Memory problems have to do with several factors - distractibility during the conversation (may not pick it all up); moving to long-term memory sooner than those without ADHD due to certain short-term memory deficits (stored in a more "spotty" fashion); and "the illusion of memory" (more on this next)
The "Illusion of Memory" - We ALL think we remember better than we do - that includes non-ADHD spouses. We have a sense that memory is like a video recorder. But it's not. In the interesting book, The Invisible Gorilla, Chris Chabris and Daniel Simons make an excellent case for the idea that while we all think we remember well, we're not so good at it. Which means this - the non-ADHD partner doesn't remember perfectly, either. Sometimes better than the ADHD partner, but not always.
TIPS:
Rather than focus on whether or not something in the past is an accurate memory, focus on where you are at that moment and what needs to be done NEXT. This makes sense - you can't change what's in the past, in any event.
If you take this less argumentative stance, then it's more likely you will work together as partners. If the ADHD partner, for example, keeps leaving a child at school by mistake, it DOESN'T MATTER what the non-ADHD partner said as a reminder that morning. What matters is that a good, solid reminder system of any sort isn't currently in the ADHD partner's repertoire. SOLVE this problem together, or with the help of a coach or therapist, rather than waste your time arguing in a "he says/she says" argument. You'll know the problem has been dealt with effectively when the child is no longer being left at school.
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Comments
record your spouse????
by doug - 01/12/2012 - 20:34
like your response and especially listing good strategies
but i cant imagine not being aware that i'm mishearing mis remembering and mostly just not getting it. thats me
doug
In my marriage it is more of
by SherriW13 - 01/13/2012 - 09:38
In my marriage it is more of a perception problem than mishearing or not getting 'it'. We can both witness the exact same person, exact same circumstances, exact same situation...and have a completely different take on it. I went to a doctor's appt with him once...and afterwards he accused me of trying to manipulate the doctor, feeding him info, and some other VERY VERY untrue things. It was me, him, and the doctor. I know my own mind, I know my own thoughts and intentions...and I knew the progression of the conversation and what information I contributed. I was very careful to speak only the truth, speak only when spoken to, and offer my input in a short, concise way. It was, however, one of the rare times that he actually listened to me when I said "you are just flat out, dead wrong about what you're accusing me of" and seemed to start to understand that maybe HE does have a perception issue. Best I can articulate it, he appears to see everything through a negative lens. And in some situations, he sees everything through rose colored glasses. He isn't impossible to communicate with, but more often than not I regret even trying to talk to him about anything...even when the subject has nothing personal to do with either of us. However, HE is the one who says "I can't talk to you". Oddly enough, I have zero issues communicating with anyone...except him...but yet I am the problem. Very frustrating.
He said to me once "you just do not want me to have my own opinion or feeling on anything that does not match yours" and it was like a punch in the gut...because that could not be further from the truth. I want him to be his own MAN, with his own opinions and feelings...of course I do. That's the problem...the reality is that all of our problems in our marriage have resulted in ME having my own opinion and feelings that do not mesh with HIS and cause him to have to alter his behavior in order for me to be happy. (ex: not drinking too much, not completely withdrawing from the family, not spending money we don't have)
perception is often the problem
by nomorebadhead - 01/14/2012 - 13:49
One of the main problems with ADHD is the ability to explain things accurately. especially when the explanation requires the ADHD person to admit any fault. therefore what you get is a lot of confusion with anyone they talk to about their problems.
An effective and simple tool for perception etc
by Mr. Arsitak - 01/27/2012 - 02:50
I am an adult male with acute chronic depression and type 1 diabetes since 1963 (age 15) - BOTH quite well controlled w attentive learning, logging, specialists (psychiatrist-pharmacologist; endocrinologist; insulin pump user 15 years+-) and a hefty dose of mindfulness meditation & self-compassion.
My ADHD blossomed in the years following the initial depression episodes brought on massive injuries to "the me I knew", and those close to me at every level (family, relatives, employer(s), licensing agencies, IRS, etc.). For decades I successfully was able to "cover it up" with a quick and informed intelligence to live pretty happily and successfully until about age 50.
My spouse has never been of the Florence Nightingale class of care-giving sorts, but was more of a self-help and stop-whining type of personality - and in relation to my latest acute chronic illness, it was just when her giving was just giving way that I MOST needed (needed? wished for?) just hugs and such, overt tender caring and sharing of emotional give-and-take... a mutual collaborative approach to married life that I had always wanted, and she was not raised in the same way.
So without halfway decent communication skills it looked like we were doomed to a live-in-hell marriage or a separation-divorce. How dumb is that!? Just like others here have posted.
Well, one of my alt friends (I have come into quite a circle of socio-economic and philosophical off-beats) developed some new skills with FABULOUS promise - she studied Non-Violent Communication (NVC). It turns out that NVC sprang from AA-type training/learning AND of CBT Cognitive Behavior Therapy by its creator, a physician. Its basic 4 steps are OBSERVATION, FEELING, LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLDSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSAKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
Exactly...
by janb - 01/14/2012 - 17:06
This sounds almost exactly like my husband and I. My husband seems to see almost everything, including other people's intentions through a negative or aggressive lens. This has gotten worse over time (he used to be more positive). It is very challenging to live with someone like this, negative, inconsistent, someone who sometimes seems to be seeing or remembering a very different reality from the one you KNOW to be true. I can tell from the language that you use that you are a harsh and careful judge of yourself as well. I think living with someone like this can do that to us - we are so often thrown into a corner where reality and what we have just been accused of are so out of sync, that we become very careful evaluators of ourselves and others. My husband is SO CERTAIN that he is right that I will wonder - am I wrong? Have I overlooked something? And sometimes, by asking myself that question, I have gleaned some added insight that has been helpful to me. But, I have also grown to accept that often times he has just perceived or recalled an event inaccurately (or maybe I should say, differently - differently from how most of the world would have perceived it). I am not sure why. It seems to me as though he often reads malicious intent into the actions and words of others, again, why he does this, I can't say. But I no longer spend a lot of time trying to prove or explain how I know that I am right. That doesn't help. I do think it helps me to remember that whatever the "truth", the experience, as he has relayed it, is the truth for him. I realize that this is why people want to record conversations or arguments. We want to be able to show our partner and perhaps ourselves too - you see - I wasn't crazy! There are certainly times when I seem to be agreeing (or simply not arguing) with total inaccuracies just to keep the peace - because for that moment it is easier to say, "Wow, the sun is blue!" than to argue that it isn't. In that moment it may matter more to me to have a moment of agreement and peace than to be scientifically correct.
I realize as I write this that while my partner is permitted to express whatever emotion is in his head, whatever reality is in his head, I don't allow myself that same freedom at all. Very different rules apply to how we communicate. I don't know how the rules came into being - some are self-applied I suppose, others I have "learned" through trial and error, success and failure. These rules are the result of learning HOW to live with someone like this. And, I can't decide if these rules are good or bad. I have learned what works and doesn't work, and because I am the more modifiable, adaptable person, I have done all the changing. Sometimes that means we live together more successfully. Other times I feel like I live in some weird warped world that is dictated by all these rules - and I'm the only person who follows them.
I most definitely learned
by SherriW13 - 01/15/2012 - 15:34
I most definitely learned to be very careful with my words for a very long time. I was invited to go to the doctor's appt, was very hesitant to go for this very reason, and when he didn't like what the doctor told him he tried to blame ME. It just was not true. I only told the truth...and that is what I asked him "what did I say that was not true or that was misleading. What did you hear me say that you feel was untrue?" He couldn't tell me anything. I used to just 'fold my hand' to avoid escalation. Then I decided I would try to agree to disagree with him, as it was really sad to me that after being together for all of these years we had never really even thought of that as an option. But, as his 'negative lens outlook' progressed, I decided I wasn't going to agree to disagree on something that he was NOT right on. (my DH has, too, gotten worse). I hadn't thought of the 'aggressive' lens, but it holds true as well. Now I pretty much try and handle each situation as they arise, point out to him "I'm sorry you feel that way, but you're incorrect" (if it is some incorrect interpretation of my actions, feelings, or words) and then just let it go. It is not worth arguing over, but I will no longer let the 'difference' in perceptions lie 100% on my shoulders. If it is something that really doesn't matter, I don't make a huge deal of it, but if he is accusing me of "calling him stupid" or "telling him how to do his job" or something along those lines, I quickly correct him and move on.
I would suggest you not necessarily share every emotion in your head..you know how exhausting it is to us when our ADHD DHs do this...but at least start vocalizing what you feel would help you not be resentful of him. I think the same rules should apply to everyone involved...and stopped living my life by self-imposed rules, for the sake of keeping the peace and NOT 'confronting' my DH, several months ago. He didn't like it at first...but he is getting used to it again. I wasn't like that when I met him, and I certainly don't want to spend the rest of my life like that. Change had to start with me.
good advice
by janb - 01/15/2012 - 16:43
Good advice. Thanks. I do indeed believe that change belongs with me. I try hard to remind myself that he hasn't made me this way. I have allowed myself to become this way because of him. Telling myself that reminds me that I have the power to change who I am (not who he is).